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Couples need to lie less and trust more when it comes to sex

Jay Dee

Couples need to lie less and trust more when it comes to sex

Aug 27, 2015

I was talking with someone yesterday about some difficulties they were having with sex, and I asked if they minded if I wrote a post on the topic.  After thinking about it, I realized the issue we were discussing went far beyond just their specific

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Couples need to lie less and trust more when it comes to sexI was talking with someone yesterday about some difficulties they were having with sex, and I asked if they minded if I wrote a post on the topic.  After thinking about it, I realized the issue we were discussing went far beyond just their specific conflict, and was probably based in a much larger principle that more people will find traction with. But, this post is not dealing with what them and I were talking about.  I had intended for it to be, but it sort of morphed into something else.  So, I’ll try to tackle the other issue soon.

And so, in this post, we’re going to talk about how spouses need to start lying less to each other in bed, and trusting each other more.

Now, sometimes one spouse lies and the other learns not to trust them.  That’s a difficult dynamic to break.  But more often I find that you have one spouse who lies, perhaps unintentionally, perhaps to themselves, and so they don’t trust their spouse not to lie.  After all, I do it, they must as well.  This creates a boundary in the marriage between the two spouses, and sets them against each other as enemies, more than allies, even if they don’t realize it yet.  But, sometimes it doesn’t go that far.  Sometimes it just results in a lack of confidence, a fear of trying new things, being afraid to be intimate and vulnerable with your spouse.

A lack of confidence is not sexy

I hear from wives, on occasion, who tell me that their husband constantly asks in bed if they are okay.

Are you alright?

Is this hurting?

Are you enjoying yourself?

We can stop if you want.

You don’t have to do that if you don’t like it.

They aren’t emailing me to tell me that their husband is so sweet and this just makes them melt.  They’re emailing because their husband is ruining the mood.  Most women want a strong, assertive, confident man in bed.  Not one that is selfish, but neither one that is so unsure of himself that he constantly questions whether he’s doing a good job, especially when the wife is constantly responding positively.

If you’re that type of husband, stop asking!

Because the message you send to your wife is that either you don’t trust her to tell you the truth, or that you think she’s lying outright.

Now, for all the wives who are nodding, many of you do the same thing in return!  How often does he need to tell you are beautiful, sexy, desirable to him before you stop calling him a liar and start trusting what he says?  You would not believe all the comments on posts, surveys, in emails, on Facebook and twitter that I get from men who don’t know what to do with their wife.  They want so desperately to see their wife naked that it pains them, because being refused the very sight of their bride is like calling him a liar to his face, that he doesn’t believe you are beautiful, sexy or attractive.

In a past survey, we found that 96% of husbands find their wife attractive, and yet I hear weekly from husbands who haven’t seen their wife naked in decades, and from wives who read the going to bed naked post and say “Oh, I couldn’t do that, he might see me!”  Yeah, he might!  That’s the point!  Now, I know, some of you are dealing with self-esteem issues, and you’re working through them.  I know it’s been a difficult unit in the course we’re putting together for some in our pilot group, and I’m thrilled that they’re working through these issues.  But some women…you just need to start trusting your husband, and stop calling him a liar, if not in words, than in actions.

Lying is only going to hurt you, your spouse and your relationship

On the other side of the coin, if you are always responding positively, but it’s not always a positive experience, you need to cut that out as well.  Of course, the extreme of this is faking an orgasm.  The stats say that a fair number of women do, and not an insignificant number of men either!

Some do it because they don’t want to hurt their spouses’ feelings, either because it’s just not feeling good, or because they know they just won’t orgasm, even though it feels good.  Others just get to the point where they’ve had enough, but know their spouse won’t let it go, so they fake an orgasm so that sex can be done.

But all this does is train your spouse how to be a bad lover, or enforce bad communication, or avoid conflict, which isn’t healthy.  Because after all, conflict is good and healthy, and learning to manage conflict, to talk through it, to resolve it, is critical to a successful marriage, be it when talking about finances, parenting, theology, or sex.

But faking orgasms isn’t the only thing.  I know too many husbands who become workaholics, because it’s easier to bury yourself you in your work than to spend time with a spouse who refuses to have sex, or will only do so “when the planets align”, a phrase I hear far too often in emails from husbands.  Its easier to stay at the office a little longer, to do more work at home late at night, to focus on a job that gives you validation, respect from peers and some semblance of worth, than turn to your spouse and say “I’m not happy, and I seem to be avoiding home, because it’s easier than dealing with our marriage.”  And that’s not grounds for divorce, but it is grounds for a conversation, coaching, or perhaps counseling if there’s a serious enough issue.  Something needs to be done, because the marriage is dying if you don’t want to come home to your spouse.  You might be able to stay married, but it will be an empty, hollow marriage, which will still negatively impact you, your spouse, your kids, your job, your church, and ministry you are doing.  Staying silent is a lie of omission, and you aren’t helping anyone, least of all you and your spouse.

 

So, stop lying, start trusting.  I know this is a bit hard hitting for some, but it’s what’s on my mind, and I think sometimes we pull punches when we shouldn’t.  So, I’m going to let it stand as is instead of editing it into something nice and fluffy.

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15 thoughts on “Couples need to lie less and trust more when it comes to sex”

  1. Norah says:

    You should’ve known not to give me an option to chose more than one button 😉 I think I choose like 4. Anyway this was the first post my husband read on here. He and I have been working on all of it. I dont have body image issues but trusting in other ways is a big step for me. So I’m working on saying ” I trust you” and he is worked and working on “not asking.” As always right on point Jay.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      That’s okay, you can have multiple reactions 🙂

      And welcome husband! Tomorrow I’ll post the post I had intended to write, and it might shed some more light.

      1. Norah says:

        🙂 Thank you

  2. IntimacySeeker says:

    Hmmm….For me, the best part is my husband asking “am I hurting you?” That’s when I feel most loved.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      If he asked a dozen times a session, would you feel the same?

      1. IntimacySeeker says:

        Well, no. Good point. If he asked a dozen times, I’m not sure the session could even count as sex.

    2. Norah says:

      I think I would ask myself or him why he would have to ask me that question. Is he that well indowed, have I been hurt by him or someone else sexually, has he hurt me or someone else sexually? Other than those reasons I wouldn’t find that attractive or loving. I would feel as he wasn’t confident in pleasing me or that I was “lying” to him about my feelings during sex.

      1. IntimacySeeker says:

        Thanks, Norah for prodding me to think this through. Size is a factor as are past hurts by him and others. Physical changes due to menopause and simply changing positions can make things uncomfortable for me physically, and memories of abuse surfacing can add an element of trauma to the experience. I have a tendency to just grin and bear it in an effort to not spoil his experience. It seemed a loving thing that he was willing to slow down and check in with me, a reminder that it is not his intention to hurt me.

    3. Anonymous says:

      I also liked that. He always asks me whether he can enter. He slides his penis slowly and asks me whether he has entered nicely and not hurting. Only then he starts thrusting. It feels good when he asks me.

  3. Citwpb13 says:

    Guilty! Only recently have I been honest and trusting in bed. In our marriage actually! I thought keeping things to myself was the better choice, after all, i didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But I wasn’t fooling anyone, and it was just building a wall between us. What a difference it makes to put it all on the table while being honest in a loving environment.

  4. Cat says:

    Wow, how about putting some more blame on the wife? Most of the wives I spoken with are so tired of telling their husbands the SAME thing over and over and over, that eventually they just keep quiet. They fake orgasms because they just want sex to over, but their husband is all about the sport and mechanics of bringing her to an orgasm because he is ‘goal oriented’. And sex means orgasm to him so he thinks it should mean the same for her. Most marriages start out with BOTH partners trying to please the other. But then a break down occurs. The husband wants more and more and wants it his way. Like sex is just for him. The wife tries to tell him over and over that sex is NOT about the mechanics, it’s about love. But he keeps saying things like – turn this way, roll over this way, now let’s do this, now let’s do that, is that good, how about here, etc. Where’s the love in that? So the wife just gives up because she feels used. She’s already trusted him, and he has broken that trust over and over. I lead a support group for wives and almost 100% of them tell me this same story. That the first two years of marriage were great and then their husbands regressed into a ‘teen-age’ mentality. If two spouses are totally different in their attitudes about sex, then they should at least compromise. Half the time for her, half for him. Even the wives who say that their husbands are great outside the bedroom still say the husband is selfish inside the bedroom.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I think perhaps your work in leading a support group for woman is putting a lens on this that I didn’t write. Keep in mind, those are troubled marriages, not all marriages.

      Also, it does no benefit to you to retaliate against a perceived slight. It’s more profitable to read a post and then see there if there is something that you can change in yourself. If not, disregard it. If so, then make the appropriate changes.

      But to get upset because you feel it’s not even handed? No one gains.

      No, as to your point, it is possible to be assertive, demanding even, with the intent of bringing as much pleasure to your spouse as possible. So, just because someone is giving orders/commands and being aggressive doesn’t mean there isn’t love involved. It’s quite possible no one in your support groups has ever experienced that, but, arguably, you shouldn’t take wives in a support group as the consensus of healthy marriages.

  5. Norah says:

    Cat I don’t think he was putting blame on the wives. In fact he even addressed the husband’s first. I’m glad your support group is getting help, but they don’t speak for ALL women. My husband pampers, caters, spoils me, and gives into me all the time. However in the bedroom that’s not what is always wanted. It would be great to have him tell me roll over, turn this way, do this, do that. And do it without asking am I ok with it. Being assertive in the bedroom doesn’t make it all about him or being selfish. Maybe for once I’d like someone to tell me what to do. I trust him enough to know he’s not selfish,and not going to hurt me Pleasing each other should not be half and half it should be whole and whole ALL the time.

  6. IntimacySeeker says:

    Having to repeat yourself a lot does take away from the mood. Gets especially interesting if there is a hearing deficit of any kind. Wife says “please do more of X” and hubby says “what?” She repeats herself, and again “what?” She speaks with more volume and articulation, and once more, “what?” Finally she’s yelling at him. Sigh…

    It can help to have conversations about the subject when not in the moment, but in my case, those conversations tend to be forgotten before the next lovemaking session.

    Sometimes we decide to be thankful for all we have instead of wishing we had more.

  7. LatterDay Marriage says:

    The hardest time to be honest and open with your spouse is when you know what you say will hurt their feelings.
    LatterDay Marriage recently posted..Fight For Your Marriage Part 1: Preparation

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