Want more sex? Go to bed naked!

Jay Dee

Want more sex? Go to bed naked!

Jan 22, 2014

One thing my wife started doing when we were trying to improve our sex life was to start to go to bed naked.  Now, she doesn’t actually like to sleep naked, she gets weird dreams, or is too cold, but between taking her clothes that

Go To Bed Naked For More SexOne thing my wife started doing when we were trying to improve our sex life was to start to go to bed naked.  Now, she doesn’t actually like to sleep naked, she gets weird dreams, or is too cold, but between taking her clothes that she wore during the day off and putting on pajamas, she crawls into bed naked and stays that way until we’ve prayed and are ready to go to sleep.  Of course, this assumes that you are already going to bed at the same time.

Just a note: Since my wife has started writing as well, I thought it might be fun to get her input on this one as well. So her thoughts will be in purple following mine.

Fewer barriers to sex when you go to bed naked

One reason this yields a higher frequency of sex, I believe, is that there are fewer barriers.  One thing they teach you in sales is to remove any obstacles from buying your product or service.  Well, clothes on is an obstacle.  You have to get them off, and generally getting clothes off isn’t a sexy experience.  Feet get stuck in pant legs, or underwear starts rolling instead of sliding, bra clasps won’t undo, and a host of other clothing malfunctions can occur.  But, if you start off already naked, well, that’s one less battle you have to fight.

The act of going to bed already naked also helps me stay on a more positive side of wanting sex, and not coming up with excuses as to why not. I’m already naked, a quickie really doesn’t take that long from this point on if you are tired, or it’s late, or having trouble actually focusing. Being naked helps me focus tremendously. On a more emotional level it helps keep those walls down that we women like to put up. When you are naked, you are vulnerable, and you are making yourself emotionally available to your husband, which are all very good things that we should be working on all the time. It definitely creates a more intimate environment right from the start.

Makes being naked less frightening

I think my wife used to be afraid of being naked in front of me.  Generally sex was with the lights off, I’d rarely see her naked, and she’d always be scrambling to get clothes back on.  These days things are different, and I think part of this is due to the fact that she spends a lot more time naked with me. Every night we’re naked together for a least 10 minutes.  It’s hard to be scared of something that happens ever night.  Another thing this does is remove the expectation that naked = sex.  We’re naked together more often than we have sex now.  She doesn’t have to worry that being naked automatically means I’m going to want sex…no, that’s not right…I still do.  But, she understands that I do now have the ability to see her naked and not immediately require sex.  I think this is freeing for her.  Also, the more comfortable your spouse is being naked in front of you, the fewer rejections based on body image issues.

Jay made some great points in there about it being less frightening. It is less frightening, but I still am uncomfortable in my own body. I don’t like the way I look, but I know he does, so I don’t worry about it. It is very freeing to know that he will objectively look at the day, how I’m feeling and what is happening the next day before deciding whether the need for sex or the need for sleep is greater. It’s always a struggle to find that balance, but being naked also helps me also get in a mindset that, if we have some fun, tomorrow might be an easier day overall as well.  (I’m generally a much happier person when I’ve had an orgasm the night before, 2 days I’m still OK, but 3 days I’m starting to get grumpy LOL)

It’s sexual without being sex

When we were going through my wife’s awakening and my porn recovery, one of the things my wife was surprised by was how often I wanted sexual contact.  When we tried out a high-frequency sex life (daily sex), one of the things that surprised me was that I didn’t need sex every night, but I did still want some sort of sexual contact.  This few minutes a night (whether or not we have sex) allows that to happen.  I have to chance to lie next to my naked wife, touching and feeling.  Sometimes this is all I need and then we can go to sleep.  Now, I think any time you can increase the frequency of sexual contact in your marriage, that’s one step closer to increasing the frequency of sex.  Because sexual contact will help the high drive spouse feel more accepted and loved, which, in turn, makes them want to act out their spouses love language(s) more, which will, in turn, increase the likelihood of more sex in the future.  It’s a wonderful cycle.

I love it when we snuggle up together, I’m laying on my side right beside him, his arm is my pillow and he’s rubbing my back as well. we talk about our day and we are being intimate but not necessarily having sex. A lot of times while we are talking, my hand will drift downward on Jay and that gets me going too. So if I wasn’t in the mood, but knew that he needed some attention, often this will get me there.

It shows me she’s available

I think this is the number one reason really.  My wife coming to bed naked is symbolic of her saying “I’m here” in a sexual manner.  When she decided she wasn’t going to say “no” anymore, she was very intentional.  She told me she wouldn’t say “no”, we even bought me a new wedding ring (to replace my lost one), and she stated when she put it on my finger that this was going to be like a new marriage.  This act shows me, every night, that she is ready and willing if I need her.  That sense of acceptance, of submission and love means more to me than I can adequately put to words.  She’s been doing this for probably over 2 years and still every night she slips into bed naked I still say a thank you to God for answering my prayers.  After years of rejection, this affirmation is what I need more than anything else.  We’re still healing the damage we’ve done to each other, but this helps tremendously.

When we decided to replace Jay’s wedding ring, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to reaffirm that I was serious in my promise to never say “no” again. It was really big moment for both of us. It was almost like a vow renewal, but it was just us and the kids in the van when we go the ring, and they were too young at the time to understand what was going on, except that mommy and daddy were talking a while in the front, and they were bored. When I look at his hand even now with the wedding band on it, I’m filled with such a feeling that I can’t even describe it, a sense of love and peace. It’s only been through God’s love that we’ve come this far. So I go to bed naked, and I am happy to be available for him.

Your Turn

Have you tried this, or do you go to bed together naked? Have you found it makes a difference in your marriage?  Let us know in the comments below, and please fill out this anonymous survey so we can get some real data.

Women, I know we all have body image issues, but want to encourage you, go to bed naked, your husband doesn’t see what you see. He loves you so much! I want to ask, how do you think he would feel about you coming to bed naked every night? What do you think would happen? How would it change how you look at each other throughout the day? Would it improve how you communicate? Do you think the level of intimacy would grow? If you don’t do this already, what’s stopping you from trying this?

[gform form=’https://docs.google.com/forms/d/11AxgTVwqh7K9upeH3RBluSTKT5wsToyHNW1VisEpPFM/viewform’ legal=’off’]

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52 thoughts on “Want more sex? Go to bed naked!”

  1. happywife says:

    I started trying to sleep naked several months ago probably after reading about you saying that you both go to bed naked. I thought, “hmmm, sounds fun!” Now, I’ve never ever been able to sleep naked, but decided to see if I could train myself to. It took probably 2-3 weeks and now I honestly can’t sleep with anything on. I feel suffocated! In the beginning, I could fall asleep, but then I’d wake up and feel ‘not right’ or cold so I’d get up and put a nightgown on. But then it slowly became the norm. I’m not saying it will work for you, but I NEVER thought I’d be able to and was amazed when I was able to train myself to.

    Honestly, I don’t think it has increased our frequency of sex because now it is just the norm that we crawl in bed naked. It used to be that if one of us was naked, that was the “signal” but now there is no signal. That isn’t to say that one of us can’t initiate, but it’s not the same as realizing that your spouse is naked and needing to mentally decide to get “in the mood.”

    I do like the fact that it allows for sexual/sensual touch that doesn’t always have to lead to sex. Physical touch is my love language and so it is really nice to just lay naked together as you described Mrs J. But I think what I like best about sleeping naked together is waking up naked together in the morning. When the alarm goes off, I roll over toward him and we spoon or cuddle, caress and so forth. We don’t have time for morning sex (alarm at 4:45 and out the door by 5:30) but it is still a great way to start the day with that skin to skin contact. I also like that when I roll over in the middle of the night, there is my naked husband!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Wow, can’t believe I inspired someone to sleep naked. I’m not sure I can put that on a resume, but that’s pretty cool. I had about the same transition. For a while I would wake feeling like I had a fever just break: clammy, sweating, hot but cold skin, it was awful, but now, wow, it’s so freeing. I would never go back.
      Christina, my wife, isn’t ready for the transition yet though. And I get up 2 hours before my wife who is up an hour before the rest, so morning anything is just not an option unfortunately, so this is our guaranteed daily naked cuddle time.

    2. Christina Dee says:

      that gives me hope that one day I will be able to transition to it. I have gone to sleep a few times nude, but almost always wake up just like you said, ‘not right’ or cold. And in my dreams I am naked, and its a strange feeling to wake up too. plus there have been a few incidents where I’ve jumped out of bed to attend to a child, and in the nude scrambled for clothes or housecoat lol. hopefully those days are over soon. I am so happy for you guys that you get to experience lots of cuddle time and its such a positive experience all around! thanks for commenting!

      1. happywife says:

        Hi Christina,
        We don’t have the issue of having to scramble out of bed to attend to small children, so that makes is easier. My robe hangs on the back of the bathroom door, or sometimes it’s at the foot of the bed so it’s easy to grab and throw on if I do need to get up. You could even keep it right beside your bed on the floor.
        Give it a few weeks when you’re ready to try, and you might be surprised at how quickly you acclimate to sleeping naked.
        I love that you are putting your input in Jay’s blog posts now. Keep it up!

      2. Bonnie @ Love, Marriage and Sex says:

        We have small children and sleep naked every night. I used to feel weird too but now it’s just the norm. My 2 year old almost never wakes up and when my 9 month old does I just attend to her naked as well. Too bad I’m not breastfeeding, right? I have wondered how we would continue when the kids get older and are liable to just bust up in our room one day, lol.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          I think two options when the kids get older:
          1) Teach them not to enter before knocking
          2) Lock the door (buy a lock and install it if there isn’t one)

          1. bbh999 says:

            #2: Amen!

  2. JW says:

    I wish we could! Have little kids come in our room in the morning makes the complete nakedness a little awkward as they get older…

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I have three thoughts on this:
      1) You don’t have to sleep naked, just go to bed naked. When you have wound down, talked, prayed, then get your pajamas on and go to sleep.
      2) How old are the kids? My eldest is 7, she just thinks its funny if we’re naked under the covers if she comes in the room. I figure, as she gets older, she’ll realize she really doesn’t want to be in the room when we’re naked.
      3) Teach the kids to knock and wait for approval before entering.
      4) Get a lock.

    2. Christina Dee says:

      I was wondering how old the kids were, and if they do frequently wake up, perhaps you aren’t ready to sleep naked, but no reason you can’t just go to bed naked and then slip pj’s on when ready for sleep. hope you will reconsider! thanks for commenting!

  3. Conroy Dennis says:

    I absolutely love this article.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks Conroy.

    2. Christina Dee says:

      Thanks 🙂 I love that you love it. put a smile on my face!

  4. Stephen says:

    I have slept nude for 30+ years, married to my wife for 27 years. She has started sleeping topless about a year ago, on a regular basis. It’s a nice thought that many couples go to bed nude/naked, but that does not mean more sex.
    I am happy for those that have tried this and it helped, but it’s not a guarantee. We are still only together about every 2 weeks or so….

    1. Jay Dee says:

      No, that’s true, it does not guarantee more sex, I think it just increases the chance. If there is something structural in your marriage that is causing sex to happen infrequently, then this will not solve that.

    2. Christina Dee says:

      I am sorry that you still only have relations about every 2 wks! Do you have any idea what might be the reason behind the infrequency? Let us know if there is any way we can help! Thanks for commenting!

      1. Stephen says:

        Thanks, yes There are a couple things that do affect our frequency, we are both in our 50’s, she has some hormone issues and exhaustion are all issues we are dealing with. She has a stressful job as well. She has a hormone patch which may/may not be strong enough.
        I do have to commend her for trying and realizing the comfort of sleeping nude or in panties only. She does it all the time now, even if I’m out of town overnight.
        Thanks for responding…

  5. Leah says:

    I love this article, and I really enjoy Christina’s input! Everything you said (Christina) made me feel like I’m not alone. And everything you said (Jay) makes me want to believe my husband when he says that he thinks I am beautiful with my clothes off. I am still afraid of my husband seeing me naked. Just because he is so loving and I don’t want to kill it for him right before we have sex, I’ll let him see me naked, but if he looks anywhere too long, I start freaking out in my mind (especially if he looks toward my tummy). I don’t have this huge tummy, I’m not extremely over weight, but, I am about 20 lbs overweight, and after 5 kids, it’s not looking too hot. This article really gives me hope, and motivation. My husband is in bed right now. He got home from work late, and I went to church without him tonight. So, when I got home he was already in bed. I’m gonna go up to bed and get naked! And I’m going to initiate some fun. I can’t believe I’m so excited about this, but I am! PTL! Christina I would love to see your input like this in every article. 🙂

    1. Dan says:

      Good for you Leah. I know it took some courage to go up and initiate with your body issues. There is absolutely NO WAY seeing you naked is going to suddenly quell your husband’s desire for you and the 20lbs is far from a deal breaker for him I am sure. Jay Dee, I am going to suggest something here you may choose to delete or edit as too descriptive. Know I will not be offended.

      Leah and any woman out there who feels their naked body will somehow be a turn-off for their husband perform this simple test. It will take courage on your part. We will assume your husband has no erectile problems. Some men of all ages may. They cannot get erect, or they may have trouble maintaing an erection without significant and/or frequent stimulation.

      Do this: When your husband is stimulated to the point of erection stand before him completely naked. Either turn so he can see all of you, or allow him to walk around you and look at you. Notice if his eyes stop and linger and where they do. If you do this in front of a large mirror and face the mirror properly so you can see his face when he looks directly at your back side and at your front as reflected in mirror, You will be able to see his expression without having the discomfort of “looking him in the face”. You will learn a lot about his regard for you body. “What if he pauses at my face, hair, arms,belly, butt, thighs, breasts or vulva for what feels like too long? How do it know what he’s thinking?” Well, all wives would hope they would hear him say something, but if not, you can always ask. “How do I know I will hear something positive?”

      Here’s the secret to knowing his thoughts about your body are positive. You don’t even have to read his mind. Stop watching his face and watch his erection! Still up? There’s your answer. He is having very positive thoughts about your entire body and very positive thoughts about those parts where he paused his gaze and savored them. If he has a touch of ED, his erection may falter a bit during this and your confidence may falter more than a bit with it. How do you know the flagging erection isn’t caused by flagging interest in your body and you? Like that old AT&T commercial used to say, “Reach out and touch someone.” Reach out and establish a very personal connection with him. As he rises to the occasion with a firmer resolve, you will be assured his seeming drop in interest is not about your you or your body, but his. It happens to the best of us men at times.

      I personally like that little bit of chub below the navel. I’d better. I have it too.

      1. Christina Dee says:

        Dan thank so much for commenting. Your suggestion is interesting. I have to say I’m not sure I would be able to just stand there and let my hubby look me up and down like that. I know I have issues where I constantly think people are judging me and I would feel like I was being evaluated or something. I can’t imagine it leaving a good feeling in me. But I don’t need the reassurance, I know even just from getting undressed and coming to bed naked he is ready to go, if you know what I mean. lol

        1. Dan says:

          I knew what I suggested was a radical approach, but when you read from so many women that they don’t/won’t/can’t believe their husbands when they tell their wives that they think they are sexy, then the only proof left seems to be the seeing-is-believing proof. I know for someone who is already hiding that this seems an impossible thing to do but I’m running out of ideas. When even thin, fit, toned women find something to dislike about their body and don’t feel comfortable letting their husbands see it, there are significant problems so be overcome psychologically. No amout of weight loss, fitness, exercising and toning will overcome those. To draw from you without meaning to judge you, but your remark is so illustrative of the depth and breadth of the problem, saying “I have to say I’m not sure I would be able to just stand there and let my hubby look me up and down like that. I know I have issues where I constantly think people are judging me and I would feel like I was being evaluated or something. I can’t imagine it leaving a good feeling in me.”, That you would feel evaluated instead of admired or desired speaks to the complexity of the issue. As a man, I try to write it from the point of adoring desire and as a female what you see is being evaluated. Perhaps it was in my presentation. Either way, we have so far to go with the body image issue. I am sure my wife would agree with you for what it’s worth. I’m sorry if I appeared inconsiderate or insensitive.

        2. Dan says:

          I was rereading the comments here and wondered why I hadn’t replied back to you before.

          “I’m not sure I would be able to just stand there and let my hubby look me up and down like that. I know I have issues where I constantly think people are judging me and I would feel like I was being evaluated or something.”

          Isn’t it interesting that the fact that you have issues where you constantly think you are being judged by others leads you to view that suggestion as a situation in which you are “being evaluated” when I was looking at it as an opportunity to feel and accept appreciation from your mate.

          That may look workable to me as a male and a female would find it uncomfortable which I can understand as being possible. I.E. I’m crazy for even thinking it. But what I find interesting from a psychological standpoint is your history, perspective and perhaps gender led you see it as judging while from my personal perspective and as a male, I saw it as being an exercise in appreciation. That just shows how really difficult it can be to find common ground with such complexities in our relationships.

          I’m looking at my wife standing there thinking, “She’s gorgeous, I can’t wait to get my hands on her. I’m one blessed guy,” and she is thinking “He’s judging me and comparing me to someone else and I’m falling short.” She let’s her feelings flood her emotions and reacts negatively and I’m wondering, “What did I do? What’s she upset about?” Now I’m frustrated because I’m all ready for sex and she is totally out of the mood and feeling hurt to boot. We have both misjudged the others intent and interpretation of what was really happening in our separate minds. That sounds like a plausible situation and a typical pattern of response. Sometimes I loose hope and feel like men and women are doomed to cat-and-dog it no matter how hard we try to find that common ground.

          Sorry I didn’t better illustrate my intent originally, which a woman may still find uncomfortable and not appreciative or flattering. What’s a guy to do? Keep searching for answers I guess.

    2. Christina Dee says:

      Leah thank you so much for your comment! I have 4 kids and am more then 40lbs overweight right now (I hate how big I am) but it doesn’t stop my hubby one bit from telling me I am sexy or saying how beautiful I am. I am so proud of you for doing what you did! I would love to hear how things went and if you are going to keep this as part of your routine, to go to bed naked I mean. 🙂

      1. Leah says:

        OK, so my husband was actually asleep when I went upstairs, but I still got naked and jumped in bed. I kissed him a few times and touched him a little to wake him up, and when he turned around and realized I was naked, he smiled and said, “cochina” (spanish for “pig” literally, but when used how he did, it means “dirty girl”…in a good way ofcourse..I was showered, lol) and then we made really good love. It was awesome. Also, I didn’t mean to sleep naked (b/c I also have weird dreams and feel funky) but we talked afterward for a while and I fell asleep naked. I actually slept pretty good. But, I think that I am going to focus more on being naked when we go to bed and not so much on staying naked all night. I can’t really express what a wonderful thing it is that I get both you and your husbands perspective on this subject. I hate that I am uncomfortable in my body. I love the fact that my husband expresses so many of the same points as Jay and I feel the same way you do. I want your confidence, it’s beautiful. Thanks again Christina. I’m actually mad at my hubby tonight because he got home late (he’s as slow as a snail) and we missed our Sunday school class activity. I was all ready and everything, but I know it’s not that big of a deal. So, I know he expects me to come to bed pouting….but he’s in for a surprise, because I’m coming to bed naked!! woo hoo. lol. Good night!

  6. Ambani says:

    Love the article, when i married my husband of 4 years he said he would love if we can sleep naked, i was not so keen at first but i tried as he promised to warm me up if i am feeling cold, it became a habit even when he is not around its hard for me to sleep wearing something…to me its the best thing to get to feel his warm body and everything on it the whole night, it even makes wanting sex better like if im not in the mood but he realy want it he can just press himself next to me and i know the moment something from him touches me anywhere on my body i will tremble on my knees if im up for it i can give in.

    1. Christina Dee says:

      Ambani, thanks for commenting!! I can totally relate to what you’ve said, Jay just has to press against me too sometimes if i’m not exactly in the mood, and that usually gets me to realize, “ohhh, maybe I do want this!” hehe

  7. Eric says:

    During dating, my (to be) wife mentioned that she didn’t wear PJ’s to bed. She didn’t like getting tangled up in clothes. She just wore panties. I had never heard that from a woman before! (Granted, its not like that comes up in conversations in the youth group!) So needless to say, I was even more interested in her. It just shouted out sexual confidence and playfullness. I have always been a underwear/naked guy and she is still a panty gal. Yes, it does make skin to skin contact much more common and touching (leading most often to sex) easier.

    1. Christina Dee says:

      Thanks for commenting Eric! sounds like you got yourself a great wife there! Love the confidence that she seems to be displaying even in the teen years.

      1. Eric says:

        Well, I don’t know if she was doing that in her teen years! We didn’t marry until our early 30’s, so I really don’t know when she started that practice. I just know from my past, sleeping naked never came up in discussions in the circles I ran in. (Youth group, churched singles, …) Most of the time I saw clothing (like on trips or in laundry baskets) of the women I knew, it always seemed to be PJ pants/tops, sleep shirts, full ‘jammies with feet’, …. To me however, I never understood the need to ‘get dressed’ to go to bed.

  8. Robyn says:

    “I think this is the number one reason really. My wife coming to bed naked is symbolic of her saying “I’m here” in a sexual manner.” Great article. I think this would be a great proof for any wife that has withheld sex … backing up words with actions.

    1. Christina Dee says:

      Thanks for commenting Robyn! 🙂

  9. LatterDay Marriage says:

    Wouldn’t make a difference here, she is often asleep long before I get to bed, and when that isn’t the case it is because I’m super tired. For us it happens right when we both get home from work, Saturday morning after she is done sleeping, and after church. I find undressing each other to be great foreplay, but I certainly don’t dispute anything you said about sleeping naked.

    1. Christina Dee says:

      Sounds like you guys know what works for you as for when to have sex. Have you tried going to bed with her when she does? being naked together doesn’t mean you have to stay in bed or have to have sex, but just that closeness of being together at the end of the day for a little bit brings about a whole new level of intimacy and trust between you both. There is something to be said about having your clothes taken off for you. I have to say now that I always do it, I kinda miss that part of forplay, just a little. lol

      1. LatterDay Marriage says:

        That only happens if I wind up going to bed really early (for me) or she stays up really late (for her) I don’t need nearly as much sleep as she does. What I would like to be able to do is to sleep through the night holding her, but that doesn’t work for either of us for a number of reasons. Sometimes when I come to bed she’ll wake up enough that we cuddle for a short time and that is nice, but if sex is going to happen for us, it nearly always happens hours before bedtime. I think we both have more energy for it that way too.

  10. Dennis says:

    After 21 years, my wife is just now getting somewhat comfortable with letting me see her topless – every now and then. Nakedness equals sex to her and unless that is her aim, then it is avoided in my presence most all the time. She’ll often prefer to have sex with a bra on. But just the other day, she was at least wearing a sexy bra. Painfully modest is probably a fair description. But she is trying to change – just this morning she “flashed” me as she was putting on her clothes. I said “Hey, why don’t you come over here and cuddle me like that?” I got the rolled eyes…… Sleeping naked is way out of the question for her. Going to bed naked is almost as far. (I would be all for it!)
    Her mothering instinct is so high that we cannot sleep with the bedroom door closed, much less locked, lest she not hear a kid call, from upstairs – they are 13 and 16……sheesh! They know to knock and not enter. But if sex is happening, then the doors MUST be locked before the first kiss. Foreplay is always preceded with “Did you lock the door?” Maddening. Baby steps.

    1. Christina Dee says:

      I can relate to the nakedness equaling sex, that took me a very long time to overwrite that programing, and we’ve been married almost 13 yrs. I can imagine after 21 yrs that is even harder to over come. maybe instead of asking her to come over to you to cuddle, mention that you would love to see those more often. you might still get the rolled eyes, but when she’s getting dressed, she’s on her mission to get ready for the day. but the fact that she flashed you is a very good sign that she wants to be playful! baby steps are still steps, at least she isn’t going backwards. Hope you’ll get some encouragement from that anyways. Perhaps what you could try is giving each other massages naked. the biggest thing I think for women to be more comfortable naked is to be naked more often. Perhaps you can encourage that some how?

      1. Dennis says:

        Thank you –
        Yes, I do encourage it often. I try to pour on the compliments, tell her all the time how sexy and beautiful she is. I started just this last week “tweeting” her an affirming, sometimes sexy tweet every morning. The first of the week she responded to them, last few days not. (she’s a twitter junky, me not so much) She is the classic low-D, inhibited, “good girl.” (though she wasn’t “good” with me prior to marriage and therein lies some of the issues.)
        As I told Jay in a reply before, we have just completed a 67 day hiatus from sex in an attempt to re-build and restart on new ground. 7 days into the restart and I can see some changes and potential. We’ve had sex 4 of the 7 days and three of which she has gotten the prize as well (first) thanks to my specific attention. I hope she is appreciating it. Although the other day I made the first direct approach to sex stating something along the lines of “feast after a fast” and got a subversive rejection thought not overt. We talked about it and all is well.
        I just read Jay’s post yesterday on “why he doesn’t worry about frequency anymore” and really, really know those feelings. I can so relate with the “starving kid” analogy. I am debating on whether or not to ask her to read that. It would likely not appeal to her narcissistic nature….
        We’re both working on it still, both still love each other greatly and are devoted to doing so. We both are devoted to God and His way so I know things will work out…..eventually. I’m impatient, but I’m working on it. 🙂
        Thanks again!

        1. Jay Dee says:

          Yeah, that post might be a bit more for this stage. Might be better to test the waters with Is Sex a Need or a Want?

    2. Eric says:

      I kind of get the ‘mothering’ thing you mentioned. My wife has been like that too. She wouldn’t close the door when the kiddo’s were little so she could here/see them. The bad part of that is once they got older and we did close the door to mess around, it was an automatic announcement of what we were doing. Not that them knowing was bad, but it was too obvious because we only closed it when we had sex. Took all the suspicion out of it in front of the kids.

      1. Dennis says:

        Well, our kids have probably figured that out by now too. But the biggest issue for me is that it completely takes most of the possible spontaneity out of the act. If one of us closes and locks the door – there’s no doubt what is “supposed” to happen next. It really ramps up the whole “gatekeeper” dynamic for us (me).

  11. MJK says:

    We are a “door closer” family too. We used to lock the door but the boys became teenagers and the last thing they want to do is walk into THAT bedroom at that time. Haha! We don’t hide the fact that we have a loving relationship. It’s good for the boys to see a loving relationship (great role model). I think it’s important that the door closes almost every night for a time, and that is good for them to see. Why hide normal? They both head to the basement for awhile. We also keep our bedroom TV loud for obvious reasons.
    We don’t sleep naked but I’m okay with that, for now. He likes the house at 80 degrees year ’round. If it’s not, then he wears a clean winter cap, clean chore gloves, etc… to bed. I will probably sleep naked when both boys move out. That day is getting real close.
    Come to think of it, when both boys move out, we will no longer be a “door closer” family. Woohoo! Can you tell that I’m looking forward to that day?

  12. Bonnie @ Love, Marriage and Sex says:

    Great article Jay and Christina. You make great points, especially about removing obstacles to sex. It’s odd that during my refusal days it seemed like this massive CHORE to get undressed for sex. Now, chore averted. Also I like that I can be naked around the hubs without expectation of sex. It really is liberating.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I felt the same way, that removing her clothes was this massive, nearly impenetrable barrier to sex. I knew if I could get her clothes off, sex was probably going to happen, but getting them off was the trouble.

  13. Mel Caldicott says:

    Thanks for sharing at Essential Fridays.
    Mel from Essential Thing Devotions

  14. Chris Tian says:

    I’ve always slept naked, I get too hot with clothes on but that has nothing to do with sex. My husband and I have a very healthy sex life but I wouldn’t say my sleeping naked improves that, I actually think it’s important to be undressed as part of love-making.

    1. Dan says:

      Unwrapping a gift is part of the enjoyment of receiving it.

  15. jeff says:

    When we married, we were both nude in bed except when it was colder, she wore just a shirt-nothing else! Later years we got an electric blanket and she kept on going pantiless. As we had kids, she made sure the door was always locked and we conditioned the kids that the door was always locked. Then as my dream career failed and the years went by, she began to be clothed in panties and a shirt, while I continued nude. Often in disrobing before sex while in bed, she gets tangled in a knot of clothes and her long hair. every so often, when the planets are aligned, with congressional approval, she goes to bed nude. I am very excited when she is nude and she is a hot woman of 50. I am afraid that being unemployed so long now, gives her no desire to accommodate me. She has simply said that people who go around nude have something mentally wrong with them. (me too I guess). She is concerned about constant vaginal infections and tiredness, yet does little to solve this. Sex has become…boring. Here are the conditions for going to bed nude: good mood, not mad at me, no health or sickness feeling, warm or hot weather, I have to keep my hands to myself and not “paw” her, kids must be quiet or asleep, no emotional issues at the time, clear schedule the next day, Needless to say, the occurrence of her coming to bed nude is rare, very rare and I am bothered by it every single day! I’m bothered by it because in the beginning of our marriage for 10 years, she was nude in bed, now for the last 19 years nothing. I am absolutely, positively bored and she goes about her day without a care in the world.

    1. Dan says:

      Sorry to hear this Jeff. You may be on to something with the unemployment issue. Women want to feel secure and provided for. I don’t mean they want to sit at home watching TV and eating bonbons all day, but they do like to feel their husbands are capable providers. It can even be a tricky balance in a family that agrees to reverse role because the wife has a more monetarily-valued career or one with a stronger future.

      Without getting into other possible issues, it may be that she is having a difficult time maintaining respect for you since you are chronically unemployed long-term. It could be age, disability or lack of marketable skills that is keeping you from getting a desirable job, but she may be seeing someone who just doesn’t want to work and has lost initiative. If she doesn’t feel you are trying your best, she will have a difficult time respecting you, bottom line. I suggest this admittedly onerous solution: Get a job. Get one at WalMart, Target, Meijer, McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, Home Depot, Lowes. Get one any place that will hire you and stick with it. Take part-time, Find two jobs. Be willing to be under-employed and under-payed. Show her you are still in the game. I suspect that will make a difference. She may even commiserate with you about your lousy job and hope for better for you. I believe her respect will increase and with it her interest in sex, if for no other reason than to comfort her suffering but working husband. Give it a shot, Jeff. You have so little to lose other than a bit of obstructing pride (which I totally get) and so much to gain. Try it for at least 6 months. Who knows? You may get a better offer there when you prove yourself and you can build on that for something you really want.

  16. John says:

    I have always been an advocate of sleeping nude with your spouse because of the intimacy of cuddling. I had thought it would also bring about some increased sex. It did not. Zero. But the warm closeness is better than pajamas.

  17. JR says:

    We have been sleeping together naked since we married 8 years ago. My wife had never done that until she married me. My thoughts were it creates marital intimacy by the warmth and touch and is romantic. She loves my idea. I also expected it might bring about more sex but it has not done that. So, I think I was correct on the closeness/intimacy factor but completely off on the sex part. However, she has a very low sex drive and I have a very high one so we continue to have issues in that regard.

  18. Anonymous says:

    My wife and I have always gone to bed and slept pretty much naked but had underwear on. She sleeps topless but wears some panties and I keep my boxers on cause if I have an erection sometimes I’ll leave a little snail trail and I don’t want to get it on the sheets lol. Sometimes she’s completely naked. But after reading this article it made me want to try sleeping totally naked so I reach under the covers and slide off my boxers and oh my gosh it felt wonderful! I don’t know why that one tiny layer of clothing made such a difference but it did and plus it might felt sound weird but it felt sexy. After few minutes I turn and lay on my stomach and I admit it felt good on the soft sheets. I no longer care about the snail trail and don’t think I will ever wear boxers to bed again.

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