SWM022: Does my spouse find me unattractive

Sex Within Marriage Podcast Image for PostsA couple of years ago I got a message from a reader who was beside herself with unfounded fears that her husband was no longer attracted to her.  She hadn’t asked him.  She had no indication that he wasn’t, but she had this deep seated fear that he wasn’t.

So, I ran a survey, asking spouses about their attraction to their husband or wife.  And today I thought I’d share some of results with you, to help anyone else who has the same fears.

  • According to the wives
    • 93% of wives said they found their husband attractive
    • Even though 24% said their husband had a serious medical, physical or mental condition.
    • Even though 60% said their husband was less fit than when they got married.
    • 54% of wives said they’d like to have more sex and 39% said they like the amount their having.  Only 6% wanted less sexual activity in their marriage.
  • According to the husbands
    • 96% of husbands said they found their wife attractive
    • In fact, 56% said they found their wife more attractive than when they got married, and an additional 29% said they were just as attracted as when they got married.
    • Even though 58% said their wife was less fit now.
  • Attraction doesn’t seem to be tied to fitness or health (mental or physical)
  • Attraction seems to be tied to:
    • Length of marriage (25-30 years seems to be the sweet spot)
    • Household leadership style (with husband-led in the lead, and wife-lead causing problems across the board)
    • Confidence


Looking for more help?

3 thoughts on “SWM022: Does my spouse find me unattractive”

  1. LatterDay Marriage says:

    It’s about how you feel when you are with them, and the more good memories, the more shared joys and trials, the greater the bond and the more attracted you are to them. The longer you are together, the more confidence you can have in that bond, that you can both be yourself and it won’t push the other away.

  2. MBeck says:

    Thank you for this article! I’m overcoming some deap-seated insecurities and this article helped me to see the truth. My husband and I were discussing this morning about your marriage and all God delivered you both from (mentioned in your previous article) and we really appreciated your testimony. Thank you for your honesty…both yours and your wife’s…it’s very encouraging!

  3. Anonymous says:

    there are different types of attraction too. I am much more emotionally attracted to my wife due to 35+ years of marriage with 3 children and 7 grandchildren. However, she has gained over 100 pounds over the years and has very little desire for sex (for a variety of reasons), my physical attraction for her has somewhat diminished. However, I still love her very much and would marry her all over again.

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