What about sex for the surviving spouse?

Jay Dee

What about sex for the surviving spouse?

Jul 04, 2013

I received a question today that frankly stunned me: Do you have anything on, “What to do if you’re a widow or widowed now”, as now there’s no sexual partner but only desires, what do you do? Thank you It stunned me because, I have

What_About_Sex_For_The_Widowed_SpouseI received a question today that frankly stunned me:

Do you have anything on, “What to do if you’re a widow or widowed now”, as now there’s no sexual partner but only desires, what do you do?
Thank you

It stunned me because, I have not given a single thought to this, and frankly, that’s pretty rare for me.  Usually I have some thought on any subject.  But this time I sort of echoed the question: “Yeah! What DO you do?” What if you are the surviving spouse, and you are used to having a sexual relationship and now it’s suddenly gone?

So, I turn to the Bible, because it is my first source of wisdom.  Then I discussed it with my wife, because she is my second source of wisdom, and she basically pointed me back to the Bible (with suggestions).  And then I thought about it because, well, that’s what I do, and sure enough, more Bible verses came to mind.  So, here’s what I came up with.

But to the unmarried people and to the widows, I declare that it is well (good, advantageous, expedient, and wholesome) for them to remain [single] even as I do.

But if they have not self-control (restraint of their passions), they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame [with passion and tortured continually with ungratified desire].

– 1 Corinthians 7:8-9

Now, you can’t discuss this topic without touching this verse, and sadly I think it probably gets dismissed a lot by the widow(er)s because “Well, Paul was single, he didn’t know what he was talking about.”  After all, it’s a completely different story being single and never knowing sex then to have had it and then lost it.  Sort of a reverse of “it is better to have loved and lost…” with regards to ignorance of realized sexual desires.

But, I want to challenge that belief, there is numerous evidence pointing to the likelihood that Paul was married at one point.  From his writings in Greek and the words he chooses to denote widow(er)s and himself, to the fact that he was a Pharisee, and likely considered a rabbi, which would have required him to have a wife, to the sense that he was being groomed for the Sanhedrin, which would have required him to be married. Add to this the Jewish culture of the day, which made marriage and procreation a religious obligation, and no Pharisaic Jewish rabbi, being raised to lead in the Sanhedrin, would not be married at a respectable age.  But, it is clear that Paul was not married during this ministry.  Which means either he was a widower, or that his wife left him when he converted to Christianity.  In either case, he would have known what it was like to have a sex life and then suddenly to not.  So, let’s say he knows what he’s talking about and the Bible is right (which is my general base assumption anyways).

So, what does Paul say in this verse?  It’s pretty simple either:

  1. Stay Celibate
  2. Get Married

There is no third option.  It is also discussed that you should not remain celibate if it causes desires which you cannot control.

So, the “Get Married” option brings you back into marriage and back into familiar ground for this blog.  I’m not sure what else to say on that.

The “Stay Celibate” is a bit outside of the regular scope, but I’m going to try and tackle it all the same, because widowhood is an inevitable outcome for at least one spouse in the large majority of marriages.

My desire is to have you free from all anxiety and distressing care. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord;

But the married man is anxious about worldly matters—how he may please his wife—

And he is drawn in diverging directions [his interests are divided and he is distracted from his devotion to God]. And the unmarried woman or girl is concerned and anxious about the matters of the Lord, how to be wholly separated and set apart in body and spirit; but the married woman has her cares [centered] in earthly affairs—how she may please her husband.

– 1 Corinthians 7:32-34

So, one benefit to being single again is that you can focus your energy, time, anxiety, etc on God, on doing His work, on furthering His kingdom.

Let no one be put on the roll of widows [who are to receive church support] who is under sixty years of age or who has been the wife of more than one man;

And she must have a reputation for good deeds, as one who has brought up children, who has practiced hospitality to strangers [of the brotherhood], washed the feet of the saints, helped to relieve the distressed, [and] devoted herself diligently to doing good in every way.

But refuse [to enroll on this list the] younger widows, for when they become restive and their natural desires grow strong, they withdraw themselves against Christ [and] wish to marry [again].

And so they incur condemnation for having set aside and slighted their previous pledge.

Moreover, as they go about from house to house, they learn to be idlers, and not only idlers, but gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not say and talking of things they should not mention.

So I would have younger [widows] marry, bear children, guide the household, [and] not give opponents of the faith occasion for slander or reproach.

For already some [widows] have turned aside after Satan.

If any believing woman or believing man has [relatives or persons in the household who are] widows, let him relieve them; let the church not be burdened [with them], so that it may [be free to] assist those who are truly widows (those who are all alone and are dependent).

– 1 Timothy 5:9-16

Wow.  I doubt anyone in this day and age wants to touch this with a 10 foot pole.  But, you cannot pick and choose scripture.  The bulk of this scripture is talking about providing for the physical needs of widows who have no one to turn to, they can be hired by the church, basically, in exchange for a vow of celibacy (is how I read it).  It is obvious, from the passage, that there is a danger in deciding to remain celibate if you are widowed too young.  Women are built with a desire (some stronger than others) to have children and watch them grow up, and a woman that is widowed early in life may still feel that imperative.  It is not easy to break a vow of celibacy to God, and it is not a vow that should be taken lightly.  But there is a danger as well in keeping a vow of celibacy while having desires tell you you should be doing otherwise.  The young woman could take her frustration out on the people she is supposed to be serving, and thus damage any good will she would have otherwise done.

Shun immorality and all sexual looseness [flee from impurity in thought, word, or deed]. Any other sin which a man commits is one outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. – 1 Corinthians 6:18

Now, I think this is great advice for anyone, but these warnings against sexual immorality may be particularly meaningful for those who no longer have a spouse with which to have a righteous sexual union.  Paul warned spouses to not spend too much time apart for fear that the devil will tempt them because of their lack of self-control.  Widow(er)s have a definite handicap here.  There is no spouse to turn to, to rejoin with.  They must be on their guard against such things.  Having a group of single women or men with which to do things, to commiserate when need be, to hold you accountable and lift you up can be a great help in these times.

But [as for] you, teach what is fitting and becoming to sound (wholesome) doctrine [the character and right living that identify true Christians].

Urge the older men to be temperate, venerable (serious), sensible, self-controlled, and sound in the faith, in the love, and in the steadfastness and patience [of Christ].

Bid the older women similarly to be reverent and devout in their deportment as becomes those engaged in sacred service, not slanderers or slaves to drink. They are to give good counsel and be teachers of what is right and noble,

So that they will wisely train the young women to be sane and sober of mind (temperate, disciplined) and to love their husbands and their children,

To be self-controlled, chaste, homemakers, good-natured (kindhearted), adapting and subordinating themselves to their husbands, that the word of God may not be exposed to reproach (blasphemed or discredited).

In a similar way, urge the younger men to be self-restrained and to behave prudently [taking life seriously].

And show your own self in all respects to be a pattern and a model of good deeds and works, teaching what is unadulterated, showing gravity [having the strictest regard for truth and purity of motive], with dignity and seriousness.

And let your instruction be sound and fit and wise and wholesome, vigorous and irrefutable and above censure, so that the opponent may be put to shame, finding nothing discrediting or evil to say about us.

– Titus 2:1-8

Lastly, I think there is a great task to be done in teaching.  I think we are missing this in our churches.  I cannot say that anyone, when I was growing up, took me aside and taught me how to be self-restrained and to behave prudently.  Likewise, there were no older women from the church teaching my wife how to prepare to be a good spouse.  This is something that is lost to us.  Everyone just minds their business and goes on with their life assuming it will work out.  You can change that.  Get in peoples faces, take the teenagers, and young adults, and newly married spouses out for tea and talk about life, your experiences, your lessons learned the hard way, what is important in life, in marriage.  I think that could be the single greatest impact in our society today.  Our families are being targeted and warn down, but there is too little being done to shore them up.

Your Turn

So, that’s what I found.  I sincerely hope this helps.  Of course, this is me thinking from outside of the situation, I have no way of knowing what the reality is like.  Please, let us know in the comments so we can better understand, and better prepare if this is what’s in store for us.  Teach us young people.

Looking for help?

48 thoughts on “What about sex for the surviving spouse?”

  1. DMoore says:

    When married, a sex toy can be used with mutual agreement. Would this also be “okay” for a widow(er)? Or does this now fall into the fornication category?

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I can only give my opinion based on what I read in the Bible, and from what I read and understand (and many will disagree), having sex (in which I include self-sex, masturbation, both others do not) without your spouse constitutes adultery/fornication (in Greek, this is the same word, “porneia” which covers a range of sexual immortality, and is where we get the term pornography from).

      So, as I read it, yes, masturbation does now fall into the fornication category (with or without a toy). But each much make their own decision and act according to their convictions, do not do something because I tell you. Read the Bible yourself, question it, wrestle with it, talk to God.

  2. ButterflyWings says:

    Two comments, first I do find parts of the Timothy passage difficult to understand. Perhaps unfair. It seems to unfairly judge those who were unable to have children and those who have been married twice. If you marry twice and have the misfortune to be widowed twice, why should the church not help them? I know this is probably a comment no human can answer and we can only ask God the intention behind it.

    Second is a question for you Jay Dee. My understanding of the bible is that remarriage is ok after your spouse dies or if your spouse is an adulterer. And that according to the writings of Paul, divorce is ok if you are abandoned – but not sure that extends to remarriage. Unless your ex hooks up with someone else, in which case they have committed adultery and you’re free.

    But what happens in the situation where you don’t have a biblical areason to divorce your spouse but separation is a must (eg if your spouse is violent or a drug addict or similar, where they are genuinely unliveable with). What about sex drive then?

    I was faced with this situation. My exhusband was an incredibly violent man. After he savagely attacked our then 5 year old daughter, I asked him to leave (temporarily until he could get his mental illness and drug use under control). As much as it hurt terribly to find out he was cheating, and I never sought a divorce (he demanded it, and I stayed determined to give him a chance to work things out, right up until the day the court gave him the divorce – I fought it til the end). If I hadn’t found out about the cheating, I would have been stuck in limbo as long as were both alive. Feeling like I couldn’t be with someone else, but him refusing to work things out.

    Being someone with a high sex drive, I’d have been totally lost. It was hard enough in the six years before I married again.

    But anyway… was just wondering.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I agree, the married twice issue is difficult. Some versions say “has been faithful to her husband”. What the Greek literally says is “having-become (been) of-one man women (wife)”, which is pretty ambiguous. So, this could be talking about marriage, it could be talking about adultery. We don’t know, I wish I had a better answer for that. I think, because we don’t know, this should be address on a case-by-case basis, and use whatever wisdom the elders of the church receive from God.

      I’ll be honest, I don’t want to answer the second question. There’s so much potential for hurt in answering it, not just to you, but to many others in similar situations. But, I’m going to try to. I just need a little more time.

  3. LatterDay Marriage says:

    My wife and I actually have discussed this. She promised, with no prompting from me, that if I were to die she would not remarry, she is mine and mine alone forever. We are past having more kids so I’m not worried about her turning into some gossipy busybody, she’ll have lots to do without me around.

    I can’t say how touched I am at this, and I feel a bit guilty too because I can’t return that promise. I know that I’ll need to have somebody in my life if I have lots of years left, it is not good for this man to be alone. In my case I would be of less use to God alone than with the strength I receive through the love of a godly woman, but at the same time I can’t see myself ever finding somebody who would mean as much to me as her.

    Hopefully we can just go together.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yeah, I can definitely understand your position. I doubt I would be of much use without a wife as well.

      1. Robyn Gibson says:

        I love both of your guys honesty in this regard.

  4. Paul H. Byerly says:

    The bit in 1 Tim 5:11 is huge, especially when you realise that “younger widows’ means those up to 60!. Basically Paul is saying a 55 year old widow WILL get so horny she will marry again!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Taking into account Jewish laws regarding the mans requirement to satisfy his wife, it poses the question: what did we do to women that makes the current stereotype that they almost need to be tricked into sex? Because it sounds like they were quite voracious in Biblical times.

      Or maybe we did something to men to make us less desirable.

      1. Paul H. Byerly says:

        This is a huge question that no one seems to be discussing. The Jews of old clearly felt women had a very strong desire for sex. In medieval Europe it was thought that women had a much higher drive than men, and many thought them sexually insatiable. A large cross cultural study found that women’s self define sex drive was very much influenced by their culture.

        Where the truth is I do not know, but I am sure we are not living it!

        1. Jay Dee says:

          Agreed! I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this, looking all over for answers. Christianity is not addressing it at all, and the secular world is barely doing so, and even when they do, they typically do so in a manner that destroys marriages.

          I think I have some ideas on the truth of it, and how to fix it in a marriage, but I need some more time, experience, and probably some conversations and other peoples data to flesh it out, to make sure it’s not just applicable to my own marriage.

          1. libl says:

            As a high drive and often unsatisfied wife, I believe the answer is multi faceted. My dh seems to find my “insatiable” drive annoying and bothersome and certainly not something he enjoys dealing with. He seems to be upset that I am not one of those wives who begrudgingly gives sex whenever he needs a vagina rather than his own hand…and the excuse to use his own hand.

            I am burning right now because of unmet desires. Keeping busy helps and spending time with the Lord. But sometimes the drive is physically painful and mentally anguishing. I’m still on the fence as to whether or not masturbation is a sin, but in my case, while so many justify it in blog posts and counseling, I believe it is not what God wants.

            But God is a God of intimacy and promises to supply all our needs according to His riches and glory, so we can rest in the.comfort of Him knowing us fully. Is languishing in unmet sexual needs what God desires for us? That being said, I don’t know what His will is in such difficult situations as these. I do know masturbation is not his ideal or desire for us.

            1. Jay Dee says:

              That is the problem with freewill. A lot of things that are not in God’s will specifically have to exist to fulfill His will for the mankind (freewill). If He were to protect us from everything, then it would invalidate other’s freewill, and thus make our own meaningless.

        2. ButterflyWings says:

          I totally believe that the reason for many women’s low sex drive is simply they believe it’s “normal” for a woman to feel that way, or that sex is a dirty thing so that where once they may have felt strong sexual desires when they were younger, that this has been forced out of them by society and some church’s teachings.

          I see it in my own family where my mother has brainwashed my younger sister into thinking sex is revolting and good women don’t want it, and men are all perverts and only want sex and don’t really love women. And it has permanently damaged my sister’s interactions with the opposite sex. When you walk around thinking every man is a rapist and sex is something you only do in marriage as a chore to stop your husband from cheating, it damages a person.

          Even in my brother, it took til he was in his late 20s to realise sex is not a bad thing, that is a glorious gift from God in the right circumstances – and he is still very shy and embarassed about girls, relationships and sex (he turns the colour of beetroot if he has to say the word “sex”).

          Of my mum’s four kids, I was by far the most independent one. I don’t totally ignore my parents, but I think about everything and I take the good, biblical things they say and listen, and I ignore the many idiotic and incorrect and outright unbiblical things they say at times. My dad can’t even say the word sex, and my mum constantly goes on about how disgusting and bad it is.

          Thankfully I never absorbed a word of that rubbish, and even though the church I grew up only preached the evils of premarital sex and never about the good sex of marriage, I somehow learnt from other christian sources. And because of that, it has never influenced my drive. At times I have thought I was a freak for having a high drive, but I have come to realise with time and research, that I am not a freak – I have the drive that God made us with and I just haven’t let bad teaching and societal pressure rob me of that.

          I wish other women would come to realise the same – that their low drive isn’t normal and not how God made us. That sex is something that can be enjoyed and frequently.

          1. Jay Dee says:

            I agree, I think that’s a big part of it: societal teaching. As much as it pushes images of sexuality, and are blatant about this “sexual freedom”, and how everyone’s involved, there is this undercurrent that women don’t want sex, and you need to either trick them into sex, or barter for sex, or be so pitiful that they eventually throw you a bone and have sex with you.

            Thanks for the female perspective of one who hasn’t lost her drive.

          2. Tony Conrad says:

            People with high drives are apparently more creative.

  5. Audrey Brown, widow says:

    Thank you for answering me so quickly , but what do I do when I have these desires to want to
    relieve the feeling within me. They are so strong and I keep saying the Our Father over and over
    constantly. These feeling I never had so strong before. I had these feelings now for at least three weeks , please tell me what to do. I appreciate any advice you and your wife can give me
    Thank you, Audrey Brown

  6. Jodie says:

    I think something very simple may have been left out as a response to this question. How about praying and asking God to remove the desire if no potential marriage partner is in your future?

    I was single until I was 41 years old and had to seriously wrestle with God over my sexual desires and the desire to have a family when none seemed imminent. I remember reading the verses on having the gift of celibacy and begging God to not let that be me! Yet I had to deal with my sexuality and desires. We do not become sexual beings when we are married. We are born sexual beings. So learning how to manage our sexuality in a God honoring way can really be a challenge. It is not just an issue for teenagers!

    I prayed for God to send me someone to have sex with. I cried many tears when that was not forth coming. I then prayed for God to remove my desire for family and sex if that was not in my future. He removed the desire to have children but not the desire for sex and intimacy. I constantly wrestled with God about this. My prayer life was vibrant!

    I remember being really frustrated and hurt that I had no one in the church to talk to who wouldn’t just trot out a “purity” line. You did not do that Jay Dee and I really appreciate that! You gave it a lot of thought and said you would follow up on further questions. Thank you for being willing to help people in a position of being a sexual being but having no legitimate recourse for sexual expression at this time.

    I married a widower 2 years ago. The reality is that 50% of marriage partners will be alone and have to deal with this at some point in their life. He was like the men who commented above, he needed a wife and functioned best that way. Try being in your 50’s with a formerly healthy sex life and remain pure until married. We did remain pure but the challenges are different when its two adults who understand what is missing.

    Oh how I wish the church would be more open to discussing sex, especially for older singles.

  7. janna94 says:

    I was just wondering what your resources are for Paul being a widower? I’ve heard that before and when I looked into it, I haven’t found a reliable source that makes a solid case…. it’s always seemed to be on someone’s blog with no footnotes to where they got their information.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I’ll be honest, I don’t recall the first or the last source I’ve seen for this, I’ve come across it so many times. You can take a few arguments to come to the assessment.

      I strongest one I see is that Paul was considered the best of the best of Jewish Pharisaic society (Philippians 3:5, Galatians 1:14, Acts 22:3). Marriage was the norm for Pharisees and was required for rabbis (Paul was likely considered a rabbi).

      Basically, he could hardly claim to be the pinnacle of Jewish citizenry if he was not married.

      If you want something to read though, a quick 19 page document is Celibacy In Judaism at the Time of Christian Beginnings. It sheds some light on the views on marriage at the time.

  8. Aquasurfergirl says:

    This Is Wonderful Information Thank You

    1. Jay Dee says:

      You’re welcome!

  9. MJK says:

    My hubby and I have talked extensively about remarriage after the death of either of us. He has told me to wait a year before making any big changes in my life. I can’t imagine what a year of loneliness would do to a person. Don’t want to think about it. I told him that I did not care who he marries, after I was gone, but to be real picky. He would need to find one with very little baggage. Haha. Don’t want him to marry a lemon. In all seriousness though, it would put either one of us in a very sad scenario, almost unimaginable. Both of us would remarry if there was a death. In the meanwhile, we will remain faithful and true to one another, just the way God intended.

  10. Kenney says:

    Just wanted to say that I not only appreciate the way you present your information, but also agree with you on the few posts from your that I have read. This one especially because you refer us to scriptures. I am a 70 something male that has been single for far too many years. My challenges in the area of remaining sexually pure the last couple of years have been greater than any other time I can remember. READING the scriptures is my salvation.
    By the way, I just stumbled onto this blog today. don’t know if I’ll be a regular because, as you’ve said, when we read about and talk about sex, it does increase our desire.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Hi Kenny,
      By reading, studying and praying, I believe we can get through anything with God’s help.

  11. Doris says:

    I am a widow my husband died 6 mos ago I am 62 still with a sex drive I hadn’t though about another man at all I met this elder about 3 mos ago and we have been talking went out a few times his wife has been dead for 18 mos . he said when he first daw me it was love at first sight I told him o wasn’t looking for s husband and he replied Ruth wasn’t looking for her husband but she found him . he,s so sexuall attractive to.me I am a little to him he says he don’t want to masterbate or do those things because he will burn and that a sin .I want a relationship with him but suppose it does not lead to marriage I don’t want to be pressure and he say hrs not going to wait on me . I try to tell him I still have baggage from my husband I’m still grieving back and forth I just want his company for now but he wants more I’m not ready he feels that I will be missing my blessing . I don’t understand he say God sent him to me .I haven’t askGod for s husband I’m still missing the one that departed help me .

    1. Jay Dee says:

      There is no requirement for you to remarry. And I’m always wary of people saying God wants something specific like that…too often we project our own wishes onto God. The fact that he’s an elder means he should be even more wary of saying it…

      If you just want a friend, you might want to look elsewhere if he’s unwilling to live like that. But, it’s not your job to be his “relief value”.

      1. Jodie says:

        Dear Doris, of course you are still grieving! I seems really unfair for him to pressure you. If God really sent this man to you he will honor God in his actions towards you and will show geniune care and concern for where you are in the grieving process. As Jay Dee said you are not his release valve.

  12. Vivba says:

    I became a widow a little over a year ago and I’m Christian over 60 my sex drive has not diminish over the years I was married to my husband for 48yrs but he was my best friend for 53yrs My life is busy and full the urges are there and very strong at times but I’m still coping with my loss I am not ready in anyway to get married I will not cross the line because I love the Lord I feel your article does not address the complexity of an either or get married or be celibate”woman that are in their 60’s are not dead in their desires

    1. A widow says:

      I lost my husband to Covid-19 this past June. I miss him terribly & I still have sexual desires, but have made up my mind that I will NOT MARRY again. However the sexual desires are a problem. I am 66, my mother lived to be almost 93. I am struggling. I can’t imagine how it could be bad to masturbate if the only one you are thinking of is your husband.

      A very tough time.

      1. alonewithGod says:

        I ache with you 💔. I too became a widow last June. I am in my early 40s and was a full time carer for my beautiful husband. We couldn’t have children of our own and his condition prevented us from adoption.

        I miss him so much, the intimacy we shared was so sweet and rich – even in the absence of sex in recent years, we loved touching and being touched. I think that’s what I grieve most – the physical intimacy that was unique to us. Just to hold each other and know and be known.

        It feels so dismissive to just ‘get married’ to satisfy the physical longings – then though I’m sure Paul didn’t intend it to sound that way. I think that desiring to be married to fulfil a sex drive would be more dishonouring to God than resorting to self pleasure. Although, that it itself feels empty and I too struggle with the wrestle.

        I have no desire to have another husband. I miss having a companion to share life with, but I don’t want to be married to meet that purpose either.
        So I have been thinking a lot about it and am beginning to recognise that above all things of this earthly life, Christ promises to be sufficient for me – to be my highest pleasure; my greatest joy; my supreme satisfaction.

        When I seek to satisfy my needs or longings in anything other than Christ, it’s not surprising that I find it deeply dissatisfying and frustrating. A chasing after the wind, as King Solomon put it.

        That is why I am learning to pray and ask God for help in times of intense grief and discontentment. I need His help as I cannot do this alone and the thought of decades on my own scares me.

        I’m sorry that we have to wrestle with this pain – I consider it part of my cross now that I carry for the sake of Christ and His glory.

        I hope you find encouragement and joy in the sufficiency of Christ. 💗

  13. Alisha says:

    Hi, I became a widow at 41 with two children . I married very young at 17 and stayed married until my husband unexpectedly passed away . I have been raised in the church and have a relationship with God that far surpasses religion , but even though I genuinely love God that doesn’t mean I haven’t desired sexual intimacy . To lose someone instantly is gut wrenching and it’s not just the physical loss of a human being that you have touched and have been touched by . Scripture speaks of being one flesh and physical contact has been proven to affect us at a cellular level . So, imagine not only your mind has been afffected by this loss but your physical body has also suffered the loss of physical touch and intimacy that created the one flesh with which you were joined. So it’s even deeper than sexual connection it’s everything from shoulder rubs to a loving smack on the behind . All the little things that made you intertwined and apart of each other. Running your fingers through their hair or scratching their back , it all is missed. I thought when my husband passed it would never be a problem for me to remain sexually pure . I was a virgin when I married , but it’s like chocolate cake if you’ve never had it ….you don’t miss it . But after my husband had been gone almost a year I have wrestled these feeling at thevLords feet . I have absolutely just thought okay so I’ve had this desire or this thought instead of allowing the enemy to accuse me of anything and convince me not to pray bc I’m unworthy , I just run to God and confess all of how I’m feeling . God has shown me his strength is perfected in my weakness, I cannot do this alone ….I need him to sustain me . In the end of the day I want what God wants for me but I do feel the desire for sexual intimacy in itself was God created and the key to sexual fufillment undefined is through marriage. And honestly not one single person can imagine how it truly feels until they have walked it out …it’s crazy difficult bc you have memories attached to sexual intimacy with your spouse and that longing is apart of what you miss . Loved your blog post , God bless Alisha

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks Alisa. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your comment.
      I think this is why Paul said that young women should find another spouse if their’s passes away. (1 Timothy 5:11-16) The temptation for many is too great, and they will not be able to devote themselves to God.

    2. A widow says:

      I have been DEVESTATED since I lost my husband of 36 yrs. since his death from Covid-19 in June 2020. And to have lost the physical presence, the touch, the look in your loved one’s eyes, to be totally alone. One of the hardest things I have or ever will deal with. I have ZERO intentions to remarry. But am human & miss my husband. I don’t long for ANY OTHER MAN for company. I only miss my husband, holding his hand, lying next to him in bed, sexual intimacy. And from what I read here, it’s a sin to masturbate from remembrances of him & what we shared. I may live 10 yrs, 20 yrs, 30 yrs. & to never have that release, seems cruel to me when it is only him I think of.

  14. A. Mary says:

    If a person was married for over 40 years and had an enjoyable sex life with her husband then why should she be expected to remarry just to fulfill the sexual desires if she feels entering into a second marriage would be a betrayal to her beloved husband? I believe an occasional sex toy might resolve the problem. A. Mary

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I would think that would be more of a betrayal. That seems to point to the view that sex with a former husband was merely a physical act that can be replaced by a toy. I would think that the thought that only another loving person could fill that void would be more of an homage to them.

      1. Angela says:

        Thing is though, there is a very valid and understandable reason why a widow/er would need release after years of married sex. They shouldn’t be expected to just ‘turn it off’. If I were in that position, I wouldn’t be is discussing it with someone such as yourself who has been enjoying marital sex for years and looks to be doing so for the forseeable future. I might be more inclined to listen to someone who is actually going through that experience, and is completely honest about how they are coping. You can’t betray or replace someone who is no longer living with a vibrating sex toy and I doubt very much that someone who does use these devices is trying to do that.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          Ahh, the “No True Scotsman” fallacy.
          Unfortunately, this is not a biblical stance – The Bible is full of examples of people giving advice from positions where that same advice doesn’t apply to them. In fact, I think it’s much better to think about these things when you aren’t in the situation because then you can think clear-headedly about it rather than with a biased view.

          I believe separating sex from a relationship will always cause more trouble than benefit. I don’t see how you can biblically argue against that stance, but I’m open to hearing your views if you have an actual stance other than “it’s not fair”.

          1. Angela says:

            I never said it wan’t fair. There are far worse things on this earth that people are coping with other than the cessation of one’s sex life. I’d still rather hear it from someone who is actually struggling with this (which I am not, my husband is alive and well). A guest post perhaps from someone who actually knows what it’s like.

            1. Angela says:

              Thinking further, I agree that separating the relationship from sex will cause problems. But after the end of one’s fulfilling sex life, with no solution on the horizon, sometmes, just sometimes it probably is all about release.

  15. Roy says:

    About 10 years ago my wife lost her desire for sex. Not wanting to force myself on her I turned to masterbation. I always imagined it was her when I did this. Is this wrong? She passed away a month ago. Should I continue this or search for a new partner to Marry?

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Personally, yes, I think it was wrong. Why were the only two options “force yourself on her” or masturbate? Why not address the conflict in the marriage? You missed an opportunity there I think. Now, some will say that’s cruel to say because you don’t have a chance to go back, but you’re considering marrying again, and it’s possible something similar might happen and I don’t want you to fall into the same pattern.

      Because it happened with your previous marriage – there’s a good chance you’ll be gun-shy from it and at the first sign of lost desire, you’ll likely retreat into masturbation rather than work on the marriage, and I don’t think that’s healthy.

      To me, the Bible is clear – if you have sexual desire you should find a spouse. I think that’s a far better solution that masturbation.

      1. Roy says:

        Yes Jay I know now that I handled the situation wrong and feeling the overwhelming grief and guilt for my mistake. I really don’t know if I can ever re-marry. My wife and I talked about this and both of us agreed that the surviving spouse should remarry but at the same time we both said that we didn’t think we could do that. The day she died she told me she knew she was dieing and was ready to go but she did not want me to be lonely. I knew she was telling me to go ahead and find someone to spend the rest of my life with. We were happily married for 54 years even though the last 10 we were not intiment. I regret this very much and just trusting the lord to help me through this and forgive me for my mistakes. Thank You for your advice

        1. Jay Dee says:

          If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9

  16. widowed says:

    God took my wife of 28 years. I was faithful to her. I did not choose to be single or to lose her. I have no intention of living without sex or standing in front of a preacher in an attempt to replace what god removed from me. I guess im in trouble, i didnt send my wife away, god did.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Why give unmarried people more guilt . We need closeness and love we need release and that pleasure !

    1. Jay Dee says:

      How are you proposing they find that closeness and love?
      Masturbation? There’s no relationship there to bring closeness and love.
      Hookups? Not going to bring closeness and love, just emptiness.
      Friends with benefits? Do you think that’s going to feel like closeness and love after being married?

      No. You want closeness and love, get married again. I’m not giving unmarried people guilt. I’m giving them exactly what you asked for – an opportunity for closeness and love rather than a lie that will lead to emptiness and more pain.

  18. Jerry says:

    Intimacy is integral to a good marriage. Both my wife and I were virgins when we married, and we remained faithful to each other for 45 years. In 2014, my wife was diagnosed with a terminal brain disease that took her life at age 67. Five years prior to her diagnosis, prostate surgery for me had temporarily interrupted our sex life. When we were once again able to be physically active in the bedroom, my wife’s dementia robbed her of her sex drive. So, basically, I have been celibate for more than a decade. I am now 70 years old, widowed, and I still struggle with physical feelings that I cannot suppress no matter how hard I try. I don’t want to burn with lust, and I am ashamed when I have those feelings, but they are very real just the same. I have asked God to remove those desires from me, and, for a time they will lie dormant, but they always come back; sometimes with a vengeance. Maybe this is my thorn in the flesh.

    After caring for my wife during the five years of her illness, and now living two years alone as a widower, I long for the companionship and closeness to a woman that I enjoyed for the bulk of my adult life. My wife and I had talked early in our marriage that we would want the other person to remarry if something were to happen to one of us. I am content to live alone the rest of my life if that is God’s desire for me, but it is hard to not long for what once was.

    Marriage is a good thing, and there is nothing better than a great marriage. “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Gen 2:18. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Gen 2:24 When my wife died, part of my flesh died, and I have trouble seeing myself as a whole person without a God ordained helpmate.

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