Today we have a question from a reader asking about using a vibrator in bed next to her husband after sex (when he’s fallen asleep):
Hi JD, do you think it’s okay for me to use a vibrator to orgasm next to hubby after he has fallen asleep after sex? He does give me orgasms during sex a lot of the time. Sometimes he’s finished and I’m content not to have an O so I will just go to sleep. But sometimes I’m all worked up and he’s finished, but I want to O too! I’m not sure if I should suck it up and wait until next time or if I should wake hubby enough to ask if it’s okay? Or just do it! I’m not sure if this is solo sex (not a good idea) or if I’m sharing it with him. I feel like I’m sharing with him, but he’s fallen asleep so doesn’t know! Should I tell him in the morning? I have told hubby before that I would find it really hot to wake up to him masturbating next to me in bed, but that he should make sure to wake me so that I can enjoy him doing it. I don’t want him masturbating alone.
Now, of course my readers love/hate it when I discuss masturbation. It’s a topic with a lot of contention in Christianity. I have a feeling this particular question is going to stir the pot up again because of the proximity of the spouses. Nevertheless, I’ll share my perspective and then you are welcome to debate it in the comments.
1. Sex should be a shared experience between husband and wife
Those of you who follow this blog know I’m all for sex in it’s many various forms, so long as it’s a shared experience between husband and wife, and no one else.
Can I point to a Bible verse that says that explicitly? No. But, I do believe it’s in keeping with the spirit of scripture.
2. Sex should be about sharing and giving
I think we get into trouble when sex becomes about us as an individual. Sex should be about sharing who we are, knowing our spouse on an intimate level and sharing that experience together.
That’s why, in my opinion, solo masturbation is not okay. It’s ultimately a selfish act, focused on my needs and desires without sharing them with my spouse. It’s not that it’s a sin to touch yourself, it’s that you’re doing it for selfish reasons. Want to masturbate together, go for it.
What should she do?
I say talk about it with your husband sometime when you’re not in bed, not right after sex. Often I suggest talks after sex when oxytocin is high, but the timing is just wrong for this particular conversation. Chances are he’ll love that you express sexual desire and a need. It’s not bad to have needs and to want them met, in fact, I think it’s good to share those and invite your spouse to meet them.
Secondly, you can’t really hold him to a double standard. You said that you don’t really want him masturbating alone, and I completely understand that. I think you’re right to not want him to. But then you should live by that same standard. Don’t masturbate alone. Wake him up and invite him to share in the experience!
Readers, what do you think? Let us know in the comments below.
P.S. If you have a question of your own, you can ask it anonymously here, or vote for what question you’d like answered next.
37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex
Subscribe to get the 2 page PDF full of questions to help you and your spouse start to talk about your sex life.