We’re going to try something a bit different today, we’re going to try a discussion question. Basically, I’m not going to write a post, I’m just going to ask a couple of questions and open the floor to comments below. Because sometimes I get questions that I’m curious about how other people respond, or, in this case, I’ve had some readers ask, but it doesn’t really work to create a survey about it. In this case, the questions are too long-form. There’s no way to gather metrics on them that would make sense in any way. Plus, I don’t want to detract from the survey that’s already running. So, here are the questions I have on my mind this morning:
- What’s your gender.
- How do you typically initiate sex?
- How do you prefer your spouse to initiate sex (realistically, not the fantasy spouse you have in your head)?
Now, I know we’re going to get into some trouble here, because some will say initiating sex is what you do in the morning, when you declare your desire and sort of “plant the seed” for later. Others will say initiating sex is what you do right before you expect to have sex (assuming your initiation is … successful). I’m not going to define it at this point. You answer whichever way you want, though it might be helpful to state which view you’re holding to for your answer, if it’s not clear by your response.
Plus, when answer how you prefer your spouse to initiate sex, let’s be realistic. I mean, I’d love it if my wife would initiate sex as if she was so aroused that she couldn’t stand another minute of being near me without ripping my clothes off as soon as I walk in the door…but that’s not going to happen, and the person who would do that is not my wife. It’s some fantasy in my head. So, let’s answer within the bounds of reality. Now, that’s not to say that people can’t change. My wife’s initiation has changed completely over the course of our marriage: from … not initiating at all, to being fairly bold some days. But, I’m still not expecting blow jobs at the door when I come home from work, and doubt I ever will. It’s just not realistic.
So, here’s an example answer (which just happens to be mine):
I’m a male, and lately, I typically initiate sex by saying “I miss you” when we’re already in bed and naked, because I’m scared of initiating too, especially since the birth of our 5th child, and it’s a safe way to gauge the waters, as it were. I’m working on being more assertive again. I prefer it when my spouse, when initiating, simply reaches over and starts touching me sexually without asking, without checking, just assuming I want sex (which is always the case).
So, I leave the floor open to you:
- What’s your gender.
- How do you typically initiate sex?
- How do you prefer your spouse to initiate sex?
Answer in the comments below. You can be as anonymous as you like (though if you pick a name, even if it’s a fake one, it’s easier to recognize conversations.
16 thoughts on “Discussion about initiating sex”
I’m female and I will answer both. First, if I’m going to be initiating sex sometime in the day I usually give him a sexy, flirty, “sex later” text or comment so he knows, for accountability that I will follow through, and because thinking about it all day helps me be in the mood later. For the actual initiation of sex, I like to verbally tell him what I want and physically starting the foreplay. It doesn’t take much of initiation, any hint and sex and it gets started pretty quickly. I prefer for initiation from him to go something like this. First I don’t like being asked if we can have sex, it makes me feel responsible in a way that hinders my full involvement. I prefer when we are already be close (in bed, on the couch, standing in the kitchen, anywhere) and he starts to explore. We established early on in our marriage that touching like that is a dead give away for sex initiation. If it doesn’t lead to sex, we have a problem normally. It works well for me because touch is one of my love languages.
2. Ask my wife/soft touch on back
3.grab my penis, be nude, make out
Most times in our marriage I’m very direct and open with my Prom Queen. Either I ask can we, walk in the room and take her pants off or starting touching in bed.
Prom Queen is very shy and I miss most signals. I would love if she would use flirty words and physical seduce me.
We are 4 years in it’s gonna get better over the next 50 years
I ask my wife if she wants to. Doesn’t really work to start kissing her or something because she always finds excuses for not continue so I ask and wait for her answer.
The few times she initiates it’s by giving me hints like putting on a thong and show it in bed. it doesn’t happen often tough, last time she did it she fell asleep before anything could happen.
2- I touch and kiss so she feel my intention. But she has the last word, since she sometimes accepted and sometimes not.
3 -For me would be enough that she started it, no matter how.
I’m female, put on my husband’s favorite red sexy nightie that he likes to see me in. Light candles and soft music. I’d love for him to initiate more often try being more romantic like he used to be.
We had a sexless marriage for 25 years. After two daughters and some medical issues our sex life was dead. After 50 years of marriage I approached my wife and said I miss her sexually. (Jay Dee encouraged me to begin this conversation). She said she wanted to please me in that way. Now, in the morning she initiates by taking my shorts off and begins to stroke my penis, then she gives me oral. At noon we have our almost daily “afternoon nude nap.” I initiate by kissing, hugging and caressing her sexually, she responds by stroking me and doing oral. At night she gets in bed after me while I read a passage out of a marriage book. I love her to move over to my side and initiate by stroking me and doing oral. (I try to initiate by doing oral on my wife, but so far she is resistant.) Sometimes we are still at it until 2 a.m. I told her I am always ready, and I guess she is testing me to see if it is true. My wife says, “Thank you Jay Dee for the encouragement.”
2. I ask if we can or send a sexy text or just go for the “goods”
3. For Him to ask me and definitely a massage on my back
When I initiate sex I try to start a few hours before bed by being playful with her by whispering what I’m going to do to her in bed, casual touches on different parts of her body, and a good slow massage at bedtime.
When she’s initiating, she’ll flash her breasts at me at different times to get my attention, then while we’re watching TV she’ll reach over and touch and grab by man parts just to get me worked up.
This past week I discovered she really really likes light but firm slaps on the butt during sex… it’s amazing that after 21 yrs of marriage I’m still discovering new things about my wife 🙂
Im a man. Im always ready and im always complimenting her , and showing her that she is she one and only. That she is the woman in my mind , that any and all of my thought or fantasies are of her.alone maybe 23 years ago i msde a concience decisiob to do thst , i offer massage ,margarita a hotel , or cabin . But no matter what or how i initiate sex , she is stiff rigid , ackward, to thr point of frustration that renders any erection within a miles radius of her efforts to be non existan, and usesless for hours. And the few times she has initiated sex it is without any fore play , and directly to intercourse and usually she has on a bra and shirt ,clothes removred to the point where insertion is possible, i csll it CHEATER SEX , AS QUICK AS POSSIBLE, AND ABLE TO BE FULLY DRESSED IN A FLASH, , , IT WAS VERY DIFFERENT ONCE, AND VERY PLEASING, SOME WAY , MY WIFE HAS BECOME A MALIGNANT, AND TOXIC SOCIOPATH AND OR S NARCISSIST THAT IS CAPEABLE OF MAKING THE SPECTRUME BECOME LARGER, I RESLLY NEED SOME HELP AND OF COURSE SEX AND INTAMACY FROM HER
1. I’m a guy
2. I prefer to initiate by massaging or stealing articles of clothing or saying “I’m gonna give you at least on orgasm tonight.”
3. It’s rare but she’s working on it. She shows up naked, or starts cuddling and kissing and if she doesn’t fall asleep (we have 3 kids under 4y/o) her hand eventually ends up between my legs.
I am a woman I like to initiate sex by dropping down and giving my husband oral. I shower before as well. I like for my spouse to initiate sex by coming from behind and play with my lady bits. I stopped initiating. But when my husband and I start our session we start by me giving him oral.
I rub his back and then move the massage lower and lower until he rolls over. Then. I start at his testicles and move up.
I would like for him to just stop waiting for me to initiate and reach out..
Typicaly I initiate by asking if we can when feeling fairly deserrate. Wife prefers me asking or sometimes offers when she knows we haven’t had sex for a while. This is so she can mentally prepare. No other method has been received well.
I would love to set the stage in advance through verbal and or flirty hints, touch, text, notes, direct physical kissing and suggestive touching. It would be even better if she would initiate by any method other than simply saying we can tonight. It would be really great to simply have her start unexpected foreplay, play with my man parts, kiss me, etc.
2. I don’t initiate because I don’t think she ever wants sex. If she comes to bed without her pants (once a week out of obligation) then I know we will have sex
3. Would be great if she verbalized it, or touch me.
We’ve fought about sex many times. She just doesn’t need or want it. Oh, well.
First, thank you for saying that there are two “sides” to what constitutes initiation. Light bulb moment for me to be sure. I define initiation as the act that starts sex that moment, but I think my husband initiates earlier in the day, because we both feel like we are doing to majority of initiating and this is my aha! moment as to why we feel that way. He is fairly assertive in expressing his desire on his lunch break, for example, when we don’t have time for sex, but then I feel like there is nothing later that night and I have to initiate or else it doesn’t happen. Some of this may also feel safer for him, less risk of rejection (which is hard when there is very little or NO risk of rejection anymore, but I think those habits die hard). Anyway, to me making out and groping over lunch break does not count as initiating because sex cannot happen then and there. But if that does count for my hubby, I need to be aware of that.
2. I often initiate by asking “Whatcha doing?” in a very specific intonation that lets him know he should be doing something else, aka, me. I often climb on his lap and straddle him if I can’t get his attention (phone or TV). If we are already in bed, I run my fingers over his skin and eventually head south, or I just straddle him. All in all, I’m not very subtle, LOL!
3. I wish he would be more assertive and initiate the act of sex the way he expresses physical affection and desire over lunch break—kissing, eventually groping, leading me upstairs and gently taking off my clothes a piece at a time while kissing. (Him undressing me so sexy.) But every once in a while I’m one of those gals that would like to be ravished. Pressed against the wall or “thrown” onto the bed like he can’t wait another second with not a whole lot of initiating.
Your comments are always well thought out. Keep it up