Glossary Term: communication

Definition: "Communication" refers to the act of sharing, interpreting, and understanding verbal and non-verbal messages, thoughts, and feelings between spouses to foster a stronger, healthier, and more intimate marital relationship.

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Does Masturbation Help or Hurt Your Marriage? Here’s What the Data Says

Illustration of a married couple holding hands while looking at two charts comparing solo behavior decreasing and shared intimacy increasing, with the headline “Does Masturbation Help or Hurt Your Marriage? Here’s What the Data Says.”

Nearly a year ago someone suggested I redo my 2014 survey on mutual masturbation. I did, and I expanded it considerably. What I got back from 1,043 married Christians was more interesting than I expected. Some of it confirmed what I thought going in. Some of it didn’t. And one pattern in particular showed up so consistently across so many different cuts of the data that I had a hard time writing around it.
That pattern is what this post is about.

The Mirror Game – A Simple 4-Step Communication Skill That Can Transform Your Marriage

You know the cycle. Something happens, a tone of voice, a forgotten commitment, a moment that stings, and suddenly you’re both defending your corners instead of actually connecting. You talk at each other. You wait for your turn to explain yourself – maybe you don’t do very well at waiting.  Maybe you interrupt and talk over each other a lot. As a result, after the “conversation” ends, you both feel more alone than before.

What if there was a simple framework that could break that cycle? Not a magic fix, but a real, learnable skill that draws you toward each other instead of apart?

It’s called the Mirror Game.  It’s easy to explain and simple to implement – the hard part is remembering to do it.

SWM 158 – Solo Masturbation – When You Remove the Other Person From Sex

Today we’re continuing with our Sex as Worship series, and in this post, we’re going to be talking about masturbation, which is a highly contested argument in Christianity. Is it okay, is it sinful, it is helpful or harmful?

And before I say anything else, I want to share that I didn’t always believe the viewpoint I’m going to share. Also, I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s still an embarrassing topic, and I know I’m going to get a lot of flak for it. People will unsubscribe. Sometimes I get messages saying they hope to see me in hell.

But, I don’t think I can skip it. This is a topic I see damaging so many marriages, so how do I leave it alone?

SWM 157 – Why Sex Gets Derailed Right Before It Starts

When intimacy keeps getting derailed by oddly timed comments about hygiene, illness, or unrelated problems, it’s easy to wonder if you’re losing your mind or being subtly shut down. This question comes up far more often than people realize, and the answer is almost never “you’re crazy” or “your spouse is malicious.” What’s actually happening lives in the brain, and once you see it, the pattern makes a lot more sense.

SWM 150 – Control, sex and marriage

Last month, I watched a great video by Gary Thomas and his wife Lisa on how a controlling spirit can harm a marriage. It got me thinking: In Christian circles, we often struggle to define the difference between healthy leadership and damaging control—both in marriage and in our relationship with God.

Why is it that surrendering to God is seen as good, but demanding control from a spouse is harmful? The key, I believe, is consent and love. When surrender is freely given and motivated by love, it can bring freedom and joy. But when control is forced, it leads to resentment and broken trust.

In this post, I’m sharing some personal stories and lessons we’ve learned about navigating these tricky dynamics in marriage.

SWM 147 – How do you know if you’re sexually compatible

The most common argument I hear for premarital sex is, “You need to know if you’re sexually compatible before getting married. Otherwise, you might end up stuck in a sexless, unfulfilling relationship.”

And it sounds like sound reasoning.  We test-drive cars before buying them.  We have probation periods for people we hire at work.  We sample foods before purchasing them.  Shouldn’t sex, which is one of the most intimate parts of marriage, be tested beforehand to make sure you’re a good match?

It’s a compelling argument that convinces many people to abandon their principles.  It makes you question your morality.  It promises both immediate and long-term gratification.

However, it’s based on a flawed premise.

SWM 146 – Legalistic vs Loving Approach to Marriage – Shifting from Rules to Relationship

In my work as a marriage coach, I often see couples transition from one type of marriage to another. There’s no clear line between these states, no set of rules that definitively places someone in one category or the other. Yet, by observing how they handle conflict, express themselves, and interact in small ways, you can often tell which state their marriage is in.

A big part of my job as a coach is helping people shift from one type of marriage to another as most issues in marriage are resolved by doing so.

SWM 144 – Why wives have a complicated relationship with sex and what to do about it

One of our supporters posted a question in our forum which led to a bit of a discussion on what men perceive as sexy, and it shook the questioner a bit, because it was radically different from what she had been led to believe her whole life.

This led into a larger discussion about why women tend to have more hangups about sex than men do.  I shared my thoughts in the forum in a bit of a rant and then realized that I don’t know if I’ve really tackled this a whole lot on the blog and podcast.  If I have, it’s been a few years, so it’s time for a refresher for the new people.

So, I’m going to try and make it a little less ranty and a little more coherent and see if maybe I can teach some other wives and women out there a bit about what many men think regarding sex in the hopes that it might help some marriages, present or future.

SWM 139 – Why won’t my spouse do x – I would do it for them

Recently, I’ve noticed a question popping up all over the place. It’s come up in our supporter forum, coaching sessions, emails, comments in our latest survey, and more. This question points to a fundamental tension in many marriages – at the root of it is a self-centric desire. The desire for our spouse to serve our own needs and expectations. Whether it’s about sex or more subtle emotional needs, this recurring question often revolves around a common theme: a wish for partners to be more like ourselves.
For men, this question frequently focuses on sexual matters. Some men wonder why their spouses don’t engage in sex as often as they would like or why they don’t fulfill certain specific desires. On the other hand, when women voice similar concerns, the issues are often more nuanced. Many women express frustration with their partner’s inability to intuitively understand their needs without explicit communication.
And, of course, in some marriages, those dynamics are reversed.
Both scenarios boil down to a deeper, more universal issue: the tendency to project our own needs and expectations onto our spouses, often without fully considering their unique perspectives and experiences.
In this post, we’ll delve into why this tendency is problematic and how understanding our partner’s individual differences can relieve this frustration.

SWM 137 – Why we don’t spank our children

Last week, Gary Thomas posted an article on his substack on the topic of discipline vs. punishment—not taking a stance but rather offering it up as a controversial conversation starter. Reading it made me curious about something—does your view of hell change your parenting approach? After all, if God is our example, and you believe that hell is eternal punishment, does that then lend to a more heavy-handed approach to parenting versus someone who believes that hell is an act of mercy?

I posted that question in our forum, and it then led to a discussion on using physical punishment on children.  I spent a fair bit of time in the last week or two writing on that thread, and so I thought I’d repurpose it here for those who might be curious about how we raised our children.

We, Christina and I, don’t believe hell is eternal torture.  We don’t believe such a view is in keeping with the Bible.  We grew up in a denomination that taught it was, and it was one of the reasons we left because the doctrine couldn’t stand up to either biblical scrutiny or logic as we saw it.  If you want to know why and/or argue that stance, I fully welcome you to read the post What happens when you die?  That’s not the point of this post.

The point of this post is to share why we don’t spank our children, and now that my children are growing up into adults, what the outcome of such a choice has been.