Going to bed naked survey results

Jay Dee

Going to bed naked survey results

Jan 29, 2014

Last week we wrote a post about going to bed naked, how it could improve your frequency of sex.  I’ll be honest, it was a hypothesis.  I had only a data-set of one marriage to go on (my own).  So, I thought I’d add a

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Going to bed naked survey resultsLast week we wrote a post about going to bed naked, how it could improve your frequency of sex.  I’ll be honest, it was a hypothesis.  I had only a data-set of one marriage to go on (my own).  So, I thought I’d add a survey to the end of the post to see if my hypothesis was true, or, if it was false, was it true only under certain conditions.  So, here are the results of our “Going to bed naked” survey.  And, since everyone seemed to enjoy her input, my lovely wife will be commenting again where she wishes in purpleto give us an additional perspective.

Basic Stats

Gender

  • Male – 59% (127)
  • Female – 41% (89)

Totaling 216 participants.  This is the first time we broke 200.  Not bad for our little community.

Thanks for participating!! We love digging through the data, well Jay does, I love reading about it after he’s analyzed it.

Do you go to bed naked?

  • I do, but my spouse doesn’t – 18%
  • My spouse does, but I don’t – 7%
  • Neither of us do – 50%
  • We both go to bed naked – 5%
  • We both sleep naked – 21%

So, half of the couples, neither goes to bed naked.  One spouse does in another 25%, some 5% go to bed naked, but then get dressed (one or both), and the remaining 20% or so sleep naked.  So, that’s 50% neither go to bed naked and 50% one or both will.

How many times a week do you have sex?

  • Less than once a week – 27%
  • Once a week – 16%
  • Twice a week – 14%
  • Three times a week – 18%
  • Four times a week – 12%
  • Five times a week – 7%
  • Six times a week – 3%
  • Seven or more times a week – 3%

So, this leaves 43% of couples having sex once a week or less. It would be so nice to see this percentage lower.

How are your sex drives matched?

  • I have the higher sex drive – 65%
  • My spouse has the higher sex drive – 20%
  • We’re the same – 16%

So, just so no one thinks the lower drive spouses are unrepresented.  Granted, the higher drive spouses (relative to their spouse of course) are a much higher percentage of our community, but that’s to be expected, given the subject matter.  Kudos to the lower drive spouses who, I’m guessing, are here to find out how to bless their spouses more in this facet of marriage. I would be one of these people. Thanks for being honest about your drive and I’m sure your spouse really appreciates what you do to help your marriage! I’m a little surprised at the 16% who said they are evenly matched. I wonder if maybe there were a few people that were low drive, but didn’t want to actually admit it? I thought this was a rare occurrence, but that’s like 3 in 20 marriages.  I wish I had asked for age ranges, I would have liked to see how that splits out. That would have been an interesting angle to see.

Marriage Dynamic

  • Egalitarian (neither/both lead) – 45%
  • Husband leads the marriage – 45%
  • Wife leads the marriage – 10%

Now, I have my suspicions (as do many people, husbands and wives, that I’ve talked to), that many in this “egalitarian” section are really wife-led.  We discussed this in a previous surveyAre the men afraid to take the lead? Do you think your wife is scary? I have always wondered why Jay didn’t take more control over our marriage in the early years, I felt I had no choice but to, otherwise it would have been more of a disaster.

So, shall we check out how the genders answered separately?  That’s always interesting.

Responses by Gender

Do you go to bed naked?

The men said

  • I do, but my spouse doesn’t – 28%
  • My spouse does, but I don’t – 2%
  • Neither of us do – 52%
  • We both go to bed naked – 2%
  • We both sleep naked – 17%

Funny, not a lot of men passing up the chance to go to bed naked if their wife is. Generally speaking men are very visual, and I think physical touch is a lot of men’s love language as well. So it makes sense that they would jump to bed naked if their wife is 😉

The women said

  • I do, but my spouse doesn’t – 3%
  • My spouse does, but I don’t – 16%
  • Neither of us do – 46%
  • We both go to bed naked – 8%
  • We both sleep naked – 27%

As we’d expect, the incident of wives going to bed naked raises a bit when the women, of this community, are answering the question.  I suspect this has to do with the higher frequency of women being the low-drive spouse, so if they are reading posts on sex and answering surveys on sex, then they are probably making sex a priority in their marriage, thus skewing the general population.  Don’t get me wrong, that’s awesome.  Just something to be aware of when looking at the numbers. I’m really surprised at the 27% that both sleep naked! I didn’t expect that to be that high from the women’s perspective.

How many times a week do you have sex?

The men said

Sexual Encounters Per Week By Gender

  • Less than once a week – 35%
  • Once a week – 20%
  • Twice a week – 15%
  • Three times a week – 14%
  • Four times a week – 8%
  • Five times a week – 4%
  • Six times a week – 2%
  • Seven or more times a week – 3%

So, more than half (55%) of the men are having sex once a week or less.  I feel for you guys, and I’m doing my best to find ways to help.  Hang in there. I’m so sorry that you guys aren’t getting the attention you deserve from your wife. Patience, and prayer, and hopefully you will see an improvement.

The women said

  • Less than once a week – 16%
  • Once a week – 11%
  • Twice a week – 12%
  • Three times a week – 24%
  • Four times a week – 17%
  • Five times a week – 11%
  • Six times a week – 4%
  • Seven or more times a week – 4%

Looks like the women are generally fairing better than the men in this community.  Again, as stated above, this is expected.  But, I know there are some wives who are being refused by their husbands as well which make up some of those low numbers.  I’m working to try and find ways to help you to. For the others: way to go on blessing your marriages ladies! Keep it up! 

How are your sex drives matched?

The men said

  • I have the higher sex drive – 84%
  • My spouse has the higher sex drive – 5%
  • We’re the same – 11%

Hats off to the guys who admit their wives have a higher drive than them.  That takes some courage.  I’d imagine that number is deflated due to the stigma attached to admitting it. Perhaps some of the men that said they were the same should have considered that perhaps their wife actually has the higher drive.

The women said

  • I have the higher sex drive – 38%
  • My spouse has the higher sex drive – 38%
  • We’re the same – 24%

Again, I don’t believe this is indicative of the general population, but I do think the stereotype that men always have the higher drive is severely flawed.  I haven’t figured out how to get an objective, representative ratio yet. I think it’s really interesting, even considering the fact that the women that read these types of blogs generally have higher drives, it was still split evenly as to who has the higher drive. Not really sure what it means except that women here have higher drives generally.

Marriage Dynamic

The men said

  • Egalitarian (neither/both lead) – 49%
  • Husband leads the marriage – 40%
  • Wife leads the marriage – 11%

As I’ve said before, I think that egalitarian is high and the “wife leads” is low, but we’ll accept it as is for the purpose of the survey.

The women said

  • Egalitarian (neither/both lead) – 40%
  • Husband leads the marriage – 52%
  • Wife leads the marriage – 8%

Now, I’m surprised, usually the wives who lead the marriage won’t admit to it.  We have a few here that do it seems.  I applaud your admitting to reality.  I am curious what your thoughts on that reality are (whether you enjoy it or not), as many women I’ve talked to who run households wish nothing more than for their husbands to step up and lead. I’m really curious too!! 

So, here’s the question everyone’s been waiting to have answered:

Does going to bed naked increase the sexual frequency in a marriage?

Across the board: Yes.  Going to bed naked increases the frequency of sex in a marriage. (Tweet This)

Going to bed naked increases sexual frequency

BUT, you both have to go to bed naked.  According to our results, one spouse going to bed naked has a negligible effect on frequency (3% gain), but both going to bed naked increases the frequency by 92%!  That’s nearly double!  Oddly enough, if both spouses sleep naked, it’s only a 49% increase…which is nothing to laugh at, but it is a bit confusing.  I mean, their naked for longer, that should mean more sex, right? That’s what I would have thought. 

Here’s my hypothesis:  Some spouses that both sleep naked may be going to bed naked just because they are comfortable sleeping that way.  Whereas the couples who are going to bed naked, but sleep clothed, I think, are getting naked for the expressed reason to have some naked cuddle time, which focuses on sexual intimacy (if not resulting in sex that night), and focusing on sexual intimacy is a good way to increase sexual frequency in a marriage. I wonder though, do the couples that just sleep naked not enjoy their spouse’s  nakedness? I couldn’t imagine that if we actually both slept naked that our sex life would decrease like these stats suggest.

So, for those who want the actual frequencies:

  • Neither spouse goes to bed naked: 1.8 times per week
  • One spouse goes to bed naked: 1.9 times per week
  • If both spouses sleep naked: 2.7 times per week
  • If both spouse go to bed naked: 3.5 times per week

However, these numbers (particularly about sleeping naked) are being thrown off by another factor: marriage dynamic.

Effect of marriage dynamic on sexual frequency

On average, our respondents are having sex 2.2 times per week.  What’s interesting is how it’s split up by marriage dynamic:

Marriage Dynamic Effects on Sexual Frequency

  • Wife-led marriages have sex about 1.3 times per week
  • Egalitarian marriages have sex about 1.7 times per week
  • Husband led marriages have sex about 2.9 times per week

The husband-led marriages have sex 123% more than wife-led marriages and 70% more than egalitarian marriages.  I can attest to this, because we basically went through wife-led to egalitarian to husband-led in our marriage while noticing an increase of frequency along the way.  I’ve talked to quite a few couples who saw the same increase in their marriage as the husband stepped up to lead.  I know this isn’t going to a popular assessment to the 45% of my readers who are egalitarian, but it’s what I see, both from anecdotal evidence, and in the data.  So the husbands out there that want more sex, I’m sure there are quiet a few of you…do you see what you have to do? It is amazing to me the difference a marriage feels with Jay being the leader. It is so freeing!

Egalitarian marriages have less sexWe see the same sort of progression in terms of people going to bed naked.  Wife-led marriages are the most clothed at bed (38% have one spouse naked), egalitarian are next (44%) and husband-led marriages apparently the most clothing optional (60%), while oddly enough, the egalitarian marriages tend to sleep naked the most out of the three groups.  But again, I suspect that this is often due to comfort level at sleeping rather than sexual intimacy in many cases, as it doesn’t seem to be leading to more sex.  The data supports this.  In egalitarian marriages, if both spouses come to bed naked, the frequency of sex drops down to 1.3 times per week (from the 1.7 average).  In fact, in egalitarian marriages, unless both spouses come to bed naked (and not because they sleep naked), the frequency is at 1.3 across the board.  If they do, it rises to 3.0 times per week, which is still behind the 4.0 times per week the husband-led marriages see in the same circumstances. Egalitarian marriages are confusing! Perhaps since they are both leading, they don’t really know who is taking the lead when they both go to bed naked, so they just go to sleep while waiting for the other one to initiate?

I know, it’s a lot of numbers.  Basically the gist of it is this.  In terms of sexual frequency, the best situation to be in is a husband-led marriage where both spouses are going to bed naked, and not just because they sleep better without clothes on.  These marriages, on average, have sex four times per week.  The worst place to be is in a wife-led marriage where only one spouse comes to bed naked.  These marriages have values so low that it’s not really represented well in the data (0.7 times per week or less).  Also, we saw no wife-led marriages were both spouses were going to bed naked, and only two where they both slept naked, so the data there is not from a very deep data set.  I suspect that 3.0 is not representative of the common population in these types of marriages.

Your Turn

So, what does this mean for you?  If sexual frequency is an issue in your marriage, could you make a change to go to bed naked together? How can we encourage you to try and go to bed naked?  Also, wives, do you want to be in control? How can we help you help your husband be the leader God designed him to be?

And if there are any other questions you have that weren’t answered, please let us know and we can run another survey, or, if we have the data, do the analysis to answer your question.  You can email us, post a comment below, or submit a request on the anonymous Have A Question? page.

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49 thoughts on “Going to bed naked survey results”

  1. ButterflyWings says:

    Hmmm maybe rather than saying “men who want more sex should take the lead”, maybe the correlation is men who don’t want much sex are also the ones who won’t take responsibility in the marriage in general. While I’m sure there are lots of men who want more sex who also need to take the lead in the marriage, there are also a LOT of men who DON’T want more sex and who avoid taking the responsibility to lead.

    “So, what does this mean for you? If sexual frequency is an issue in your marriage, could you make a change to go to bed naked together?”… Sorry but this just ignores the underlying problem. It relies on BOTH partners wanting to change the dynamic. I’ve been to bed naked, I’ve worn sexy lingerie, I’ve done everything humanly possible. My husband has a low sex drive biologically and think having sex once a fortnight or less is normal/healthy/desirable, and unless HE decides to do something about it, there is literally nothing else I have left to try.

    Oh and one other thing on the topic, it may have made more sense to ask WHY people go to bed naked and divide the results by reasons. There is a huge difference between someone who goes to bed naked because they enjoy sleeping that way versus someone who forces themself to do it despite it being painfully uncomfortable because they want to either for their spouse’s benefit or as a way to try and get sex.

    If you go with the more common situation where the man has the higher sex drive, many women go to bed naked despite it being uncomfortable to make their husbands happy, and many men go to bed naked hoping to get some sex – in both situations most of them don’t like the sensation of sleeping naked, but are doing it for relationship or sexual reasons. It’s entirely different to those who LIKE sleeping naked.

    For those who want to sleep naked, there is a good chance they see nothing sexual in going to bed naked. In fact many people who I’ve spoken to who like SLEEPING naked, actually deliberately wear something (ie lingerie or costumes etc) to signal that they are going to bed for sex not sleep. For these people, if their spouse suddenly started going to bed with no clothes, they’d more than likely assume that sex is NOT happening, or at the very least not pick up the hint that their spouse wants sex.

    Also, if you added into the survey to ask why a person ISN’T sleeping naked, you’d also get more useful results. there is a huge difference between people who have genuine medical conditions where they can’t sleep without clothes because it’s literally agonisingly painful (very real too – I am one of those people – I have skin sensitivity problems and literally cannot physically sleep naked – I’ve tried going to bed naked despite the pain to try and get some sex, but hubby just ignores it if he’s not interested which is most of the time) and those who like sleeping with clothes for comfort reasons (people like my husband who wouldn’t go to bed naked ever because they just don’t like the feel of sleeping with no clothes), versus those who have no particular reason not to sleep naked.

    People who don’t care about whether they wear clothes to bed or not are a very different group of people who can’t sleep without clothes.

    Anyway… just some thoughts from a very sex deprived person right now… It’s been once in 6 weeks now. And yes I had a baby 5 weeks ago but I’m not the one who is refusing to have sex.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks for the feedback, I will try to integrate it into the next post.

      Congratulations on your baby! Been wondering where you had disappeared to.

      1. ButterflyWings says:

        Thanks. Sorry if I sounded a tad grumpy, the lack of sleep and lack of sex is getting rather frustrating. Just tired of a husband who rarely wants sex.

  2. Steve says:

    Jay, how did you begin to broach the subject of sex with your wife? How did she respond?

    My wife gets very angry about it, says it’s all I want to talk about. In truth, that’s not true, but unless I bring up the topic it will not come up at all.

    I am usually refused and essentially live in a sex less marriage, which makes me very angry. I very rarely see my wife naked, she does not attempt to dress sexy, she neither comes to bed naked nor sleeps naked, while I do.

    It’s been long enough now that I almost never initiate anymore. It is easier for me to do without than to be rejected again by my wife. Not even sex on ‘special occassions’ or holidays, but I’m becoming a good liar–I pretended to be festive and happy anyway..

    1. ButterflyWings says:

      *hugs* Steve. Sadly I know exactly how you feel. I pray your situation changes soon.

  3. Kevin says:

    Hey Jay,
    That was a great article, and congratulation on over 200 responses. That is spectacular. I just responded to the survey this morning; just way to busy last week to concentrate on anything else. I think the only other thing that would have been interesting to know regarding the responses, would have been to know what the length of marriage was, as well as ages. With a lot of second marriages and advanced ages, there seems to have been a lot more discussion about sexual expectations. But I digress…
    We have been married 32yrs, and are both early 50’s. I have always been the hi-drive, but my wife is catching up. PTL!. I started sleeping naked probably 25yrs ago, and as per usual, it took my wife about 5 yrs to catch up. She finally got tired of waking up in the middle of the night with her nightgown wrapped around her legs so tight, she had to get out of bed to get untangled. Then she graduated to some spaghetti strap tops and going bottomless, but when the straps kept tearing, she just ditched the whole shooting match…haha…both naked. I completely understand the mothering issue of waking up to kids, but take heart, this too shall pass.
    My only word of advice to those couples with young kids, PLEASE let/”make” your kids hear you having sex…it is good for them; we didn’t do this, and when our 20something daughter did actually hear us a few years ago, she got all upset; not scared, because she know what was going on, but she had never really been “faced” with hearing us before, and I guess that it was a bit of a shock to her…:(.
    Now to your original question…did sleeping naked actually result in more intercourse for us? I would have to say “very marginally”. My wife has always had a huge mothering instinct…that was her ultimate goal before we got married…to have children; I have to applaude her…we were married almost 9yrs before our first child came. I am very grateful for this, since I am not the best with young children. However, the down side of this is that her entire world revolved around our home and our children. It has always been quite difficult for her to focus on anything else, including me…to the point where we can be in the middle of an excellent session, and she will blurt out something about laundry, or grocery list, etc., which can be quite dis-heartening if I take it too seriously, and early on, I did take it too seriously. In the last few years, I have learned to laugh it off and keep going, but that is not an easy thing to learn.
    Sleeping naked together does create a lot of opportunity for excellent skin-to-skin touching, and as I think you mentioned, a lot of times, simply being able to touch (or as my wife would say with rolling eyes…”a good grope”…:0) can be enough to satisfy the craving for at least a little while.
    I don’t know if I have really added anything of value with this rambling, but please keep up the good work.
    Job well done, by both of you.
    Regards, Kevin

    1. Anonymous says:

      I don’t agree at all in letting or “making” your kids hear you having sex! What the crap?!? You can teach your kids about sex at age appropriate times, and let them know about how awesome it is, and fulfill the Titus 2 role of training boys to be men/husbands and girls to be ladies/wives without exposing them to their parents having sex. I heard my parents ONE time when I was 12 and already knew about sex and let me tell you, it was the most uncomfortable, unwanted, gross thing I’ve ever experienced, and to this day (29 years old and 10 years of marriage) wish I had NEVER heard.

      1. ButterflyWings says:

        Totally agree Anonymous! Kids don’t need to hear it to know about it.

        1. Kevin says:

          Ok, maybe I went a bit overboard with “make” part of my response; after having a conversation with my wife about this exact topic; she heard her parents on repeated occasions through her teenage years, I on the other hand, never, ever heard my parents not once. I guess my point is this: is it worth sacrificing the contentment of your spouse over the embarrassment of your children. I guess my question becomes that if your kids know about sex, what do they know about it and where are they learning it from if your activity doesn’t raise the question; not many parents have the nerve to bring up the topic out of the blue; if the kids are asking questions because of what they heard their parents doing, it is much easier to deal with the subject. Does that soften it enough?

  4. Anon. says:

    I am a higher sex drive wife, fairly newlywed at just two years. My husband and I both sleep naked-he because he always has and enjoys it-not because he’s desiring to have more sex. I do because I love that physical contact even if we aren’t having as much sex as I’d prefer (currently 3-4 times a week) but on those occasions when I come to bed w a nightie on (not one of my seductive lingerie) if I’m feeling chilly etc my husband will usually request I take it off but usually not w sex in mind 🙁 because he loves the skin contact-sometimes I think more than sex-and we both enjoy falling asleep with his arms around me. I should also mention besides being higher sex drive I initiate almost every time (maybe another helpful question)-he rarely, rarely initiates and if I didn’t I suspect we’d be having sex once or twice a week. (Although he is much more passive and not as direct as I am so I may need to learn what he considers initiating or if it’s just easier and safer for him to have me do it? I should say I don’t think I have ever turned him down and I welcome him to take this responsibility! I have tried talking, telling him what I need and want in this area…) Although we have a good sex life I would prefer more often (probably a helpful question). I would also LOVE it if my husband took more of a lead in the bedroom-I would prefer that he be dominant in the bedroom but I am happy that when we do have sex he is a generous lover. I am the spouse who has to be creative, make suggestions, initiate , learn and teach. I am not sure but I am thinking I am reading doubt here about the percentage of wives who are higher drive which is hurtful. It is hard to read almost every Christian blog talking about a man’s high sex drive and how a wife needs to treat this etc. when your man is fairly passive and lower drive-would be awesome if bloggers would acknowledge that in a big number of marriages (1/4-1/3) although not the majority still a big percentage. Very hurtful! Hard to talk about to anyone without thinking I might bring shame on my husband for not wanting sex everyday and not being assertive. I should also mention I am older than my husband (both in good health) so we break the norm in more ways than one. Outside the bedroom I said we are egalitarian-we respect each other. I would say I defer to my husband if we don’t agree and I trust his decisions with money etc.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I agree, more bloggers need to acknowledge the fact that a quarter to a third (I find the same ratio) of wives are higher drive than their spouse. I’ve done by best to do so in posts, and have specifically addressed this issue a few times.

      I will continue to try to be gender neutral in my posts when possible. As for the rest, the fact is, the high-drive women tend not to be very vocal about it, for various reasons. And so, then high drive men tend to get a lot more of a voice.

      Now, I would like to point out the inconsistency in your last two sentences: In one you say you are egalitarian, the next you say you defer to him. You can’t have it both ways.

      1. Anon. says:

        Ok then I don’t think understand the differences of egalitarian, wife-led and husband-led.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          I’ll try to explain how I see them in an upcoming post.

  5. Dan says:

    BW-“hubby just ignores it if he’s not interested which is most of the time) and those who like sleeping with clothes for comfort reasons (people like my husband who wouldn’t go to bed naked ever because they just don’t like the feel of sleeping with no clothes), versus those who have no particular reason not to sleep naked.”

    You bring up a lot of good questions Jay didn’t address for whatever reasons. I suspect it was simply a case of not thinking of it at the times. Creating a survey is like making a spreadsheet. You have to begin with the end in mind and the “end” at the time was only about sexual frequency if one or the other slept naked, not so much why they did or did not sleep naked. You do have a point though that this only works if a spouse is desiring or willing to go to bed naked.

    Having said that, I’m not picking a fight with you or saying this to hurt your feelings, but is it possible that you husband is not being completely truthful with you about “the feel of sleeping with no clothes.” It possible that he feels 1) being naked in the bed signals to you he is interested in sex when he may not be, or 2) being naked makes him vulnerable to your sexual advances which he then has to refuse which is uncomfortable for him and hurtful for you, or 3) being naked in bed will lead him to participate in sex that he doesn’t desire but won’t refuse for whatever reason? He may be telling you the truth about his sleeping preferences, or he may be creating a defense mechanism the allows him to completely control the sexual dynamic in your marriage. I would think it would be impossible, and certainly highly uncomfortable, for you to insert a pajama or boxer short wrapped penis, a fact he may be considering. I am not asking for an answer, but will ask the question for you to ponder: To what degree does he not “like the feel of sleeping with no clothes?” Does he wear pajama tops AND bottoms, AND perhaps socks, or usually only just enough to cover his genitals and wall them off from stimulation by you or the bedding, especially in warmer weather. I.E., is he hiding himself from you and controlling access by refusing to ever go to bed naked ?

    1. ButterflyWings says:

      Dan it’s definitely not walling things off. It’s a comfort thing related to his sensory issues of his aspergers. He has always worn the same thing to bed, apparently since a little child. He hates being naked, even during sex. He’ll only take his clothes off just before penetration – all of the foreplay is with clothes on because of his dislike of being naked, even when he does take his clothes off, it’s only his pants, he won’t take his top off. He sleeps in a tracksuit and socks all year round. Even in the hottest part of summer when a tracksuit is too hot to wear, he’ll wear lightweight long pants and a tshirt.

      Actually it’s kind of weird…. even when we have sex, he won’t take his socks off because he finds it uncomfortable. I don’t get it. But even his family have backed up that he’s always slept with tracksuit and socks. It’s definitely not an anti-sex thing.

      Plus he knows clothes don’t deter me at all

      1. Dan says:

        Thank you for sharing more BW. I don’t have any real first-hand experience with Asperger’s or autism and your reply has broadened my understanding in that area. This is something that few people are probably aware of. This is a very timely reply. I am currently reading two, make that three, books that deal with introversion and high sensitivity. Introversion: Quiet by Susan Cain. High sensitivity: The Highly Sensitive Person and The Highly Sensitive Person in Love by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. Though not directly dealing with Asperger’s and autism, they do address many of the characteristics they share, especially Aron’s works. Not attempting to play armchair psychologist, but it sounds as if your husband is effectively limiting the stimulus in his environment so he doesn’t become over-stimulated thus experiencing anxiety and stress. It may be that is why he is reluctant to engage in sex. He may not be low desire/drive, a term which is actually relative and not always necessarily quantitative, but merely unable to act upon his desire because of avoiding becoming over aroused. He may merely be trying to maintain a comfortable (read optimal) level of arousal that he can effectively cope with. I would suspect if that is the case, he is also not likely to engage in much foreplay which would be overstimulating for him but then makes it all the more difficult for you to have a satisfactory experience. He may even rush through it to maintain control of his arousal state. It has to be very challenging for you. I would propose that if it is not abhorrent to you, that you engage in a bit of prior self-stimulation when the two of you are going to have sex so you are adequately aroused and able to optimize your experience. Sadly, he may deeply desire to have a more healthy and satisfying sexual experience with you, but isn’t psychologically or physiologically capable of it at this time. Have you looked into any therapies specific to this issue as it relates to Asperger’s. I say that while realizing that the options may be very limited and not geographically well-distributed.

        Stay in prayer on it. Many of us here will keep you in prayer too.

  6. Matt says:

    “Going to bed naked increases the frequency of sex in a marriage. ”
    I wouldn’t be so fast to make this conclusion, though its a great Tweet to draw attention!

    I’m no statistician, but I know enough that correlation does not (necessarily) mean causation. Meaning, just because there’s a high correlation of greater frequency and naked in bed, does not mean sleeping naked means greater frequency. It’s like saying people who go to libraries, read more books. Therefore, if you want to read more books, go to the library. This is faulty logic. People who go to libraries frequently, LIKE books. So they read more of them. But simply going to a library isnt gonna make a bibliophile out of everyone. You really gotta like books first before you read lots more of them.

    It could be (indeed its likely) that people go to bed naked BECAUSE they LIKE sex and have more of it. It’s unlikely they have more sex simply because they’re in bed naked.

    That said. I’m doing this a lot more often these days. The wife, not so much. And our frequency is virtually unchanged. There’s a lot more dynamics as you have rightly discussed than simply shedding the PJs for bed.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Hey Matt,

      As you said, it’s a great tweet to draw attention. We get the discussion of causality vs correlation in every survey. I thought about adding that discussion right into the post, but frankly, it gets more people to discuss the topic if I don’t, and ultimately on of my big goals is to foster discussion, so it serves its purpose.

      That said. The book “The 7 Habit of Highly Effective Couples” is entirely about correlations, not causation, and yet it’s a huge resource that is highly recommended for making your marriage more effective.

      I will say, that if both spouses are interested in raising frequency, I have no doubt that both of them going to bed naked would cause an increase. And, as I said in my post: one spouse going to bed naked makes little to no difference.

      Thanks for commenting!

    2. jeff says:

      ok, someone finally said it about the numbers. I would say that going into more demographics and non Christian couples for the survey to get real numbers, but we are concerned for Christian couples, right? in psychology (I am an older psychology grad student) surveys are done in batches of 100. so if we have people here at a web site for Christians and more than 200 respond, look at the results and we can indeed make a scientific conclusion. I know, that both of us sleeping nude early in our marriage resulted in a much more frequent sex. Now that she has developed an uncomfortableness over nude-sleeping, sex is rare and boring. also, I do not lead the marriage, she does and my unemployment ruined things even more. I think the survey is interesting but addressing more married Christians of all ages would give us similar results that are more believable to all. In the meantime, this survey explains a lot in my marriage.

  7. Robyn Gibson says:

    Hey JD, great stats! And congrats on the over 200 responders!!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks Robyn!

  8. Kimberly says:

    I’m someone who participated in the survey and loved reading the results!

    Guess I know what we’ll be doing from now on….. Sleeping naked!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Actually, the sleeping naked is less important than the going to bed naked. Thanks for participating!

  9. FarAboveRubies says:

    Hey Jay,

    I would love to see a survey about how many minutes difference each spouse has in going to bed then look at frequency. My hypothesis would be that if spouses jump into bed at the same time, or within minutes of each other, then the frequency will be more often. We have an unwritten rule that we go to bed at the same time or within minutes of each other. It just makes for a good relationship.

    Kevin, we never “hide” the fact that Mom and Dad love each other in front of the children. We would shut the door and put the bedroom TV up real loud. I know the experts say not to have a TV in the bedroom but it’s necessary to drown out the noises. When my youngest was age three or four, he shouted, down the hall, “Hey! Stop that laughing!”, I knew we had to move a TV into our bedroom. Problem solved.

    My hubby loves to have the house at around 80 degrees year ’round. I like it at 60 overnight. The compromise is 70. The result is my hubby wears long johns to bed with a night cap and socks, complete with clean chore gloves. I kid you not. He also has an electric blanket blazing on high (his side only) and a heavy quilt folded over on his side. It does not matter when comparing the frequency with the amount of clothing a person wears. If you have two willing participants, those clothes (long johns and all) come off pretty fast…really.

    Good article Jay. How ’bout that survey about when couples go to bed in relation to one another? I bet that would be interesting.

    1. Dan says:

      ♫♪ Well, life’s on a farm is kinda laid back, ain’t much an old country boy like me can’t hack. It’s early to rise, early in the sack thank God I’m a country boy. ♪♫♪ Sounds like he’s a Marine: Semper Flexibilis (Semper Gumby); Improvise, Adapt and Overcome. Denver sang a nice sentiment but I’m not so sure about the laid back part of it. Makes me wonder if he ever shoveled out a corn crib, mucked a stall, or shocked orchard grass and pitched bales onto a moving wagon in the blazing sun. HA

      1. FarAboveRubies says:

        Don’t forget cleaning out the granary, my fav. All my other favorites deal with manure (like cleaning the manure spreader beaters of twine, pitching it from the gates when cleaning the yard, and cleaning out the chicken coop after a long Winter). Aaaaaah, living the dream.

        1. Dan says:

          I have use and actual thunder mug and slept in a feather bed in the dead of a VERY cold winter. The only two stoves were in the living room and kitchen. The bedrooms were upstairs. There were vents in the floor for any heat to float up from downstairs but all they did was limit privacy. You were really happy to come back in to breakfast after the morning chores and warm up. My dad wouldn’t eat chicken because of what they ate. He did eat pork though. Go figure.

          1. FarAboveRubies says:

            Okay Dan, I get it. You were raised on a farm. You had it rough…maybe. Can you believe that I not only signed up for this, but seeked it out? This very spoiled city slicker was in for a rude awakening. I welcomed the change to rural living without regrets. I was raised in the suburbs but not by choice. My dad said, “You’re gonna marry a what???”

            When we first moved into the farm house, my hubby said to me, “Dear, if you want to do something to the upstairs, go right ahead.” He was thinking…paint. I, however, got the sledge hammer out. I was thinking…insulation. After he came in from work, it was too late. I had already taken down many walls upstairs. It took more than two years to get it all put back together. Never underestimate the power of a woman.

            Oh, by the way, we restored the upstairs bedrooms back to their original beautiful art deco 1936 decor (original wood floors, base and casings, and hanging lamps) only now it has spray foam insulation and electricity. Which leads me back to the original post, sleeping naked. Well, that doesn’t happen upstairs yet. As soon as the last child moves out, the clothes will come off and stay off all night. Woohoo!

  10. FarAboveRubies says:

    I forgot to mention that I really enjoy hearing from both you, Jay and Christina. It’s such a nice touch to have both of you here and on board. Keep up the great work.

  11. ARBrown says:

    a couple of thoughts on your survey. You did not allow for those couples who work opposing shifts. You also did not allow for instances when a man or woman has a medical condition that may impact sex. Early in our marriage my husband was the higher drive now I am the higher drive one BUT if you take away the medical issues I suspect that we would be equally matched. When we sleep naked it usually due to health not sex. By the way we just celebrated our 32nd year of marriage but have together as a couple for almost 35 years- so we have pretty much experienced the whole gamut.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks for the input. I will try to address those qualifiers in the future.

  12. Dan says:

    I like the addition of the purple comments too. It’s nice to get her perspective in a timely fashion. I don’t doubt there may be times when you won’t want them as a way of encouraging other women to post comments similar the the causality vs correlation dilemma. If she already addresses an issue, other may not comment as openly. It will be a balancing act at times.

  13. Mel Caldicott says:

    Such a great roundup of information!
    Thanks for sharing at Essential Fridays.
    Blessings
    Mel from Essential Thing Devotions

  14. kimberly amici says:

    I love seeing the statistics because it’s not something I would talk about with my friends, so how would I know. I definitely think going to bed naked would improve my husband and my sex life I can’t bear the thought of doing that. My bedroom is the coldest in the house and it is way too cold…LOL. I may have to reconsider though… Stopping by from Wifey Wednesday.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Would a space heater or electrical blanket be worth the investment for your marriage?
      Plus, half the fun of being cold is warming each other up!

      Thanks for stopping by!

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  17. Nicole Beard says:

    This is very interesting, quite a comprehensive survey- great job!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks Nicole,

      Glad you enjoyed it.

  18. Cybele @ BlahBlah says:

    Fascinating. It’s something I had always wondered too. Thank you for doing the survey x

    1. Jay Dee says:

      You are quite welcome.

  19. Leigh Anne says:

    This eye opening for me. My hubby always wants me to go to be naked (it’s his #1 rule and he only has one rule!). I am always braking the rule. Maybe I will try to obey this week 🙂 Thank you! Stopping by from T2D Link Up.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I always encourage wives to obey their husbands (so long as it doesn’t contradict obeying God). And why not? Try going to bed naked for a month, see what it does for your marriage. I bet you find a happier, more relaxed husband at the end.

  20. Doug says:

    Love going to bed in the birthday suit. My wife will if we are away on alone on vacation. As for frequency, well i wish it was once a week. I keep praying.

  21. Karen says:

    I just started going to bed half naked in order to give my husband a chance to fulfill his high drive. I’ve been doing it a couple of weeks and now I’m looking for more ways to become more involved in our sexual relationship. I just thought I’d make it easier for him since he comes to bed after I do. Anyway, when he came to bed the first night…nothing. He didn’t even notice it. But that morning he did and we were off to the races! It was one of the best moments sexually we’ve have in our 24 years of being together. I’m glad I did it. I’ve been very uninterested in sex due to financial struggles, frustrations and disappointments in life. However, I now see it’s a trick of the Adversary and designed to destroy our union. I’m am more committed now than ever and I’m glad this post has confirmed that I am on the right track to building and even stronger marriage. I’ve never denied my husband BUT I’ve made it so difficult at times that he has completely given up because I was making it too hard for him. I repent of that and I certainly will do whatever it takes to give him what he needs when he needs it. I will also be more involved in our relationship so he knows what I need as well. I’m excited about what has awakened in me and I really hate that it took so long for me to realize this. When I think of all the years I’ve wasted and the pleasure we’ve missed, I’m deeply regretful. I will continue doing my part to make the rest of our lives the best possible. Thanks for all of this great information you are sharing. Be blessed!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Wow, that’s awesome Karen. Quite the turnaround.

  22. Dan says:

    In the book, The Normal Bar, Their survey revealed only 34% or women and 38% of men said they sleep in the nude. They said there seemed to be a correlation between sleeping in the nude and sexual satisfaction. Of the individual in the survey who said they are not sexually satisfied, 75% said they never sleep in the nude.

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  25. Fumika Misato says:

    “So the husbands out there that want more sex, I’m sure there are quiet a few of you…do you see what you have to do?”

    There other possible interpretations of the data:
    1) Women want less sex than men so wife led marriages means less sex.
    2) Husbands are more attentive to their wives needs when sex is less frequent and wives know this.
    3) What counts as sex? If the wife directs her husband to satisfy her orally and ends the night there does that count as sex?

    Most importantly, when a wife led marriage is done right, the husband enjoys the lower frequency of sex. It is a powerful part of his surrender to his wife.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Except that all research data I have come across denies your suppositions.
      In addition to that:
      1) In about 1/4 to 1/3 of marriages, the wife wants more sex than the husband.
      2) Husbands are more attentive to other women when sex is less frequent, not more attentive to their wives. In every case I’ve seen, every couple I’ve talked to, the husband becomes more attentive with more sex. With less sex, he withdraws, becomes reserved and often turns to porn.
      3) I think anything that involves sexual activity counts as sex, so if a husband satisfies his wife orally, then yes, that’s sex. However, it should be noted that without orgasm, his oxytocin levels won’t spike and so the same bonding won’t be there. Not saying it has to happen every time, just making sure that’s understood.

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