Can my wife get addicted to sex toys?

Jay Dee

Can my wife get addicted to sex toys?

Jan 08, 2016

I received an email last night with this question: I’ve often wanted to use some sex toys in our relationship to just have fun experimenting.  To mix it up a little. I worry though that my wife will need this type of stimulation all the time

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Anonymous QuestionI received an email last night with this question:

I’ve often wanted to use some sex toys in our relationship to just have fun experimenting.  To mix it up a little. I worry though that my wife will need this type of stimulation all the time then to orgasm. Do women become addicted to these types of stimulation or does it just cause her to enjoy orgasms more often in general and in different ways? I don’t want to be replaced!

So, I asked if I could answer it in a post, because I think a lot of people have this question.  I’m hoping I can get my wife’s perspective on this, so if you see her comments, you’ll know I succeeded.

Sex toys are fun, in my experience, as the husband, and we use them fairly frequently.  At different times, we use them more or less, or different kinds more or less.  For example, during the last pregnancy, we don’t use many at all, because my wife tends to be very orgasmic while pregnant.  Right now (10 months post pregnancy), we use them a lot, because she’s suddenly become not very orgasmic.  This is likely partially due to some recovery from birthing still, some from breastfeeding (which tends to affect your libido and arousal), some stress from so many kids (which produces cortisol which inhibits dopamine and nitric oxide, which is necessary for arousal), and some lack of sleep, which is also bad for libido and arousal.  However, I have never been concerned that she was addicted to sex toys.  But, at no point as she ever said “I prefer the toy to you”. Toys are fun to have in the bedroom. They add variety and if you’re a wife who is having difficulty getting the orgasm it can be a real help to achieve that. Like Jay said, I never prefer them to him, I rather like the actual sex part of our time together and will always prefer that to the toys, but sometimes they are needed.

Now, there are times when she’s asked for a toy, because she’s not able to achieve orgasm without one that time, but it’s always seemingly with some bit of reluctance, and she has always said that she much prefers me to toys.  But, that doesn’t mean that I’m as effective sometimes.  Let’s face it, I don’t vibrate. It’s with reluctance because I miss the days of being able to orgasm without the aid of toys, like Jay said, my body is going and has gone through a lot, and our life circumstances just make it difficult. So admitting that I NEED a toy to orgasm is like admitting defeat. But I am so grateful that Jay loves to give me pleasure in any means necessary to get me there.

Now, that’s not to say she couldn’t become addicted to sex toys.  I don’t know if sex toy addiction is a real thing or not, but I do know that we get used to orgasming in a certain way, if we do it all the time.  So, can it happen, yeah, I’d think theoretically it could, though I’ve never experienced in our marriage. I have never thought to myself that I need to sneak into the bedroom and use the toy for a little while, or that sex has become a time to play with the toy rather then focusing on enjoying our time together. I’ve never thought about it like,when is my next chance to use it.

And I complete understand the feeling of not wanting to be replaced.  A lot of men have this fear.  However, I think of it this way.  It’s a tool.  Men likes tools, at least most do, and we don’t usually dread being replaced by our tools.  Why not?  I mean, my wife can use my screwdriver.  She does occasionally, but she seems to prefer me to use it.  She seems to like me fixing things around the house.  I think part of it is because it’s one less thing she has to do, but I think there’s also a part that makes her feel cared for.  But, at no point do I think “well, the screwdriver is going to replace me”.  Or that someone else could walk in, pick up my tools and replace me in the family.  Now, that’s a oversimplification of course, but there are some parallels. This is a good point. It’s just a tool.

For sex toys, again, it’s a tool.  I use it to give my wife pleasure.  Yes, someone else could walk in and use the same thing, but I’m not worried about that.  She can use it herself, but since we always share our sexual experiences together, I know I’m still a necessary part of the equation.  Like she said, she’s not sneaking off to have time with the sex toy.  She’s sneaking off to have time with me…and we use the sex toy to enhance that.  She’s not dragging me to the bedroom to have an excuse to play with her toy.  If I ever felt that she was more interested in the sex toy than in me, then I’d put a stop to it.

And, when possible, we make sure, from time to time, that she can still orgasm without a sex toy.  At different stages of our life, this happens more or less frequently.  At the moment, less, because, as I said, orgasms are very hard to achieve for her.  But, I’m confident that eventually we’ll use them less, though I doubt we’ll ever shelve them for good.  They’re just too much fun. I couldn’t imagine not having them now. 

Those of you who use sex toys, I’d love to hear your perspective below, in the comments, especially from wives.  Do you feel like you’re addicted to sex toys?

37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex

37 sex questions for spouses to ask each other

Subscribe to get the 2 page PDF full of questions to help you and your spouse start to talk about your sex life.

We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

16 thoughts on “Can my wife get addicted to sex toys?”

  1. Kevin says:

    My wife and I love using sex toys. We merely use them to supplement the fun. She always wants my penis, my finger or my tongue, but when I can’t make it happen, they can. She loves her toys, but we do go in stages also.

    1. Norah says:

      How is that possible that the toy can when you can’t. I’m not trying to be mean I just want to know, I have no experience in this area. If I get the courage again to ask my husband I would love some info to give him.

      1. Kevin says:

        Norah,
        The majority of the time (95%), my wife doesn’t have a vaginal or G-spot orgasms. Who knows, maybe if I did it for 45 minutes or I was bigger, it would happen, but that isn’t the norm. So a lot of times she will use the toy on her clit while I’m inside her. The toy vibrates a lot faster and on a nice continues basis, unlike my hand or finger that might get tired as she is getting close. Sometimes I use my finger, but she loves the toy because she can control it to her liking by changing the speed of the vibration.

        I will say I used to have a complex about not being able to make her cum every time with my penis, but I’ve gotten over myself and found that I can do it using her toys or my tongue. Wish you guys the best Norah.

        1. Norah says:

          Thank you for responding. He is just totally against toys at this point in life. Who knows maybe at another time he will be. I can usually orgasm with me being on top not always but at times and almost 99 to 100% from oral and hand penetration. But I’m usually so worked up it doesn’t take much. I just want to add something different. I can’t get him to see that. I would NEVER want to replace him. But thank you.

          1. WilsonsKM says:

            Norah,

            My wife and I have been married for just over 20 years, so I COMPLETELY understand what you are talking about. Although I seem to be one that is up for more change in ours. I’m just trying to keep it fun, sometimes she doesn’t always see it like that.

  2. Norah says:

    This post VERY MUCH hit home. However I’m scared to death to even mention it. I think at this point he is tired of me asking to try toys. It’s not even the fact that I have hard time orgasming because I don’t. It usually happens very easily and quickly be it from oral, hand or penetration. However I just want to try something different in our love making. It freaks him out to add toys. And yes I think he thinks all those things this husband has a fear of. He has even said them. “Sigh.” At this point I just want to add something fun. A game, dice, feather, ties just something. Help!!! I don’t know what to say anymore. Also what makes it easy for the toy to help orgasm more than non toy stimulation? Is it the vibrating on the clitoris or something. Does it feel different than a non toy orgasm? I don’t know I’ve never even seen a vibrator in person let alone tried one. Oh and thank you Christina for contributing to the post. Love reading purple comments in the post.

  3. JAMES says:

    I would say that the toy does not have to replace the husbands penis… It is just fun to have a toy to mess around with and play with around the wife’s vagina… My wife does not like the feel of the vibrator and does not need one to come to orgasm… She is very highly orgasmic and and only needs me to play with her clit and lips and within 5 min she is in a full blown orgasm…. For me it is just fun to play with a toy down there and i I like to see it going in and out of the wife while i play with her. She does really like to feel my penis in her though over a toy, but we do have 2 toys that we like to play with from time to time.

  4. Dee says:

    To answer the question – YES, a woman can get addicted to a toy. The same way a man can get addicted to masturbation. Once a person develops a certain rhythm, a certain pressure, a certain ‘way’, then that ‘way’ can desensitize them to the natural way. God give women the ability to orgasm, sometimes mutiple times, or not. So what if it takes longer. Duh, God meant for it take longer or He wouldn’t have made it that way. I would recommend the book “She Comes First” with the caveat that this is NOT a Christian book. The language is very offensive, but scores it an A+ for ‘know how’. I am very much against the use of toys or self sex, but am very positive for exploring which ways mutual satisfaction can be had.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Sometimes, no amount of time achieves orgasm. I’m not sure God intended for that.

      1. Winston says:

        This right here. We use toys on a regular basis because my wife suffers from difficulty achieving orgasm. Like 30-45 minutes of foreplay plus sex to climax for me then 30-45 minutes of manual stimulation to MAYBE get her to climax. So we got some toys. Now we can cut the after sex stimulation down to 15-20 minutes.

  5. Alex says:

    My wife and I use a variety of toys. As far as I’ve known, she’s always had a vibrator. We’ve been married for almost 16 years and she’s had a vibrator that entire time and before it, too. We also have a few dildos. Anyway, none of the toys we’ve ever owned has gotten in the way of our sex life. I know she uses her toys when alone and that’s fine. But they have always enhanced and not taken away.

  6. Kay says:

    My story is very similar to yours and Christina’s, Jay. My husband and I had not used any toys previously, but after our third daughter was born (20 months ago), orgasm was impossible for those first couple of months, which, like Christina, was very hard after a highly orgasmic pregnancy.

    Could this fear of toys have to do with a man’s confidence in his sexuality? I don’t mean that to sound harsh, so let me explain. My husband was devastated by my loss of pleasure after our daughter’s birth, not because he felt insecure about his performance but because he wanted me to have that pleasure again. He introduced the idea of some toys to try and help in this area, and I finally agreed. They certainly enhanced our times of intimacy but I still never preferred the toys over him. The orgasm was never the same, but it was the only way during that time until my hormones regulated. My husband is very confident in his sexuality and he loved bringing toys into the bedroom.

    Whereas I was also talking to my best friend who was also having trouble after childbirth and she introduced to the idea to her husband and he immediately freaked out and was devastated that he wasn’t good enough in bed for her. It took him a very long time to come around, though he did eventually and their sex life has improved greatly as a result. They discussed some guidelines to make sure they never became dependent on a toy but that there were times it can be very useful and can really enhance pleasure. I was just very struck by the two different reactions to toys from our two husbands and at least in these two cases, insecurity played a huge role in why my friend’s husband was not willing to go there at first.

  7. J. Parker says:

    I agree that marital aids can be helpful, and perhaps even necessary, for some couples. However, I honestly think our culture is too quick to grab the sex toy to get things going or “enhance” the experience. Many spouses would do better to learn a few new tricks rather than grab for the “tool.” Sometimes new techniques, positions, etc. can help with orgasm difficulties.

    That said, I don’t think it’s wrong, and I know some couples certainly benefit from such helps.

  8. libl says:

    I do believe a person is more likely to become addicted to a toy, or prefer a toy if they are sexually/orgasmically selfish, or their marriage/marriage bed is rocky.

    Hubby mentioned a vibrator for me a couple of times, but in the context of me using it to “leave him alone”.

    As it stands in our marriage right now, 80-90% of my orgasms happen through solo masturbation. 10-20% happen through masturbation during sex with hubby. A very minute percentage I actually do orgasm through intercourse. Once in a blue moon conditions are right for that to happen. This is because my husband has no interest in bringing me to orgasm himself, even with a toy.

    I would rather NOT solo masturbate, and am working on stopping, but my husband is almost never available when my body says NOW. And many times he just gets his and I am left to fend for myself….and he is ok with that.

    I used to masturbate with him there and aware, but it made things worse. Either he ignored it, or took credit for it.

    I think bringing in toys would be a huge detriment.

  9. jack says:

    I feel that toys completely enhance our sex life. She got a vib shortly after marriage because we were tired of using the lubs. Once she vibs, the orgasmed come and with that the natural moisture comes. It has helped our sex life and I don’t feel like it has left me out of the picture. She knows the sex isn’t complete without me going in her. I would recommend them to anyone for sure!

  10. Anonymous says:

    I think she would first have to actually have and use toys to be addicted to them. Because you cant become addicted to something that is expressly forbidden in the marriage bed. I wish she would think differently, but since God didnt make plastic parts to go inside there, they are clearly outside his defined boundaries…or so her thinking goes. 🙁

Share your thoughts