Every so often, I get an anonymous question from a reader, and sometimes I write a post (like Should Christians mix alcohol and sex?) in response. Sometimes I conduct a survey, then write a post in response (like Does my husband still find me attractive). Sometimes the question has already been answered, and then I don’t know what to do. I can’t respond directly saying “hey, look here”, so I hope they continued searching and found the post exactly about what they are asking. And sometimes, like today, I get a question that is related to something I’ve written a post on, but perhaps I didn’t answer their specific question.
So, I’m going to start a sort of … series? Feature? I’m not sure what to call it, where I answer these anonymous questions. They probably won’t be as lengthy (or long winded) as my other posts, and I’m going to use the same graphic for all of them to make responding to them easier (because making all those images takes time too), but I’m going to do my best to respond within a week to these anonymous questions (you can submit one on our Have a Question page).
A couple of days ago, I received the following submission from our anonymous question page:
Jay Dee, thanks for continuing to tackle the more challenging/least discussed topics on sex. Our marriage has benefited from simply having a starting point for conversations, so thank you. The question I have is somewhat of an extension to your posts on bondage, which we found very informative. We’ve yet to find anyone in the Christian blogsphere discussing it, so we thought you’d probably be the most open to address it. Anyway, what are your thoughts about the wife wanting to be gagged while tied up? We don’t engage in anything that’s painful or would require a safe word, so there’s not an issue with safety or anything abusive. Her thought is that it’s simply a strong symbol of her submission and trust. For me, I’ve grown to enjoy the look and the sounds, but we’re constantly evaluating if our sexual activities are honoring God. Our current stance is that neither feel it’s out of bounds, but it’s not like it’s something we can gather other perspectives about from friends.
First off, thank you for the encouragement. Comments like these spur Christina and me on. It’s nice to hear we’re having a positive impact on marriages.
Secondly, I think you basically answered your own question. As you’ve said, I’ve written a couple posts on the topic of bondage in the past (My wife wants me to tie her up?! and Beginner Bondage Questions). Now, personally, I would agree it’s not out of bounds, though it’s not something we’ve tried ourselves. I see it sort of this way:
There are times where sex needs to be quiet. Perhaps you are visiting in another person’s home, or they visiting in yours. Or the kids are still awake. Or a dozen other reasons. In times like these, we decide to remain quiet. I’m not sure what the difference is between deciding to remain quiet, or deciding to be made to remain quiet.
As you’ve said, your wife wants to be gagged, so it’s her own choice: there is no forcing against her will and you’ve addressed the question about a safe word
As with being tied up, taking away your ability to speak can increase trust and express her attitude of submission. In this way, it can, potentially, increase intimacy
So, does it honor God? I think, since it seems to be increasing intimacy in your marriage, then yes, it can definitely honor God. I just want to caution against changing the activity into a fetish: an act you require in order to enjoy sex, but that can go for any activity in the marriage bed.
I hope this answers your question satisfactorily.