Is it okay to tease other people?

Jay Dee

Is it okay to tease other people?

Nov 16, 2016

I received this question the other day from our Have A Question page regarding turning on someone else other than your spouse: My wife and I have been married for 12 year’s,I have realized that I enjoy my wife wearing top’s that she can expose

Is it okay to tease other people?I received this question the other day from our Have A Question page regarding turning on someone else other than your spouse:

My wife and I have been married for 12 year’s,I have realized that I enjoy my wife wearing top’s that she can expose her chest more if the time and place are right and when I know that some guy is looking down her top it’s a big turn on we spoke about this and she said she would do it more if it is such a big turn on,and since found that she enjoy’s this this from boredom or just something we found that we both enjoy,

Now, I know some of you are immediately thinking “seriously?!”  But, this question, nor this feeling, are that uncommon.

Why would you want other people to look at you?

The obvious one is that it makes you feel good.  I mean, if other people are interested in looking at you, then you have external validation that you look good.

The other reason comes from the manosphere.  A lot of authors in that space suggest you do this on purpose.  That you want your spouse to see that you are valued by other potential mates.  It’s supposed to kick them into line or something.  Relationship management based on fear.  It’s a “if you don’t take care of me, I will find someone who will” message.  Basically, you are coercing your spouse instead doing what you want out of fear instead of having them do it out of love.

Why would you want other people to look at your spouse?

This again comes down to a personal validation thing.  If you feel better because other people like what you have.  This is the corollary effect of “keeping up with the Jones'”.  You want to be “The Jones'”.  In short, you’re leveraging the sins of coveting and greed to feel better.

For both spouses, this can come with a bit dopamine boost due to the riskiness, naughtiness and just the feeling of “won” a indication of interest from someone else.  That dopamine boost feels good and can be quite arousing.  So, I get it.  It makes sense that you both enjoy it.

Is it right to do this?

My opinion is no.  You’re opening your sexual relationship up to other people, even if they never get that far.  You’re teasing them, and teasing is never fun unless you’re going to follow through.  And I’d never suggest you follow through with someone who isn’t your spouse.

In all these cases, your banking on sin in order to make yourself feel good.  You want someone else to covet you, or your spouse, so that you can feel you have something of worth.

But your worth as a spouse is not in how desirable you are to someone else.  It’s how desirable you are to your husband or wife.  And your value as a person shouldn’t be based on how others perceive you, but on how God thinks of you.

Instead, I’d try to find ways to be more excited and more appreciative of your spouse.  Don’t leverage outside people to try and give that boost.  Work on your own intimacy.  Because eventually the dopamine boosts will get less and less and you’ll have to show more and more to get the same feeling.  After a time, that won’t work as well, and to get it back, you’ll have to do something even more daring.  This is the beginning of a dangerous path.  I’d stop now.

Looking for help?

7 thoughts on “Is it okay to tease other people?”

  1. LatterDay Marriage says:

    A big part of it is about provoking envy, wanting others to envy you for having a hot spouse, or envy your spouse for having a hotter spouse than theirs. It isn’t right and we shouldn’t rely on outside validation to determine our value or boost our ego.

  2. Mike says:

    Unfortunately my old nature enjoys looking. One of your posts is on “how to stop looking at other women. ” I have to use those principles and a lot of self discipline and prayer to control my gaze.

  3. HK says:

    Well said! It would be nice if more people would take this more seriously.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I agree with your response wholeheartedly as in this is a no go area. I do have a different perspective or outlook or idea or notion going through my head regarding why this guy is enjoying other guys looking or even desiring his wife. I’m not fully convinced it’s a validation issue. It could be more about a third party and the excitement and dopamine that comes with this. The idea might appeal to him and this is the next obvious step. Enjoying your spouse with another. It is very dangerous ground that they are breaking. She might not be fully aware of his desires but she is also in a very dangerous position. She is begining to love the attention from another man and that can become addictive on it’s own. Weather they have no intentions or not of going further this situation possibly could develop. If it does it’s extremely difficult to return from.

  5. Lisa says:

    Thank you for addressing this. My husband wants me to wear tops in public that are overtly sexy. It makes me extremely uncomfortable.

  6. Keelie Reason says:

    My mom always taught me to do what I could to protect others eyes by dressing appropriately. Of course, there are plenty of people out there that don’t want to have those temptations removed, but for those that do, dressing appropriately is showing kindness to them. I know a lot of people don’t agree with me on that.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Oh, I like that.

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