So, many people were interested in the results. I’m guessing most don’t want just an excel spreadsheet of the data, but rather want the knowledge gained from the survey, so I’m going to do my best to break it down into bits of knowledge instead of bits of data.
So, let’s handle the simple things first.
Single question aggregation (data)
How long have you been married?
- Less than 1 year: 3%
- 1-3 years: 7%
- 4-7 years: 6%
- 10-15 years: 15%
- 15-20 years: 8%
- 20-25 years: 8%
- 25+ years: 25%
(I should have extended the choices beyond 25 years)
How often do you have some sort of sexual intimacy together?
- More than 7 times a week: 3%
- 7 times a week: 1%
- 6 times a week: 3%
- 5 times a week: 9%
- 4 times a week: 11%
- 3 times a week: 13%
- 2 times a week: 21%
- once a week: 25%
- once a month: 8%
- less than once a month: 9%
(I should have had more options between once a week and once a month, and maybe a “we don’t have a sex” option, sadly)
This gives an average frequency of 2.3 times per week.
How is your marriage set up?
- Husband leads/in control: 22%
- Equal, but husband is “more equal”: 33%
- Egalitarian: 27%
- Equal, but wife is “more equal”: 13%
- Wife leads/in control: 4%
I hope people understood what I meant by “more equal”. It’s hard to ask a quick question on this topic without writing a dissertation on leadership/submission/complementarian/egalitarian/etc/etc marriages. Judging by the comments, most people understood. I think I only had one “I’m not sure how to measure this”. And I had one who was adamant that they had a 100/100 egalitarian marriage (luckily it wasn’t a math quiz, but I understood what he was trying to say). Also had quite a few that said their wife thought it was egalitarian, or he was leading, but she was lying to herself.
All this begs the question: are you sure you know whose leading in your marriage?
Who has the higher sex drive?
- Husband: 59%
- Wife: 22%
- Both: 14%
- Neither: 5%
So, from this we can deduce that 73% of husbands have a high drive and 36% of wives have a high drive.
- Male: 59%
- Female: 41%
So, fairly even split of respondents.
Do you find your sex life fulfilling?
- Yes: 53%
- No: 47%
Only half. That’s believable, but sad.
Do you have children?
- Yes: 93%
Honestly, I’m surprised the “No” isn’t higher, but pleasantly surprised. A lot of comments about how they don’t have children YET.
Who initiates sex?
- I do (always): 22%
- I do (often): 49%
- Spouse does (always): 6%
- Spouse does (often): 23%
I know, lots of people wanted a “Both” answer, but if that was a choice, almost everyone would pick it and it would be statistically irrelevant. I did this on purpose, sorry for the unicorns out there where it actually is dead even, or for those that schedule sex a week in advance, so there is no initiating, or for those marriages where no one initiates because they have given up on having sex.
So, from this we can deduce that either those types of people who answer sex surveys are more likely to initiate (likely possibility) or that people generally think they initiate more than their spouse (also more likely) due to missing cues/subtle hints/etc which one spouse says is an initiation and the other doesn’t.
What percentage of sexual encounters result in at least one orgasm?
- Never orgasm: 3%
- 1 in 10: 3%
- 2 in 10: 1%
- 3 in 10: 1%
- 6 in 10: 2%
- 7 in 10: 1%
- 8 in 10: 7%
- 9 in 10: 21%
- Every time: 61%
OK, I could have done a lot better on this one. To start, I should have clarified, I mean for the respondent, not an orgasm for either participants. I adjusted scores based on comments, there were a lot of comments around this one to clarify, thank you. Also, I think my division of percentages was too fine, especially at the bottom end. I probably could have done none, 10%-50%, 50%-70%, 80%, 90%, 100%. And no, I’m not going to add a 99.9% for those who do “almost always” except when they have the flu and are on medication and the moon is over their left shoulder and the dog is making that weird sound he sometimes makes when he thinks he saw a squirrel but isn’t sure because it’s dark out. We’ll call that 100%.
What style of sex to do you prefer?
- Gentle (slow, rhythmic): 32%
- Not-so-gentle (faster, harder): 61%
- Rough (spanking, hair-pulling): 7%
I know, you like to have sex multiple ways, starting gentle and going to more rough in many cases. But, if I had an “All of the above” choice, the question would be useless. That’s why I added that word “prefer”. And yes, I’m aware your preferences change depending on your mood.
That’s the answers to all the surveys. Now on to a couple interesting correlations.
Multiple Question Aggregation (knowledge)
There are some sad statistics to start off with.
- 62% of women who are having sex once a month or less are happy with their sex life while only 6% of the men are
- 46% of respondents do not feel their sex life is fulfilling (37% of women, 52% of men)
- 11% of female respondents have an orgasm less than 10% of the time, 3% never do, 3% of men never do either
- 18% of respondents are being refused (as categorized by: not fulfilled, sex once a week or less, and they do the bulk of the initiating)
Next we have some interesting simple comparisons
I found it interesting that the lowest points are at the 7 year mark. This lends credence to the 7-year-itch belief.
Perhaps this is when kids are generally introduced, or maybe a second child. Unfortunately, I have so few childless respondents, I can’t test that with the data.
What is interesting to note is that if you can get through that 7 year part, generally things seem to improve (frequency wise).
Unsurprisingly, sexual satisfaction follows almost exactly the same trend except for the first year of marriage. I suspect the initial low start is due to inexperience, learning to please a partner sexually is a learned experience, but it seems that most people before “adequate” pretty early on. Then life seems to settle in. That honeymoon period is gone, you start seeing struggles, conflicts, you find out who this person really is, flaws and all, and you start to notice those flaws, and they’re there EVERY DAY. I’m not sure what causes the turn around. Maybe after 7 years of this, people just collectively get fed up and decide to turn their marriage around. It’s amazing how many times I come across marriages that turn around at this point. My own marriage did. We just decided to start fighting for it, and it improved. Seems we’re not the only ones. About 50% of marriages are having fulfilling sex by the 7-10 year mark, and it continues to improve until 25+ years, at which point, the drop off could probably be attributed to health/age. It’s too big of a span to accurately make a guess.
I have a few more that I want to keep for a future post, but I think I’ll end off here after one or two more stats.
Now, did you ever think that the way you have sex affects frequency? Or perhaps frequency affects the way you have sex. I’m not sure. Just thought this was an interesting chart. At first I thought that the “Gentle” choice was the first option, so maybe those that aren’t having sex are choosing that as the default. So I filtered those that are having sex once a month or less out, and that’s what’s depicted in the chart to the left. All it did was push the frequencies higher, and “Rough” came out further ahead than “Not-so-gentle”
Oh, and for those that think the “Rough” people are all males, guess again:
|Type of sex||Male||Female|
|Gentle (slow, rythmic)||35%||17%|
|Not-so-gentle (faster, harder)||62%||70%|
|Rough (spanking, hair-pulling)||3%||13%|
Sorry ladies, the secret is out…
17 thoughts on “Some “rough” sex statistics”
Aw, I totally missed this survey. I would have loved to participate. Hope there’s another one sometime!
I appreciate your willingness to participate! I will definitely be having another one in the future, but I need to find a better system for collecting the answers and refine my questions (plus add some more).
Some great stuff in there, and you did a good job communicating it.
The frustration with surveys you and I do is that they are slice of the church as a whole. I assume the vast majority are sex positive.
Yes, those that are likely to answer a survey about sex on a site about sex listed on a facebook/twitter/whatever account related to sex are far more likely to be sex positive 🙂
I am of the aggressive/hair pulling variety, myself. Not always but at times. Definitely lean harder than softer, even if it’s not that aggressive.
Me & my wife are of the not so gentler crowd. We love to move slowly then work up to a harder, faster rhythm! It brings us both immense pleasure! I am sorry I had to see this survey now, but then I only came across your site recently so maybe next time. Please indicate to those of us who are subscribed to your site when you are having such surveys! They are very informative & the information provided is very helpful. It has helped me realise that I need to be the initiator of sex very often & that we as a cople must fight to keep our marriage from becoming routine & redundant!! I truly do appreciate your efforts!! God bless & keep it up!
Interesting that those who topped the high frequency chart also topped the rough sex chart.
Does that mean that people who have rough sex want it more frequently or does it mean that people who had sex more frequently wanted it rough?
You can guess, but the data doesn’t provide proof either way. Merely a correlation.
So… what do you think we should do with this information? Is it actionable? If a couple wants to have sex more, would you recommend that they try it a little rougher?
I recommend they at least talk about it 🙂
Very interesting results. Having been married just over 30 years, my wife and I were able to see our married life in the peaks and valleys. We’re having the best sex of our lives now in our 50s. It correlates to kids being older and/or gone, AND that vasectomy and hysterectomy make the fear of pregnancy nearly non-existent. Ok, well, it’s impossible. Just funnin.
One night when my wife and I were having sex, we were in the doggie position and I began pulling her hair, gently at first then harder as we went along. I had never done this before and she seemed to become more aroused and was more “active” than normal. I was extremely excited and kept up our activity for a much longer period than normal. In spite of my excitement, I could not reach orgasm, so we stopped. She had orgasm via cunnilingus prior to intercourse. As we lay down, she snuggled and seemed more intimate than usual, vigorously kissing me and telling me how much she loved me. It was unusual because she rarely wants to have sex (less than six times a year). I was still turned on and planned to incorporate hair pulling into our next session. The next morning as we prepared for the day, she spoke gently saying that she did not like for her hair to be pulled and I shouldn’t do it anymore. Needless to say I was extremely disappointed. She would not discuss it any further. I know how she reacted – it has been many years since she was as involved and actively participating as she was that night. Please advise – what goes?
Makes perfect sense to me. She got aroused and the parts of her brain that assess what is “proper”, what is “gross”, and the parts that measure “risk” partially shut down. She enjoys it immensely, but then when the arousal wears off and those parts of the brain come back in force, the she looks back and is appalled that she enjoyed it.
So, she retroactively decides she didn’t enjoy it and asks you not to do it again.
In short, her experience of enjoyment is in conflict with what she believes she should enjoy.
Makes sense to me. It’s a shame in a way as her enjoyment of sex could add so much to the marriage. I feel the same with things I really enjoy. I have to fight the guilt even though DW says she is comfortable with it.