Here’s a question I received through our Have A Question page a while back (I have a bit of a backlog).
Are some men just not as visual as others? My husband doesn’t seem that affected by my physical appearance, and I am a petite size 0. He seems to mainly be aroused by touch. I have sent boudoir photos to him before, and got little to no response… And times we have been in the shower together, out of convenience and not for a sexual encounter, he does not get physically aroused. He has never asked to see me nude or to wear lingerie… And we have often had sex half dressed. Is this normal?
When I read this, I remembered a comment a wife made on my blog somewhere. I’m not sure if it was on a post, or in a survey, or what. I think I said something about how men are generally more visual. She responded “Hey, I’m visually turned on too” or something to that effect.
My point is, we have to frame almost every statement as “generally” when talking about gender differences. Men generally are more visual. Not all. Your husband, while not “average” in this, is perfectly normal. There are many different things individuals find attractive. Let’s look at a few.
Things that people are attracted to visually can be all sorts of things. We’ve seen throughout history that some things are static. Symmetry, for example, is generally considered attractive). Some are cultural based. In some cultures, overweight people were considered more attractive because it meant they had enough food to eat. In our culture, the opposite seems to be true for many people. Yet, there are still variations within our culture as well.
And it’s not just fitness. It could be hair or eye colour or being well dressed, whatever that means to you. I often see the advice that women shouldn’t wear jogging or yoga pants in front of their spouse because it’s unattractive. Not to me! I love my wife in yoga pants.
For some, sounds are more attractive. It could be the pitch of the voice or the tempo of their speech. It could be the size of their vocabulary, or perhaps you prefer more common speech.
And then, of course, are those noises we make in the bedroom during sex. If you’re struggling with those, check out this resource:
If you remember your grade school science, taste and smell are actually the same sense. They’re just chemical receptors applied in different ways. MaBeck mentioned in the comments:
I tell you what, I’m more attracted to smells and sounds personally than just the physical appearance! If my husband puts on cologne, it’s a huge turn on for me! A fresh shower, cologne, and I’m in!
And, as the reader who asked the question said, some people are turned on more by touch. It doesn’t even necessarily need to be sexual touch. I’ve heard from many women that all sorts of touch turn them on:
- Having their hair touched, played with or combed (I explain this a bit in this post)
- Feet or calves rubbed
- Back massage
- Or even obviously sexual touches
Your husband is an individual, just as you are. We all are. While we tend to fall into some basic guidelines, you’ll rarely find someone who fits every stereotype. And that’s okay.
As for having sex half dressed, yeah, I think that’s pretty normal. I think often the reasons are different, though. I think a lot of people keep clothes on because of body image issues. But, let’s ask everyone. So, what about you, do you have sex naked, semi-clothed in lingerie, or what?