Don’t put your hope in magic pills

Jay Dee

Don’t put your hope in magic pills

Sep 14, 2015

It’s been an interesting experience, having a vasectomy.  Not only the procedure and the process, but also people’s reactions.  Most of the reactions include some promise like “Just wait to see what it does to your sex life”, “When you recover, you can have sex

Dont put your hope in magic pillsIt’s been an interesting experience, having a vasectomy.  Not only the procedure and the process, but also people’s reactions.  Most of the reactions include some promise like “Just wait to see what it does to your sex life”, “When you recover, you can have sex whenever you want!”, “Now you can really be spontaneous with your love-making.”  To which, I tend to just smile and nod, or send a polite “I can’t wait”, but for the most part, I think I know better.  I’ve learned over the years not to believe in magic pills or sudden changes.  While they aren’t impossible, they are rare, and if a couple is having a strained sexual relationship, it typically isn’t as easily solved as a vasectomy.

I got told the same thing when I got married “Oh, just wait, you’ll have lots of fun on your honey moon.”  Well, our honeymoon was a bust.  My wife got her period on our wedding day.  Then I got the flu and got a fever on four hour drive up to our lodgings, and 3/4 of the way there, in the middle of a huge nature reserve (read: no towns for hundreds of kilometer, or miles, either one), our radiator burst.  After being picked up by a nice family and driven into town, my new bride went back with the tow-truck to get our vehicle, because I was feverish and passed out on the bed.  Then it started raining and continued for the rest of the week.  That’s our honeymoon.

Then, when we decided to have kids, I remembered all the things people had said about wives trying to conceive.  That they want sex all the time, any position, that it’s just sex around the clock.  But, it turns out we’re super fertile, which I’m thankful for, because we have friends who are not, but there were no weeks of lots of sex.  No crazy wife trying to get pregnant.  Just boom, there we were pregnant.  Every time.

While she was pregnant I was told “just wait until the 2nd trimester, pregnant women get super horny”, so I patiently waited.  Again, no.  I think the first pregnancy, we didn’t have sex during the last 2 trimesters, and then not for another few months after our eldest was born.  It hurt her every time we had sex, so we didn’t.  We went 9 months without sex, when I was promised a horny pregnant wife.

In short, I’ve had a lot of disappointments regarding sex, because I listened to people when they promised a magic pill.  So, if I, or anyone else, tell you “do this and everything is suddenly going to change”, don’t get your hopes up.  Real change takes time.  It takes reprogramming your brain.  It takes establishing new habits and lifestyles.  It takes digging up baggage and dealing with it.  It takes getting to know each other, learning to be intimate, rebuilding trust and learning to die to self.

Now, there are some rare events where people suddenly change.  I hear about these miraculous sexual awakenings people have when they come off of medications, or go on others.  Or a very rare few have paradigm shifts that turn their life and marriage around.  But these stories are few and far between.

All I’m saying is, be patient.  Put in the work, make it stick.  Quick fixes usually mean short term fixes.  The underlying issues take time and effort to deal with.  But you’ll be glad you put in the work when things turn around.  After 8 years of suffering through marriage, I think it took another 5 to finally sort things out once we had decided to start working on it.  5 years of knowing we weren’t where we should be and working, hard, to get there.  And now…well, 5 years well spent, and we’re still working to get better.  Thank God for giving us the perseverance to stick it out.

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11 thoughts on “Don’t put your hope in magic pills”

  1. Keelie Reason says:

    How’s this, in time, it’ll really help your sex life. 🙂 I had my tubes tied after my last son, and it made us so much less stressed when we had sex. It really has made a difference in my sex drive too. So, who knows what it’ll do for you, but you’ll get over the hang ups soon that guys experience when having a vasectomy. Either way, sex will be as awesome as you and your wife make it.

    1. Anonymous says:

      Keelie, what hangups about this procedure have you heard from other men? Personally, I have not heard any…

      1. Keelie Reason says:

        I have heard guys worry about it affecting their ability to sexually perform. They aren’t sure if there will be any cum after they orgasm. Mentally, they feel like part of their manhood has been stripped from them. They are worried things will go wrong with the procedure and damage something permanently. The thought of having that sensitive of an area cut is nauseating to them.
        Those are just some of the fears of guys I have known who were going to have a vasectomy. Of course, there is always the thought, what if I want more kids later on.

      2. Nick says:

        I had a vasectomy after our 5th child. The hype about having worry free sex was spot on for us. Sex was so much better without having to worry about birth control. Heather is also very fertile. I couldn’t look at her with a horny eye without her conceiving.

        The only problem I had was one incision didn’t heal properly and I picked up a mild surface infection. Neosporin and a bandaid cleared it up.

  2. Norah says:

    Very well spoken. Broken promises I know to well. In my old age I’ve come to say I need more proof in the pudding before I buy the snake oil or drink the kool-aide. (Just American terms for don’t believe everything you here) The only thing I can say is it made not having to worry about birth control easier. Hard work and making an effort is the key to any great thing, relationship in our lives. Easier said than done. I know…. making a conscious effort and sticking to it. *sigh* just roll up the sleeves and get to work. P.S. maybe you and wifey should one day do a honeymoon redo.

  3. Citwpb13 says:

    I have to say that my husband’s vasectomy has done wonders for our sex life!!!
    We have 5 children, 4 boys and a daughter. We were sure that our family was complete. Pregnancy and nursing was really really hard on me, mentally, physically, emotionally, yeah all of it!! In the back of my mind, during sex, I was always A little worried that I was going to get pregnant again. it was just always really really stressful.! so now a year and a half after the vasectomy, I’m a very happy wife. I love the spontaneity and never having to worry about what time of the month it is no waiting and watching for my Period. No birth control to keep track of, just lots of worry free lovin’!

  4. NN says:

    There is so much myth surrounding having a vasectomy. My husband had one in 2013/14 I am not sure, all went well and when he told his brothers they were shocked, it is taboo in their family to have one. He was the 1st (and probably the last). Before that I was using the injection and I got tired of it, and it used to give me headaches and funny moods. Hubby then discussed vasectomy with me we both agreed that it is the best for us. People will always say ‘what if you lose one of your children’ and we always tell them that ‘if this…then God’. There are some who have had a vasectomy and God has been humorous in blessing them with children! No matter which method of family planning you decide to use, if God wants you to have more children, I tell you He will make sure:-)
    PS And it works excellently lol, still stands;-)

  5. Bruce says:

    I’ve had a vasectomy. The only thing it’s going to do is let you not worry about getting pregnant. It’s not going to make the sex better unless you both were so worried about pregnancy before that neither could really relax.

    I’m with you about the hope for constant sex when trying to get pregnant. My wife and I were very fertile as well so we didn’t get to enjoy weeks of it. However, I we tried 7 times (3 kids and 4 miscarriages) so it wasn’t as bad as I guess it could’ve been. 🙂 lol

    Have a great day everyone!

  6. Dan says:

    Even this many years away, I don’t know that I could look back if my honeymoon like that and chuckle, let alone laugh. But since it was yours and not mine, laugh I did. 🙂

    I suspect it was mostly men who were talking about how great sex was going to be: “When you recover, you can have sex whenever you want!” “Now you can really be spontaneous with your love-making.” They must have thought your wife was having a vasectomy too and now you will both be sexually, sensually, and emotionally on the same page. It reminds me of when Viagra first came out. All the men were jumping for joy while the some of the post-menopausal women who were looking for a bit of a respite were a bit less enthusiastic. Of course, that has changed some with the times as it is now more acceptable for women to be sex positive and ask for what they desire from sexual sharing, but there is still a one-sided attitude about much of the medical and pharmacological options propping up male sexual response.

    We (men) still tend to overlook the desire side of the equation affecting our libido. Neither Viagra, any other PDE5 inhibitor, or a vasectomy will give you a spontaneous erection or create a desire for sex in you…or your wife. There is no magic pill that creates desire for sex with our spouse and that includes testosterone for either sex. Desire for sex with our spouse is created by the quality of the relationship we have invested in with them. Sexual capability doe not automatically translate into sexual desire.

  7. libl says:

    A honeymoon usually lasts a week and is done. We didn’t even have a honeymoon. Couldn’t afford one and hubby didn’t want one because the thought of hanging out exclusively with me was too boring. He’s too social. The day after we wed, we drove around visiting because he didn’t want to sit at home and do nothing with his bride….but I digress….

    A vasectomy lasts the rest of your life. It took hubby 4 months to mentally recover from his to which he claims he lost his sex drive, but managed to masturbate alone just fine. I think he was worked up from having his bits broken, afraid of pain, and afraid of getting me pregnant with residual sperm.

    It’s been 3 years and we have sex more than ever, and I have been able to let loose and not worry so much, myself.

  8. Alex says:

    I had a vasectomy three years ago. It took me a year between that first doctor’s consult and the actual procedure–I had a lot of issues to think through. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My wife is unable to take the pill so for the first 12 years of marriage we relief on condoms, oral sex (nothing wrong with that!), and a few other measures. We remembered how pleasurable natural sex was when we were trying to conceive–motivation for me to finally get the procedure done. In the weeks immediately following the procedure, we had some interesting moments. The guy has to “rid” his system of remaining sperm cells in his semen so, following doctor’s orders, I “had” to ejaculate a certain number of times (about 20) before I was all clear. That was an interesting time and my wife did “help” now and then and when it came time for me to do it myself we always had fun with it. Anyway, three years later, I can say that our sex life has never been better. It’s way more spontaneous and it’s all worry-free. The quality of the experience is better and the quantity of sex has increased significantly. Whereas my wife rarely orgasmed when I wore a condom, she orgasms most of the time now. One concern I know some guys have is that the volume of ejaculate will go down. For me, that hasn’t been the case–far from it. I have noticed nothing different. If anything, volume is up because, now that the shackles have been taken off, desire is sky high and that can in turn result in “bigger loads.” And, at the age of 42, I can say confidently that my sex drive has never been stronger.

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