Are you actually upset about what happened, or just hungry, angry, lonely or tired?

Often the fights we have as couples aren’t about what we think they are.  Because while we think we’re fighting about respect, sex, tone, in-laws, money, kids or anything else under the sun, often the real issue is far less dramatic.

Sometimes it’s just physiology.  Before a disagreement turns into an argument (or whenever you “wake up” enough to think “how did this become a fight?!”), there’s a simple checklist worth running first:

HALT.

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

What Is the HALT Principle?

HALT comes from addiction recovery communities, where people are taught to recognize vulnerable states before they make destructive choices. The idea is simple: when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, your decision-making ability drops and your impulse control weakens.

In recovery, ignoring those states can lead to relapse.

In marriage, ignoring those states can lead to unnecessary conflict.

The principle works because it addresses the nervous system first. When your body is dysregulated, your brain interprets normal interactions as threats. What feels like a major relationship issue may actually be a biological one.

In other words, you are biologically less capable of loving well because our nervous system is focused on survival – not happiness or productivity.

Hungry: The Most Overlooked Marriage Problem

Low blood sugar increases cortisol, the stress hormone.

Cortisol makes you defensive.
Defensiveness escalates conflict.

I have watched couples fight intensely… and then calm down completely after dinner.  I’ve experienced this in my own marriage as well.  My wife’s family all tend to suffer a bit from hypoglycemia – waiting for the meal to start at a family dinner with all of them is like listening to a fuse burn down, not knowing how long until it explodes.

If the food shows up before something blows up, then everything is okay.

Not because the issue disappeared.
Because their nervous systems stabilized.

Before you rebuke the enemy, eat a sandwich.

Low blood sugar is not spiritual warfare.

Angry: Don’t Solve a Problem While Your Brain Is in Fight Mode

Ephesians 4:26 says:

“Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” NKJV

It doesn’t say you can’t be angry – Jesus got angry.  God gets angry.  It’s not sinful to be angry.  It says when you’re angry, do not sin, because it’s very easy to do.

Anger shrinks your thinking capacity because when you’re emotionally flooded, your brain downregulates the logical part of the brain and upregulates the emotional part of the brain.  They generally don’t work together – if one is on, the other is off, and when your emotional center is lit up, it narrows your perception and it tends to make everyone close to you look like a threat – including your spouse.

As a result, you do not resolve conflict well while in fight mode or flight mode, so don’t try.
Reset first – find a way to calm down, whatever works for you. 

Then you talk.

Note to husbands: telling your wife to “calm down” almost never works – hugs tend to work better.

Lonely: When Disconnection Feels Like Rejection

Loneliness can also increase sensitivity – especially if you have ADHD which tends to come with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.

If you feel disconnected, then a neutral comment can feel like criticism.  Your spouse not being in the mood for sex might feel like abandonment.  When you feel lonely, when your oxytocin levels are low, it’s much harder to assume your spouse loves you.

Sometimes what you need is connection more than anything else.

Touch first.
As for a hug.
Sit closer.
Pray together.
Then talk.

Tired: Exhaustion Is a Marriage Amplifier

Sleep deprivation just makes everything worse.  In a lot of jurisdictions you can actually get charged for driving while sleep deprived because it impacts you in a similar way to alcohol and drugs.  Sleep deprivation lowers emotional regulation and increases irritability.

You will say things when you’re tired that you never would have said when you’re well rested.  You will interpret tone negatively when exhausted. 

So, don’t do it.  Don’t try to resolve conflict, don’t try to talk about complicated plans, don’t try to tackle anything complex or emotionally heavy.

Most things don’t have to be dealt with right now – sleep on it and talk about it tomorrow.

Not Everything Is Spiritual Warfare

Yes, marriage has a spiritual component, and yes, Satan attacks marriages, but not everything is a demonic attack.  I mean, he doesn’t really have to try if you’re doing it for him.

Sometimes:

• You need food.
• You need 20 minutes to cool down.
• You need connection.
• You need sleep.

God designed your body to require these things and ignoring them doesn’t make you more spiritual.  In fact, it rejects the body God created and so I’d argue it makes you less spiritually minded.

A Simple Marriage Rule

So, before you try to resolve conflict, ask:

Have we eaten?
Are we regulated?
Are we connected?
Are we exhausted?

If the answer to any is yes, address that first and hold off on the conflict resolution.  

You would be surprised how many “marriage problems” disappear after HALT.