Do you ever find that you have so much to do in the evening, dishes, laundry, catching up on TV shows, etc., that by the time you get to bed, you’re too tired to have sex? With 5 kids to clean up after, we definitely feel that way sometimes. The good news is, there’s an easy way to solve that problem tonight!
But, we all want our spouse to be energetic in bed, right? No one wants to have sex with a spouse who is saying “Well, alright, but can we make it quick? I’m tired”. You want your spouse to be present and enjoying it, not checking the clock every 5 minutes to see how much or how little sleep they’re going to get.
So, why do we wait to make sex the last thing on the schedule for the night? Why do we wait until we’re utterly exhausted before we finally start initiating sex?
You don’t have to be a sex ninja
Christians are the best sex ninjas (trademark pending). Don’t know what a sex ninja is? Sex ninjas at categorized by having sex:
- At night
- In the dark
- Silent as ninjas – they can “come” and go and no one knew they were there
Funny as that might be (I know some of you are chuckling), Christians still tend to have the idea that sex is still somehow wrong, sinful, dirty, or at the very least something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I think, as a result, we get pre-programmed to think that sex should only happen at night.
While I hope you have challenged this notion of sex being something that needs to be kept a dark secret and unacknowledged, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve ever thought about how that applies to when “sex time” is.
Do you have sex late at night because it’s somehow “inappropriate” to have earlier? Maybe it’s time to challenge that thought.
You don’t have to fall asleep after sex
I know, I’m mostly talking to the husbands here, but there are some women who get pretty sleepy after sex as well.
There’s nothing better than slipping into a post-orgasm coma after an enthusiastic round of sex. I get that. But, if it’s at the expense of having really good sex, is it really worth it?
I mean, if the choice is to have great sex while you still have lots of energy, or mediocre sex because you’re already exhausted and then be able to fall asleep immediately afterward, which would you choose? I’m going for the former myself.
So, have sex earlier and then, if need be, take a shower to wake yourself up a bit so you can do all the things you would have done before sex.
As an adult, going to bed early isn’t a punishment
I don’t know about your household, but at mine, bedtime always seems to come as a surprise to my kids. Like they don’t have one every single day. Wrangling 5 kids into bed (usually in 2-3 shifts due to age differences) is a chore and a half.
Wrangling my wife into bed afterward can also be one. Often I’m met with the same objections as the kids:
- It’s so early
- I’m not tired
- Let’s just watch one tv show
I think as adults, we sometimes have the idea that going to bed early is still a punishment for something. We don’t want to go to bed early, because, well, we’re adults now! We don’t have to.
From my perspective though, you’re an adult. You GET to go to bed early. I mean, let’s face it, we’re not talking about going to bed to sleep. We’re talking about going to bed to have fun and reconnect. Don’t treat it like a punishment, but rather a reward.
Go to bed while you still have some testosterone left
I wanted to share one more thing with you. Besides having enough energy for sex, another depleting resource in our bodies is testosterone. Testosterone is depleted during the day and recharges at night while you sleep. This is one reason why a lot of guys wake up with erections in the morning. Their bodies are ready to go!
But it’s not just men, women have more testosterone in the morning as well which depletes during the day.
Testosterone is important for many things, but one of them is helping with desiring sex, having the ambition to initiate sex and then aids in producing erections and lubrication. In short: more testosterone means better sex.
Don’t wait until your testosterone tank is running on fumes before trying to have sex at night. If you’re struggling with low desire, erectile dysfunction, or finding it hard to initiate, it might be because you’re waiting until too late in the day to think about sex.
I know for me, first thing in the morning, it’s pretty tempting to wake my wife up for some fun before heading off to work. Some days it’s really hard to fight that temptation, even though I know she really needs her sleep at this stage of life. All through the day, I can’t wait to get home and jump her, but can’t because of kids, dinner, evening commitments, etc.. If we’re up late, by the time we go to bed, I still really want to have sex, but to be honest, I’ve lost all the ambition needed to initiate it. By then, I just want her to. Of course, by then she’s also lost most of her interest, which was already lower than mine.
I can actually feel my testosterone depleting and changing how my mind prioritizes things. I feel myself getting lazier as the day goes on, even with regard to sex, which is a fairly high priority in my brain. This is one reason why our day of sex experiment worked so well, I think.
Have better sex by starting earlier
So, how are you going to change your habits based on this information? Could you choose one or two nights a week where you decide to have sex earlier in the evening? Maybe you could have your fun before finishing your chores.
After all, you’re an adult, it doesn’t always have to be work before play. Try it out and see if it improves your sex life.
Or just skip the chores one night. It might be worth it…
2 thoughts on “The dishes can wait – How to make sex a priority”
No, the dishes can’t wait. Putting off chores that need doing only adds to the already overwhelming list of chores to do tomorrow. Help a wife out by doing her chores with or for her.
Why have sex at night? We have sex in the morning. Starts the day off right.
One of the biggest stressors for women is that their work is never done. It is a perpetual revolving door if never doneness. It is never a sit down, focus solely on this project, and once done it is done. Men have that privilege. Women do not.
Also, especially for SAHMs, our homes aren’t our havens. Our homes are our offices. We never leave work. It is ALWAYS staring at us, always needing doing. I don’t think men realise just how stressful and consuming that is. Imagine if your job is to dig one hole, but someone is always throwing the dirt right back in, and you can’t leave work until it is done, and you don’t get a paycheck. How long woukd you last at that job? How soon before you throw in the towel? Moms don’t have that option.
Help your wife figure out how to turn home into more of a haven. Help her “clock out” like you get to. Fork over the money, if you can, to turn your master bedroom into an absolute haven for her…or maybe carve out some place in the home that is kid-free and away from housework. Recruit the family to make sure chores are done and the house to mom’s standards so she can relax.
This isn’t a do this for sex, but rather do this for her so she can relax, grow, think, and feel more like the woman she once was before modern family life robbed her of herself.
I find this to be very true with my wife. It’s not that chores are a priority, but that they gnaw at her mind if we go upstairs for some fun before they are done.
Same happens with me and my work. I work from home but if I get pulled away from work while deep in thought about a problem, I won’t be present anywhere until I can get closure on that problem.
So…I try to do the dishes for my wife. Maybe sweep the floor, or something else, while she exercises her dog. She is much more energetic when we finally get to bed at night. And I also feel better because I set myself aside for a bit.