About a week a go I got this question from our anonymous Have A Question page:
Am I wrong in pushing my wife to be more creative in our physical relationship? My wife was raised VERY conservative and believes that’s my department. She’s open to new things. But it has to be my suggestion or idea and in the bedroom only. I’m thinking she really doesn’t care about the physical stuff. Anxiously waiting your suggestions.
So, I think there are a few things going on here that we should explore.
Firstly, many conservatively raised women prefer to have their husbands take the lead. That’s not atypical. Most women like to be pursued, they want their husband to woo and seduce them. They want to be drawn in to a relationship, to feel that their are desired. Couple this with some incorrect (and sometimes unintended) teachings from Christians that sex is dirty, sinful, “a result of the fall” or whatever else, and it’s not surprising that there are a lot of Christian wives who don’t want to be creative in bed.
And often it’s not that they don’t like sex, or that they aren’t interested, it’s just too big of a cultural hurdle to get over to risk being seen as a … well … slut. Even when there’s only their husband there to see it.
Now, course this mindset isn’t right, you should feel free to explore and be creative in bed (or anywhere else private), with your spouse, but still, we need to recognize, that this is a popular mindset, flawed as it is.
So, is it wrong to push your spouse to be more creative? Well, my problem here is with the word “push”. Push can mean different things to different people. Push might be “act like a porn star or I’m divorcing you”. Yeah, I’ve heard from wives who have gotten that talk. Or spouses who have been threatened with divorce if they won’t engage in a threesome. Now, that kind of pushing is not okay in my books. That’s not pushing, that’s coercing. It’s preying on someone’s fears for your own pleasure. It’s manipulative and despicable. So, no, I don’t suggest that.
However, I do think it’s a good idea to help encourage your spouse (husband or wife) to be more sexually engaged. So, what can that look like?
Well, in some cases, it might just be leading at first. So, first you model the behaviour you want to see. For example, if you want your spouse to be more comfortable naked…well, you better be comfortable being naked yourself. Don’t expect them to do something you aren’t willing to do (except obvious gender allowances).
Secondly, you need to encourage the behaviour you like. So, if they get naked, be sure to compliment them on their body, telling them how beautiful and sexy they are. Because if you fail to encourage, that will seem like a criticism. If you criticize … well, you’re shooting yourself in the foot, because good luck if they ever step out of their comfort zone again.
So, don’t push, but rather lead and encourage. Those are my thoughts anyways.
7 thoughts on “Is it wrong to push my spouse to be more creative in bed?”
A slut is generally seen as a woman who lacks sexual moral and inhibitions. We need a word for women who have sexual morals and lack sexual inhibitions, then we can encourage women to be that for their husbands.
Yeah, I agree. A term that encompasses the idea of someone who is sexually free, confident, engaged and creative…but within the moral guidelines of the Bible. That term should be “Christian spouse” … sadly, it’s not.
I think the term “sex-positive” is at least close to what you’re looking for. Yeah, ok, this can also be a secular word, and can be used to describe a woman who is not moral, but within the context of biblically based married sexuality, I think this term is the one you’re looking for.
“Sex-positive Christian wife”?
Too bad it isn’t just wife.
Good suggestions Jay. I want to add that changes take time, lots of time. Don’t expect too much very soon. If you see one small change, rejoice. Be grateful for what you have, because one day you could be in a sexless marriage. That is a lot worse than lack of creativity in bed.
Great point. Yeah, it can take a lot of time. It’s a good opportunity to grow in patience.