I received this question the other day from our Have A Question page regarding turning on someone else other than your spouse:
My wife and I have been married for 12 year’s,I have realized that I enjoy my wife wearing top’s that she can expose her chest more if the time and place are right and when I know that some guy is looking down her top it’s a big turn on we spoke about this and she said she would do it more if it is such a big turn on,and since found that she enjoy’s this also.is this from boredom or just something we found that we both enjoy,
Now, I know some of you are immediately thinking “seriously?!” But, this question, nor this feeling, are that uncommon.
Why would you want other people to look at you?
The obvious one is that it makes you feel good. I mean, if other people are interested in looking at you, then you have external validation that you look good.
The other reason comes from the manosphere. A lot of authors in that space suggest you do this on purpose. That you want your spouse to see that you are valued by other potential mates. It’s supposed to kick them into line or something. Relationship management based on fear. It’s a “if you don’t take care of me, I will find someone who will” message. Basically, you are coercing your spouse instead doing what you want out of fear instead of having them do it out of love.
Why would you want other people to look at your spouse?
This again comes down to a personal validation thing. If you feel better because other people like what you have. This is the corollary effect of “keeping up with the Jones'”. You want to be “The Jones'”. In short, you’re leveraging the sins of coveting and greed to feel better.
For both spouses, this can come with a bit dopamine boost due to the riskiness, naughtiness and just the feeling of “won” a indication of interest from someone else. That dopamine boost feels good and can be quite arousing. So, I get it. It makes sense that you both enjoy it.
Is it right to do this?
My opinion is no. You’re opening your sexual relationship up to other people, even if they never get that far. You’re teasing them, and teasing is never fun unless you’re going to follow through. And I’d never suggest you follow through with someone who isn’t your spouse.
In all these cases, your banking on sin in order to make yourself feel good. You want someone else to covet you, or your spouse, so that you can feel you have something of worth.
But your worth as a spouse is not in how desirable you are to someone else. It’s how desirable you are to your husband or wife. And your value as a person shouldn’t be based on how others perceive you, but on how God thinks of you.
Instead, I’d try to find ways to be more excited and more appreciative of your spouse. Don’t leverage outside people to try and give that boost. Work on your own intimacy. Because eventually the dopamine boosts will get less and less and you’ll have to show more and more to get the same feeling. After a time, that won’t work as well, and to get it back, you’ll have to do something even more daring. This is the beginning of a dangerous path. I’d stop now.
37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex
Subscribe to get the 2 page PDF full of questions to help you and your spouse start to talk about your sex life.