Sex Savvy is sort of a cross between a how-to book, a psychology/physiology lesson, a sermon on sexuality and a conversation between two friends. I don’t know how else to describe it. J Parker (the author and blogger at Hot, Holy & Humorous) came to me, way back in November of last year and basically said (paraphrasing) “Hey, I wrote a book, want to read it…and maybe review it?” It’s a good think she told me the timing of the review didn’t matter, because it took me a few months to get to it. But once I picked it up, it was hard to put down. I finally picked it up mid last week and just finished it.
It’s a book, written to wives, trying to answer all the big questions about sex. All the things they don’t really teach you in sex education, what our parents were and are afraid to talk to us about, and what most churches are terrified of even mentioning the existence of. And we’re all to blame, because most of us are those parents, those teachers and those church leaders. And we don’t usually even talk to our friends about these topics. So, this book fills a huge need in my opinion. As it’s written to wives, it feels a little odd reading it, as a husband, almost the whole way through the book, I felt a bit like I wasn’t involved in the conversation, just listening in on one, but that said, it was a good conversation I was listening in on, and I love the topic, so that didn’t really phase me too much.
So, what’s in the book?
The book is split up into chapters and subsections. You can either read the book through cover to cover, chapter by chapter, or just pick a section and start reading. They are all self-contained articles (much like a blog), and so you can jump around through the content pretty easily.
Chapter 1 – Kissing
This chapter is all about…wait for it…yep, kissing. No, not oral sex, just kissing (the oral sex comes later, both in the book, and in real life). J goes through types of kisses, tips for kissing, and what to do if your husband’s has bad breath. The chapter opens with this intro:
Ahh, the kiss! That brilliant invention of our Creator that makes us check our breath, cock our heads, plant a big wet one, and hunger for more. Plenty of Christians writing about sex believe that the orgasm is proof that our Creator designed mating for pleasure. While I agree, the kiss is an excellent example as well. After all, kisses are not required for reproduction, so what’s their point?
So pucker up and let’s talk about kissing.
Chapter 2 – Cultivating Romance
This chapter is about keeping romance alive in marriage through writing love letters, and suggestions to wives for what to do when their husband is not romantically inclined.
Odds are that at some point in your relationship, your husband was romantic. Maybe it didn’t come naturally and maybe it was only at the beginning, but something he did made you swoon a little.
Keeping romance alive has been the subject of plenty of self-help books, blogs, magazines articles, movies and more. I’m not the truest romantic myself (for instance, I prefer most action films to chick flicks), but I agree that romance is an important aspect of marriage. So how do you keep that spark alive? Let’s delve into non-romantic husbands and love letters.
Chapter 3 – Finding Time
“We’ve got 15 minutes!”
I fear this statement, or something like it, is said rather often in marriages. But far worse are those who seem to have zero minutes for sexual intimacy. How can couples find time to connect physically when the rest of life demands so much of our time?
Chapter 4 – Getting Ready for Sex
What do you do if you aren’t in the mood for sex? How do you shop for lingerie? How do you prepare for sex? These questions and more are answered in this chapter that deals both with the physical and mental necessities of preparing for sex.
Have you noticed that women in movies always seem ready for sex? As if that’s been on their mind all day long? In reality, most wives spend their day navigating mundane tasks, like performing their day job, determining what to cook for dinner, managing all that laundry.
Alas, sometimes you have to prepare your mind and body for sexual intimacy with your husband. So let’s talk about lingerie and then getting yourself ready for that intimate encounter with your man.
Chapter 5 – Having Oral Sex
I told you it would come up eventually. J discusses whether or not oral sex is okay with God, how to perform oral sex on your husband, and how to receive oral sex for the wife. It’s not an in-depth, blow by blow (pardon the pun, couldn’t help it) tutorial, but more general in content, still, I could see this as extremely useful as a primer on oral sex for the newlywed (or recently awakened).
There is a chapter in Kevin Leman’s excellent book, Sheet Music, about oral sex. I once loaned my copy to a good friend, and her husband looked through the table of contents and immediately flipped to that chapter. There is something very appealing about this practice to some people. So what’s the hubbub all about?
Chapter 6 – Giving a Hand Job
This is a quick tutorial on how to give a hand job. Personally, I like that she addressed that not all men can orgasm from this, because I think a lot of wives think they are doing something wrong by not being able to bring their husbands to orgasm from manual or oral stimulation.
Have you ever considered how handy your opposable thumbs are for sexual intimacy? Being able to hold, grasp, squeeze, and strong with our hands is a wonderful aspect of our human bodies. And we wives can even use our hands to bring great pleasure to our husband’s manhood.
Chapter 7 – Experiencing an Orgasm
Now, here is a chapter I don’t think would ever exist in a similar book for husbands. I’m sure there are husbands who are anorgasmic, but I have yet to meet or hear from them yet. It’s an extremely small percentage of the male population. For wives, however, it’s much higher. So, this chapter tackles how to orgasm, multiple, and simultaneous orgasms.
This might be one of the most asked questions: How do I reach that pinnacle of sexual satisfaction? It’s certainly the subject of plenty of women’s magazine articles. Have you browsed the newsstand lately?
It is true that you will likely enjoy and desire sex more if you can – at least sometimes – experience the physical ecstasy we call “orgasm”.
Chapter 8 – Considering Sexual Positions
This is a good discussion on why you might choose to change up your positions during sex, which can be useful (and why), and which belong in a circus act.
With my odd sense of humor, I am ever so tempted to use the following quote for this section’s intro: “Take your positions” (Jeremiah 46:4). But since the next part is “Put on your helmets. Sharpen your spears, and prepare your armor,” that’s probably not the right choice.
Still, many believe there is a reference to sexual positioning in the Bible, when the Song of Songs wife twice refers to the way her husband holds her. And it doesn’t sound like the “missionary position.”
Chapter 9 – Choosing Location
Turns out the Song of Solomon couple were a bit adventurous. I daresay far more than most of us in terms of location anyways. This chapter is on where not to have sex, and where it might be fun to have sex (other than the bed).
Have you ever wondered where Adam and Eve made love? There’s no master bedroom mentioned in Genesis.
As attached as we’ve gotten to our locked bedroom doors and cushy mattresses, there are plenty of other options for where a married couple can have sex. Let’s explore the pros and cons of various locations.
Chapter 10 – Using Your Body Parts
Don’t want to seem like a dead fish in bed? Well, this is the chapter for you. Get involved, move around, act like you want to be there.
Sex should involve so much of our bodies, as we touch, kiss, and join together in this intimate act to express and foster love. So let’s discuss how to use your various body parts in lovemaking: your mouth, your arms, your legs, your hips etc.
Chapter 11 – Dealing with a Low-desire Husband
I’m very glad J included this chapter. As far as I can gather, in 25-33% (a quarter to a third) of marriages, the husband has a lower drive than the wife, and in about 10% of all marriages, it seems the husband is actively refusing his wife. This is something that is rarely talked about, but is causing a lot of suffering in women, particularly when they feel alone.
Are you the higher-drive spouse? In some marriages, the wife is the one who desires sex more frequently and more intensely. That doesn’t make you weird. It makes you like 15-25% of wives (statistics vary).
But sometimes, higher-drive wives feel like Vaquita porpoises (look it up; they’re among the most endangered species). But forget the porpoise, and let’s talk purpose. What’s your mission as a higher-drive wife?
Chapter 12 – Addressing Physical Pain
We’ve had this issue in our own marriage. Sadly, we didn’t know what to do. We weren’t very good at communicating then, so I wasn’t aware how bad it was, and my wife was too scared to seek help. So, we suffered through sex (or a lack of sex) for years. J addresses this topic and offers some guidance.
I wish I could say that God is completely opposed to any and all pain. But when you read the story of God’s people, you find that He’s not against letting us suffer through pain for His higher purposes. Honestly, this life is going to be have some pain, but God will help us bear it.
Sexual pain is not in that category. When it comes to sexual intimacy, God is definitely in favor of health and pleasure. There isn’t some higher purpose in physically hurting when you don’t need to. Let life hand you lemons when it must, but sex with your husband should be more like chocolate. Right?
Chapter 13 – Defining “Christian Sex”
This chapter is where the theology really ramps up (though it’s peppered throughout the book, as it should be). Did you ever think about the gospel (not just God) being in the bedroom? Can’t say I did until this chapter.
The clearest way of expressing my mission in writing a Christian sex blog is: “Christians need to reclaim sexuality.”
Satan and the world have tried to make it theirs – although a twisted version of what God created. It’s not theirs. It belong to God and to His people. To married Christians. At least the best sex does…the sex that pleases one another, expresses covenant love, and grows intimacy.
But what is “Christian sex”? What does our spiritual faith have to do with physical pleasure?
Quite a lot actually.
Chapter 14 – Bonus: Calling Us to Ministry
This chapter is a call to action. We need to start being more comfortable talking about sex as a gift from God, when experienced in the proper context: marriage. We do an excellent job as a church, as ministries, telling people not to have sex unless they are married. But we utterly fail to tell them, once their married, “Hey, sex is awesome! Go have lots of it!” We have created a culture of shame around sex so that married couples almost feel ashamed to have sex. And because of that, many couples aren’t getting the help they need in this area when things don’t go as God intended.
There is a growing awareness that individual Christians and church communities need to speak up, not merely against ungodly sexuality but also in favor of godly sexuality.
Speaking up isn’t always easy. Some believe we shouldn’t talk about it because the act itself is between two exclusive, committed persons. But God doesn’t shy away from the subject of sex. It’s all through Scripture. We can have a public conversation about sex without compromising our ultimate privacy.
So let’s join Peter and John in their prayer: “Enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness” – Acts 4:29b
That’s the book. I hope I’ve given you enough information for you to make an informed decision. If you like the book can be purchased at amazon (and THANK YOU J for making the kindle price nearly half the printed price. I’m sick of these books where a printed product is the same price as the digital). My wife has not read it yet, so she’s not commenting today, but I shared bits and pieces with her as I was reading, because they were funny, and I wanted to share them. I think that’s the great thing about adding humour to sex, it makes you want to share it, and it makes it easier to share. This book does that very well.
Have you read J’s book “Sex Savvy”? I gave my thoughts, what are yours?