SWM 095 – August 2022 Anonymous Questions
Welcome to another month of questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. These 8 questions are from August 2022. There is one more I received, but I’m going to split it off into its own post because I felt a rant coming on when I started answering it.
Before we get to the questions – the Advent season is coming up, and so we’re selling our Intimacy Advent Calendar again.
Do you remember having advent calendars as a kid? Every day you get a chocolate, or a toy or something. For nearly a whole month, every day there was something exciting to look forward to the next day.
Holidays don’t exactly feel that way for us adults anymore do they? Sometimes the holidays just feel like a bit of a downer. Many couples struggle to maintain intimacy during the holidays. Not just physical intimacy (but that too), but it’s also a high-point for arguments and blow-outs.
We wanted to make something that encouraged couples to draw together during this season and give back a sense of excitement into the holidays.
So, we put together an Advent Calendar for couples. It took us a while to figure out how to manage things like visitations (less of a problem this year I think), big dinners, people’s differing boundaries and comfort levels around certain sexual activities, travel, and even periods. But, I think we found a fairly elegant solution that will work for you, no matter what you have going on.
It starts December 1st, so if you want to try it out this year, there’s still time, and it’s currently 25% off with the coupon code BLACKFRIDAY (I extended it until the end of the month).
And now, on to the questions.
Question 1 – Coming clean about faking orgasms
Great podcast; listening in Australia.
How do I come clean to my husband that I have been faking it? Pretty much since we started sleeping together. We have been married for four years and have a fairly healthy / active sex life. However, I have never had an orgasm through penetration. Ever. I’m ok with other forms of sex eg oral, manual stimulation etc.. I fake it during intercourse because I don’t want him to feel bad for not being able to “get me there”. He also tends to prolong sex when he thinks I haven’t climaxed and I get sore and frustrated. It’s easier to just fake it.
Yeah, that can be hard to say, “sorry, I’ve been lying to you for four years”, but I think that’s exactly how you start.
Something like, “Honey, I have something to tell you that I’m scared to tell you about. For the last four years, I’ve been faking some of my orgasms. While I can orgasm from oral, manual, etc, I haven’t been able to during penetration. I should have never faked it; I realize it was a lie, and it doesn’t help me or you, and it’s been robbing both of us from potentially learning how to help me orgasm during penetration. Will you forgive me?”
He might be a bit hurt, upset, embarrassed, etc., but more than likely, he’ll be happier with the truth in the long run.
Now, if you don’t know already, about 2/3rds of women don’t orgasm through penetration alone. That said, these stats often come from college campuses and married women tend to have a much higher rate, and it goes up the longer they’re married. Incidentally, nurses also tend to have a higher rate.
So, it seems that both practice and understanding anatomy helps bring this about. Now, you’re already having orgasms through other means, giving you a head start. You’re already married and have a husband who clearly cares about your pleasure, so I think you have a really good chance of learning to orgasm from penetration as well. Of course, there’s no guarantee, but I think that opportunity starts with being honest about what is and isn’t working, and you can’t do that if you’re faking orgasms.
Question 2 – Wanting wife to wear a diaper in public
Hi! I was wondering if there was anything wrong with wanting my wife to wear a cute adult diaper out in public under her little black dresses when we go out for dinner and using them to wet only. I’m not sure why I like this idea but it really gets me excited and she’s open to trying most things. Thank you!
I think there are two issues here.
The first is that there is a clear violation of God’s created order. We are supposed to go from being infants to adults. This desire to infantalize your wife goes against that direction.
The second is that you specifically mention when she’s going out to dinner, so, when there are other people involved. To me, this points that part of the thing that excites you is the degradation or humiliation of her – others have to witness it in order for it to be arousing.
I think this is a clear violation of the principle that Christians should encourage and build each other up rather than tear each other down. (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
So, yes, I think this is problematic for those two reasons. Even if it was in private, I don’t think it would be a good idea.
Question 3 – Wet and messy / humiliation fetish
I have a wet and messy (WAM) fetish coupled with a humiliation fetish and an incredible wife that gets a great laugh out of fulfilling my fetishes for me. At random times when I’m dressed in formal clothes after dinner out, she’ll ask me to go check the temperature of the hotel pool near where others are and push me in! Sometimes she’ll let me stay dry just so I don’t know for sure what’s going to happen each time. She also pies me in the face randomly and sometimes unexpectedly like old fashioned slapstick comedy or tips messy food like custard etc straight over my head. It’s my dream to be pied at a restaurant by a waitress like they do at some restaurants for your birthday.
My questions: is there anything wrong with including other people in on this? We wanted to have someone else push me in the pool fully clothed or gunge me with custard, pie me etc while my wife enjoys watching it and recording it. Thanks for your thoughts.
Of course, this has a lot of overlap with the previous question. There’s the humiliation and degradation as well as the involvement of other people.
So, I think the question that should be asked is – why is it you want to be degraded and humiliated? Is there some reason you don’t feel you should be treated with respect? As Christians, we are co-heirs with Christ. We acknowledge that the Creator of the universe made us all, that Jesus died for us, despite our sins. God loves us, as we are.
So, why don’t you love yourself? Why do you feel this need to be torn down?
Question 4 – Is oral sex a measure of love?
Does giving oral sex show how much you love your spouse?
The short answer is: no. There can be a lot of things going on that might result in someone being unwilling or unable to engage in oral sex. Yes, a lack of love could be one of them, but not neccessarily.
That said, I think it can definitely be a loving act, and I think it can be interpreted as one, but the presence or lack of oral sex in a marriage isn’t a clear indicator of the presence or lack of love.
Question 5 – Married and lonely
How could someone feel lonely if they’re married? Is it wrong to feel this way?
How can they feel that way? Well, there can be lots of reasons. Being married isn’t a solution to loneliness. It doesn’t mean an automatic connection. It doesn’t make you love someone or feel loved. There are many people who are married who feel lonely. Either they don’t feel loved, or don’t feel appreciated, heard, understood, or a variety of other things.
Is it wrong? That’s a harder question, and I’ll try to phrase it in a way that won’t be misinterpreted. Ideally, in a marriage, neither spouse should feel lonely. Both ideally would be loving each other, both working on understanding each other, both working to communicate effectively, and so both would feel connected, loved, understood and appreciated.
That said – people are human. We are flawed, sinful, and we don’t come with built-in skills for marriage. So, I think it’s “normal” to feel lonely at times, but not right, if that makes sense.
If you feel lonely, that’s an indication that there’s something that needs some work. It could be your perception. It could be your attitude. It could be your spouse’s behaviour. More than likely, it’s a mix of all of the above.
So, start a conversation with your spouse. Tell them how you feel, tell them what you’re looking for. Most spouses want their spouse to feel loved – they just don’t always know how to do it. And we all are terrible at mind-reading. So, don’t expect them to just pick up on how you’re feeling, or how to fix it. Talk through it, make a plan together, and then execute it.
If you need help, I’ve coached numerous couples through times of disconnect in their marriage.
Question 6 – Chastity play
Does chastity play with both male or female have psychological consequences?
As someone in our supporter’s forum said – “Everything has psychological consequences at some level…” which started a whole discussion about that.
To short cut that, I’m going to assume you mean negative long term consequences.
I would actually guess that there is some psychological consequence that’s already occurred before you get to the point of Chastity play.
The only times I hear it mentioned are in dynamics where there’s already some concern with the relationship, and they’re trying to use Chasity play to …. sidestep or cover it up rather than deal with the issue itself. That said, it’s not something that I’ve come across a lot from couples, so it could just be I have too small of a data set.
If this isn’t the case in your marriage – let me know what’s going on in your relationship and what led you to this.
Question 7 – Sex outdoors
Hey Jay. One of our fantasies as a couple is to have sex outside. Not so as to get caught, but just as the taboo of NOT being in the bed.
However, this sounds tricky. Ha ha! I was hoping you could ask in your forum and get some tips and advice or ideas from other couples who have done it outside successfully. Or maybe even things to avoid. Thanks!
So, a few people in our forum have, or have had public sex regularly. Usually it’s because they live in a rural area, own a fair bit of land themselves (or a secluded backyard) and there’s practically a zero chance of getting caught.
Now, that said – remember, if you do get caught, there can be some serious consequences. I’m not a lawyer, but I believe that in some jurisdictions if you get caught by a minor, or they have reason to suspect you could have been, you can be charged as a sex offender, which can really mess up your life.
So – be careful.
Question 8 – Pre-orgasmic wife
I’ve been married over a year and my wife has never experienced an orgasm. We will often spend up to an hour just doing whatever she wants to get her there, but no luck. She enjoys it, although can never finish, and she always feels unsatisfied, and so do I because of it. She isn’t interested in toys, so wondering where to go from here.
This is not abnormal. Lots of women take a while to figure out how to orgasm, and even more men take a while to figure out how to help them orgasm.
So, what can you do.
Firstly, orgasm ability in women is closely correlated with:
- Length of relationship
- Knowledge of biology
- Comfort with their own sexuality
- Arousal and eroticism
The length of relationship will take care of itself as long as you stay together – nothing to do there.
For the knowledge of biology, I would highly recommend the book Married Sex by Gary Thomas and Debra Feileta. I haven’t finished the book myself (my wife and I are reading through it), but there are some chapters that give some fairly explicit information – in an educational and non-erotic manner (the same balance I strive to achieve).
In the long run, feeling that sex is good and holy can help her feel comfortable in her own sexuality as well. I have two resources for that. The first is Intimacy Ignited, by Dillow, Dillow, Pintus and Pintus. It’s a great book on Song of Solomon that can help frame a biblical view of sexuality. The second is our course Becoming more sexually engaged, which will be running in January. We’ve had many women go through the course and become more orgasmic. I don’t know if we’ve had any go from pre-orgasmic to orgasmic yet, but we have had wives who couldn’t orgasm through sex become orgasmic during sex through the course.
Other than that – communication helps. Also, I’d suggest mutual masturbation. It’s going to be a lot easier for her to figure out what works best when there’s an immediate feedback loop because she’s touching herself. I know, that can be awkward at first, but I would highly recommend getting over that and learning to be vulnerable in front of each other.
And lastly, on the topic of arousal and eroticism – maybe check out our ebook Introduction to Talking Dirty. I have received so many emails from wives saying how much this helped them in the bedroom. Women tend to need to be mentally aroused as well as physically, and talking dirty really can help with that.
So, there are a bunch of things to try. If you’re still stuck after trying them out – shoot me an email and I’m more than willing to brainstorm more ideas for you.
And that’s it for this month. Like I said, I’ll have another post up soon with the question I split off – it’s probably going to cause a bit of a stir, so stay tuned for it.