I received an email last night with this question:
I’ve often wanted to use some sex toys in our relationship to just have fun experimenting. To mix it up a little. I worry though that my wife will need this type of stimulation all the time then to orgasm. Do women become addicted to these types of stimulation or does it just cause her to enjoy orgasms more often in general and in different ways? I don’t want to be replaced!
So, I asked if I could answer it in a post, because I think a lot of people have this question. I’m hoping I can get my wife’s perspective on this, so if you see her comments, you’ll know I succeeded.
Sex toys are fun, in my experience, as the husband, and we use them fairly frequently. At different times, we use them more or less, or different kinds more or less. For example, during the last pregnancy, we don’t use many at all, because my wife tends to be very orgasmic while pregnant. Right now (10 months post pregnancy), we use them a lot, because she’s suddenly become not very orgasmic. This is likely partially due to some recovery from birthing still, some from breastfeeding (which tends to affect your libido and arousal), some stress from so many kids (which produces cortisol which inhibits dopamine and nitric oxide, which is necessary for arousal), and some lack of sleep, which is also bad for libido and arousal. However, I have never been concerned that she was addicted to sex toys. But, at no point as she ever said “I prefer the toy to you”. Toys are fun to have in the bedroom. They add variety and if you’re a wife who is having difficulty getting the orgasm it can be a real help to achieve that. Like Jay said, I never prefer them to him, I rather like the actual sex part of our time together and will always prefer that to the toys, but sometimes they are needed.
Now, there are times when she’s asked for a toy, because she’s not able to achieve orgasm without one that time, but it’s always seemingly with some bit of reluctance, and she has always said that she much prefers me to toys. But, that doesn’t mean that I’m as effective sometimes. Let’s face it, I don’t vibrate. It’s with reluctance because I miss the days of being able to orgasm without the aid of toys, like Jay said, my body is going and has gone through a lot, and our life circumstances just make it difficult. So admitting that I NEED a toy to orgasm is like admitting defeat. But I am so grateful that Jay loves to give me pleasure in any means necessary to get me there.
Now, that’s not to say she couldn’t become addicted to sex toys. I don’t know if sex toy addiction is a real thing or not, but I do know that we get used to orgasming in a certain way, if we do it all the time. So, can it happen, yeah, I’d think theoretically it could, though I’ve never experienced in our marriage. I have never thought to myself that I need to sneak into the bedroom and use the toy for a little while, or that sex has become a time to play with the toy rather then focusing on enjoying our time together. I’ve never thought about it like,when is my next chance to use it.
And I complete understand the feeling of not wanting to be replaced. A lot of men have this fear. However, I think of it this way. It’s a tool. Men likes tools, at least most do, and we don’t usually dread being replaced by our tools. Why not? I mean, my wife can use my screwdriver. She does occasionally, but she seems to prefer me to use it. She seems to like me fixing things around the house. I think part of it is because it’s one less thing she has to do, but I think there’s also a part that makes her feel cared for. But, at no point do I think “well, the screwdriver is going to replace me”. Or that someone else could walk in, pick up my tools and replace me in the family. Now, that’s a oversimplification of course, but there are some parallels. This is a good point. It’s just a tool.
For sex toys, again, it’s a tool. I use it to give my wife pleasure. Yes, someone else could walk in and use the same thing, but I’m not worried about that. She can use it herself, but since we always share our sexual experiences together, I know I’m still a necessary part of the equation. Like she said, she’s not sneaking off to have time with the sex toy. She’s sneaking off to have time with me…and we use the sex toy to enhance that. She’s not dragging me to the bedroom to have an excuse to play with her toy. If I ever felt that she was more interested in the sex toy than in me, then I’d put a stop to it.
And, when possible, we make sure, from time to time, that she can still orgasm without a sex toy. At different stages of our life, this happens more or less frequently. At the moment, less, because, as I said, orgasms are very hard to achieve for her. But, I’m confident that eventually we’ll use them less, though I doubt we’ll ever shelve them for good. They’re just too much fun. I couldn’t imagine not having them now.
Those of you who use sex toys, I’d love to hear your perspective below, in the comments, especially from wives. Do you feel like you’re addicted to sex toys?