SWM 113 – Orgasms and age, calling your spouse daddy, guilt from initiating

Topics Include:
A husband's changing orgasms
Can widowers masturbate
Husband won't stop masturbation habit
Calling husband "daddy"
Feeling guilty about initiating sex

Today, we have another set of questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  These questions are from September.  As always, these questions come in with no context and usually no contact information.  We kick them around in the forum a bit, and then I write up my answers and post them as a blog post and podcast episode.

Question 1 – Orgasms are changing

My wife and I have been married for about five years. She is blessed with good orgasms, so of course hers have always been better than mine, which is fine. I love her having a good time.

Recently to avoid more children for the time being, we have been doing more handjobs and, when doing PIV, using more condoms. For awhile now, we’ve noticed that when my wife gives me a handjob and pushes on my perineum area, I get way more intense orgasms than I have had ever. We joke that mine are approaching how good hers are. Even though hers have gotten better over the years, which is amazing.

Here is the weird part. My PIV orgasm has mostly been brief. Used to be, it would last a little, but for the most part, it’s almost like a sharp there and gone. Lately, it’s to the point that I ejaculate into the condom while in her, and it’s just that no orgasm at all. It’s a bit disappointing for me because we both really enjoy PIV.

Is this some health thing with getting older? The condoms? Conditioning my body to just respond to handjobs? I’m just looking for other guy’s perspectives.

I’m not aware of any changes like this due to age.  It can happen due to stress, medical conditions, hydration, arousal level, etc..

On that arousal level part, it’s pretty standard that more stimulation leads to larger orgasms and varied stimulation as well.  Your wife stimulating your perineum could cause more intense orgasms, which, by comparison, might make the PIV orgasms seem less so.

If you’d like to increase the orgasm intensity during intercourse, I suggest ramping up arousal beforehand.  Something like our guide to edging might be helpful as well.

Lastly, one of our members suggested checking in with a pelvic floor specialist for men.  He said he had a similar experience that was alleviated by seeing one.  In his case, the dysfunction was thought to be caused by lots of cycling and exercise.

Question 2 – Can widowers masturbate?

Is it okay for an elderly widower to masturbate?

I’ve written about this before, so I’m just going to point to that article here:

Is it sinful for widows to masturbate? 

This one also might be of interest:

What about sex for the surviving spouse?

The short answer is that I believe sex should be shared with a spouse, and masturbation is sex.  Of course, you should act under your convictions, not mine.  But maybe those two articles will help you formulate your views, either by agreeing or not.

Question 3 – Husband won’t stop masturbation habit

Jay,

My husband and I have had a go-about of his masturbation habit for years now. He tells me he’ll stop, and he might for a while, but then starts again. I want better for us. I believe it is more addictive for him. However, I’m afraid if I keep pushing him for help or change, that he’ll find something even worse to cope with. Is it better for me, as his wife, to let him have this addiction and to keep from being bitter about it?

Thanks

These are hard questions.  I bet some reading this think, “I’d leave him.”  Others likely think, “He’s just masturbating; it could be worse.” still others, “Why don’t you join him?”

That last one is probably the best idea if it’s just masturbation and not porn use.  I mean, seriously – talk about it, and instead of asking your husband to stop (which you’ve already tried repeatedly), ask him to invite you.  Actually, yeah.  I was going to go another direction on this, but now that I thought that through – why not?  

  1. Would he still be masturbating?  Yes, but not alone, so it would now be sex – just with the activity of mutual masturbation (survey results here).
  2. He may decide to have sex if you’re willing and there anyway.
  3. It will help rewire his brain to equate orgasms with your presence.
  4. It gives him a proper way to deal with his desire for sex.

I mean, this seems like a pretty good solution if he’s willing.  Again, assuming there’s no porn involved.  If there is, I’d make the same offer, but he has to give up the porn.  That’s a deal-breaker.

Question 4 – Is it okay to call my husband daddy?

Is it alright within marriage to call my husband daddy?

Those of you who have been reading my answers to questions for a while know the answer already – what do you mean by “daddy” when you say it?  

I know some people, particularly those who come from Latino backgrounds, will often call their wife “mama” or “mami” and their husband “Papi” or “daddy.”  For them, it’s just a standard term of endearment.  

For others, it comes from a place of incestuous fantasies and crossing societal boundaries.  

That second group is the one I’d worry about.  So, check yourself, figure out what your reasons are, and then act accordingly.

Question 5 – Feeling guilty about initiating sex

Topics Include:
A husband's changing orgasms
Can widowers masturbate
Husband won't stop masturbation habit
Calling husband "daddy"
Feeling guilty about initiating sex

Hi Jay,

Thank you for your ministry in strengthening Christian marriages. You are a blessing!

I have the privilege of being in a long-term stable marriage (35 years) with a wonderful Christian woman whom I love very much! We both work full-time and also serve in many ways in our local church and so are very busy, and often finish the day tired.

My wife is the low-drive spouse whilst I am the typically higher drive. Over the past 10-15 years, I have worked hard to support her and our now adult children, by serving around the home and giving her opportunities to rest. This has often included self-selecting not to initiate sex, despite wanting it, so as not to impose an additional burden or chore on her. Unfortunately, this sometimes leads to me getting grumpy.  If my wife notices this behaviour, she will normally recognize the source and offer to solve the ‘problem’. My issue is I feel guilty that I am imposing on her.

We have talked about it and noted that post-menopause, she has little to no desire for sex, despite wanting to want it, and so rarely even thinks about sex at all. She does orgasm almost every time we have sex, though. Meanwhile, I now have an ingrained behavioural pattern in which I now struggle to initiate sex, despite desperately wanting to do so, because I do not want to be a burden or I recognise that she is tired and needs a break! And this is despite my wife encouraging me to just come and get what is mine to take.

My challenge and question is this. How can I change these unhealthy thought patterns so that I don’t feel guilty initiating sex? And is there something my wife should consider doing to help me improve so that we can strengthen our intimacy in our marriage?

I’m going to challenge something you said here.  You said you chose not to initiate sex to not burden your wife, and in doing so, you became a burden on her because you got grumpy.  So, you didn’t do it so you wouldn’t be a burden.  You told yourself that, and I believe you believed it, but that can’t be the reason because, after 35 years, I would think some of you would recognize that you’re not achieving your goal.

I would guess that you chose not to initiate so that you wouldn’t feel a mix of guilt, shame and insecurity.  It’s never fun being rejected, but being refused a bid for intimacy and connection by the person you love the most who vowed to love you no matter what. That rejection hurts, even if it’s reasonable like being exhausted.  It’s a lot easier for us to say “well, I’m just not even going to ask.” 

To answer the question of how to change that internal struggle so that you don’t feel guilty for imposing on your wife to have sex, I’d start with a question – do you think sex is good for a marriage?

If you think sex is a necessary evil that men are cursed with desiring and it’s women’s job to control that urge, then there’s nothing I can say that will make you feel better about it.  You have to go back to the Bible and learn what God’s purpose for sex was.

On the other hand, if you believe that God created sex before sin entered the word, that it was part of His perfect plan, and that it’s a good thing for husbands and wives to engage in frequently, then you can realize that it’s your job as the higher drive spouse to encourage that.

It’s also worth considering that perhaps your wife would like to have sex at times when she’s not just doing it to cure your grumpy mood.  Because on her end, I would guess that by the time you get to that point, she’s now feeling guilty for her part.

We should, as spouses, get to a point where we live to serve each other.  Now, you’d probably say that that’s what you were trying to do by not initiating sex, but you’ve blocked her ability to serve you.  Part of being in a loving relationship is being humble enough to be served.  I dare say we should be able to go a step further and ask for the things we need so that our spouses have an opportunity to serve rather than trying to guess what we need and when we need it.

Now, of course, there is a balance here.  Sometimes, our spouses only have enough bandwidth to handle their survival.  Sometimes, they can address our needs.  Sometimes, they can take care of our wants.  It takes introspection and communication for each spouse to know where they and the other are regarding those.  But if your children are grown and out of the house, and you’re both later on in your careers, I hope you have enough bandwidth to at least handle each other’s needs.  If not, it may be time to cut back on some of those church-serving activities and focus on your home mission field – your marriage.

That’s it for today.  If you have a question, feel free to leave it on our Have A Question page, and you can join as a supporter if you’d like to participate in the discussions (or lurk in on us discussing your question).

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