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It’s not just about sex

Jay Dee

It’s not just about sex

Sep 02, 2015

My wife left me and took the kids to her parents house.  So I’m a bachelor again, in an empty house to myself, doing what I want, when I want.  It’s very odd going from being a husband and father of 5 to being “single”

It's not all about sexMy wife left me and took the kids to her parents house.  So I’m a bachelor again, in an empty house to myself, doing what I want, when I want.  It’s very odd going from being a husband and father of 5 to being “single” again.  And you know what?  I don’t really like it.  I miss my wife, and not just for sex (though I miss that too).

Probably one of the most common criticisms I get is that people get the impression that I think marriage is only about sex.  They think that because I have a ministry that focuses on sex within marriage that I believe the other aspects of marriage are less important, or not important at all.  But, I think my long term readers know better.  In almost every post I think you can read that, while sex is important, there’s a lot more going on under the covers, so to speak, that contribute to a healthy sex life.

In order to have a great sex life you need to learn to be selfless and caring.  You need to learn to communicate effectively.  You need to learn to love unconditionally and be a Christ-like example to your spouse.  All these things, and many more contribute not only to a healthy sex life, but to a healthy marriage as a whole.  But even that isn’t all of it.

I miss doing life with my wife.  The simple things, like being able to complain about the heat and be heard, or being brought a snack (she makes so many delicious things).  I miss just being together in the house, even if we’re not in the same room, and knowing she’s near by.  I miss talking.  I miss watching TV together.  I miss falling asleep in the same bed even though we tend to sleep as far apart from each other as physically possible in our king sized bed.

I miss having a shared life.  I miss having someone here who I know, who I know deeply, and who knows me.

“The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” – Genesis 2:18a

That went for Adam, and I think it goes for me as well.  Simply put, without my wife, life isn’t the same.  It’s emptier.  I won’t say it’s not worth living, I could probably continue to find joy and be content and work for God…but it wouldn’t be as full.  It’s not as “good”, and it’s that fullness I’m missing I think.

So, if you’re a new reader, please don’t misunderstand.  Yes, this blog focuses on sex, but that’s not the ultimate goal.  I focus on sex because so few are, and because there is such a need for healthy, Christian discussion of sexuality, but we are all working towards healthy, strong, holistic marriages, where your spiritual, emotional and physical relationship with your spouse is strong across the board.  But even through the discussion of sex, if you look for it, you will often find deeper meanings, core marriage concepts that underpin the discussion and build the foundation for a healthy and satisfying sex life, because I’ve yet to meet a couple that has an awesome sex life and a terrible marriage, or a terrible sex life and an awesome marriage (though I have met some who have fooled themselves into believe it’s possible).

P.S. Don’t worry, our relationship is fine.  I’m meeting up with them on Friday so we can continue the vacation together.

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10 thoughts on “It’s not just about sex”

  1. Kent says:

    You had me scared for a moment, Because of my wife is a school teacher and has her summer’s off, she up and takes vacation when she can over the summer without me. I know how you feel. The first day or two are ok, but I start missing her and my family after that and missing sex too. We have learned that sex on her return is great, but the most important thing for us is just reconnecting as a couple mentally and emotionally. We are both more relaxed and less stressed in the house and this makes the sex easier and better.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      The hardest part is that I’m going to meet them camping. 5 kids and 2 adults in a single tent…doesn’t really allow for sex. And waiting while she’s around is even harder than when she’s gone.

      1. Kent says:

        I hear you brother. That was why we have a second tent. Good luck and have fun with the family.

  2. Christ Tian says:

    Jay, don’t ever do that again! I couldn’t even enjoy the post and had to scroll to the end, breathe then re-read! So glad you guys are okay and I agree with you. Marriage is not just about sex but sex is (to me) the most important aspect of marriage because (maybe I think this because I’m a woman) when the sex is right it’s because everything else is. The fact that the first sign of a troubled marriage is a lack of sex simply shows that it is a very important thing and the fact God set it in marriage shows how important it is to Him too. I totally agree with this post. xx

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself. Don’t worry, we’re bullet proof. Now you know for the next time I pull that stunt for all the new readers 🙂

      1. Jay Dee says:

        Kids are still too young for their own tents. But, one day….already have the tent 🙂

        1. libl says:

          Get a second tent “for supplies”. Set it up near the family tent and when the kiddos fall asleep, you and wifey can go in the supply tent and “check for provisions.”

  3. LatterDay Marriage says:

    I know exactly what you mean. I’d rather go grocery shopping with my wife than go to any form of entertainment alone.

  4. Kevin Lageer says:

    My wife and I were just having this conversation earlier this week. The background: about a week ago, she was bending over to put a pan in the oven and felt something pop in her back…evaluation is an agravated disc; she ended up in the hospital on morphine for a couple of days, etc., etc., home on Tramadol pain medication…and during that time, close to 2 weeks now, I really haven’t had much of a desire for sex…worrying about her and now not wanting to hurt or aggravate her injuries…just not interested. However, if she is healthy and leaves for a holiday or overnight shopping trip…I go absolutely crazy…can’t wait for her to get home. So that is my reaction to separation.

  5. Jeffrey W says:

    I just recently started reading on your blog and actually got in trouble with the wife bc I was being slightly antisocial at her parents house (she thought I was playing a game lol) but when I explained to her I had stumbled onto your blog she calmed down….. I have loved reading everything and Sex has always been up and down in our marriage of 5 years but I have lately been convicted by God that’s it’s not all my Wife’s fault bc I realized that while sex is how I perceive love it’s not for her and I hadn’t been consistently filling my end of the bargain to show her how loved and appreciated she is. She is amazing in every way and she needs to hear and feel it more through my actions. Thanks from a newly devoted reader

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