Is sex work for you? What about your spouse? Do you know? Now, for me, the answer is a hands down “No”. I mean, I work hard during sex, and my muscles get tired, I get sweaty and I’m very focused … but I would never call it work. I wouldn’t even call it pleasurable work. It’s just pure recreation, mixed with intimacy. But, what about low-drive spouses? Or women? I’m neither, so I didn’t know. But, I had my suspicions, so I asked my wife.
Turns out sex is work for her. Pleasurable work, she says, but still work, like gardening, or camping. It might be tiring, and it might involve a lot of preparation, but it’s worth it … most of the time.
Well, that’s a new concept for me. I mean, for me, sex is a yes, every time. Unless I’m so sick I wouldn’t have been able to stay conscious. I’ve opted out once, and my wife won’t let me live it down. It might have been because it was our honeymoon. I the flu, and a fever, for the record. Anyways, back to the topic.
As I was saying, for me, sex isn’t work. It’s purely play. So, if sex is an option, the answer is always “yes”.
For my wife, either because she’s a woman or because she’s low-drive (I suspect a mix), it’s different. Sex is a recreational activity, but not necessarily play. Sex is something that takes preparation, it takes focus. It takes continuous effort to keep her mind focused and not let it wander. And so, sometimes, in fact, most of the time, the gut-reaction to sex being an option is “I’m not sure I’m up for that right now.” Sort of it like if someone went “Hey, do you want to go camping? Like right now. No, you can’t pack. No, you can’t book time off work. Right now.” For a lot of us, the answer would be … that sounds nice … but I’m not prepared for that.
So, what can we do about that? Honestly, I’m not sure. It’s still a new idea for me. Right now this is just something that better helps me understand my wife. But, I’m going to be thinking about it and trying some things out. I’ll get back to you if I figure out anything beneficial to both of us. In the mean time, maybe ask yourself, or your spouse: “Is sex work?”
37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sex
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