Received another anonymous question through our Have A Question page. This one will be short, because I’ve already addressed it in Should Christians read erotic literature, but, I think people might search for this question, so I’m willing to make a short new post for it.
Is it wrong to watch a movie like fifty shades of gray with your husband with the intentions of spicing up your sex life together? I have no intentions to see it with other women or to lust after Christian Gray, my husband is far better. But he and I have contemplated seeing it together, most likely DVD in our own home, to add another element of spice to our relationship.
This is an argument I saw come up a lot when I posted Should Christians read erotic literature? What if you are both okay with it, and you are only doing it to “spice up” your relationship? It’s the same argument I’ve heard from people in open marriages, and I wrote about that in Is it still adultery if my spouse if you have permission? There is this idea that it’s okay if both spouses are okay with it, and if you are doing it to spice up your relationship.
Unfortunately, you can’t be protected by sin just because you are both okay with it, or because you have an “ends justify the means” attitude. You’re still going to be exposed to it, you are still inviting others into your marriage bed and using something besides your spouse to arouse you. But there are a number of Christians who will claim that 50 Shades of Grey is a good thing, that porn is beneficial to your marriage, then swinging can really bring life to your Christian marriage bed. Someone posted this verse yesterday:
For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.
2 Timothy 4:3
The Bible predicts that Christians will set aside it’s precepts in order to suit our own fancies, to satisfy our lusts. I think this is what is happening. Christianity is being watered down, and deceived, often from the inside, about this topic. I’m curious if the Christians that belief that watching 50 Shades of Grey is okay, “to spice up the relationship”, also believe that watching porn is okay. What about watching other people have sex in front of you? Where is the line, and why?
I know, it’s hard to fight, particularly when your low-drive spouse is suddenly interested in sex again, or when sex suddenly becomes more interesting, as a low-drive spouse. But think about where this new found sexuality is coming from. What’s the cause? It’s a temporary fix that you’re going to need to reach for again to reach the same feeling. Wouldn’t you rather deal with the real issues in your marriage and have an everlasting cause? Work towards a passionate marriage, not just a passionate movie night.
For me, my line is never involving others in my sex life, because that’s what I believe the Bible teaches: focusing all your sexual energy on your spouse. What’s your boundary, and why?
19 thoughts on “Is it wrong for Christians to watch 50 Shades of Grey with their spouse?”
I cannot agree more.
“It’s a temporary fix that you’re going to need to reach for again to reach the same feeling. Wouldn’t you rather deal with the real issues in your marriage and have an everlasting cause? Work towards a passionate marriage, not just a passionate movie night.” (!!)
Why is it so hard to deal with the real issues, I wonder? It takes vulnerability and time and effort and pain and humility and honest and focus… True, deep intimacy is not easily won but it also is not easily lost. Shallow intimacy I dare say may be.
Well I’m sorry if you disagree but we saw 50 Shades and it was much less than most that we seein most movies.
Was it Right/Wrong? To each his own, didn’t see anything wrong in my opinion…..sex outside of marriage was about only thig we saw. Did they agree?? It was ok with them, who is suppose to JUDGE???
We are supposed to judge. Judge behaviors, not the heart.
In John 7:24, Jesus tells us “Judge with right judgement”.
Matthew 18:15-17 is all about judging behaviors and showing your brother his fault.
1 Corinthians 5:12-13 tells us to judge the wicked people from among our own churches.
1 Corinthians 6:2-18 tells us that the saints (Christians) will judge the world.
Leviticus 19:15 tells us to judge impartially.
The Bible is clear that we are to judge, to discern right from wrong. Not only that, but we need to rebuke others when we judge them to be sinning:
1 Timothy 5:20
If we fail to do so… well, Ezekiel 33:8 has some words on what our fate is to be.
So, who is supposed to judge? We are. If we don’t…we fail in showing brotherly love to those that have been deceived.
The biggest Judge above us all…GOD-will judge us one day. If we as Christians know that it’s wrong to have sex outside of marriage. It’s not ok if others think it’s ok. I think movies like this send the wrong message in any event and “sex outside of marriage was about only thig we saw” the only thing you did see was wrong anyway. So with all the madness going around about this movie worldwide, I’ll choose to not watch it! And agree completely with the author of this page “You’re still going to be exposed to it, you are still inviting others into your marriage bed and using something besides your spouse to arouse you”!!!!
How ridiculous, I think there is nothing wrong with a bit of sex in movies and what do you do if a program your watching shows nudity? Close your eyes.
Come on people, we are all sexual beings and we are all curious about sex, and this rubbish that your inviting people into your sex life is really daft.
Liven up people, sex is great, if we all had sex we would be a lot less miserable.
I feel Christians today are playing the role of Judge, I always thought that was GODS job… Even to Pope says “Who am I to judge” who by the way, even tough I an not Catholic, feel he is the first Pope that fits the role.
100% agree! To add something to what you said…not only is it something that you have to keep reaching for again and again…your reaction will dull & you’ll look for more screaming, more hitting, more violence, harder sex type stuff. I have counseled women who were married to men like Mr Grey…and it’s horrible to hear their broken hearts. They have kids with these men they have to protect but can hardly get out of bed in the morning.
I thought porn was a good way to spice up my marriage…and then it didn’t. Sexual sin is a horrible horrible tragedy for a marriage. Please don’t invite in that temptation!!!!
Somebody should take the exact same movie script word for word and film it as a horror movie and release it on Oct 31st.
These days there is a tendency amongst Christians to use the word “judge” in almost every circumstance. We no longer tell each other the truth as “we will be judging” the other person. If you correct someone you are told that you are judging them. I would rather surround myself with friends who correct me when I am wrong than with ones who are reluctant to correct me thinking they might be judging me. I speak from experience, the images that you saw in that movie will be flashing in your mind while you are being intimate with your spouse!
We have not seen it, nor do we have any desire to see it, there is plenty of other garbage out there that we dont have to pay good money to pollute ourselves even more. We did however see a wonderful movie that was well worth the money, and that was “Old Fashioned”. This was a wonderful well done Christian mande movie that our pastors and others in leadership need to help promote by suggesting people go and support instead of that garbage. Go and check out the trailer online!
What’s the link? What movie? Count me in!
I think he’s talking about a movie called Old Fashioned. You can view the trailer here. I haven’t seen it yet I’m afraid, so can’t vouch for it.
That s the movie-its not playing everywhere but it is well worth it if you have to travel a bit to see it. I do want to say the showing we went to was sold out so plan for that.
JD, you are not only 100% correct, you are a 1000% on the ball! Why do Christian couples believe we need sexual aids like porno films, adult themed movies or even shifting to worldly lifestyles such as swinging & consensual voyeurism to spice up our marriage relationships? Did not Our Lord Jesus Christ warn “wherefore, they are no more two but one flesh. What, therefore, God has put together, let not man put asunder”(Matt.19: 3-6) . God in his wisdom has already provided a means by which we as his children can have satisfying sexual relationships. They are called ” nocturnal emissions” or as they are more well known as “wet dreams”. Who has not had a spicy wet dream that got one spouse or another curious enough to incorporate what they dreamed into their love life? The other ability is called “imagination”! If many married christian couples would just think about what they can incorporate into their sexlives that can make it even spicier & more satisfying, they will be amazed at the ideas their own brains can provide! Or better yet, here’s a novel idea; TALK TO GOD about it! Do we really believe Almighty God who made sex for us in the 1st place is so divine he cannot supply suggestions & answers on how to spice up our love lives? Oh please! Who is a better sex expert than he is?! If we need to spice up our sex lives as Christians, we do not & should not need to turn to 50 shades or R rated themed movies with sensuous sex scenes, adult movies with even spicier scenes, or alternative lifestyles that WE WANT to Believe will make our sexlives even better. Using God’s love , wisdom ,& guidance and our own common sense can and should help us have beautiful satisfying sex lives! However, let me throw out one suggestion. If a Christian couple truly wants to spice up their sex life, plan ahead & once agreed upon, make the time to get home from your job during your lunch break( depending on the distance from where you work & live), and just have ac”sex lunch”. I am certain that will spice up things a lot. And also if the Christian couple agrees to it, make your own “adult” films where you can see your own selves in sex action. What could be a better turn on than watching yourselves having sex with each other!!
greville constantine, I expect most of your questions are rhetorical, but I’m going to tackle some of them anyway.
Who hasn’t been inspired by dreams to try new things? — I haven’t. After years in a sexless marriage I haven’t even had plain old vanilla in long time. Dreams are not a reliable motivator in my experience.
On using imagination — It sounds like a good idea, but Christian history has not been friendly towards this. “missionary position” is so named because Christian missionaries of the day declared it to be the only heaven approved – church sanctioned sexual position. It also seems like we try to squash any sexual imagination from youth and singles so that they don’t “lust” after sex.
On whether God is “too divine” to be bothered by what is happening in the marriage bed. — I believe that there are a good many – if not most – Christians believe that sex is too earthly and depraved to be of any concern to God except in the ” try not to do it too much” sense.
I agree with what you are saying — It just seems to me that most of Christianity has spent a lot of its history trying to downplay and minimize any and all forms of sexual enjoyment. There are getting to be more and more (like you and JayDee and Paul Byerly and J and Julie Siebert and others) who are trying to understand and teach a more sex friendly God. Even Pope Jon Paul’s book “the Theology of the body” has some sex positive things to say (and — coming from the largest Christian denomination that can be significant). Maybe some day, all of Christianity will be as sex positive as you are, greville. Until them, I hope you and others keep preaching it.
I completely agree with you. I heard from a pastor, men have no business at looking at any other female nude, only their own wife.
Fine. That is also biblical in truth. But what about nonsexual nudist lifestyles where men & women mingle together without a hint of sexual passion between them? Many pastors say things out of context without deep investigation to see the real fact of a matter to prove their points.
I saw the movie. It was not to “spice things up” in my marriage. I did not use it as some sort of tool. In fact, it was not really arousing in my opinion at all. It was not a good movie. But it was not some life-altering experience that it going to destroy my marriage and my relationship with God. Nope. It’s still -just- a movie.
Not saying it can’t be damaging for some. Not saying it glorifies Jesus. Just saying that I weighed the “dangers”, made a decision, and moved on with my life.
OK JD!! I was waiting for your response and I am happy that we can agree on this point. The reason why too many Christians are uptight & uncomfortable about sexual matters is because the doctrine taught in many churches (& in Christianity in general) is based solely on Western Christian influence, mostly the White Anglo Saxon Protestant (W.A.S.Pian) influence the altered the genuine scriptural truths to cater to their ideology of cultural, economic, religious, & political dominance. Similar to what the Pharisees did by taking God’s Holylaw as rerevealed unto Moses & adding all their religious mysticism & ceremony to the law thus creating the TALMUD that many Jewish people subscribe to today as the standard for their faith. This Waspian dominance is why many people think the way they think in matters of class, gender equality , religion, and yes SEX. Just look at where JESUS taught about the Good Samaritan. 18th century slave traders blotted out that teaching or outrightly plain ignored it to justify enslaving 70-80 million people from Africa unto slavery. Mention this time period to many an ultra- conservative today, they get very defensive and irritable . So the same can be said about the subject of sexual expression.