How do I introduce new activities into our married sex life?

Jay Dee

How do I introduce new activities into our married sex life?

Mar 08, 2016

I received this question yesterday from our anonymous Have A Question page: My wife and I have been married for over 20 years.  I tried to give her oral sex once when we were first married and she stopped me before I could actually preform

Anonymous Question

I received this question yesterday from our anonymous Have A Question page:

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years.  I tried to give her oral sex once when we were first married and she stopped me before I could actually preform the act.  This is something I would love to do for her but after that I was so embarrassed I have never brought it up again.  How do I try again after 20 years?  How can I make her feel comfortable?  We shower before we have sex almost every time so being clean is not her issue.  How can I proceed?

Many new wives reject oral sex the first time, and it’s not surprising, because many of them (perhaps even most of them) grow up with this idea that their genitals are dirty, that they shouldn’t be touched, and are either explicitly taught that oral sex is wrong, or this teaching that their sexual organs are dirty leads them to the inevitable belief that they shouldn’t be kissed.

So, it doesn’t surprise me at all that your wife (20 years ago) stopped you.  Depending on how she’s grown in her beliefs about sex, her mindset might have changed dramatically from then.  But still, it’s been 20 years.  That’s a long time to be courting this feeling of embarrassment.  No easy thing to get over for you.  On the other hand, at least you didn’t hound her about it, causing her to build up a habit of saying “no” to your advances.

How do you proceed?  Well, it depends on the wife.  Of course, these can just as easily be applied to husbands, though a husband who will reject oral sex is a much smaller percentage of the population.  But, for the purpose of this post, I’ll be writing about wives, just because that’s what the question was about, and it’s easier to keep my gender pronouns straight when I have one to work with.  Making things gender neutral can be quite difficult, and honestly, I’m too tired this morning to attempt it.

Some wives need to be acclimatized

I’m going to get in trouble for this one, but it’s a bit like breaking a horse.  Of course, that metaphor won’t mean as much to many in our culture, so let me explain.  When breaking a new horse (which is the process of getting a horse ready for riding), my understanding is that you go very slowly.  I’ve never done this, but I’ve read of the process a few times.  I might have my steps mixed up, but the concept is solid.  First, you simply walk up to the horse and pet it.  The next day you might place you hand on it’s back, where it can’t see you, and keep doing that until it’s comfortable.  The next you’d put a blanket on it’s back, until it grows comfortable with that.  Another day you would place a saddle on it, undone, just so it gets used to the weight.  When it gets used to that, then tie the saddle.  And so on, until the saddle, bridle, reins and everything are in place.  Then, finally, you get on.  It’s a process that can take days or weeks with a stubborn horse.

Now, a wife is obviously not a horse to be “trained” in this manner, but some women respond well to these types of introductions.  Start with kisses on the mouth.  Then train down the neck.  Then to the breasts.  Then the stomach.  Then the waist.  Then restart at the feet and move up.  Basically, kiss everywhere but your target.  Let them get used to the idea, without pushing the boundary too hard.  Then one day, just, sort of in passing, place a kiss on her labia, then go back to something else.  And keep slowly proceeding like that.  It might take days, or weeks, even months (because most of us don’t have sex daily), but, if it’s not a hard boundary for her, then you might reach your goal.

Some wives need to talk about it

If you have a marriage where you can talk about sex (and if you don’t, you should work towards that), then you can start a conversation asking her what her thoughts are on oral sex.  Express your desire to perform this activity on her, and ask her thoughts.  She may need time to think about it, to process her feelings and beliefs, but if you can have an adult conversation about it, then that’s a great way to go.  Now, it may be that during your conversation you realize you need to take it very slow, in baby steps, like the method above, and that’s okay.  But, at least then you know what to expect, and she’ll be open and willing to allow it, knowing what’s coming and focusing on being receptive and relaxed.

Some wives prefer to be submissive

Lastly, and here’s another one I’ll likely get in trouble for, some wives don’t want to be responsible for it.  Or they just prefer to be lead, or they just like to be surprised.  This can be because of a lot of things.  In some cases, there is a disconnect between what they want to believe and what belief has been ingrained in them.  In some cases, the marriage has built up a trust, and they are willing to try anything their husband desires, at least once or twice (within the obvious moral boundaries).  In other cases, they simply prefer to be the submissive partner in bed, and have things done to them, or requested of them.

Those in the first case, of having a juxtaposition of belief and teaching, often they don’t want responsibility for deciding.  If you just start, they’ll accept, especially if it feels like they don’t have a choice, they just have to go along with it.  I’m not talking about forcing it on your spouse, but for some, blindfolding while trying new things can be very liberating.  They get to pretend like they aren’t giving explicit consent while still enjoying the pleasure of a new activity.  I’ve discussed this a few times in posts like my post on bondage, and about why your wife can’t tell you what she wants.

Those in the second case, of trusting their husband to make wise choices, it’s simply that.  If you have a 20 year track record of trying new things and generally improving your sexual relationship as a result, then it’s likely your wife will simply trust you yet again as you introduce another activity.

The last case, regarding sexually submissive wives, part of the excitement of sex is that feeling of being dominated (in a good way), by their husband.  For those wives, going slow might be too slow, and talking about it would ruin the effect.  But simply jumping into it would be exciting and new and very sexy.

The problem is, I can’t tell you which your wife is.  Wisdom is in knowing that for yourself.  But, I hope I’ve given enough hints that you can sort out which fits your marriage.  If you’re absolutely guessing, I would lean towards the first two, because the third … well, there’s certainly more risk there.

So, I hope that answers the question and perhaps helps some others in similar situations.

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