SWM 111 – August 2023 Anonymous Questions
Welcome to another set of questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. These are 4 of the questions that came in during August. I pulled two of them out to tackle separately in longer posts and hope to get to them in the next few weeks.
So, let’s see what sort of questions people had for us last month.
Question 1 – Sex in heaven
Question: I think there’s no sex in heaven…a special gift that God has given us here ( and Satan has tried to destroy). Jesus says “no husbands, no wives.” My husband doesn’t necessarily agree….What do you think, Jay and forum members?
I answered a similar question in Question 28 of January 2019’s episode. I re-read it for the podcast episode, here on the blog post, I’ll just link to it here.
Question 2 – Oral sex positions
Where can I find the diagram of the various positions for a man to perform oral sex on his wife?
The couple that runs MarriedDance.com (10% discount if you use UNCOVERINGINTIMACY as a coupon code) also runs a free site called Christian Friendly Sex Positions, and they’re all categorized so that you can find oral sex positions for oral sex on a wife here: https://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/category/foreplay-positions/oral-sex-positions/cunnilingus/
They’re Christian friendly because they use stick figures as illustrations which I think is perfect because it fits the “informative, but not erotic” measuring stick that I tend to use. That said, sometimes it can be a little hard to decipher how exactly to get into position, but there are descriptions detailing that as well.
Question 3 – How to recover from a sexual affair
My wife had an 8 year sexual affair. After discovery and forgiveness, and because I truly believe that our promises in marriage are important, I am still married to her and we live as a loving couple. However, I find it extremely difficult to make love to her. On one hand, I want to sanction her by withholding my intimacy, and on the other, I have lost all sexual desire for her. Am I wrong to do/feel this way?
Feelings are hard to control, so I’m unsure if there is a right or wrong way to feel. However, there are productive and non-productive ways to feel and right and wrong choices.
The more important question is – how do you want to feel about her? If you decide you want to feel angry – well, that’s the wrong choice. If you want to feel grace, mercy and love towards her, that’s the right choice, and the next step is working on how to feel that way.
To do that, you may want to reach out and find a specialist in dealing with infidelity. I am not one. I’ve never been through it, and while I’ve helped some couples later in their healing process, I’m generally not dealing with the initial recovery unless they’re both in a pretty healthy place and fully invested in moving forward.
You sound like you have some things you need to work through first. I believe that if you choose to stay, you have committed to working through that – whatever that means for you.
You may also want to check out Question 2 from the last podcast and blog post as well as I tackled a similar question from the other side of the relationship.
Question 4 – I want to become a mom
I’m struggling with a problem, and I just need as much advice as I can get. So maybe you can help me.
I’m 26 years old and married to my husband (33) for a year now. I’m starting school this fall to become a kindergarten teacher. This will take 3 years, and I’m going to be in school and working 5 days a week, plus studying on the weekends and at night.
I want to become mom! More that anything else.
In the country I’m from, that would mean that I would have to pause school for almost my entire pregnancy, plus after birth one year. In all that time, I would get paid my school salary, which is not enough to live on for long. Especially not with a child. I know that all sounds like a dream for Americans, but don’t forget that when I’ll go back to school, I have to send my 1 y.o child to daycare or give it to grandparents or my husband. He works from home and is a bit more flexible, but either way it would mean that I could not spend the time I want with my child, and we would financially struggle.
The other option is to wait until I’m done with school. The pros there are that we will have way more money and I could go part-time after my mother-time (1 year off with full salary after birth)
But the cons are that I will be almost 30 by this point. And this will be my first child. For my husband and me, it was always clear that having a family is our top priority and I don’t want to risk anything. Also, I just don’t want to wait any longer, but I also want to be a mother for my child and not working all the time. Not going to school is not really an option either because we just have to make more money at some point. My husband could not support us 2 alone at the moment.
I’m really looking forward to your advice. Thank you!
You have to decide your priorities because you have warring priorities here. We all sacrifice things to become parents. Some we’re aware of ahead of time, but the vast majority you have yet to learn of until you become a parent.
For ourselves, we spent years below the poverty line raising kids. I was once out of work for a year while we had five kids under ten years old. For us, the priority was kids – not financial stability, not our careers or anything else.
My wife is still a stay-at-home mom, not having had a career since soon after we started having kids. We wanted to ensure they had a parent home with them, and we wanted to homeschool them. As a result, we don’t take fancy vacations. We don’t have expensive vehicles. We have enough to live on and a little more, but only a little more.
Last year, we moved away from all our friends and family because of those choices. We couldn’t afford to live in the province we had both grown up in, so we moved across the country to the prairies because raising our kids, homeschooling them, and having them raised by their parents was our priority.
I’m not saying those have to be your priorities, but you have to figure out your priorities.
What I will also say is that having children later is more challenging. Recovery is slower. Your energy levels are lower. Everything is just harder. It was hard when we were in our mid-twenties. I couldn’t imagine starting in our mid-thirties like some do.
When Christina and I were thinking about getting married, someone told us, “don’t wait until you have money to get married, or else you never will”. The same goes for kids. If you want them – then have them. Will it be hard? Absolutely. Kids destroy your life in the best way possible.
A stable marriage is one thing you should wait for to have a child. I firmly believe that children should not be the priority over your spouse, and they will also not fix your relationship. They will make the good things better and the bad things worse. They are a multiplier, not a solution. As well, what children need more than anything else is a stable, loving relationship between their parents. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it has to be stable and loving. It’s a fairly low bar, but it is important.
And that’s it for today. As always, thank you to our amazing supporters for helping discuss the questions as they come in. Their insights are always, well, insightful and help me to formulate and sometimes challenge my responses.
As always, if you have a question of your own, you can submit it on our Have A Question page and we’ll get to it within the next month as we’re now all caught up finally.
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