Do Men Want Their Women To Take The Lead More When It Comes To Sex?

Jay Dee

Do Men Want Their Women To Take The Lead More When It Comes To Sex?

Oct 05, 2012

I think this is a mistaken perception most of the time. We see this all the time on movies and TV shows, the sexually aggressive female, not only aggressive, but overtly aggressive, and it sparks something in men when they see that, they are attracted to it. Why? I don’t think it’s that the woman is aggressive, it’s that she’s sexually confident.

This is the fifth post in the 1/2 Marathon being orchestrated by the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association.  I have a bunch of questions left from the A Males Perspective teleconference I spoke at last week.  As such, I’ll be using this marathon to answer some of the questions I received.  Please note, these are my perspective.  I cannot vouch for all males and when I’m giving my perspective on women, I certainly cannot vouch for all women.  Also, all references to gender traits are based on the average population, there are exceptions of course.  Please do not be offended by these if you are not “neurotypical” for your gender.  So, on to the question:

Is it true that men want their women to take the lead more when it comes to sex?

I think this is a mistaken perception most of the time.  We see this all the time on movies and TV shows, the sexually aggressive female, not only aggressive, but overtly aggressive, and it sparks something in men when they see that, they are attracted to it.  Why?  I don’t think it’s that the woman is aggressive, it’s that she’s sexually confident.

Men are designed to lead, it’s how we are built.  We’re not looking for someone to replace us as leaders, we’re looking for a partner that will follow us (in a side-by-side sort of way) wherever we lead.  Financially, spiritually and especially sexually, because that speaks to our very core.  We want a wife who is willing to be lead into sex, without fear, without shame, without any timidness.  We’re all looking for Eve who was naked in the garden without shame.

How many men have heard, or women have said, when sex is initiated:

I haven’t had a shower in a couple of days.  I’m fat/ugly and don’t want you to see me.  I feel grungy/I look awful today.

Guess what, we don’t care.  We love how you smell, how you feel, how you taste and how you look, no matter what.  That’s why we like sex with the lights on, we’re very visual, we want you to show off for us, to be confident, to be comfortable in your own skin.  That’s what we want, that’s what we crave.  Not a wife who will take the lead, but a wife that will let us lead without dragging her feet behind her.  When we feel that your not confident, part of us assumes there is something wrong with us.  Either you don’t feel comfortable with us leading, or you don’t feel comfortable with where we chose to go.  Either one is a blow to our ego.

Now, this goes back the other way too.  We men have to step up and be confident about our leading.  When your both lying in bed naked and she turns to you and says “so…what do you want to do”  DO NOT ANSWER “I don’t know…what do YOU want to do?”  She doesn’t want to lead, she wants you to.  You should be the instigator. She wants to be swept off her feet, taken on an adventure.  I had a wake-up call to this when, a couple of weeks ago, my wife said to me “If you want sex more, you need to be more aggressive.”  Now, that is an instant minor wound to the ego, I’ll admit, but that passed quickly when I realized what an amazing wife I had.  Not only does she know what she wants (me to call the shots), but she’s not afraid to tell me that I’m not meeting her needs.  Thank God!  She has changed so much in our marriage, and she’s becoming more and more confident, so now it’s my turn, I need to step up and match that confidence with leadership that allows her to explore how confident she is in me leading.


Men: Do you lead in the bedroom confidently?  Do you need to be more aggressive?

Women: Do you let your husband lead? Or is he dragging you around (metaphorically) in the bedroom?

Looking for help?

24 thoughts on “Do Men Want Their Women To Take The Lead More When It Comes To Sex?”

  1. BradleyDWatson says:

    These are excellent thoughts. Thanks for telling it to us straight and not allowing Hollywood to deceive us.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      All I can do is share my perspective in the hopes it will help someone.

  2. Brian says:

    I prefer a give and take… I don’t mind leading (and indeed, I am working an leading more assertively) but every now and then, it is awesome to feel that my wife wants me so bad she won’t be denied.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yes, it’s very hot when they initiate once in a while. But I see a lot of women complaining about their men not being aggressive enough in the bedroom. I don’t see any women complaining that they themselves never get to initiate because their husbands do all the time.

  3. Jenny says:

    Hm. I agree with Brian, I think it’s good to have a give and take. For example, sometimes my husband may be thinking about something else, and sex is the farthest thing from his mind at that moment, but I’m really in the mood… I’ll bring it to his attention in a way that he won’t miss. 🙂 But other times, he’ll want me when I least expect it! Either one is fun, but I do like when he takes the lead, because it makes me feel loved when he pursues me. As for “dragging feet,” I NEVER turn him down. I know that even if I’m not completely in the mood at the moment he starts nuzzling me, I will very quickly get in the mood once we get started. And he has never balked at foreplay – he enjoys turning me on. I want to be a well that will never go dry for him, so to speak. I want to always satisfy him. My body is his to take joy in – and even when I don’t feel particularly sexy, he does take joy in me, because I’m his.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      That’s just awesome. I don’t know what else to say. Thanks for sharing.

  4. Big Charlie says:

    I have had that “You need to be more aggressive/assertive…” discussion with my wife. What makes it tough is when I have tried in the past to be assertive or aggressive and get rebuffed with “Are you serious? I’m exhausted!” or any other such comment, that memory sticks in my mind and makes it where I’m hesitant to try again for fear of rejection.

    I do agree that while I do like it when the wife initiates from time to time, I really love it when she demonstrates that confidence in the bedroom, comfort in her own skin. There’s work to do there, but when she shows it, it’s unbelievably arousing.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Yeah, isn’t that a kick in the pants? I wrote about a similar thing on my post called Training Your Spouse. It is completely unfair to ask us to do something and then slap us down for doing it! What kind of message does she think she’s sending? Not that just because you initiate means there needs to be sex, but it’s one thing to say “I know I told you to be more aggressive but tonight just isn’t going to work because I’m exhausted, sorry” and quite another to say “Are you serious? I’m exhausted!” (with an undertone of “You’re an idiot”).

  5. Cassandra Salamone says:

    Amen!! I love for my husband to lead and encourage him:) Great post!

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Thanks Cassandra.

  6. livinginblurredlines says:

    Oh yeah…hubby doesn’t like when I initiate all the time. I have a higher drive and will push harder for it if refused. I since learned to let him lead, even if it means missing out when I want sex, but he doesn’t. He has proven that it is worth the wait! Sometimes hubby wants me shy as a virgin, other times graceful as a deer, and yet others aggressive as a tigress. Balance is good….notice 2 out of the three tend to be hubby led.

    1. Jay Dee says:

      Now, you have a bit of a reversal of the stereotypical sex drives. Interesting how he still wants to lead. Interesting for me, probably maddening for you some of the time.

  7. Overcoming with Love via Facebook says:

    I love this! <3 I'll have to show this to my husband! <3 *giggling*

  8. Lindsay says:

    I love it when my husband is agressive in the bedroom. And he likes it that I like it. He does like me to initiate sometimes, but me initiating doesn’t mean I become the agressor. My initiating is usually along the lines of inviting him to pursue me (putting on something sexy, flirting, doing something I know turns him on). That way, I can usually get sex when I want it and he’s still the aggressive one.

  9. MJK says:

    My husband is the shy and quiet one. He actually told me recently that he absolutely loves when I initiate. I’ve known this for decades. It does go both ways though. Sometimes he is the tiger on the prowl. We try to go to bed at the same time or within ten minutes of one another, every night, for obvious reasons. I will sometimes come to bed just a little later and I will find one of my outfits displayed beautifully on my pillow. How fun! He picks out what I should wear…love it!

  10. Nina says:

    Yes! Definitely want my hubby to be more aggressive and decisive and in charge in bed and the leader in our sex lives.

  11. [email protected] says:

    Doesn’t it kind of limit female sexuality? I personally enjoy seducing and taking the lead. I can frankly say I don’t like men who are too aggressive and I certainly don’t like having sex someone else’s way. Well, I do want my partner to be decisive and strong, but not every time and not overly so and, most importantly, willing to hand the initiative over to me whenever I feel like adding something into the mix. I don’t know, perhaps you’re right about the majority of women, but sometimes it won’t hurt men to be more responsive and give a woman more space for some action of her own rather than just bluntly taking charge of everything going on in bed

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