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Why you shouldn’t ask for God to take away your sex drive

Jay Dee

Why you shouldn’t ask for God to take away your sex drive

Jan 28, 2016

Over the years, I’ve heard many people, men and women, say that they wish God would take away their sex drive.  In our darkest days of marriage, I did the same myself. These days, I’m glad God didn’t grant me that wish.  More recently, this

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Why you should't ask God to take away your sex driveOver the years, I’ve heard many people, men and women, say that they wish God would take away their sex drive.  In our darkest days of marriage, I did the same myself. These days, I’m glad God didn’t grant me that wish.  More recently, this topic has come up on my post about what to do with a sexually unadventurous spouse where some of the comments from frustrated readers have been suggesting this as a course of action.  So, why do I think this is a bad idea?  Two reasons.

It’s bad theology

I cannot think of a single instance in the Bible where God has answered a request from His people to break creation intentionally.  He’s a Healer, not a doctor.  He doesn’t remove infected pieces, parts that are causing us pain, or take things out of our life because they’re difficult.  If He’s going to fix something, it will to be heal the brokenness, not to make the brokenness easier to deal with.

He doesn’t change us to be more accepting of sin, but rather, changes us to be able to withstand sin better.  To be able to stand firmer, to be more compassionate, to have more self-control, to be more loving, while at the same time stronger against sin.

Most of the time I see spouses wanting to ask God to take away their sex drive because their spouse isn’t interested in having a sexual relationship, or at least, only on their own terms.  But, asking God to take away your desire is asking God to take away your desire for a healthy relationship.  It’s asking God to be okay with a broken relationship.  It’s asking God to accept sin in our life and not to deal with it.  In fact, it’s a plea to make it easier to accept our spouse’s sin.

How could God grant such a request?

It hinders God’s ability to heal the relationship

I’ve unfortunately been in contact with spouses who had been refusers in the past.  In their marriages, they had taken veto power over sex and had either severely curtailed it, or shunned it completed.  After years, or even decades, they realize their mistake.  They repent, and ask for forgiveness from God and their spouse.  But, by then, their spouse has managed to lower their own sex drive, usually by working diligently to stop being attracted to their spouse, because it hurt too much.  The repentant spouse now finds the tables have turned.  Now they want to have a fulfilling sexual relationship…and their husband or wife doesn’t.

This is what awaits some of those who wish for a lower sex drive.  God won’t grant their request, and so they take it upon themselves, and in so doing, destroy any hope for the marriage.

Now, some may think “well, serves them right” for being refuses or gatekeepers so long, but I don’t believe that’s God’s reaction.  I think He laments the loss of an opportunity for reconciliation.

 

So, I saw, don’t pray for God to take way your sex drive.  Don’t ask God to be an accomplice in this sin.  Don’t ask God to give up hope for your marriage.  Instead, pray for reconciliation.  Pray for healing.  Pray for those things that are in keeping with God’s character, not against it.

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25 thoughts on “Why you shouldn’t ask for God to take away your sex drive”

  1. crystal says:

    Thank you Jay Dee we are a couple that has been through this and we are still continuing to work through. I felt like there was something wrong with me like maybe I had a problem with even wanting sex. But after loosing my desire to even have a thought about my husband wanting to have sex with me again, he finally started to notice it was really difficult for me. He opened up to me, and let me know I wasn’t the reason. Communication is the most important part of this situation. We need to know and try to help.

  2. Keelie Reason says:

    I don’t think I’ve ever desired God to take away my sex drive while I was married….maybe when I was single. I don’t remember.

    Great thoughts here. I know that people who are in sex-starved marriages need this reminder.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I think there are some legitimate reasons for asking God to take away a desire for sex. For example, when one spouse is unable to have sex due to ongoing (chronic) medical issues, I think the other spouse can ask God to take away the desire for sex.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I know too many people who have had chronic “unhealable” medical issues that have suddenly been healed to accept that one.

    2. Cee Gee says:

      I totally agree with you.

  4. Abiel says:

    Thanks so much for this! Am a young married man with strong sex drive which my wife has very lower sex drive. I can have sex almost everyday, i decided to reduce it to make everything moderate. My wife complain everyday, now she’s pregnant for 7 weeks. more than seven weeks now no sex. what can i do? I don’t want to masturbate neither do i want to cheat on her but i need way out……………….

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Have you tried having a conversation about it?

  5. John says:

    As a man who just turned 29(and is still a virgin, because I wanted to wait till I was married) I have to say I wish above all things my sex drive would just go ahead and die already. In my time I have never met a woman who was virtuous(well atleast in my age category, the church has some very sweet older ladies). Feminism has become so rampant even in the Baptist circles that woman are plain unapproachable. It boggles the mind how even they are falling by the wayside. So for me, sex is just plain not gonna happen, unless I sin against God, and get some flings, and honestly women are sooooo ready to just give it up(generally speaking) that it is becoming very very tempting. And I always love how people say that you should just pray to God when you feel those strong desires. That never did work for me. The only thing a man can do really is either ignore it, or lets say help yourself. I will be honest, It really does tick me off that God wont throw me a bone here. I accept that I will be alone all my life, that’s cool, I can deal with that. I accept that the far vast majority of modern women are useless feminists and would make horrible partners, I can deal with that(seriously considering going full mgtow). But seriously, I know God loves me, he sent Christ to die for me after all, is this one request really so impossible? It seems like such a small request.

    1. Mary says:

      John

      You are probably actually my age and I wish I had meet and married a guy like you.

      I waited for marriage and ended up meeting who turned out to be a bad guy at church. Now I am a single mom who gets no financial help from him either.

      It was a very short marriage and never was a marriage from day one. He walked out on me and our kid and now my son doesn’t even have a dad.

      I was sad when I found out he lied to me and actually been around the block a lot. He was my first and last boyfriend because I never meet anyone. I hate how so many people who say they are Christians yet jump into bed with everybody unmarried.

      I know I am free to remarry and would like to meet a godly man who loves God and would love me and my son like his owe. I know I will never meet a man my age who is a virgin and wouldn’t be fair with me obviously not one anymore but would like to meet and marry a man who hasn’t been around the block a lot with a long list of women he has gone to bed with.

      Starting to think I will never remarry and when your not a virgin anymore, you really want someone special even more. I didn’t marry to be alone. I wanted a family. I love my son and wish someone would like to join our family.

  6. B says:

    I’m a married woman with a much higher sex drive than my husband. I tried talking about it, which used to make him angry. I started praying for God to take away my desire for my husband because the mismatched desire (especially with me being female) made me feel ugly, repulsive, washed up and worthless. God did not answer my prayer. Things are getting slightly better. Slowly. I did like your point of view on this, though. It makes a lot of sense.
    I’ve never been the low drive spouse, so I can’t say because I haven’t walked in their shoes, but I just do not understand why anyone would want to refuse sex with a healthy partner that they claim to love, in a good relationship. It boggles the mind.

  7. Paul says:

    I have been guilty of asking God to take away my sex drive multitudinous times in my marriage because the relationship has never been consummated due to physical pain on both of our parts. I see that my request is wrong and I have repented of it. I still need to trust God to help me live with purity until He brings me into His presence. I do not understand God’s ways, but I will trust Him even through the awkwardness and disappointment of 28 years of chastity in marriage.

  8. Shawn says:

    Can’t disagree more. My wife’s going through early menopause,and had no interest in me at all. Why should I suffer because of this? He designed her,and her body to do this, so it’s in his plan. I love her to death,and would never leave her, or cheat on her, but it’s not right that I have to suffer with these desires, and have no outlet.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Well, firstly, you are assuming that menopause causing a lack of sexual desire is His plan. I don’t think it is.
      And so, you’re solution to something that’s caused by a broken world is to ask God to break it more, which I don’t think He’ll do.
      I do think Satan will do though and make you believe that God did. He likes to do that.

      1. Shawn says:

        Well it’s basically the same situation. You’re correct in that God hasn’t taken my desire yet. I will continue praying for it, and it’s relief.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          So, why not work at figuring out what’s going on with your wife rather than waiting for Satan to trick your sex drive away from you?

          First off, menopause doesn’t have to mean a loss of libido, secondly, a loss of libido doesn’t mean sex needs to stop or diminish. So, why are you giving up so easily?

          1. Shawn says:

            I haven’t given up easily. I’m just really, really tired of trying. It’s exhausting having feelings, and having a wife that’s uninterested. She has no desire for it at all. She will take care of my needs of I ask, but what’s the point? It’s kind of like being an unwanted dog. I’m not into pity sex. It would be nice to be desired, and with out that, I’d just rather not at all. Hence the predicament I’m in. At this point I could care less if the devil tricked me into not having it. That’s not a sin is it? Also her not desiring it isn’t a sin either if she’s willing right? So is there a sin involved? Confused…

  9. Shawn says:

    I’ve asked God repeatedly to take away my desire for sex. I don’t see the sun in it, and my wife isn’t doing it on purpose. She has lost her drive due to early menopause. It is what it is, just waiting for God to take it away.

  10. Cee says:

    I totally agree with what Shawn says. It is extremely difficult to live with a spouse who does not share the same interest in sexual intimacy as you do. Worst if you are a Christian. You can’t go outside of the marriage because its sinful. You’ve prayed tried being as gentle as you can to your partner but to no avail. As a woman whose husband suffers with ED and who he would rather not talk about or see a doctor about the situation it is very hard. I would say it is better to pray that God would take your sexual desire away so you can maintain some peace in the home. I know he would be elated the day that happens. Enough of it!! already I say.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      The problem I have with it is that it sounds like you’re praying for God to make it easy to give up.

  11. Shawn says:

    I have pretty much done just that. I’ve given up.

  12. Steve says:

    God had blessed me with a wife I never found sexual attractive. She is the complete opposite of what I wanted and needed for my life. Now I life in a sexless marriage, because I can’t stand her body and I’m newlywed. The best thing is, that I can’t leave because it is sin. What a mercy and grace. I’m frustrated and disappointed.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Sounds like theirs a lot going on here beyond just the lack of attraction.

      But, to respond to that point: attraction isn’t a static thing. Just because you haven’t been attracted to her in the past doesn’t mean you have to continue being unattracted. Grow your relationship and I bet attraction will follow.

      Also, I find that what we want is usually polar opposite of what we need in our life. There’s a good chance she’s exactly what you need.

  13. John says:

    If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to loose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right arm causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to loose one part of your body then for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Matthew 5:29-30

  14. Joe Sallatio says:

    This article is total baloney. The new testament even suggests that a sexless life is preferred. That is one of many contradictions: we are supposed to be fruitful and multiply but we are supposed to stay unmarried. If fornication is out, then I guess the bible contradicts itself. No surprise though since christianity is built on worshipping the bastard son of a woman raped by god! God hates sex and absolutely does not want us to have children. I know from first hand experience. It ought to be a sin for evil people to spread such lies as told in this article.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      The new testament even suggests that a sexless life is preferred.

      Where do you see that?

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