Who’s influencing your thoughts?

Jay Dee

Who’s influencing your thoughts?

Apr 18, 2015

Last month my pastor did a sermon series on the life of David, and he brought out a point that I felt had applications in marriage.  It’s the idea of being careful who you listen to, because they can invade your thoughts, they can mess


Last month my pastor did a sermon series on the life of David, and he brought out a point that I felt had applications in marriage.  It’s the idea of being careful who you listen to, because they can invade your thoughts, they can mess with your mind, your perceptions and ultimately your decisions and behaviors.  Don’t remember that in the story of David?  Let me walk you through it.

The story can be found in 1 Samuel 17 if you want to read the entire thing (which I always suggest).  It starts of pretty slow.  The Philistine, enemies of Israel, invade their borders and so the king and his army go out to meet them.  The two armies set up camp and face each other across a valley and out comes a giant of a man 6 cubits and a span tall, which if memory serves is 6 times the length of your forearm, plus your hand.  Well, technically, the forearm and hand of the king at the time, but I think that gives a rough picture.

This giant of a man comes out and challenges the Israelite army to send out one man to face him.  Then he starts insulting them, their country, and their God.  The Israelites are terrified and do nothing and so this giant (Goliath) continues this challenge and insult, twice a day for 40 days.  By the time David, then a lowly shepherd boy, shows up to get the latest news, the army is cowering and has their spirits absolutely broken.  They had forgotten that they followed the Almighty God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, and instead listened to this Goliath who shouted insults at them day and night for over a month.

And I thought to myself, I’ve seen this happen in marriages as well.  In fact, just last month we had an exchange in the comments section of one of our posts where a yet unmarried young women declared that her married sisters and friends had all told her how bad sex is, and so she had resolved that she never wants to get married as a result.  Sadly, this happens in our Christian groups as well.  Christina, my wife, has told me that she’s sat in groups of Christian mothers while they complain about their husbands always wanting to have sex.  And I recall whenever my mother mentioned my dad “getting frisky” it was always with the same look that we got as kids when we came in covered head to toe in mud, as if it was yet another chore she had to deal with.

And if you aren’t careful, you start to listen to these perspectives, you start to take in the lies and the deception that they have already bought and are now selling.  I think that’s why we see verses like this in the Bible:

He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm.

– Proverbs 13:20


Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”

-1 Corinthians 15:33<

And the worst part is, this can come from those who should be our teachers.

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

-Titus 2:3-5

I’ve heard such sex-negative comments from wives, from deacons and elders, and sadly, even from pastors.  And it’s not just women, both genders are equally at fault in this.  While women tend to, in my experience, make the bulk of the sex-negative comments, men tend to take a different spin, often putting down their wife’s intelligence, wisdom, driving ability, or whatever.  In the end it starts to look more like a war, with wives on one side and husbands on other, with skirmishes happening in the homes, and children caught in the crossfire, doomed to be recruited into the war effort when they grow up.

And this tail end of the last verse repeats in my mind: “that the word of God may not be reviled”.  Our marriages are the laughing stock of the world.  They say our divorce rates are just as bad as theirs.  They make jokes about repressed Christian sexuality.  They stand in shock and disbelief when they hear about a “Christian sex toy store”, believe me, I’ve seen the discussions on reddit and other places.  They aren’t in shock and disbelief long, they start slinging insults pretty quick, making fun of the “misguided Christians”, and no wonder.  Because the sad thing is that while they spectate and watch this war between the sexes in Christianity, the devil sits back and laughs…because we’re really fighting his war, convincing the world that Christianity is a joke…

Your Turn

We’re always warned about what we see in movies, in TV shows, but I tell you, we need to be careful what we see and hear in our churches.  Not a week goes by that I don’t hear a spouse tearing down their husband or wife in church.  Now, granted, I’m on the lookout for it, and I’m doing my best to correct and counteract it, but I know I’m barely making a dent.  We need more people to redirect the war effort: to get husbands and wives back on the same team and fighting for sex-positive, Christian marriages.  Will you help me?  Start with your own marriage.  Show people a better way.  Then start correcting them when you see a teaching moment.  Yeah, you might get some push back, but you might save a marriage, in either this generation, or the next.

Looking for help?

12 thoughts on “Who’s influencing your thoughts?”

  1. lollipop man says:

    That’s a very good thawt the older women are supposed to teach the younger women to love their husbands and their children. I believe that’s one reason we have so much divorce and abortion today because of straying away from Gods plan for marriage

    1. Jay Dee says:

      I think older men should teach younger men how to love their wives too. It’s not explicitly stated, but it’s pretty strongly implied throughout the Bible.

    2. Kitt says:

      No, your statements are faulty. It’s not women straying away from the Word of God, that’s causing divorce, it’s men doing wrong and women doing wrong!! Don’t you dare place the blame on women only!! Marriage failure will not be placed on women. The failure of marriage is also because of the egotistical state of men/husbands’ minds towards women/wives. Men have become and were before now, lovers of themselves, where they have been promoting a lot of time to writing articles and producing other media that pushes man made notions such as:

      (” Males/men need so much sex and so much ego stroking, and they will cheat if they are not saturated with sex…… and women you better teach other females, young and old, how to worship men, even if you have made a choice to not get married…….and women, you all are so bad you are for questioning this…… Because you don’t have the right to express how you feel)

      Lollipop man:
      Marriage obligations go both ways. The husband has rsponsibilities also. Do you actually beleive what you wrote and tell yourself that it is only the wife who has to give to the husband? Exactly what do you think the husband is supposed to do, just sit back and strive for his own mental and physical needs to get satisfied by his wife? Do you actually believe that marriage is onesided? Do you actually believe that women are the only ones that are supposed to teach the younger ones how to treat the spouse and men should not teach younger men how to treat women/wives and prepare themselves for their roles as husbands?? Do you not beleive that wives have needs that ARE to be met by the husband?

      You see, there are a few other factors that drive the divorce rate up, and it has not a thing to do with something that wives are doing. I know, I do understand, that as a man filled with so much pride and ego, it makes some things difficult for you to believe.

      1. Jay Dee says:

        Hello Kitt, welcome back.

        No one said it was only women, this post wasn’t written about wives. It was gender neutral. It was written about spouses.
        I completely agree that wives have needs that are to be met by the husband. And as I said in my comment to lollipop man, yes, I agree men should teach younger men to love their wives as well. No one is disputing that, I don’t think.

  2. Jessica says:

    Wow, Jay! You are bringing some great truth here. My husband and I were just talking last night about the negative messages people hear about marriage and sex. And, that conversation started because a 22-year-old young lady I worked with told me she had a fear of marriage. Of course, I’m a big fan of marriage and told her so. I told her that marriage is a wonderful way to spend your life and that even when it is hard it is worth it. Maybe though, sex is part of (in her mind) what makes marriage scary.

    I can definitely remember a time when I was just a couple of months away from marriage where I had chuched ladies warning me to make sure I “rewarded my husband with sex when he did something right” and telling me things like, “Yeah, you’re excited now. Give it some time.” It really is horrible that people in the church are making marriage and sex sound so bad (generally speaking, of course. There are those that do a good job of speaking truth and beauty.).

    You are completely right. One message, one truth, and one marriage at a time, Christians have to work together to speak God’s truth about sex and marriage.

  3. curious says:

    Excellent post jay dee. It’s very easy to let the negativity enter our heads

  4. Heather says:

    I honestly feel sorry for anyone who believes that marriage and sex aren’t a wonderful gift from God! They take effort and self sacrifice sometimes, but the investment is worth it. Especially the young wife being told her husband was excited by her now… But wait. This is setting her up for rejection. And the idea of giving my husband sec when he’s done something right sounds a lot like manipulation and control. Thank you for this article! We need to realize out spouses and marriages are precious to God… We should learn and perhaps teach each other how to treat them that way.

  5. Lauren says:

    I would like to influence my friends, to help them learn about sex being good and not a chore; and also my children in the future when they are grown, about how sex is designed for marriage, and how great it can be and should be. I hear wives say all the time on mom boards or mom chats and groups online saying negative things about sex. I tried to educate them a little bit on how we should be enjoying their spouses and making love and I got a lot of flack for saying that. These wives were all saying sex is not a priority and they are tired etc. People need to prioritize their spouse and put then first emotionally and also sexually. When you love your spouse emotionally then it’s a good thing to connect physically together. I wish sex was a more approachable topic though. I remember in sex ed it was awkward and I truly wish they taught us everything about the love and bonding and uniting that sex brings. I wish they didn’t just discuss the biology and reproduction. No one educated me or influenced me and that’s really sad. Even my own mom. I wish she did. It just wasn’t spoken of. I even took the marriage classes to prep for wedding. Even those classes didn’t divulge into the spiritual and emotional and physical sex talk. I wish they did. We need to be influenced in positive ways. That is why I am going to be a great helper to friends, my sister. When they talk about their relationships now I will be one step closer to bringing up “how’s everything in the bedroom” in a non intrusive way. People will thank me. I will try to help others and influence them in positive way. I wish someone had Influenced me. I learned on my own though took trial and error to find what is good what is right what it is God intended between man and wife.

  6. Ricky says:

    Wow. What society do people grow up in? My wife is a very strong independent woman which I fully support. But that’s at work. In our house we are a team lead by me. We talk things through, I hear her concerns and supports and I make a decision based on that. Marriage has to be mutual. I realize women need sex for different reasons then men but something’s seriously wrong for them to ever feel like it is a chore. If both parties are approaching a marriage with love and acceptance I can’t see how sex will not occur regularly with fluency and not as a “reward.” That term makes me sick. My wife doesn’t view it like that. Sometimes she may not have the same physical/emotional need as me so she gives me the gift of her body so that my need may be met. In return I focus on the areas of love and affection that she is desiring at that time. Sometimes those roles are reversed. I’m tired and she wants to be physical. I see the NEED my spouse has and it’s my DUTY to meet it. People seem to not realize that when you get married it’s not just you anymore and sometimes you have to do things for the growth if US. Society has really tainted marriage and unconditional love. Women see men wanting sex as a chore when they should see it as men desiring their wives in a loving and physical way…

  7. Chris says:

    one of my all-time go-to verses is Proverbs 4:23 –
    Above all else, guard your heart, for it determines the course of your life.
    … true dat.

    1. HopefullyHelpful says:

      I recommend more Jeremiah 17:9. Our hearts are the first things to get injured. Sometimes you have to go against what it says to remain true to God.

  8. LatterDay Marriage says:

    Satan will attack marriage and the godly use of sexuality any way he can. If he can get somebody to be promiscuous, he will. If he can get somebody to betray their spouse, he’ll do that, if he can turn sex into a source of contention and pain within a marriage and set spouses against each other, he’ll do that. The last thing he wants is a man and woman who are truly one flesh with each other, united spiritually, emotionally and sexually in harmony with each other and God. A couple like that scares him.

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