Anonymous Questions – July 5, 2018

Jay Dee

Anonymous Questions – July 5, 2018

Jul 06, 2018

It’s amazing how a month can just fly right by.  I just realized I haven’t done one of these since May.  So, it’s about time we catch up. Here are the anonymous questions we’ve received lately from our Have A Question page. Question 1: Grooming

It’s amazing how a month can just fly right by.  I just realized I haven’t done one of these since May.  So, it’s about time we catch up. Here are the anonymous questions we’ve received lately from our Have A Question page.

Question 1: Grooming stats

What percentage of women remove their pubic hair and how? Same question for men.

According to this survey which we ran a couple of years ago, 29% of wives and 18% of husbands completely remove their pubic hair.  

The most common method is using a disposable or electric razor, especially for men.

Question 2: Teasing wife that gets upset at initiation

My girl says she loves sex with me. She says I’m amazing. I rarely if ever have sex based on my needs. I would rather her get off. Lately however she teases me all day with texts and over the phone as well as in person. When time comes to have sex I’m met with, “Is that all you think about?” and BAM!!!! Disaster. And she can be downright mean. What do I do or what am I doing?

So, there are couple things that might be going on here.  

Firstly, she may not understand what her flirting does to you and so doesn’t realize she’s being cruel.  

Secondly, it could be that though she’s teasing you all day, she’s not quite “ready to go”, and needs some non-sexual touch before jumping straight into sexual touch.  Of course, this would be compounded if she doesn’t understand the first point.

So, what do you do?  Talk about it. Most issues can be solved by communication, and this is no different.  She has to understand your perspective, and you should understand hers, whatever that is.  Then you can understand the context and hopefully avoid disaster.

Question 3:  Do I have to have sex with my spouse if I’m not attracted to them?

What if I am no longer attracted to my wife. If I love her dearly but just don’t find her sexually attractive anymore. Am I still compelled to have sex with her?

This is a difficult question to answer, I think because it’s phrased incorrectly.  I think the question shouldn’t be “do I have to have sex with her”, but rather “What can I do to maintain my attraction to her?”

I don’t know why you’re not attracted to her.  It could be weight gain, or just aging. It could be porn use or entertaining lustful thoughts of other women.  Whatever the cause, there are things both you, and your wife, can probably be doing to improve your connection.

Really, attraction tends to be less about physical attractiveness and more about the commitment and connection of a couple.  We’ve seen it in our surveys, like this one, that about 95% of men say they’re as attracted to their wife or more than when they first got married.  Some of them many decades later. Health, weight and age didn’t find much correlation between attraction.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t work to remain attractive to your spouse, but if you aren’t attracted to your wife anymore, the real question is: What’s going on with your relationship?

And when all is said and done, yes, you are “compelled” to have sex with your spouse.  Part of the point of getting married is relinquishing control of your body to your spouse.  If they desire you, you are obligated to be there for them. The idea is that that obligation and compulsion should be a joyous one, but it’s there nevertheless.  If it’s not an idea that brings joy to your heart, then there’s something going on that should be addressed. The idea of submitting to our spouse in this way should come with a sense of comfort, not revulsion.

Question 4: How do we know what’s natural and what’s from porn?

I saw porn before. I want to know what about me is from porn and what is natural for man. Im married, my wife sees different then me and thinks I’m a pervert. I don’t know if I am or not. I don’t make her do what she doesn’t want, but I think she doesn’t understand me. I try to explain, but she changes the talk because she doesn’t like it. What is normal?

I like blowjobs
I like licking her
I like ejaculate on her face. She looks so beautiful
I want her to tell how much she like my penis

She thinks this things are perverted and only hamster cuddle sex is okay. What is okay?

Now, this is a question where I think the Christian community is split on the answer.  Some think that anything beyond “hamster cuddle sex” is from Satan. Others think anything goes so long as your spouse is involved.  I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle of the two extremes.

My wife and my basic rules for sex are:

    1. It has to involve both of us and no one else
    1. Any act needs to be uplifting rather than putting down our spouse (no humiliation/shame)
  1. It needs to be safe and not harmful

I think that generally sums it up.

Now, those will be interpreted differently by different people.  For us, solo masturbation is considered sex, and so violates rule 1.  For us, bondage is about sensation and power dynamic, but not humiliation.  For us, vibrators are okay, but “realistic” toys are not.

My wife and I aren’t always on the same page about something immediately, so we default back to whatever stance meets the rules for both until a time that it changes.  For example, for her the idea of semen in her mouth is repulsive due to the taste and texture. So, I don’t push for it or ask if she will.

We choose not to be offended by our spouse’s boundaries, but instead respect and even support them as something that makes them feel safe.  And because of that attitude towards each other’s boundaries, we can discuss them openly without resentment, pressure or coercion.

As for what is normal, I think Satan plays on God-given desires and then uses them for his own ends.  I think a lot of the stuff people see in porn is natural and normal for us to want. I think there’s also a lot that isn’t.  I’m not sure I’m wise enough to separate them all.

However, I think if God wanted us to abstain from certain things, He wouldn’t have designed us the way He did.  I don’t think He would have given men a prostate that feels pleasure, or extended the clitoral legs around the anus if He didn’t want us to play back there.  I don’t think He would have moved the clitoris head so far back from the vaginal opening if He didn’t want us to use means other than a penis to stimulate it.  I don’t think so many men would feels such a sense of acceptance from having their ejaculate swallowed or ejaculating on their spouse if there wasn’t some built-in connection there.

But I’m not God.  These are all just speculations.  In the end, you must decide for yourself, and the best test I know is “does this build my spouse up, or tear them down?”  And for you, the answer to a lot of acts is “tears her down”. It doesn’t mean she’s right, but it’s where she is now.

So, respect her boundaries, and maybe she’ll be willing to discuss them.  Push them, and she’ll just push back harder.

Question 5: Married, but haven’t had sex yet

Dear Jay,
    My wife and I are married Christians but in our marriage we  have not yet “ratified the covenant.” Yes, we have not been able to consummate our marriage.  We love one another very much. Our best efforts come up short with both of us experiencing excruciating pain.  in every attempt and after preparation. It is becoming more and more difficult to even try to have sex, knowing that we will only wind up experiencing pain.  My wife is anatomically small. Even with lubrication, we are not making headway. What is a Christian couple supposed to do? I have learned that a minor surgical procedure is not always helpful.  It seems wrong to annul the marriage when we are so committed to the relationship. Can you help?
Pondering intimacy.
A loving husband

Hi there.  That’s a difficult thing to go through.  And you aren’t alone. This happens to a fair number of couples actually.  I have a post on pain during sex with some solutions and alternatives that I encourage you to check out.  And I agree, an annulment seems extreme, especially since annulments are not biblical.  The fact is, you declared, before God, that you would bind your life to your wife’s, regardless of what comes.  That cannot be undone. Call it an annulment or a divorce, it’s a broken vow to God, not taken lightly.

But, there are plenty of things you can do.  Read the post and you’ll see a variety of things to try.

Question 6: Wife doesn’t like clitoral stimulation

Jay, thank you for your service to God in helping marriages across the country. I have a question for you – my wife and I have been happily married for four years. In trying to learn how to please my wife, I’ve read about the importance of clitoral stimulation.  However, it doesn’t seem to work for us. In fact my wife claims that she doesn’t respond well to that and that she would much prefer penetration/hitting her “G” spot (manually or during sex), and her responses during our love making seem to agree. Is that the case that some women don’t prefer clitoral stimulation or am I simply not doing it right?

First off, yes, some women prefer g-spot stimulation to clitoral stimulation.  Some prefer anal sex to vaginal sex. Some women can orgasm from just having their nipples stimulated.  In short: each woman is different. Be glad you found something she enjoys! Not everyone finds it so easily.  

As well, it can change over time and with pregnancies.  What works now may not in the future. Or more things might work in the future.  It’s hard to say.

Don’t worry so much, just enjoy exploring and finding things out.

That’s it for this week’s questions.  If you have a question of your own, or a topic you’re having trouble finding information on, check out our Have A Question page to ask it anonymously, or just contact me here.

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