How Sex Impacts the Rest of My Life

Jay Dee

How Sex Impacts the Rest of My Life

Jan 22, 2013

My wife got bronchitis last month, so, our sex life has not been a priority. Here’s what I noticed about how it impacted the rest of my life.

We had a pretty rough Christmas break in 2012.  December started with everyone in the family getting colds, which, with 4 kids is a fairly regular event, nothing new.  We all got over it, except my wife.  Hers persisted for weeks.  She went to the doctor after the first couple of weeks, was told it’s just a cough and cold, you’ll get over it.

A few weeks later with no improvement, she went back.  Turns out she had bronchitis.  So, she went on the medication, which made her feel worse than ever.  Finally, by mid-January, she’s pretty much back to normal.

So, what does this have to do with Sex Within Marriage?  Well, basically, our sex life tanked during this sickness.  Now, our marriage is pretty solid, and we can weather dry spells like this these days.  I’ll admit, after a while, I do get a bit cranky, but I’m not feeling depressed or wondering if my wife still loves me like I used to.

But, after a week or two of our frequency being back up near normal, I have noticed quite a few things that are different that I didn’t really notice during the month.  Now, I always knew that I performed better in life when we’re having regular sex, but I didn’t realize how much.


Now, my weight has been a struggle since I was a teenager.  I was shocked to find I gained about 10-15 lbs during December and the beginning of January.  Now, granted, it’s Christmas and New Years’, but we didn’t really do anything for New Years’, and we didn’t eat that much during Christmas.  Not enough to account for that sort of weight gain anyways.  But I was snacking constantly, I couldn’t get enough, and it shows.

By contrast, now that we’re connecting more often, I find I have a renewed desire to get it under control.  Yesterday I did a water fast (eat and drink nothing but water) to kick off my new eating lifestyle.  I’m not a fan of diets, I think small consistent changes over time to your lifestyle are what make the biggest impact.  Anyways, the water-fast went well, wasn’t even that hungry.  Today I’m going to try only fruit during the day, I’m not sure what my wife has planned for supper.  I’m sure I can lose these 10-15 lbs easily to get back to my prior low and try to hit a new record for myself.  A week ago my wife and I bought new running shoes, and I have the blisters to prove I went running in them (I hate breaking in new shoes).


During December, sleep was hard to come by some nights since my wife was often up coughing, but generally, I function fairly well on low sleep or interrupted sleep (lots of practice from 4 kids being up during the night).  This month was hard though, I was constantly in a fog, ready to sleep at any moment, all I wanted to do was close my eyes.

I haven’t really gotten any more or better sleep lately.  Our 8 month old refuses to sleep through the night, she’s up multiple times to eat, and while I can’t help much (she’s breastfed), it still interrupts my sleep.  But, I’m no longer exhausted, I feel good and I have the energy I need when I need it.


As I said, December was a fog, not just from exhaustion, but I couldn’t get my head to wrap around the concepts I needed to.  I’m a software engineer by profession, so my job involves a lot of thinking and solution building.  I usually love my job, but during December, I hated it.  I wasn’t getting anything done, I was constantly worried about projects slipping timelines, but couldn’t muster up the ambition to dive into them.  All I wanted to do was escape into computer games.  I feel like I put more hours into games than hours I was actually productive at work.  I spent a lot of time just sitting at my desk flipping through email and tasks trying to figure out what I had the ambition to tackle.  I also sat down half a dozen times to write a blog post and didn’t really get very far.  You’ll notice that December and the first half of January were pretty unproductive weeks here as well.  I also completely dropped all the reading I usually do.  I was very lucky to get an extension on a writing project I had promised.  I would have managed, but it wouldn’t have been my best work.

Now, things are good.  I’ve sworn off the game I was playing for 2 weeks to get myself back on track.  My projects are back on schedule, I’ve completed some major ones and things are looking good.  I’m looking at ways to streamline some of my new tasks and learn how to handle others better.  I’ve also started writing posts again, and just in time, because I have a guest post due for Hot, Holy and Humorous soon, but I already have a topic, know what direction I’m taking and have started writing.


During December, I spent more and more time at work (except for Christmas break).  I notice I do this when we’re not having regular sex.  I don’t mean to, it’s not intentional, but somehow things always come up to keep me at work longer.

Now, I can’t wait to be home, and not because I’m expecting sex when I come in the door.  In 11 years of marriage, that has never happened.  But I like seeing the kids, playing with them, talking to my wife, all those things.  Something about sex makes you want to be home more.


It’s a little embarrassing to admit that my spiritual life is affected by my sexual life, but it is.  I don’t think it should be, but this is my current reality.  Each of the past 2 years I have committed to reading the entire bible.  This time I finished and never picked it up again.  Oh, was reading things here and there, but no devotional life.  My prayer life suffered as well, and I fell back into a lot of old habits (like computer games and eating).  It’s all connected you see?

Well, I’m back.  I’ll admit, I haven’t picked out what I’m going to do for devotions yet, but I have been reading.  I’ve also decided to learn Hebrew in an attempt to increase my understanding of the Old Testament.  I’m hoping to re-write the Bible in Hebrew (word for word) to help me practice my writing letters and understanding.  If I can get through the Old Testament in a year, great, but I’m not going to push it.  Next, I plan to tackle Greek, but Greek is pretty English-like, so I can manage with an interlinear Bible.  Hebrew is so alien though that I wanted to tackle it now.  I’m loving it, it is my new obsession, and it’s causing me to learn and reflect more on God.

Now, I’m not going to say all of this is because of sex.  They are all connected.  When you eat bad food, you feel bad and foggy, and less productive, and you sleep less.  When you sleep less, you feel bad and foggy and less productive and your willpower is diminished, so you eat badly.  When you’re less productive, you don’t feel as good, etc, etc.  When you fail to connect with God, everything falls apart.

But, it is a part of it, and I think a big part of it.

Anyways, that’s my revelation.  I share in the hopes that it might help someone, and to clarify the thoughts in my head.

9 thoughts on “How Sex Impacts the Rest of My Life”

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  3. Paul H. Byerly says:

    You had an interesting chance to see how integral sex is to your lives. (And by that I mean sexual contact with a spouse you love). I wish more folks understood this!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      In truth, it wasn’t a fun learning experience. I’m pretty sure I knew this without going through it. That said, I figured if I’m going to go through it, I might as well share my experience so others can learn.

  4. Joel says:

    Yeah, I hear ya about sex being so intertwined into all of our life. Yes, it is not the source of goodness in our life or these other things but the reality is if my wife and I are doing well in the bedroom, the rest of our marriage is doing pretty good too. I think this is by design of the Lord to help us desire to maintain our marriages and build them up in Him. Good thoughts. (and not just for me…my wife wants the intimacy too and when we hit a dry spell, we both feel it!)

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Oh, I agree, my wife is the same way. She may not feel the “urge” as much as I do, but it definitely takes a toll on both of us if our frequency drops.

  5. Dennis says:

    You men who have wives that are at least cognizant of the importance should consider yourselves lucky beyond measure. In an honest, counselor suggested, effort to re-connect with my wife, I have just yesterday completed a 60 day hiatus of all sexual activity. What is my wife’s overriding thought? That I should be able to be happy about going without – what if she were to be incapacitated sexually? Would I be happy? ….. WHAT ?

    Sex does not equal love. It is but one piece of the puzzle. But the puzzle will never be complete without it – in some form or other. My wife has no desire for me. She’s been perfectly fine throughout all this time. No physical desire, no longing. I’ve pursued her as directed. I’ve suffered the very real withdrawal symptoms. OK, I’ve not smiled the whole time….sorry.

    The things you’ve said above are all true. I’ve noticed them this past two months – in spades. What drove me to this is years…..years of obligatory sex from her. I couldn’t take it any longer. I certainly can’t take this any longer either. There have been glimmers of hope briefly flash across the radar screen. Nothing solid and abiding though from her.

    Sorry – didn’t mean to turn this into a rant or a whatever….. Good blog post dude! That’s all I meant to say….

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I do consider myself lucky beyond measure. I’ve been where you are, and if it wasn’t for my wife’s recognizing sex as a need, I still would be. I’ve done 60 day, I’ve done 9 months. It’s not fun, it sucks, and it hurts and it’s depressing and degrading. You feel unloved, unwanted and alone. I get it. I wish I had a three step process that would guarantee your wife would change, but I don’t. I would suggest, however, checking two posts:
      1) How do I get my spouse to do [blank]?
      2) How to talk to a refuser

      Long story short: You have to work on yourself, you cannot change your spouse. But, by working on yourself, you increase the changes of them changing.

      I’m glad you liked the post, I’m sorry you are in the stage you are in, and I pray it will improve. And any time you want to rant, go right ahead. I’ll take anything that encourages discussion. Some of my posts are a little rant-like as well.

      1. Dennis says:

        Thank you –
        After my last individual counseling session with a male Christian counselor – with whom I have gone through months of excruciating soul surgery – he told me there was nothing more he could do and suggested we attend couples counseling – but not with him. We did do one session together – it was heart wrenching to say the least. The changes I have made within myself have been real and measurable. My wife has admitted to being somewhat overwhelmed. It has built an imbalance between us now. The counselor noticed it saying that it usually occurs when one person starts to work and the other doesn’t. We will have been married 21 years in a few weeks. My wife has a wall built around herself that I can’t remove. I know that. I’ve foolishly tried taking it down with a hammer – don’t do that! She’ll just build it bigger. She now at least admits she recognizes the wall. She has made some efforts but I can clearly see that she refuses as of yet to get inside herself and address the real issue. She can’t allow herself to be that vulnerable. I wonder if she ever will.
        I just read your posts about “a sexual awakening.” Tears…. How I have wished and prayer for her to have one. I have been searching for that “magic thing” that would initiate one. I know now that I can’t supply it or provide it directly. All I can do is trust God to initiate the spark that could change her heart and try to act in such a loving manner she won’t miss it. The Lord says “all in due time.”- that is what makes this sooooo hard!
        That’s enough moaning for one day….. I must be optimistic and faithful. Like you have said, I have never sincerely doubted that she loves me greatly and deeply. That is a truth I can be happy about.

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