The problem with being a Christian sex blogger

Jay Dee

The problem with being a Christian sex blogger

Jul 24, 2013

I felt like writing, and I have a stack of topics, but I didn’t feel like doing any research, so that leaves me with one option: writing something about myself. And so, that’s what I’m doing. You know what the problem with being a Christian

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The Problem With Being A Christian Sex BloggerI felt like writing, and I have a stack of topics, but I didn’t feel like doing any research, so that leaves me with one option: writing something about myself. And so, that’s what I’m doing. You know what the problem with being a Christian sex blogger is? Well, there are many. Some of these have nothing to do, specifically, with the topic of sex, but this is my post, so I’ll say them anyways.  This is largely a vent, and I wasn’t sure I was going to post it, but it might prove insightful to someone, and I want to vent, so, here goes.  Note: You have been forewarned.

Transparency

Transparency can be a problem. I don’t think transparency itself is the issue, in fact, I think transparency is almost always (maybe always) a good thing. However, I don’t think the most people are ready for transparency. I mean, the vast majority aren’t prepared to read a post about how you tie your wife up and have sex, then meet with you the next day and discuss budget concerns in a church board meeting. So, you get stuck into one of two options (at least in my view). You can censor yourself or you can be anonymous, or, I suppose, be prepared to lose some relationships is an option as well. Now, I don’t think either choice is right or wrong. I know being transparent about my identity was wrong for me and my wife at this time. We’re not ready for that, and we know the people we associate with aren’t ready for that.

But this brings up a philosophical question. Are you really being transparent when you aren’t even sharing your real name? Jay Dee is a pseudonym for those who don’t know, and no, that picture up at the top of my website is not my wife and I. So, how do you teach about communicating, being open with people about marriage and sexuality, about disciplining other marriages when you aren’t willing to step out and say this is your ministry?

It also comes with some frustration. This blog is one of the most exciting things happening in my life. I love writing, I love learning about sex and marriage, I love sharing it with whomever will listen, and this blog gives me a platform where I can do so. It also connects me with like-minded people, other bloggers who share my passion, and share the same, or overlapping, ministries. I’ve had some amazing conversations with people over message boards, Facebook, Twitter and email. I’ve shared people’s sorrows, frustrations and joys in their marriage. I’ve even been blessed enough, and I say this with all humility, to have written posts that have been an impetus of large improvements in a few marriages, and a few have contacted me to let me know the joy their marriage now is. When I get those emails and comments that say this ministry is changing marriages and lives for the better, they make my week, I feel amazing, I get the privilege of seeing God move in this world! And you know, when you feel like that, you just want to tell everyone, so of course, I tell my wife, who shares my joy, and then I turn … and there is no one else to tell. I go to church, I see my closest friends, a couple who know I have a blog, but not the details, and they ask “how are you?”, and how can I answer in any other manner but to say “Amazing! It’s been a great week!”, of course the follow up question is “What happened?” and then I’m stuck. No matter what you answer next, it either leads to more questions, or you are obviously deflecting to avoid more questions.

And so, somehow, joy in silence has a reminiscent feel of suffering in silence. They could not be more different, and yet, something is the same. There is a feeling of wanting to share, and not being able to. That incredible joy, tinged by a sort of loneliness.

Blogging about sex makes you think about sex

It’s true. In fact, I recently read a female blogger (I’m sorry, I can’t remember which), who wrote that her sex drive had increased since she started her blog about sex and marriage, probably because of all the time she spends thinking about posts and interacting with the sex-positive Christian community. My wife says that her drive has increased as well, probably because we are constantly talking about sex and marriage, because I bounce a lot of ideas off of her. We probably talk about sex (or at least marriage) at minimum, once a day. It also has had the added benefit of my wife understanding my point of view. I mean, every week I put out probably an average of 1500+ words detailing what’s in my brain. In the last year and a half, she has read the equivalent of a book (average novel size) on what I think about sex and marriage. In turn, we’ve spent a huge sum total of hours discussing the topics and so I get to see her point of view. This has helped our marriage immensely.

So, what’s the problem? Well, it keeps sex in the fore-front of my mind as well, and I’m already high-drive. I’m not actually sure if it has increased my drive at all. The ratio may to too small to be measurable. But, I think the bigger issue that my wife worries that I spend all this time reading about sex and marriage, and sometimes worries that I’m comparing our marriage to others. For example, I bought the book 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy which is a book about a wife who decided to give her husband 365 days of sex for his 40th birthday, and though I haven’t read it yet, when I bought it, my wife was worried I would be expecting this for my next birthday (or maybe my 40th, which is still a long ways down the road). When I posted my Father’s Day post, she was a bit apprehensive that I was expecting the same gift (which incidentally ruins the gift-giving experience in her mind). We spend so much of our childhood being compared to other kids (test scores, picked first for sports, competitions, etc. Not that I think all those things are bad, but they do have side-effects), that it’s hard to not expect to be compared to other people. For me, I only compare us now to who we were before, and, in that light, we’re doing pretty darn good, amazing even. While I do hope for an even better tomorrow, and will continue to strive for it, for both of us, I am very content with where we are.  But, still, whenever I share a story of someones marriage turning around from sexless or sex every night, or share statistics about how many wives have matched drives with their spouse, or similar bits of information, I worry that she’s going to think I’m comparing and not think she measures up.

Experience

Let’s face it, most of us sex bloggers in the Christian sphere don’t have a lot of experience with sex or partners, because, well, we believe that more experience (partners wise) is not a good thing.  So, we have only out own marriage to draw on.  We supplement that with things we read, people we talk to, other perspectives we come across in various means and forms.  We are not experts at having sex with a wide range of partners.  Some of us are experts at having sex with our spouse, and what works for our spouse will definitely not work for everything, but there’s a good chance it will work with many.  I’ve only been married 12 years, and we’ve only been having frequent sex for half of that.  Many of us bloggers have gone from “very bad marriage” to “really good marriage” and blog because we want others to experience the same transformation and revival.  Not because we think we’re better, but because we want your marriage to work for you, and it would be wrong for us to hoard what may help you in achieving that.  I truly believe that my fellow bloggers have servants hearts instead of being braggarts telling everyone about how good their marriage is and how you should follow their lead.

I have had a few spouses and couples contact me by email and ask for advice, and I always preface my advice by saying I am not a expert, doctor, psychiatrist or pastor.  I have no format training what-so-ever in this field.  What I have is 12 years of marriage (which is often less than the people who contact me) and a deep interest in marriage and sex. That said, my wife, and others, claim I have a gift of discernment, I am wary of making claims about my own gifts, but my brain does seem particularly suited to pulling cogent facts out of a situation and seeing, in black and white, what the issues might be.  And so, I do my best to offer what may be a new perspective or insight, and to be honest, I’m always amazed when hey come back and say they tried it and it improved.  I don’t know if it’s because of what I said, or because they’re actually working on their marriage, and I really don’t care what the cause was, I’m just happy it improved.  I’d be just as happy if they came back and said “well, your advice was a disaster, but it started an argument where a lot of stuff came out, and now we’re better than ever.”  If God can work through me, I’ll let Him do it in whatever way He wants.

There is also sometimes the danger of thinking that “well, it works for me, so it should work for others”, and often that’s just not the case.  For example:  I don’t know how many times I’ve heard/read that doing dishes will lead to more sex.  Maybe that’s true, please, someone let me know if that works in your marriage, because I’ve yet to come across a husband, in person, where this is the case (though I have come across wives who say it is true…).  But it must be for some people, because or else there wouldn’t be a thousand blog posts saying it will, from men and women.  What I do know is that I could clean every dish in the house, and it will not affect the frequency of sexual relations in my marriage by the smallest degree.

I also write from my perspective, because, well, it’s my perspective, and it’s the only one I’ve experienced.  So yeah, I’m generally going to write from the white, middle income, western, life-long Christian, high drive husband with lower drive wife, multiple kids, single income, stay at home wife, church going, male viewpoint, because that’s where I’m at.  I can’t be something I am not, and it’s very hard to write from a perspective I haven’t experienced.  I tried with I want my husband to want me, and did the best I could, and many people appreciated it, but I can tell it is definitely not the best post I’ve written, I wasn’t terribly happy with the writing itself and wished I could do better, but had no way to improve it.  It felt awkward, like running in someone else’s shoes, or driving someone else’s car.

So if I say something that doesn’t match your situation, your culture, your lifestyle, your religious views, your marriage, your spouse, you, whatever, tell me.  Write it in the comments so other people with your viewpoint can know they aren’t alone, and gain some insight, and then so can I, because I will never be able to live your viewpoint, but I can learn from yours.

Time

It takes a lot of time to run a blog, or, I’d imagine, any ministry you are trying to grow. In my case, there’s the obvious writing of the posts, which, believe me, take me much longer to write than it does for you to read. I think I spend probably, on average, about 2-3 hours per post. There is research to be done, there are bible verses to be found, read, context checked, Greek and Hebrew to look into, commentaries to read. There are charts to make, images to find, modify, design and create, text to layout, links to insert. Oh, and I have to actually write the content too. By contrast, the average reader, who actually reads an article to the end, spends just over 3 minutes on each post.

In addition to that, I respond to emails, I try to reply to each and every comment or thread (I’m sorry if I miss some), I participate in message boards, I try to read my fellow blogger’s contributions to the blog-o-sphere, and comment when I can (right now that’s difficult, because TheOldReader.com, my RSS feed reader keeps crashing).

I guess what I’m saying is, this can take a fair bit of time, and that can be hard. I’m very blessed to have employment that allows me the opportunity to do this throughout the day, around my day time job.

But, I’ve also been purposefully not getting too heavily involved in ministries/programs at my church, because, well, I already have a ministry that take a lot of my time, but no one knows about it. So I’m sure there are some who are thinking “why is this guy not doing anything?” To be honest though, that one doesn’t bother me much, but some days I wish I didn’t need sleep and could do more, but then, don’t we all?

Blog posts stick around

I mean, they stick around by choice, I don’t want to delete any, in the hopes they’ll help someone, but I have posts near the beginning where we’re having sex 2 times a week, then posts where we’re having sex 6-7 times a week, then posts where we haven’t had sex in 6 weeks, and now we’re sitting at around 3 times a week I think. Our marriage, like everyone else’s, is always in flux. But a single blog post isn’t. It’s a snapshot in time, and I worry sometimes that can be misinterpreted. I sometimes worry that someone might read a post when we were having sex almost every night and think “I’m nowhere close to that, what I am going to learn?”, likewise, someone could read the post I wrote during our post-par-tum sexual hiatus and think “Why is this guy writing about sex? He’s not having any. What am I going to learn from that?” And while I get about 60 people a month who read 20+ posts in a sitting (which is astounding, I’m extremely flattered and humbled), that’s really only 2% of my readers.

Feedback

The vast majority of readers never offer any feedback, and I understand: Life is busy. Plus, my site is called SexWithinMarriage.com. Not everyone wants that showing up on their Facebook page that they “like sex within marriage”. I get it. I knew when I chose the name that I would gain search engine hits, but lose Facebook status, and I made that choice.  BUT, there ARE people sharing posts on Facebook. I know because Facebook tells me, however, it doesn’t tell me what they are saying about it or who they are! That is so incredibly frustrating! I would love to see what the comments were like, what people said about it. I would LOVE to be a part of that discussion!  But, Facebook privacy being what it is (which is full of holes, except in this case it seems), I can’t. So, I mostly gauge response by how many likes/new twitter followers I get vs lose after a post, and that’s more of a proxy than a true barometer.  So, if you want to friend me on Facebook so I can see what you are writing about me, that would be amazing!

But, thank you to all who actually tell me what you think in the comments. I appreciate the “Loved this!” comment are much as the “I think you’re misrepresenting the facts” or “I think you took that Bible verse out of context” responses. You know why? Because they both are feedback, and in this highly disconnected medium, feedback is a precious thing. So, please, tell me I’m crazy, or that I’m wrong, or that I don’t know what I’m talking about. I would love to hear your perspective.

What do I tell my kids?

OK, my kids are still pretty young, but my eldest is starting to ask questions. She knows I work on the computer a lot. She knows some of the time I’m working, and some of the time I’m trying to help people. But she doesn’t know with what, or why. But, the time is coming soon where the questions will be more pointed, and that she’ll be able to read words on the screen faster than I can switch windows. And I’m pretty techie (maybe extremely techie), but I have no doubt that they will surpass me before they enter college, guaranteed before they are married. And then, there won’t be any way to stop them from finding out about this blog, and then they might know more about what those bedroom noises are at night than they care to. And that might be awkward. Maybe I’ll just tell them “If you don’t want to know, don’t read it, and if you do read it, don’t say I didn’t warn you, but you can always ask me questions.”

I have thoughts about other things too!

When you launch a site called SexWithinMarriage.com, you sort of restrict what you can discuss.  I push the boundaries a bit by discussion gender roles, communication, things like that, which some like that I expand into these areas, and some don’t, but it’s always connected to sex and/or marriage in some way.  But, I have other interests, which I can’t really discuss here without “muddying the waters” so to speak.  For example, in one of my posts, we got into a theological discussion about the nature of hell.  I didn’t want to have a big discussion there about it, because it’s off topic, but at the time I was stuck.  Where could we move it so that it was still public (I didn’t want anyone to think I was burying the issue)?  So, I’ve decided to start another blog at JayDeeBlogs.com where I can discuss anything I want to without worrying about topic boundaries.  At the moment I’m tackling the topic of prophecy in the Bible, specifically the books of Daniel and Revelation, because I think that’s a big issue that many churches ignore and many Christians don’t know what to do with.  So, if you’re interested in that topic, you can join me there.  I’m working on about the same schedule as this blog, which is to say I have no schedule, but generally one post a week.  I’ll warn you now, some of the things that will come out are in direct opposition to a lot of what is being taught in today’s churches, but if you have an interest in the topic, please stick around and discuss them instead of just dismissing it out of hand.

 

Wow, that gets a lot of stuff of my chest.  If you made it this far, thanks for letting me vent.  I needed that.

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30 thoughts on “The problem with being a Christian sex blogger”

  1. ButterflyWings says:

    Just a few quick comments Jay Dee.

    I thought your article “I want my husband to want me” was brilliant. Perhaps you feel it wasn’t your best because it’s not your own experience, but let me reassure you, it was a great post.

    I have only been floating around christian sex blogs for around 9 months now (since my disastrous honeymoon) and even looking back at some of my old comments on some of them, I am amazed at the differences I see. Some things are very different, some things are very much the same, others are constant in flux. There are some Iv’e thought about asking the blog owners to delete, but then I think no, it shows a pattern of growth in our relationship and it shows areas we still need to work on. Both the happier posts and the sadder, more difficult posts bring me comfort because I can see I survived whatever painful situation made me sad at that time, and even on bad days, that there have been happy times.

    I look forward to reading your new blog when I have time. Actually I keep meaning to go back and look at more of your older posts on here too. Food for thought over the next week and hopefully will find stuff that can help things when we get back to sex (just found out today that we have to take a 7 day hiatus for medical reasons – frustrating for me but hubby at least is happy knowing I won’t be asking for 7 whole days – I swear this baby is trying to ruin my sex life lol).

    I am glad you have this blog and maybe one day you can share with the people of your church and your family and friends that you are the writer. It may happen or it may not. But either way, I hope this ministry of yours continues for many years to come.

    Thanks

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thank you. My honeymoon was disastrous as well (for different reasons, got sick, vehicle broke down in an unpopulated area, bad weather), sadly, that kicked off a disastrous marriage for the next 8 years or so. It took us a long time for both of us to get on the same page.

      Pregnancy can definitely change your sex life…I think I have a post about that, but we never had health concerns, so it probably won’t apply to you I’m afraid, except maybe to say pregnancy, in general, has taken it’s toll on us for a time as well.

      I hope so too. I all likelihood, I won’t end up ever sharing this blog with people I know in person, but I will probably share a lot of it’s content, reworded and through different mediums. I’ve recently asked a couple who do marriage ministry in our church if I can train under them, so I’m looking forward to that.

      And don’t worry, I have no intention of stopping writing anytime soon.

  2. Robyn Gibson says:

    “Many of us bloggers have gone from “very bad marriage” to “really good marriage” and blog because we want others to experience the same transformation and revival. Not because we think we’re better, but because we want your marriage to work for you, and it would be wrong for us to hoard what may help you in achieving that. ”

    AMEN!! Jay Dee

    (good rant) 🙂

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks. You must WordPress “like” my blog more than anyone else.

      1. Robyn Gibson says:

        I like what you write – it’s your transparency and honesty and unapologetic(ness). You don’t, fence sit.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          Never liked sitting on fences…very uncomfortable for me.

  3. belovedalways says:

    Well this post answers a lot of things I wondered about. *grin*

    Like how you handled yourselves in ANY public situation where anybody IRL knew you. The pseudonym and fake photo explain it all. Brilliant.

    Great post. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yeah, I mention it from time to time in posts, on teleconferences, etc. But it must be misleading (in fact I’ve been told it is). I’m just not ready to do a re-design of the graphics at the moment, and I lost my art file, so I can’t do minor changes… Or else I might put up a bit “This is not me! –> ” sign on it.

      Always nice to see a first time commenter. Welcome!

  4. happywife says:

    Great post! I enjoyed reading your thoughts.
    Here’s my thought about the transparency/anonymity issue. I think it would be highly inappropriate and even dangerous for the couple sitting behind you in church to know the details of your sexual encounters with your wife. Sex is supposed to be a private and intimate matter between a husband and wife. Staying anonymous gives you the freedom to be much more specific on your blog about sexual matters without breaching that privacy and intimacy. This is why I so appreciate this blog as well as J at HHH. For instance, I know that it is important to “experiment and try new things” but it is so much more helpful to read a blog post specifying some of those “new things” to try. Having a Christian source to turn to for inspiration in the bedroom is great.
    I also really do appreciate the fact that you respond to comments. I know I don’t comment often, mostly due to the loss of Google Reader. For some reason I can’t write comments through Feedly on my phone, and it’s not a big enough issue to take time away from sex with my husband to deal with. 🙂
    Keep up the good work! Blessings to you and your family!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yeah, I agree, we have some amazing blogs out there were people use their real names, and I am so utterly impressed that they have the courage to do so. I assume (but actually I’ve emailed Paul @ GenerousHusband to confirm, because I hate unfounded assumptions) that they self-censor/tone it down a bit to make life bearable in public. But there are few of us that are anonymous and I think we may have more leeway in what we can write about. Honestly, sometimes it’s still hard to type the words out. How ridiculous is that? No one knows who I am, and it can still be hard to put myself out there.

      I felt the loss of Google Reader myself. TheOldReader.com has been having problems, so I feel like I’m completely behind on my reading (it’s been like 3 days!). I think I have over 100 blogs that I follow, so no doubt I’m behind ~200 posts by now.

      1. Paul H. Byerly says:

        We choose early on to be honest about who we are, but we also choose to not talk much about our current sex life. All the sins and errors of the past are out there in the hope someone will learn from them, but what we do now is private. I think this is proper – at some point sharing about your sex life crossed into inviting people into your sex life.

        We’ve been participating on marriage and sexuality message boards of one form or another since 1997. This means we have interacted with literally thousands of Christians on these issues. Add to that the many emails, and we have a huge store of information from which we can draw. I can describe sex acts I’ve never tried as well as many who do them regularly (I once had a group of women tell me I had explained something female specific better than any of them could). If I say something about my sex life, I offer it the same way I offer things I have learned from others. This means no one knows what might actually be us and what is not.

        As to the kids, when we started our daughter was out of the house, and our son was six. We have always been open with him about what we do (minster about marriage and sexuality) and why (a lot of people have messes in those areas.) We were always careful about what he saw on our computer screens (I have a great bookmarklet that kills images on any page) but he knew we researched sexuality a good deal. We also allowed him to “over hear” age appropriate conversations about what we do, and about some of the dumb things people do that mess up their lives. He has made very good decisions about relationships and sex, and he has often attributed that to what he heard and not wanting to be like that.

        One of the great bonuses is that Lori and I talk about sex regularly. We discuss articles and post we want to write, what we have seen others write, new research and problems we get by email. It has become easy and natural for us to talk about sex, and that means we have no problem talking about our own sexual desires, feelings, and so on.

        BTW, feedly.com is awesome, even better than Google Reader was. You may still be able to move your feeds from Google – http://blog.feedly.com/2013/07/03/the-fix-to-the-missing-feeds-issue-is-here/

        1. Jay Dee says:

          Thanks for commenting Paul. Nice to have a voice of experience here. Thanks for the insights.

          Trying out Feedly.com, thank you both for the recommendation.

  5. Ryan says:

    JayDee,

    Ive been following your blog for a while now. Very much appreciate your contributions. It’s a very welcome addition to the ‘female’ perspective-blogs my wife is reading 😉 (HHH etc).

    Just wanted to encourage you. You have this powerful way of combining personal sincerity with broaden-your-mind data and facts and then marinating your entries with deep gospel truth.

    Must be the Spirit at work, bro.

    Keep it up!

    Blessings from the Netherlands,
    Ryan

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Welkom! Yeah, anonymous blogging about sex within Christian marriage seems to be weighted on the female side a bit (HHH, ForgiveWife, any I’m missing?). Both have become … acquaintances? friends? fellow ministry companions? during this journey. What do you call someone you bounce ideas off of and, questions and give answers in return, but you don’t know their real name or what they look like? I never thought of myself as balancing them out, but glad to be of service.

      I appreciate the encouragement.

  6. LKI says:

    I think you’re right about a lot of people not being ready for transparency, whether reading about yours or dealing with the lack of their own. I have found it difficult to be transparent, not because I don’t want to be or can’t be but, because it makes people uncomfortable, they don’t know how to deal with it/ don’t want to hear about it, and you just might lose relationships because of it. Anyway, I appreciate your posts and your transparency although I have to admit the ‘tying up’ one caught me off guard—BUT, it did get me to think outside my usual vein which is what all this is about:) Keep up the good work and, glad you were able to vent.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yeah, you have to be careful who you’re transparent around, some aren’t ready and don’t want it. Because you being transparent I think makes them feel like their supposed to be, and I guess that’s true in a sense. I’m always amazed when I write a post being as open as I can, people come back being just as open, and yeah, it’s a guarded transparency because it’s online and no one knows it’s you, but it can still be hard to acknowledge what’s in your life and type it on a keyboard. Sort of like saying it out loud.

      I know the “tying up” post wasn’t going to be for everyone, in the future I’m probably going to have more that aren’t for everyone, and there are going to be some topics I won’t tackle, because I have no interest in trying them. That’s personal preference, and I think everyone is entitled to their own. But, if it causes you to think, then I’ve done my job. By no means am I trying to convert Christianity into playing bondage games in every marriage bed. But I know there are a lot of them doing it that feel guilt about it, and there are more than aren’t doing it, even though both want to for the same reasons. We have make sex such a confusing topic and attributed sin to so many things that aren’t (and more than are but we say they aren’t). I’ll keep trying to unravel it for people, because I could spend the rest of my life working out this topic. The homework is awesome.

  7. LatterDay Marriage says:

    I relate to each point you raise.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I’d imagine so. I’ve been reading your posts in the last few weeks, and keep meaning to comment, but the LDS faith is so fundamentally different than mine, that I’m not sure how to approach it in the comments yet without starting a theological debate not rooted around the topic, but I’ll keep reading and trying.

  8. Chris says:

    I can definitely relate to some of this, especially what you say about getting to see God’s work in marriages: “And you know, when you feel like that, you just want to tell everyone, so of course, I tell my wife, who shares my joy, and then I turn … and there is no one else to tell. ”

    One day, one of my staff members (a nun) asked me what had brought me such joy and a big smile to my face. I couldn’t exactly share with her that a post I’d written on oral sex had helped a woman finish her husband in her mouth for the first time in their 24-year marriage. Could I?

    It’s interesting that you write about anonymity, as I’ve been thinking a lot about that recently. I stay partly anonymous (but I have a real photograph of me on my blog, even though it is just my eyes), but staying anonymous while blogging about sex perpetuates a culture that hides Christian married sex instead of celebrating its existence. How can I say that it’s important to rejoice in God’s wonderful gift for husbands and wives if I don’t even come out and publicly claim that I enjoy that gift myself?

    1. Jay Dee says:

      That’s the quandary, isn’t it? Now, I do think there is a difference between being clear that I enjoy frequent passionate sex with my wife (I have no problem saying that in public), and sharing explicit sexual details with everyone you come across.

  9. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) says:

    I do wonder if people feel like I’m a slacker because I have this whole chunk of time I can’t account for. They must think I piddle or take forever to do things. Oh well!

    Technology being what it is, I write under the assumption that I will eventually “come out” or be found out. And oddly enough, I’m almost more worried about having revealed my augmentation surgery than stuff about my sex life. I don’t get too detailed about the sex hubby and I have, but I don’t like the idea that some church member might move his eyes down to my chest and think, “Oh, those ARE bigger!” LOL.

    Finally, doing the dishes doesn’t seem to get men sex because it’s not an obvious correlation. But the dishes being done means one less thing on my to-do list that night, so the likelihood that I feel free to engage in sex is higher. Plus, it means he was thinking of me and my needs, so I might be more willing to do the same for him. It’s just not tit for tat (and my junior high self starts to laugh).

    Thanks for sharing, Jay Dee! Keep ministering.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yeah, that’s true, you can never be sure someone won’t be able to find you online. We leave these massive digital paper trails behind that never really disappear or go cold.

      I might be embarrassed if the blog became public, but I would certainly not be ashamed, and that’s what keeps me typing on the keyboard. I’m a web developer by trade, so I know, better than most, just how easy it is to find someone online.

      And I understand what your saying about dishes, but I think it relies on the assumption that the primary reason you are not having sex is because the wife is too distracted by the menial tasks of the household. I submit that is not the case in the majority of low frequency (sex wise) marriages. Typically (in my experience, and that of those I correspond with), it is not a “there is too much to do” issue, but rather a heart and/or awareness of the need issue.

      I also worry that this stereotype pushes the idea of “sex in exchange for work”, which basically turns our wives into prostitutes, downplays the idea of give to give, not to receive, and does away with unconditional love. And, it turns doing dishes into something “you have to do to get sex” instead of something you should do because it’s for the good of the household/family/your spouse.

      *gets off his soapbox*

      1. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) says:

        Well, I had this post about bartering started, so I finished and posted it. Your comment here inspired the last part. I will say that one of the reasons most frequently given by wives for not having sex is being too tired. And I do believe that. Sure, it’s a heart issue that they don’t prioritize, but there are practical considerations too.

        By the way, I did have a professional hacker (who works on the good side, being hired by organizations to discover potential security issues) give me pointers to maintain anonymity. That was well-worth my time and money. Given your background, you probably have that down as well.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          Yeah, I read the post, it seemed…well, it seemed extremely coincidental given the short time delay between the comment and the post.

          I get the tiredness thing. But tiredness is a symptom, not a cause. If you are too tired for years, then something is wrong that needs to be fixed, either medically or lifestyle wise (excepting, of course, cases like long term medical problems where is nothing that can be done).

  10. arb says:

    JayDee,
    I agree with the earlier comment about your privacy. I think in this day and age of being so very public with everyone’s personal stuff that we forget that privacy and safety are sometimes the same thing. I applaud you and J for being anonymous and protecting your privacy. If I could figure out how to add more hours to my day and keep my id totally secret then I would start a blog about what is like to part of a long term couple living with Erectile Dysfunction. There is always the standard answers in most blogs about ED but it really never addresses how there is about 20 percent of men that never respond to treatment or how hard it is to keep those sexual intimate fires burning for those couples. Thanks for sharing your feelings as it makes your blog seem more real and relevant.

    I totally enjoy your blog. Keep up the good work!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I keep meaning to write a post about ED, thanks for the reminder!

  11. Bonny Pearl says:

    Losing my anonymity has been surprisingly freeing. I’m not a pastor or have other considerations other than I was trying to protect my husband. But, he is fine with my person being known.

    There is nothing my husband has to do to earn the right to be in my arms. I do give it freely. However, chore-play absolutely speaks to my heart. When he vacuums on Saturday morning, it says love to me. He’s doing this for me because he loves me, not because he’s going to get anything out of it.

    I could be the female blogger you were thinking of. I mentioned in one post that my sex drive has increased since starting the blog because of the exact reason you mentioned; thinking/researching about sex leads to more sexual intimacy in real life.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I’d imagine it would be freeing. I hope one day, but just not there yet.

  12. Bonnie Wallace says:

    WOW! I could not have said it better myself. My blog is new and I’m just starting out but I’ve run into every one of these issues so far. I remember the first being…if I put this out on Facebook, my mom, relatives and childhood friends are going to read it and know about my sex life! People are going to know that I don’t see a problem with a husband and wife having anal sex!! It was nerve-racking but it is getting easier.

    And then of course the problem on Facebook where people don’t want to “like” a page that’s all about sex. I don’t blame them because I didn’t want to “like” my own page at first!! But I try to share posts daily so that people will really understand what the blog is about, and hopefully, they’ll get more comfortable sharing. This was very inspiring to read. It lets me know that I’m not the only one with these struggles!!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Hey Bonnie, welcome to the blog-o-sphere!

      I’m glad I could help you feel connected in some small way. You are not alone! I’m impressed, you went with disclosing your identity! Rare for someone blogging about sex. I haven’t been able to get there yet, perhaps some day.

      Thanks for commenting!

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