This question came in over a week ago from our anonymous Have A Question page:
My husband would like me to massage his prostate. There is a gross factor for me but I love him and would love to make him happy! How do I get over the gross factor? Is this common? Is this ok?
I’ve been delaying a bit, because I haven’t written about prostate play yet, or any anal play on men, really. I mean, I think we skirted the issue in our survey on anal play, but I’m not sure we’ve tackled it directly.
But, I also didn’t want to leave a question unanswered too long. Now, there are a few questions here, so let’s tackle them one by one, in reverse order.
Is prostate massage “okay”?
My opinion: yeah, it’s fine. I know that there are many Christians who will disagree with me. They’ll start pulling verses like
Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable. – Leviticus 18:22
If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. – Leviticus 20:13
or, if you want a New Testament verse:
Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error. – Romans 1:26-27
Even though they have nothing to do with the topic, these are the go-to verses when anyone does anything that even hints at anal sex. Especially when the man is doing the “receiving”. But, of course, these verses are talking about a man and a man, and so can’t really be used in this context.
The next objection is usually medical, about cleanliness, or about the anus being “an exit, not an entrance”. But, then colonoscopies and prostate exams don’t get the same admonitions. So, that doesn’t really stand up. Particularly when uttered by medical personnel.
And then there are those who will claim that any man who has an interested in anal stimulation is leaning towards homosexuality, or is in danger of becoming bisexual, or other nonsense. These just don’t make any sense, and it’s just homophobic rantings with no logic behind them whatsoever. I’m honestly not even sure how to tackle objections like that, because they have no basis in reason to discuss. But, in short, the focus is that he’s asking his wife, not another man. I mean, we don’t accuse men of being homosexual when they desire a blow job…I don’t see how this is any different. I mean that’s something many homosexual couples do as well.
So, perhaps we should ask, what is the drive for this type of play for men. Well, I discussed it already in my post on anal play, but in short, the prostate contains a lot of pleasure nerves, and you can even have an orgasm just by milking the prostate. In fact, men who have lost their ability to get an erection can still have orgasms through prostate massage. Plus, there are many nerve endings around the anus, so even without reaching the prostate, there can be pleasure involved.
Is prostate massage common?
I’m afraid I don’t have any specific stats on prostate massage. However, I do have some on anal play in general from our survey on anal sex. Here’s what I know:
66 out of 303 men surveyed, about 22%, said they have their wife penetrate them with a finger.
33 out of 156 women surveyed, about 21%, said that they penetrate their husband with a finger.
So, about one in five Christian couples are doing this. Is that considered common? Maybe not. Certainly not rare though.
How do I get over the gross factor?
I think that’s the big question. So, the first answer is cleanliness. I recent bowel movement and a shower will probably cut down on any potentially embarrassing incidents. Plus, you can always use surgical gloves.
Or, if that’s still too much for you, you can try a toy to help with the penetrating.
Lastly, there is a mechanism in the brain that shuts down objections and disgust when we get aroused. When you’re turned on, you are far more willing to push past some of your reservations. For unmarried people, this is a problem, but for us marrieds, we can use it to advantage.
If your feeling grossed out, make sure you’re good and aroused, maybe have an orgasm of your own first. Then give it a try.
And lastly, if you just can’t bring yourself to do it, then just be open and honest with your husband. Let him know you aren’t ready for that yet. Then reevaluate it in a few months or years.
I hope that helps.