SWM 038 – Anonymous Questions January 2019 – Part 2
Alright, this is part 2 of our anonymous questions from January 2019. For those who are new to the podcast, we have a page titled Have A Question. We received so many questions in January that I had to split the answers up into multiple podcasts. So this is part 2 of 3.
I’ve been trying to group the questions together to make it a little easier. This episode I’m tackling all the questions about anal sex (for some reason we get a lot of them), as well as some orgasm questions.
I also wanted to give a quick shout out to our supporters who helped push us over our first support goal. Thanks to you, our monthly expenses for the blog, podcast and everything else related to this ministry!
As a result, I’m committing to at least a podcast a month, as I said I would if we hit that goal. So far, I’m managing to keep that up this year, though we’re only in the third month.
For those who would like to support us and gain access to our private forum, you can check out our support page here for more info. For those who aren’t, say a silent thanks for those who help keep us going for your benefit. Here’s what one of them shared recently:
Your blog has helped my husband and I immensely in just the last couple of months. We’ve been exploring more, gotten better at communication and understanding, and been having sex a lot more often :).
The culture in our North American churches and Christian families is often so harmful when it comes to the topic of sex. We don’t usually talk about it and the impression is given that sex is bad and shouldn’t be talked about. I personally grew up with so much shame about my sexuality.
You are doing such good work – talking about the things so many don’t want to talk about and providing a safe place to ask the questions people are afraid and ashamed to ask. This ministry needs our support, and I am so happy that we can help.
With that said, on to the questions!
Question 8: Is hetero anal sex new?
I’m open to trying anal sex, if it’s not specifically forbidden in the Bible for heterosexual married couples. However, my husband is very opposed to it. So really there’s no problem, I’m totally happy to not try it, but it bothers me that I’m not really sure whether it’s sinful or not. My husband says that it’s so obviously depraved that it wasn’t widely practiced among heterosexual couples until very recently, when homosexuality became en vogue, and that’s why the Bible doesn’t specifically forbid it for heterosexual couples, but only for homosexual couples. Do you have any evidence to the contrary?
Yes, actually there’s quite a bit of evidence to the contrary.
One example is clay pots the Moche people in Peru made during the years 100 AD and 800 AD. Researchers found some 10,000 clay pots, of which 500 depict sexual acts. What they were surprised by was that the majority of those depicted anal sex. It caused a bit of a stir in the archaeology community. One theory for the amount of anal sex in their culture, drawn from the art, was the belief that semen ejaculated into the rectum somehow produced more milk in breastfeeding mothers.
As well, Greek culture is well known for hetreosexual anal sex. It’s depicted in a lot of their art. While people tend to think that the Greeks were usually only having anal sex with young boys, their cultural stance on genders makes that a little difficult to believe. Receiving anal sex was considering feminizing, and the Greeks didn’t have a respect for women.
Women were considered property – good for breeding and not much else. Women weren’t educated or trained to do anything besides manage a household, which the men weren’t interested in. So, women were for sex, and other men were for discussion, friendships, and sometimes intimate relationships.
As a result, sometimes men would take young boys as lovers, because taking another man as a lover would lower the status of the men. Boys who had not yet started growing a beard it seemed would lose less status in this relationship, however receiving penetration was considering even more effeminizing causing a massive drop in status. Some papers state that the Greeks saw engaging in anal sex with someone as gross misconduct. While that seems to have happened occasionally, the going theory seems to be that anal sex was more common between men and women (who had little to no status to lose, and noone cared if her husband mistreated her) and there’s plenty of art to support hetero anal sex in Greek culture.
Now, the Greek era predates the Roman era, which is when the New Testament was written, so to say that the New Testament writers had no knowledge of anal sex seems like a stretch.
But, it seems like the church has been against anal sex from very early on. We even see from the Canons of Theodore (700AD) that there was a penance listed for sodomy (anal sex). You were to fast for 7 years. Now, those who take that as proof that you shouldn’t engage in anal sex, you should also be aware that the penance for oral sex is to last the rest of your life. Likewise if you have sex on Sunday, or if you have sex and it doesn’t result in a child, then your penance is to fast for 10 years for the first offense, and 7 years for each subsequent offense.
Now, those are just some things I could find about human anal sex. Turns out that researchers have catalogued over 1500 species of animals that also engage in anal sex, many of them heterosexual anal sex. I’m not sure if it’s relevant to this question, but it does throw some doubt into the “unnaturalness” of it. Of course, the prevalence of homosexual anal sex in the animal kingdom confuses the subject even more. Thankfully we have verses specifically talking about homosexual sex to clear that up.
Interesting tidbit I came across in my research: The first rectal dilator was patented in 1892 and they were used to treat constipation, hemorrhoids and insanity.
Question 9: Anal sex re-hash
This is a question in regards to anal sex between a husband and wife. Why should we assume that just because something feels pleasurable, or that because there are lots of nerve endings in a particular area of the body, that this is evidence that it is good and right to engage in activities that stimulates those nerve endings? There are lots of things in life that are pleasurable that aren’t necessarily good and right, and many that are very clearly sinful.
I don’t think you should assume that just because something is pleasurable that it’s good or right. I also don’t think you should assume it’s wrong merely because someone told you it was. As I’ve said, and will continue to say, I see no biblical or moral cause not to have anal sex. That doesn’t mean you have to have it, have to want it, or even have to think it’s a good thing. If you don’t want to, don’t have it. Simple as that.
Question 10: Too large?
Are some very well-endowed men simply too large for anal? My husband and I tried once a long time ago and concluded he was simply too big. Or is this a wrong assumption? Maybe we just needed to go more slowly or use more lube?
A couple women in our supporters group answered this by saying exactly what you thought: go very slow, and use a ton of lube. Ultimately the anus is VERY elastic IF you go slow. If it’s hurting, you’re either going too fast, or not using enough lube, or both.
Question 11: Prostate massage
Is prostate massage with a handheld dildo sinful? This would be done by my wife, but not with a strap-on (different from pegging).
I don’t see why it would be. Check out our post on pegging. Pretty much the same discussion except it’s hand-held rather than in a harness.
Question 12: Felching
Is felching ok?
For those who don’t know, feltching (according to wikipedia):
Felching, when semen or other fluids are sucked from the anus.Wikipedia
Is it “okay”? While there’s no biblical verse speaking directly against it, the problem I’d have with this is that with the semen would also come fecal matter. After all the semen is being ejaculated past the 2nd sphincter in the anus, which is where fecal matter is “stored”. By contrast, rimming, is only going to involve the first sphincter, and fecal matter is generally not kept between the 1st and 2nd sphincters. When it moves there, that’s when you feel like you have to go to the bathroom.
So, short answer: Felching is not something I’d consider safe.
Question 13: Factors in orgasm ability
Wondering if you’ve ever done a survey on what factors affect a woman’s ability to orgasm (at all or during intercourse)? This is a very interesting topic to me, especially given the prevalence of dysfunction in this area. For instance:
How does a history of premarital sex, multiple sexual partners or solo masturbation affect a woman’s ability to orgasm, at all or during intercourse?
Does previous or current use of hormonal birth control decrease ability to orgasm during sex, or in general?
In general, are woman more likely to orgasm the longer they’ve been married, or does increasing age outweigh this factor?
What about if they’ve had a child? What if they’ve had multiple children?
Did they become more or less orgasmic during pregnancy (I’ve experienced both in separate pregnancies).
Maybe it’s out there, but I’ve seen very little research into this subject. Anyway, just an idea that I thought I’d throw out for a survey. I’d be very interested to know if women with only one sexual partner (their husband), who didn’t have premarital sex, who have never masturbated by themselves and who have been in a faithful monogamous relationship for a while are having the best sex.
I have not, but I’ll put it on the list of surveys I want to run. Stay tuned.
Anecdotally though, I’d say that women tend to find it easier to orgasm as they get older, most likely because they feel more comfortable in their own skin and with their spouse. Yes, things like pre-marital sex, masturbation, etc. can lead to increased sexual satisfaction earlier, but from what I see, it comes with a lot of baggage that doesn’t seem to outweigh the gains.
Question 14: Are women able to learn to ejaculate?
Is it possible for women to learn to ejaculate when they orgasm? or is it just something that happens.
My understanding is that it is possible. In fact I’ve had some people ask me to post links to their training courses on how to … the problem is they all included porn.
So, I believe there is a method, however I don’t have a solid step by step guide as I haven’t found a “Christian friendly” one to read, and I don’t have the equipment of my own to test out (my wife is less interested in learning this particular “skill”).
However, I have seen some pretty common general processes that you might try:
- You have to be okay with it. If you don’t want to ejaculate, then it’s less likely you will (though there are some women who do and won’t want to and can’t stop).
- Put down a towel, because some women ejaculate cups of fluid.
- Have an orgasm first before trying to ejaculate.
- Stimulate the g-spot.
- When you’re about to orgasm, rather than trying not to urinate, “push out” like you’re going to pee.
Anyways, try it out, let us know if it works. Might take some practice from my understanding.
Question 15: Do kegels lead to vaginal orgasms?
Can doing kegels make it so a woman can start to have vaginal orgasms?
I just finished reading “The Key to Feminine Response in Marriage” by Dr. Ronald Deutsch. It’s an old book, written in 1968, but most of the information in it is still fairly accurate, with a few exceptions. Anyway, in this book Dr. Deutsch claims that all women are capable of having vaginal orgasms, but that most of the population simply lacks enough tone in the PC muscles to provide the grip/resistance needed to build to climax during vaginal intercourse.
Dr. Deutsch details how apparently after initial research into treating incontinence, Dr. Arnold Kegel started a number of women on a program to build up to doing 300 kegels per day for 12 weeks, and at least two-thirds of them started having vaginal orgasms when they had never had them before. Some of these women had been married two, three or even four decades!
The weird thing is, this book appears to be virtually unknown (apart from a reference in “The Act of Marriage,” which is where I heard of it). And other than a lot of “do your kegels” comments online with no further elaboration, there doesn’t seem to be much awareness of this technique. (There are lots of people saying it will make women have stronger clitoral/vaginal orgasms, but not specifically that women will start having vaginal orgasms during intercourse without clitoral stimulation.)
I’m curious to know whether any of your readers have tried kegels with this purpose in mind? I’m going to start doing 60 kegels per day and build up to 300 per day over the next few weeks and see what happens. Will let you know what I find out, unless you already know about this!
Also, there is only one review for the book on Amazon, but it’s a good sign: “My first vaginal orgasm in 21 years of marriage! After reading this book and putting into practice the exercises and attitudes suggested, I experienced the fulfillment I had been missing. I highly recommend this book! Another book which was helpful as a follow-on is titled “The Act of Marriage” by Tim and Beverley LaHaye.”
Wanted to clarify– earlier today I submitted a question about kegels and orgasm. I just wanted to be clear– I’m wondering if kegels are the secret to women having “vaginal stimulation only” orgasms (“G-spot” orgasms). This is different obviously from orgasms during sex where the woman is stimulating her clit with a vibe. That’s what this book seemed to be saying, is that it’s possible for all women to learn how to have a “g-spot only” orgasm without clit stimulation.
Yeah, I’ve heard of this a few times. I own The Act of Marriage, so that may be where I read it, but I don’t recall. I’ve had that book for a long time. So, readers, if you’ve tried this, comment below in the comments!
Question 16: Can men be multiorgasmic?
Can guys have multi o’s before they cum all the way (ejaculate)??
I suppose you want more than that. Contrary to popular belief, orgasm and ejaculation are two separate processes. They just happen to often go together by default. But they don’t have to. You can learn to separate them. I haven’t learned how to yet, but one of the men in our supporters group claims to have figured it out.
The basic process is to do a TON of kegel exercises (hundreds a day) to get those muscles good and strong and gain good control over them, and just before or at the “point of no return”, you stop stimulation. Supposedly, you can have an orgasm, but not ejaculate.
What’s more interesting is that ejaculation, not orgasm, is what releases prolactin, which is what causes the refractory period in men. So, if you can orgasm without ejaculating, you can maintain an erection.
Question 17: Learn to orgasm on command
How does a woman learn to orgasm on command?
Another question of something we haven’t personally done. However, I do know people have and it is possible. The basic breakdown of how to learn, from what I understand is:
First, realize that while most people believe orgasm occurs from physical stimulation (and it can, obviously), it can also be caused purely through mental stimulation. Both women and men can orgasm in their sleep without any physical stimulation.
Second, when you orgasm (normally), start integrating an anchor. Anchors are things you tie to specific behaviours. For example, in the well known story of Pavlov’s dog, Pavlov set an anchor of ringing a bell every time the dog ate. Later, when he rang the bell without food present, the dog would expect food.
In the same way, the husband can set an anchor during orgasm, and after enough time, that anchor may become a trigger. Now, an anchor can be anything, but my understanding is that an auditory and kinesthetic anchor combined are most effective. So, a particular touch, like on the shoulder for example, combined with a phrase like “orgasm now” would be more effective than a simple command. It’s not quick, but over time, supposedly this works.
Third, practice edging, getting the wife as close as possible to orgasm then removing stimulation and then the wife should try to push herself over the edge mentally while the husband gives the associated trigger.
Again, it takes practice and a lot of time, but this is generally the method people use to learn to orgasm on command.
Question 18: PC Muscles too strong?
Often when I’m trying to climax during sex, and squeezing my pc muscles, I have to squeeze so hard that I literally push my husband’s penis out of my vagina.
He describes it as “putting up a wall” that makes it impossible for him to penetrate me. Unfortunately it’s much harder (or impossible) for me to climax without flexing these muscles.
It’s very frustrating because it makes it so I often can’t climax during sex. Sometimes I do the exact same thing and it works perfectly, and we end up climaxing near or at the same time. Other times it psychs me out and diverts my attention so I can’t quite get there. The remaining times I turn into “the wall” and have to stop trying to climax. Foreplay is always adequate and then some, so I don’t think that’s the issue.
Any thoughts on what’s going on, or what I should be doing differently?
As a side note, I birth babies in only one to two pushes (to my midwives’ amazement) so is there a chance my pc muscles might be too well developed? I started doing kegels at one point but quit because I was afraid I might make things worse.
So, orgasm, for many, involves tensing up prior to a big release. However, it is possible to have orgasms in a relaxed state. I’m afraid I do not have a How-To on how to do that. I just know it’s possible.
If it was me, I would probably try experimenting with trying to have an orgasm in a more relaxed state together using a toy first. Maybe something like the Womanizer, but really anything that works for you. See if you can manage to orgasm without the big tense up first. Then see if you can do it during sex.
Also, just be aware that some women are reading this thinking “She can orgasm during sex?! That’s not fair!” and “They have simultaneous orgasms and she’s complaining!?!”. Now, I don’t mean to say “Don’t complain”, just remember that these are “first world problems” with respect to married sex. I’m all for making something great even more amazing. Just don’t get hung up on what’s missing and lose sight of what you have.
That’s it for this episode. I still have another eleven questions to go, so hopefully I can fit them all into the next one. After all, March’s questions are already coming in.
If you have a question you’d like to have answered, check out our Have A Question page. If you’re like to see them as they come in and discuss them in a safe environment, check out our support page for how to join our private forum.
37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex
Subscribe to get the 2 page PDF full of questions to help you and your spouse start to talk about your sex life.