Here’s another submission from our Have A Question page:
My husband and I have been married for a year and during that time I have never been able to get him to orgasm through a handjob or oral sex.
He’s the only guy I’ve ever been with sexually, but he has a very colorful past in this area before he became a Christian. I feel like a failure every time I try and can’t get him there. I wanted this to be a part of our sexual relationship, and I want to be able to give him pleasure in those ways. So I guess my question is twofold really.
How do I give a good handjob and/or blowjob? I’ve read a bunch of articles on Christian nymphos and have tried all sort of things but apparently I’ve not mastered the art.
How do I not feel discouraged in the process and not fall into the trap of comparing myself to the many woman, years of masturbation, porn use, and massage parlors that came before me?I feel like a failure and with each failure resentment about his past creeps in too. I don’t want either of these to take over. I want a good sex life and try really hard in this area. Any advice/words of wisdom appreciated!
I think first off, we have to realize that it might not be you. It might be him. I know, because he has a “colourful past”, it might seem like he’s obviously not the problem. However, what often happens with those who have a complicated sexual history, once they get married, they start to associate all those things with a sinful past, and wanting to move beyond them. We often see this happen in wives, when prior to marriage, they are all for exciting sex, and then once they get married, all that gets thrown out with the bathwater, being part of their sinful past, and now they can’t bring themselves to do anything anything but missionary, in the dark, silent as ninja’s type sex.
So, it’s possible that he has a mental block that’s stopping him from orgasming from handjobs, oral sex, or anything considered … “colourful”.
The other possibility is that it might be you. Perhaps your technique is just not perfected yet. You’ve only been married for a year, you have time to figure it out! We’ve been married nearly 15 years, and I have yet to orgasm from a hand job or oral sex (granted, oral sex wasn’t part of our activities for about half that time, but still). I have no sexual past, so I don’t know if it’s my mental block or my wife’s technique, or maybe I’m just one of those guys who can’t orgasm from those activities (by the way, about 7% of husbands in our oral sex survey say they can’t orgasm from oral sex). And you know what, in the end, it doesn’t matter. Or, at least, it matters a lot less than it used to. I know for a while it sort of bothered us both, for similar reasons as you stated above. But these days, it really doesn’t. Blow jobs that are just foreplay are still fun, so don’t worry so much about it.
Plus, a blowjob where your wife is obviously preoccupied with your past, and stressed about if she’s doing a good job or not…not sexy, and that’s not going to help you get him to orgasm. So, learn to let go, just have fun, and maybe it will come (I did not intend that crude pun).
The other option is to stress about it and make blow jobs something that neither of you like, and that’s not a very good plan.