I got this question last night:
On my wedding night I lost my virginity to my husband. I went on my honeymoon the following week and my husband attempted to have sex once and it lasted like a couple mins because it hurt me . A month later we attempted a couple times but he would get frustrated that it still hurt me and he would try for a few min as he was hard and than it would go down and he would just walk away from me without trying more. I found journal entries that he had kept about being addicted to masturbating in the past.. I have never caught him masturbating but we were hardly having sex and that worries me when I would approach him he would say I don’t have sex with you cause it hurts you. As newlyweds we barely had sex and I found that weird. I ended up leaving him after 5 months of marriage because I was really scared he had issues and he would not address them. What do you think the actual problem is?
The actual problem? I think the actual problem is that you didn’t communicate enough. I may be wrong, I mean, I’m guessing based on a paragraph, but typically I find couples who have problems like these, the real issue is a lack of communication. You didn’t mention anything about discussing how to make it better, talking about options, talking to a doctor, nothing. So, that’s what I think the “actual” problem is.
However, I have a feeling what you’re wanting to ask is why does sex hurt. And that can be from a number of reasons.
Lack of lubrication
The most likely is a lack of lubrication. Often new brides go on birth control pills, which can cause a lack of lubrication. So can anxiety and fear. So can a lack of foreplay. Whatever the reason, if you don’t have enough lubrication, then things are not going to be pleasant. It’s going to hurt.
Inability to relax
Along with lubrication, it’s also good to be relaxed. Of course, first time sex can be a difficult time to relax. So, next time you try (assuming there is a next time), maybe ask for a massage first. Use coconut oil, and have him massage EVERYWHERE. That might help with both the relaxation and the lubrication.
Note: There’s no hard evidence that I’ve seen about whether coconut oil will degrade condoms or won’t, so be aware of that if you are using condoms.
Going too fast
Often both of these (lack of lubrication and inability to relax) are caused by going too fast. Take it slow. Start with a massage, like I said, move on to foreplay, then sex. If you just jump to sex, many wives will not be happy campers. Firstly, because it’s going to hurt, but also because women tend to take longer to orgasm, so just jumping into sex is a recipe for a huge orgasm gap.
Scar tissue, unbreakable hymen and other medical problems
And of course, there’s always the outside chance of needing medical intervention. Sometimes there is scar tissue that causes pain, because scar tissue doesn’t stretch like ordinary tissue. Also, sometimes women have a hymen that’s stronger than “normal”, and needs to be cut by a doctor. There’s also conditions like vaginismus, which I’m afraid I know very little about, that cause a lot of pain during sex. All of these need to be discussed with a qualified medical doctor.
The masturbation problem
And then we have the prior masturbation addiction, which again, is something that should be discussed. But, it would not surprise me in the least that a failed sexual life with his wife made it easy to fall back into old habits and pick up his masturbation addiction again. Just because you never caught him doesn’t mean he wasn’t doing it. There are many many husbands who are never caught despite decades of being addicted.
So, what do you do?
You said you left him. But, I’m not sure if you mean separation, or divorce. In either case, if you want a successful marriage, you’re going to learn to communicate more and more effectively. Talk about sex, talk about how it’s bothering you, talk about solutions and options, and talk to a doctor if necessary. In short: start talking.
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