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How NOT to quit porn

Jay Dee

How NOT to quit porn

Apr 04, 2015

Porn has become almost ubiquitous in our society, it’s everywhere, just behind the scenes.  An estimated 50% of Christian men struggle with porn addiction at some point in their life (including pastors), and the last number I heard for women was 30% and climbing.  So,

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Porn has become almost ubiquitous in our society, it’s everywhere, just behind the scenes.  An estimated 50% of Christian men struggle with porn addiction at some point in their life (including pastors), and the last number I heard for women was 30% and climbing.  So, if you are struggling with this, and you think you’re alone, think again.

Add to this the numbers from reading erotic literature, and almost no one is left untouched by the vice of pornography.  If it’s not you, it’s likely your spouse, if not both of you.

Unfortunately, it’s become a growing trend to fight fire with fire, as it were.  In the last week, I’ve been approached by two people.  One is a new marriage blogger that is promoting “Christian erotic literature” to married couples in an effort to get them to quit porn use.  The other is an author who released a three book series depicting “Christian erotic literature”, so that Christians can have their porn as well.  

When I received these emails, I was appalled, and my mind immediately jumped to this verse:

When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none. Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when it comes, it finds the house empty, swept, and put in order. Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that person is worse than the first. So also will it be with this evil generation.”

Matthew 12:43-45 (ESV)

These Christians are misleading couples into thinking that they can replace pornography with “Christian” pornography.  So, while they are trying to kick their vice, of exorcising their demons, as it were, instead of filling the house with something good, something godly, they have taken porn, slapped a Jesus sticker on it and thrown it back in.  And that Jesus sticker is the insidious part.  At least when you were watching “normal” porn, or “normal” erotic literature, you knew it was wrong.  At least, you did if you were trying to quit.  But now, you have a “Christ approved” version that, if you are still young in your ability to spiritually discern, nicely sidesteps your God given conviction on the subject by telling you “It’s okay, He’s already approved it, it’s Christian porn”.

Pornography (n) – printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.

Please, I implore you, do not be taken in by this counterfeit.  Satan will always try to twist Christianity in order to bring it closer to the rest of the world, and this is just another attempt in a long line of counterfeits that slowly water down Christianity, until it’s hard to recognize where the line is.

What should you replace porn with?

So, what should you fill your “empty house” with?  How do you quit porn the proper way?  Well, how about fill it with the one you’ve invited to live inside of you, if you identify as Christian.

Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? – 1 Corinthians 3:16

God has promised that He will send His Spirit to dwell in us, but there are some conditions:

Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our abode with him. – John 14:23

Love God, keep His word (the Bible).  That’s it.  Like so many thing in Christianity, the answer is simple … living it out is hard.  So, how do you quit porn the proper way?  Invite God into your heart to replace it by loving him, and keeping to the teachings of the Bible.  This book is a manual for your life.  Yes, it also teaches you the path to salvation, but honestly, that’s a fairly minor part of the Bible (in terms of content, not significance).  The vast majority of the Bible is a guide to teach you how to live here on Earth.  So, read it, follow it, build your relationship with God, and He will help you in this struggle.

Your Turn

Have you seen this trend of people producing “Christian porn”?  What are your thoughts?

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29 thoughts on “How NOT to quit porn”

  1. lollipop man says:

    I believe the same that this so-called Christian porn is trickery of the devil to decieve people

  2. Sandi says:

    This is brilliant, JayDee!!!!

  3. Christ Tian says:

    Yes well said. I have made a conscious effort to not look at porn I just find I’m fighting it as my thoughts are filled with uncleanness but I keep rebuking and praying. It’s my hormones, I know it is but I look to God for strength. I once stumbled across a site where people shared pornographic stories about their spouses in the name of being “Christian” it is still unclean and ungodly but if a person has the spirit of God they will soon realise what it is and reject it. It’s very sad.

  4. Dan says:

    I totally agree with you. False prophets will walk among us and a christian that promotes pornography is false.

  5. Jessica says:

    Wow! Christian porn? That is ridiculous! I’ve worked with couples that wonder if porn is okay if they both want to use it, but I have never heard of “Christian” porn. I can’t even wrap my mind around what that must be. By the way, I tell couples that they should never invite someone else into the bedroom through porn or live people. Marriage is for two and those two are to become one. You can’t be one when you are inviting others in to arouse you. Christian porn??? Crazy!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yep, the literary kind is more prevalent, but I’ve seen some people promoting video as well.

      1. LatterDay Marriage says:

        Could you perhaps spare me the chore of Googling find out what ‘Christian porn’ is and give a description? I can’t wrap my head around it either. I assume we are not talking about those websites where you put in your name and your spouse’s name and generate an erotic story starring the two of you, right? So then what is different about it that they call it ‘Christian porn’?

        I’ve taken some really sexy pictures of my wife and written some erotic stories of us acting out various fantasies. I don’t see an issue with that since it is perfectly OK for us to see and do those things in real life.

        1. Jay Dee says:

          Typically they claim it’s Christian porn, when it portrays a married couple having “moral sex”.

          1. Lauren says:

            I see articles like this one all the time on my newsfeed. Ones that advocate sexlessness or a sexless phase in marriage or after having a baby. (I’m not talking about the recovery time right after). But You know sex is for marriage, but many articles try to advocate or justify a sexless marriage or a sexless phase. I don’t agree as many on here also wouldn’t agree. (Unless it’s a mutual decision to take a
            Break from it). But I do ask though why are they doing this? These articles, these people writing this stuff, people in this society in general have this notion that sex goes out the window in marriage. it’s just sad. This article I am referring to is about breastfeeding mothers having no libido and the articles only suggestion for alternative solutions to sex is
            To go on a picnic or go to the movies or dinner. Which is good to be emotionally together and intimate. But what about physical. Why in general do they not suggest lube or hand job or bj. They don’t realize by advocating a sexless phase for six months to a year while breastfeeding they are making it easy for a man to be tempted by other means of masterbation, porn and maybe even an affair. There is no sexual education out there on social media or anywhere. Not many people know about blogs like yours. I am thankful for knowing about this blog and open my eyes for the importance of intimacy
            Both sexual and emotional. I can now see why some men can be tempted to watch porn if the wife is justifying her sexless phase with these articles here. As I read the article I wanted to see what solutions they had to do in replace of sex and it said have a picnic. I don’t get why hand jobs and bjs are so under rated in marriage.

        2. Jay Dee says:

          Oh, and in the case of visual porn, typically the actors are married as well.

          1. LatterDay Marriage says:

            Boy, when you want an excuse, any excuse will do.

  6. Ricky says:

    Christian porn huh? I’m wondering what makes it Christian. Is it the title or the fact that the people in the movie or literature are saying that they are married and that they believe in God. People try to justify so much or find the grey area. Healthy marriages don’t need porn. If both Spouses are doing their job, outside sources are unnecessary.

    1. Anonymous says:

      Yeah women aren’t doing their part sometimes and I don’t agree with it either. This article on Facebook by “essential baby” are pretty much advocating a sexless phase. For when the mother is breastfeeding. They suggest alternative solutions to sex as having a picnic, cooking a lovely meal and going to dinner or the movies. Why is no one advocating the other alternative solutions that they are too afraid or prude to mention? Sex is for marriage. It said in the article that breastfeeding makes women a bit Dry. Why is lube not suggested. Why is a hand job or bj not suggested. I think this is dangerous for a couple to be celibate for six months to a year or however long breastfeeding lasts for. The guy is
      No doubt going to be tempted to engage in other means porn, masterbating, affair, etc. I wish articles would stop advocating a sexless phase when maybe sexual intercourse may decrease but why the other alternatives.

  7. Lauren says:

    I think any porn is selfish and hurtful in my experience. I have wondered for months why my husband would reject me sexually usually during Monday thru Friday. We are young I am in shape and attractive, I only mention that because people only think the guy rejects his partner if she is overweight or unattractive. It actually turned out he rejected weekday sex becaUse he was tired. He was therefore masterbating early in the evening when I was getting the kids settled for be, not all the time no an addiction at least but still. And he would fall asleep by the time I went to bed around 10 pm or 11. I never knew he was getting his needs met. And I was just left and tossed to the side like who cares
    About her needs. Seriously selfish: he thought if himself. I ended up finding some porn six weeks ago and we changed everything. Sorry but men are so stupid. They come up with a clever idea of a solution of hey I’ll just masterbate. Instead of talking to their wife to come up with a real solution. The real solution is I get the kids to bed earlier and make time for sex make it a priority. We tend to try the “scheduled sex” sometimes. Etc. Also men are
    Not stupid but they make stupid choices. He could have easily had sex with me anytime, all the time. Real sex with a real person. If I didn’t find the porn and discussed all of this, he would just ignore, reject and deny me sexually and keep doing himself. Communicate and make sex a top priority.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Oh, I see that sort of stupidity in both genders. Don’t think it’s exclusive to men 🙂

      1. Anonymous says:

        True. I guess I was being sexist. I thought that it was a bigger blow when the women initiates and gets shot down and therefore she feels undesired, unsexy, unattractive, unwanted. When a guy is rejected he of course feels unwanted too but in a small way I think men almost expect it because sitcoms and television and movies make that stereotype mainstream that once your married women just don’t want sex as much and men don’t take it as personally as we women do. When a women is rejected like I was for 6 months after we had out new baby, I felt emotionally scarred. I felt like, what guy doesn’t want to have sex with their wife.

        1. Ricky says:

          I’m going to disagree with you hundred percent anonymous. Men get her just as much as women fighting rejected because we are all human beings and we all have similar needs. It is not fun for a guy when he tries everything to get his wife to be intimate but gets shut down and doesn’t understand why. Men’s “feelings and needs” get brushed aside and brushed under the rug by society just like you claimed in your post, saying that we don’t take it personally and we almost expect it. No man that gets married ever expect to not get laid on a regular basis, that’s asinine. Luckily I don’t have these problems in MY marriage but I know a lot of married friends who do and it’s pretty freaking sad.

          1. Anonymous says:

            I understand what you are saying and agree. I think men maybe hide their emotions and feelings maybe that’s it. If a guy can physically try to have sex with their wife and initiate and tries in that moment and is turned down well maybe be needs to try a. Method other than a physical approach. Maybe he can just express
            Himself verbally. Which is something men have a hard time doing, expressing their emotions and feelings and being vulnerable. For whatever reason they can’t do that. Maybe if the guy could sit down and talk to his wife in another scenario than in the bedroom and really get down to how he feels. He can say, I think we may be lacking sexuality and it really feel rejected a lot etc. But usually it seems that they just physically try and don’t emotionally express themselves and try in that way. I just think both spouses make mistakes and it all comes down to a general lack of communication.

            1. Jay Dee says:

              I agree, I’m all for men learning to communicate better. Wives too…

  8. Anonymous says:

    My husband actually said to me along the lines of when I was in my “dry spell” when I had my other child 4 years ago I was just
    Not into sex at all and he would have to take care of his own needs after trying with me but to no avail. And I was like so you were just going to have a nearly sexless marriage and just masterbate and be okay with that? And he was like yeah. And he said to me” that there’s that stereo type once your married sexy goes out the window”. I can’t believe he would actually accept that and not work harder on getting the sexuality and intimacy with me back then. Why in the world did it have to come down to me finding the porn and just talking everything out and discuss everything on the table to come together and decide no more porn, just more sex, more hand jobs, etc. To get everything to change? It was such a lack of communication or whatever it just frustrates me.

    1. El Fury says:

      Anonymous, I’m very sorry for the painful experience you went through. You ask “why in the world did it have to come down to me finding the porn” and I think I can answer that: your husband was humiliated to be using porn instead of being with you. He couldn’t bring himself to talk to you about it because it was extremely embarrassing. It’s hard for any person to confess a sin to the person they’ve hurt, and few sins are as intimate and hurtful. So, he hid it and hoped you wouldn’t figure it out — in his mind, it was for the good of you both. Obviously that’s not true, but that’s probably what he was thinking.

  9. Paul Byerly says:

    Yup, there is a new round of these folks. I have no doubt they mean well, but you are exactly right about why it’s wrong.
    I hope prayer and gentler words will show them a better way!

  10. Lauren says:

    Anonymous was me, I just
    Hit submit before writing my name. Anyway I think it all
    Boils down to communicating with each other. My husband thought that just because we had kids that sex was out the window, well week day sex. I initiated all this time since July only to get turned down never knowing why. He just said he was tired. All it took was a solution. Duh. So we get the kids to bed a lot earlier now. He doesn’t want to have sex too late at all, that’s all. If the kids are in bed by 9 and we get time to ourselves, it’s better this way anyway.

  11. Lauren says:

    *i had my daughter in July and ever since then I have had a really high drive. Higher than we ever had In our whole relationship of 9 years. Doctor okay’d sex around August so it was August
    Through February of constantly being refused and rejected when I Initated sex. Found the porn in late February. Now we are working on things and things are good. But for a good six months there, it was me initiating, getting turned down, crying in the bathroom upset. Feeling so undesired,.. working out trying to get super skinny. You get the idea. When a women is
    Not given her need of being desired and lusted at, if you will, she really can
    Break down and be depressed. Geez. When I found the porn and opened up a talk about 9 years worth of secrets and lies I just became so depressed. Anyway though, all I wanted was sex and was shot down for that time frame August to February. Imagine if I never foudb the porn and this horrible path had continued?? If only we communicated and he would have just told me that he wanted to have sex earlier around 9 or 10 pm on a week day. Instead he never even communicated that. He just made it seem like he didn’t want the week day sex at all. Just rolled over ans called it a night. I still have trouble wrapping my head around all this. Man. Men think they are so simple right. Why can’t they come up with the communicating and the solutions. It took me finding porn and basically forcing full on communication, openness, and finding a solution to get things to change. Now we are better then ever now and at the moment having sex three times a week or so which is a good start with 3 kids including a teething 9 month old. I am unfortunately still scarred from all this. A scar. I still have body image issues.. For no reason it’s just what happens when a women is depressed or has a life altering event. I am
    Confident I will be fine though.

  12. Lauren says:

    There are many factors that may contribute to a poor female body image. We live in a culture where thinness and beauty are highly valued for women and wealth and success are often considered to go hand in hand with a slim figure.

    Media images of ridiculously thin women are everywhere – television shows, movies, popular magazines. The media often glamorizes a very thin body for women. These are also the pictures that are being shown to teenagers in a time of their lives that they are particularly susceptible to peer pressure and looking good.

    — yes and even porn promotes the negative body image issues. Showing all relatively thin women with “perfect” bodies. No wonder wives feel crappy about themselves. We are supposed to think well God loves us the way we are. It’s hard to love yourself for the way you are when the Media (and porn) are advocating a certain body type as
    Being beautiful.

    I will never stop aiming for perfection. I won’t drive myself crazy, but I think all women have this feeling that we need to acheive a certain ideal.

  13. J. Parker (@HotHolyHumorous) says:

    I’m well aware of this trend. Yes, it’s typically married people in the literature or imagery, with the notion that it’s all God-sanctioned since it’s in the marital bedroom. But I find it disturbing to invite people to peek into that private bedroom and act like that’s okay.

    1. Anonymous says:

      Yes I agree. it’s very disturbing. do you know what is more disturbing? I am worried about what kind of men my three daughters will meet and date, decades in the future. I don’t want to think ahead but I do plan on teaching my daughters what is wrong and right in a marriage. But I feel like I will be that over bearing mother wondering if the person they choose to marry will have the same beliefs and virtues. You know what’s on the internet and what today’s generation is exposed to. Definitely disturbing.

  14. HopefullyHelpful says:

    ” intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.”

    Something seems strange here. . .Isn’t lust an emotion?

    That’s the problem. Pornography is in the eye of the beholder. Could we better say, “Pornography is a state of mind.”

    From what I’ve researched, the actual Greek word porneia directly implies more than 1 entity being present in the act. This is why masturbation has never had a definitive status as sin per se, either

    The actual term pornography therefore carries connotations of acceptability (or at least justification to some) since it (traditionally) ends up in the hands of one individual.

    I also think the term “porn addiction” is overly judgmental and tends to serve no other purpose but to “tear down”. Just say “porn habit” if for only one reason: people will vehemently deny an addiction, but not a habit, and you need them to at least admit something is happening. But an even better term might be “erotoholic” because in reality, that is what we’re trying to avoid: Erotic feelings outside the marriage bed.

  15. Patrick Padley says:

    If you are looking for some good resources on porn and its effects on the mind or how to quit an addition, I suggest going here: http://www.theporneffect.com/

    They also have a fantastic blog: http://www.theporneffect.com/blog

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