Today we have a question from a reader asking about using a vibrator in bed next to her husband after sex (when he’s fallen asleep):
Hi JD, do you think it’s okay for me to use a vibrator to orgasm next to hubby after he has fallen asleep after sex? He does give me orgasms during sex a lot of the time. Sometimes he’s finished and I’m content not to have an O so I will just go to sleep. But sometimes I’m all worked up and he’s finished, but I want to O too! I’m not sure if I should suck it up and wait until next time or if I should wake hubby enough to ask if it’s okay? Or just do it! I’m not sure if this is solo sex (not a good idea) or if I’m sharing it with him. I feel like I’m sharing with him, but he’s fallen asleep so doesn’t know! Should I tell him in the morning? I have told hubby before that I would find it really hot to wake up to him masturbating next to me in bed, but that he should make sure to wake me so that I can enjoy him doing it. I don’t want him masturbating alone.
Now, of course my readers love/hate it when I discuss masturbation. It’s a topic with a lot of contention in Christianity. I have a feeling this particular question is going to stir the pot up again because of the proximity of the spouses. Nevertheless, I’ll share my perspective and then you are welcome to debate it in the comments.
1. Sex should be a shared experience between husband and wife
Those of you who follow this blog know I’m all for sex in it’s many various forms, so long as it’s a shared experience between husband and wife, and no one else.
Can I point to a Bible verse that says that explicitly? No. But, I do believe it’s in keeping with the spirit of scripture.
2. Sex should be about sharing and giving
I think we get into trouble when sex becomes about us as an individual. Sex should be about sharing who we are, knowing our spouse on an intimate level and sharing that experience together.
That’s why, in my opinion, solo masturbation is not okay. It’s ultimately a selfish act, focused on my needs and desires without sharing them with my spouse. It’s not that it’s a sin to touch yourself, it’s that you’re doing it for selfish reasons. Want to masturbate together, go for it.
What should she do?
I say talk about it with your husband sometime when you’re not in bed, not right after sex. Often I suggest talks after sex when oxytocin is high, but the timing is just wrong for this particular conversation. Chances are he’ll love that you express sexual desire and a need. It’s not bad to have needs and to want them met, in fact, I think it’s good to share those and invite your spouse to meet them.
Secondly, you can’t really hold him to a double standard. You said that you don’t really want him masturbating alone, and I completely understand that. I think you’re right to not want him to. But then you should live by that same standard. Don’t masturbate alone. Wake him up and invite him to share in the experience!
Readers, what do you think? Let us know in the comments below.
P.S. If you have a question of your own, you can ask it anonymously here, or vote for what question you’d like answered next.
54 thoughts on “Is it okay to masturbate next to my spouse if they’re asleep?”
I have a lot opinions on this one because I have been hereand lived this and done this. For me, masterbating next to my spouse had the added benefit of me crying myself to sleep because I couldn’t figure out why my spouse didn’t care enough about me to meet my sexual needs.
I believe that Jay Dee did a good job answering your question and addressing the issue and hand but one thing he didn’t point out is the fundemental problem here – the ‘selfish husband problem.’
I’ve also faced this and it led to some very awkward but important conversations. For instance, I needed more sex than I was presently having. Additionally, we made the agreement that Everytime we have sex I get an orgasm – no exceptions. This means that sometimes we cannot have ‘quicky’ sex because there isnt enough time for both of us to orgasm – sex is then rescheduled to when we have more time like we don’t have an event to go to immediately or something like that.
I think this type of husband behavior is fueled by the idea that men have sex to orgasm whereas women have sex to feel close and connected to their spouses. Sure, the connection is nice and important but so is the orgasm. In fact, I told my husband that I would be will to NOT have an orgasm everytime we have sex if he would also do the same. In practical terms, this would look like us being in the middle of sex when I decide I want to run errands and sex stops, we get our clothes on and go to run errands and neither one of us has an orgasm. Needless to say, sex without an orgasm sounded terrible to my husband so we agreed that we both should have orgasms then.
I hope this helps but I encourage you to very directly and straightforwardly address this issue because in my experience it only gets worse. Also, be encouraged that your sexual needs are JUST AS IMPORTANT as your husbands needs so keep that in mind as you have these difficult conversations! Blessings to you, sister in Christ
I understand what you’re saying, but I can’t say that I totally agree with you. If it works for you then great, but every couple is different. My wife doesn’t reach orgasm during intercourse and never has, so when she’s in the mood to have one, I always make sure she’s taken care of before going for my own. I say when she’s in the mood, because she generally does not have the desire to orgasm every time we have sex. She has reassured me many times that she enjoys having sex just as often as I do, but that she just doesn’t always need to have an orgasm to enjoy it. As a man, I guess I’ll never quite understand that, I cannot imagine having sex without an orgasm. But if she’s happy having sex several times a week and only having an orgasm maybe once a week, than who am I to complain.
So, for us to agree that she has an orgasm every time we have sex means one of two things. Either she is obligated to have an orgasm even though she may not be in the mood to have one, or we only have sex when she’s in the mood to have an orgasm. Neither option sounds all that great to me.
I think the key is putting each other’s needs and desires ahead of our own. After 20 plus years of marriage, I pretty much know when my wife is getting ready for an orgasm. And I make sure that her needs are met. And if I don’t pick up on it right away, she’s not afraid to let me know what she wants. She’s also not afraid of leading me to the bedroom for a “quicky” 10 minutes before the kids get home from school, fully aware that there’s not enough time for her to have an orgasm. That’s just one example of her putting my needs ahead of her own, knowing that I will do the same for her as soon as there’s an opportunity.
In my opinion, it would really help if you and your spouse agree ahead of time that you are both going to stay awake and stick around until the wife orgasms. Having that communication ahead of time really helps both understand the expectations. If your spouse knows that if they finish before you, that they need to take care of you afterwards, it will help them stay focused. I actually suggest that whoever has the hardest time orgasming, should get one first. Then the other person can have theirs. It’s not too often that you orgasm at the same time.
I was planning to suggest the same thing. An added benefit is that some women have an easier time orgasming again after they’ve already had one.
I am coming to learn that talking about sex with your spouse is very important. I hesitated to talk and it needed not to be so. Once I found my wife open to conversations about our sexual intimacy, the more and better sex became.
I would never fall asleep if my wife’s sexual needs were not met. Period. We have an unspoken rule that we both orgasm during intimacy. In 17 years of marriage, this rule has been broken zero times. That said, we both masturbate, solo and together, and I have no issue at all with my wife pleasuring herself. But if it’s to compensate for something she’s not getting from me, then I do have a problem with that (and vice versa). I have always believed masturbation is not a replacement for sex. It is something all to its own and this is why we both engage in it and it’s all OK.
I have encouraged Heather to masturbate any time, any where. I did so because she has been so sexually repressed for so long I want her to know her body and know what feels good. She’s done it a few times but repression is a powerful trick.
Why does it have to be alone? Why not share that experience? Feels like to compensate for being too far repressed, you overshot and went too far towards self-indulgence when there was a perfectly good middle ground of a shared sexual experience.
I believe we can point to verses in the Bible that is explicit enough and on context along with keeping with the spirit of scripture. In 1 Corinthians chapter 7, Paul is writing to address the topic of sexual relations and sexual immorality. If you read chapter 7:1-5 it sums it up for you enough to know that any act outside of marriage ( two become one flesh/you are one person together in all things, including sexual acts) that it is sinful, self-driven and not “one” or the two becoming and being continuously, in the area of sexual acts ” one flesh”. I do know One flesh is not just meaning sex, it is for all things and areas in and out of one another every day. But for this particular scripture in context it is speaking of sexual relations and immorality. Verse 5 speaks of not depriving one another of this, and if you do let it be only for limited time and in unity of agreement with each other, and then lastly to quickly come back together (sex with each other) so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Just because it doesn’t say, ” do not masturbate”, does not mean you cannot see the truth in these very verses that are against and call it sexually immoral and selfish if there is any sexual relations or acts outside of the “one flesh” union sexually. Meaning your body is not yours it’s first God’s then your spouse’s. Also meaning that any type of sex outside of the one on one, husband and wife together sexual acts are sexually immoral and selfish.
Thank you for the support 🙂
I was just about to write that I masturbate to not annoy my wife. Our sex life is much determined by her so to not annoy her I masturbate. It’s a way to just stop this annoying itch called sexuality. I never initiate and Lately I’ve been kind of sad and tired and to have sex is so much work with very little result so that’s why I masturbate. I mean its better than buying sex from some whore. And as Paul says we don’t have self-control. At the same time I guess you are right. *sigh* I wish humans could be castrated. I would have loved to not have a sex drive.
Why the option always masturbation or adultery? What happened to self-control? Will we fail sometimes? Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean we should accept the failing. Paul Didn’t say “I do what I don’t want to do, so I give up and am just going to keep doing it.”
Instead he wrote verses like:
You cannot use sin to avoid another sin. It’s fruitless. You’ve gained nothing.
As for God taking away your sex drive, I don’t believe He’d ever do that. That would be intentionally damaging you and removing an opportunity to learn self-control. I don’t think He’d do that to someone.
The opportunity to learn self-control, but also the opportunity to learn to love one another and work together to create a fulfilling, even if not perfect, marriage and relationship.
Been there, done that. Pretty depressing masturbating next to my beautiful sex denying wife. Wish she would join in, but she finds the idea distasteful.
As a teen I prayed that God would take away my sex drive. It did not happen, but I know how you feel.
Please stop with the masturbation about Masturbation. *Masturbation is fine.* Please stop trying to control what others do with their bodies. My spouse is welcome to masturbate next to me, asleep or otherwise all she would like. And if she would like to wake me for participation or to not need to, that is welcome as well.
You’re welcome to stop reading them. But as many times as I’ve written about it, people keep asking my opinion. So, I’m going to keep answering.
This thought has haunted me since we went through a time of sexlessness and sexual denial (hubby would get to orgasm, but he wouldn’t let me orgasm or give me an orgasm…you think not having sex at all us tough on the drive and temptation. Imagine getting to have sex but never being allowed to orgasm!):
The Bible says that when we are married our focus is on our spouse. But when single our focus is on God. One thing spouses in sexless marriages say is that they don’t feel married, they feel like roommates. If your spouses refuses to act married and have sex with you, they have essentially “divorced” you and you are living like a single person with an unrequited roommate. Thus, be like single people and exercise self control and focusing on God.
Imagine if every time your urge hits, instead of heading for the shower or the computer screen you got on your knees and prayed, instead.
Also, I went through a time where God asked me not to initiate, but later He asked me to initiate but to trust Him even in the rejection. The whole, “I stopped asking,” isn’t a healthy dynamic unless it is a God-directed fast.
Now, I am going to be open and say that I struggle with masturbating, and I am not entirely convinced it is all wrong. But, I do think it is way overused and excused in marriages.
Yeah that is true too. I guess it is because sex is such a strong force. I would love not to care about sex. So when all stress, anxiety and pressure from life comes its easy to just take that path. @libl said something about instead taking time to pray but what if you dont feel it helps. I guess that its easier for those who have a healthy christian life, who dont struglle with anxiety/depression/low self-esteem and a bunch of other stuff. Do i wish i could stop thinking about sex and stop masturbating, of course. Its not like i do it because i like it but because its the only thing i feel calms me. I constantly feel guilty for not being good enough, not being “Christian enough”, i constantly feel i suck at everything in life because im a big loser and i constantly regret being married and so on. So i guess masturbation becomes away to just get calm. Do i wish i could get calm with my wife? Sure but it aint her job to make me happy and if she isnt in the mood for sex i cant force her. So thats why i think. As i said, if there was a pill that could release the dopamine that an orgasm could(without it being a dangerous drug) i would love to take that instead of masturbating. But after reading this i have to work on myself. Faith not deeds but i dont seem to have faith enough,
I do struggle with depression, anxiety, low self esteem, codependency, social anxiety, introversion, and inflammation. Those who are well do not need a physician. Jesus came for the lost, the hurting, the struggling. It isn’t about whether or not prayer helps or fixes things. It is about Jesus Christ!
When God told me to fast from initiating for a time, I had to trust in Him even if it meant a sexless marriage.
Sometimes submission means getting down and out of the way so God can deliver the blow to your spouse.
Sex is a strong force, but not stronger than God.
Yes I understand it is about Jesus Christ and now that I am married I understand Paul’s word about marriage, it really makes it hard being only about Jesus Christ. But I understand your point about submitting to God. I need to learn to fear Him more so that i submit even when i feel masturbation is the only thing that will calm me down. I have tried to live perfect before but it only got me where I am now. Tired of hearing all I have to do and even so tired of hearing about hell and how I’m going there that I doknt care anymore. I think one result of me finding relief in masturbation is that I only feel condemnation with God and only feel pressure all the time. Something has to be done all the time. I’m
Never fine, I’m never good enough, I never love God enough, I never fear Him enough. And in my life I never succeed enough so then masturbation becomes my moment of peace before it all starts over. But I must learn to fear and love again.
That’s sort of the point of Christianity though: that we’ll never be perfect enough. So, stop trying and just start doing it. Yep, you’ll fail. We all do. Just keep trying, not because we can be perfect, but because we are thankful to God for what He’s done and want to show our appreciation.
A fear of hell won’t get you into heaven. That’s not how it works. That’s not enough.
Wonderful comment, I agree. Masturbation is something my husband didn’t understand and was offended by it but then learnt it wasn’t that he was doing something wrong it was just something I enjoyed then it became something we enjoyed together but then he learnt from me and now does it to me so well that I don’t need to do it myself any more and actually prefer him doing it, which makes him feel good. We’ve had our rough patches sexually but we are now in a place of mutual agreement and whereas we always enjoyed each other now we both make sure the other is completely satisfied by the time we finish. We found scheduled sex worked well for us in restoring our love life.
I wish I never had to masturbate. My wife refuses me often and never allows me sex more than twice a week. I want to be with her every time I need sex and I want to giver her pleasure. She refuses to receive pleasure and often refuses me. Then I resort to masturbation and beg Jesus to forgive me.
I hear you!! I used to be the same way. Fortunately my wife no longer refuses me. We now have a great sex life and I no longer have to beg for forgiveness. That used to be a bummer. There is always hope, talk to your wife.
Convos about sex, sexual expectations, desires and even fantasies with your spouse help build intimacy! Don’t be shy. It may be awkward at first, but when you gain confidence and language, it can really keep the sparks flying!
Jay Dee, how would you square this opinion with the negative affects yours creates? Go talk with old guys in retirement homes.
Or don’t you actually know what your opinion creates… you just have an opinion…..
I’ve always suspected this to be the case! Anti masturbation messages are just as harmful as abstinence based messages.
Please, everyone… feel free to masturabate!
I’ll likely keep reading you, but I will also keep offering my opinion on your opinions when I think they are harmful.
Firstly, the study was on ejaculation, not masturbation. Go have sex with your wife. Not having sex? Fix your marriage, because a healthy marriage is also positively correlated to lower risk of cancer.
Secondly, you should read the study rather than rely on a shock-value piece from a media outlet. The study set out to prove ejaculation lowers the hazard ratio of prostate cancer, and went with the data that supported it, unlike this study which was unbiased and concluded “Our results suggest that ejaculation frequency is not related to increased risk of prostrate cancer”. However, if you look at the data itself in the study your news piece references, you see they left out some information:
Their benchmark was 4-7 EPM (ejaculations per month). That was their 1.00 hazard ratio benchmark.
At 0-3 EPM the risk lowered to 0.91 – a 9% drop in risk
At 8-12 EPM the risk lowered to 0.93 – a 7% drop in risk
At 13-20 EPM the risk lowered to .81 – at 19% drop in risk
Above 21 EPM the risk starts going up again.
So, if you are celibate, your risk of prostate cancer is less than if you are ejaculating 2-3 times per week.
If you’re serious about staying healthy, then the best bet is to fix your marriage, have sex more than 3 and less than 5 times per week, go vegan, cut out alcohol. That will give you best bet for survival.
What if your not married? what if your wife is unable? what if you have a good marriage and your wife is uninterested? What if you just like it?
My point is mastrubation is a good part of a healthy sexual life. Not something that is unavailable, lesser, forbidden, etc.
In response to the single, marriage, whatever: Why masturbation is a problem, whether you’re married or single
Now, that you like it, that I believe is the most truthful reason you’ve given yet. It’s the same answer I get from people about porn, threesomes, swinging, etc..
But, “I like it” is not a valid reason to a moral question.
Single, or married, masturbation teaches you to be selfish and to be self-focused when it comes to sexuality. It bypasses self-control and avoids conflicts that need to be worked through. The only redeeming quality is that “it feels good”, but like so many things in this world, “it feels good” is not a good enough reason.
I can understand. My wife is a CSA survivor. It’s really hard for her to realize she is a sexual being and masturbation is a common step to healing.
It will be great if we could do this together but it feels really akward for her to do it alone, so doing it with me is just not possible for her. It will be the following step.
Grace upon grace… Until we become perfect.
I have read that God created sex for *marriage* (& family), and He created *marriage* to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church (*love* – devoted, passionate, sacrificial.) It would follow that sex, while a very powerful drive, was not designed to be an end in itself. Like peace and joy, a good sex life is a by-product of other choices, like building a good overall relationship with one’s spouse (and with God.) Intimacy requires opening one’s heart, awareness, gentleness and willingness to learn and communicate. (Of course, accumulated hurt can tempt us to have an unloving attitude, but that only makes things worse.) Reassurance, tenderness, affirmation, mutuality and clear (gentle, not entitled, blaming or demeaning) communication regarding desires and intention to build a fulfilling marriage help a good-willed wife to be receptive and responsive. Scripture indicates marriage is supposed to be loving. We are supposed to be intoxicated with love and desire for our spouse and be satisfied by them and caring for their satisfaction also. I wouldn’t condemn anyone for a solo release in (hopefully rare) extenuating circumstances. But if a spouse goes solo to deprive or “punish” the other, or just being selfish, or to avoid opening the heart to the spouse, there may be a root of bitterness and possibly hatred. If there is no love in a person’s heart for their own spouse, they probably need to pray and self-reflect about if their heart is right with God. 1 John 1:8. 1 Cor 13:4-7. (This topic brings a whole new angle to these verses… And 1 Cor 13:4-7 practiced in the bedroom could be ahhhhmazing!) Blessings to all.
This was so good to read . My husband and I have only been married a year and we have a 5 month old who is our honey moon baby . Ever since we got married it was like his attraction for me faded and even more as soon as he found out I was pregnant , he barely touched me when i was pregnant and i let it be since i kept gettinf told its a guy thing and they dont want to hurt the baby even though it really hurt me i let it be Now it’s been 5 months since I gave birth and I can count how many times I’ve had sex with my husband in the past year and some months . I’ve told him so many times how I feel like he is being selfish and masturbating with out me or how he doesn’t want to have sex with me and how I have needs also . But still nothing I’m not sure what to do anymore . We had sex about a month ago and that was because I wanted it but it’s been a month since then and it’s because I haven’t bothered him about having sex anymore so I just feel like he doesn’t want me and I just really don’t know what to do. It’s been a so long and I love my husband he is a good man and great father but I have needs and I can’t help the way i feel now . I feel like I want the attention of just someone now .
It is really important to let your partner know about that situation. It is a share experience, wake him up and let him help you get your orgasm.
You are off base and spreading harmful ideas about masturbation, I implore you to stop preaching anti-masturbation. Like eating, it is complicated. Fine as intended; can be done as a form of self harm; and as a way to not mature. But in and of itself, it is healthy and fine. Please write about the troublesome spots, but in general it is unhealthy to not be curious about and understand and enjoy your on body and sexual response.
It’s not like food, it’s like worship, and what you’re suggesting is like saying worship without God is okay. But it’s not, it’s just self-worship then.
A study published in the British Medical Journal tracked the mortality of 1,000 middle-age men over the course of a decade and concluded that regularity of orgasms may have a protective effect on middle-age health. By comparing men according to age and health, researchers found that men who had the highest frequency of orgasms had a death rate 50-percent lower than men who did not ejaculate frequently.
Right, but that may not be causitive. I think it’s far more likely that healthy marriages improve life expectancy. They would also result in more orgasms. Unfortunately, we don’t have access to the actual data. However, other studies have shown that zero orgasms have nearly the same health improvements are high frequency. So, the options for optimal health seem to be celibacy as a single, or a healthy marriage with lots of sex.
Wow, Jay Dee, that is profound and powerful. Thank you for words that illuminate the enormous significance and value (and greater purpose) of our sexuality! I too believe it is Much more than a “bodily function,” and can find it pretty discouraging trying to articulate this at times.
My question is if he does give you orgasms some of the time, but other times he’s done and your not as you put it, which I’m taking it to mean he has already orgasmed thus he can’t continue penetration, why don’t you ask him to go down you or relieve you by hand afterward or have him use the vibrator on you. Different things can effect how long a man can last during actual intercourse such as if he is tired or if it has been awhile and he simply cannot hold out as long, but that doesn’t mean he still can’t make you orgasm. Have you even asked him too? He may not know it’s an issue. If he does than he is very selfish, and frankly then I would use the vibrator, but that is probably not a very christian attitude. I know I’ve personally experience that my self many time. While my most powerful orgasms are during intercourse I actually only do that about 30% of the time so if I am not satisfied afterward my husband always offers to finish me off another way. I would think that would be the obvious solution.
Love this response!!
While all these are great ideas, I try to help her first and then me. But if that’s difficult to do, then I would not mind. In fact, if I heard my wife moaning next to me, I would get turned on again. Just my two cents
LOL, damn straight!
Jaydee what if one spouse works late and the other spouse starts teasing and masturbating while talking to the other spouse at same time in hopes of having the mood set when they are together later that evening ? Curious to your thoughts on this
“while talking to the other spouse at the same time” to me says it’s a shared experience. I wouldn’t see any issues with that.
In my relationship, sex isn’t complete until both of us have come. I don’t even comprehend this guy…3/4 of the joy of sex is bringing the other to orgasm. If the husband is rolling over and going to sleep before his wife has finished, she needs to pinch his rear and tell him to finish what he started, other wise he’s just being a jerk.
Husband should be taking care of her needs. She shouldn’t ever have to do it alone. So even if he is finished complete her as well. Thos needs to be communicated to him. If he refuses then he is just a jerk.
Most men enjoy watching so wake him up.
As a teenager in the 70s, I remember somehow knowing that married men in their 50s started masturbating again. I didn’t know why and didn’t give it any thought. But boy, I sure learned why in our 25th year of marriage. It was a rude wakeup call when my wife went through her 6 year perimenopause!.After 25 years of at least daily sex, it was a horrific time adjusting to my wife no longer wanting, needing, or even having the ability to have sex. She was in such horrific pain sometimes for 6 weeks straight. Thankfully, I grew up knowing that masturbating was important for a young man, so we decided I would do it. But I had to have my wife right beside me with her participating if she was able. Now in our 40th year of marriage, that perimenopausal time really helped us prepare for old-people aches and pains. With my sex drive still at 4-5 times per week and my wife 2 per month at most, just the fact that she wants to be with me when she doesn’t have the urge and can’t due to pain makes me feel so close to her and so satisfied. God really did created my wife so perfect for me! I’m so grateful to Him.
Wife had a total hysterectomy some 20 years ago. Soon after she’s had absolutely no desire and adamantly refuses that I even touch her. She always make sure that I can’t see any part of her body since. And she’ll act in disgust should I decide to masturbate in front of her, and she’ll have zero part in helping in any manner. She is 69, I am 66 and feel as if I’m going through another sexual peek (duh!) I’m very much turned on by her as she is still very pretty, loving it when she walks around braless after waking in the morning and before going to bed. I refuse to look anywhere else for satisfaction so masturbating is my only release. I think she should be a little more considerate and help every once in a while, but that hasn’t happened in these last 20 years so I don’t think it will happen anytime soon. So my question(s) is – Do I have to sneak masturbate? Don’t get me wrong, I really love being horny for her, but it truly cums to a point that some kind of release is necessary. What’s a guy to do???
Necessary? No. Desirable – yes.
Have you ever had a conversation with her about how she can reconcile loving you as a spouse and yet completely cutting you off from sexual intimacy?
Well Jay Dee – It’s a taboo subject. I can understand how and why she lost the desire and I wouldn’t want to just use her body for my own pleasure, knowing that she feels nothing. It’s obvious that she’s not sympathetic to my needs. Love and sex are not necessarily intertwined. I guess after 43 years of marriage I’m afraid to hear her say “Who said I gotta love you, what law is there that says I gotta love you.” And since infidelity is not an option, I’ll just have to continue to let the right hand know what the left is doing, or should I ask if she has a friend?
Yeah, it’s definitely an awkward thing to bring up, but right now it sounds like you’re doing a lot of “mindreading” rather than communicating.
Also, on the “what law is there that says I gotta love you” – if she’s Christian, we have a great many verses that say so, which should be more compelling than any law.
But I would not jump to asking if she has a “friend” – I’m not sure if you meant that to suggest she’s having an affair or meant to suggest a friend of hers could help you with your sexual needs, but either way – not something I’d go with to start (I wouldn’t ask at all in the latter case).
But I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have a conversation about what she sees is the purpose of marriage and how she believes unilaterally deciding sex is no longer a part of your relationship coincides with whatever her views are.