This is the fifth post in the 1/2 Marathon being orchestrated by the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association. I have a bunch of questions left from the A Males Perspective teleconference I spoke at last week. As such, I’ll be using this marathon to answer some of the questions I received. Please note, these are my perspective. I cannot vouch for all males and when I’m giving my perspective on women, I certainly cannot vouch for all women. Also, all references to gender traits are based on the average population, there are exceptions of course. Please do not be offended by these if you are not “neurotypical” for your gender. So, on to the question:
Is it true that men want their women to take the lead more when it comes to sex?
I think this is a mistaken perception most of the time. We see this all the time on movies and TV shows, the sexually aggressive female, not only aggressive, but overtly aggressive, and it sparks something in men when they see that, they are attracted to it. Why? I don’t think it’s that the woman is aggressive, it’s that she’s sexually confident.
Men are designed to lead, it’s how we are built. We’re not looking for someone to replace us as leaders, we’re looking for a partner that will follow us (in a side-by-side sort of way) wherever we lead. Financially, spiritually and especially sexually, because that speaks to our very core. We want a wife who is willing to be lead into sex, without fear, without shame, without any timidness. We’re all looking for Eve who was naked in the garden without shame.
How many men have heard, or women have said, when sex is initiated:
I haven’t had a shower in a couple of days. I’m fat/ugly and don’t want you to see me. I feel grungy/I look awful today.
Guess what, we don’t care. We love how you smell, how you feel, how you taste and how you look, no matter what. That’s why we like sex with the lights on, we’re very visual, we want you to show off for us, to be confident, to be comfortable in your own skin. That’s what we want, that’s what we crave. Not a wife who will take the lead, but a wife that will let us lead without dragging her feet behind her. When we feel that your not confident, part of us assumes there is something wrong with us. Either you don’t feel comfortable with us leading, or you don’t feel comfortable with where we chose to go. Either one is a blow to our ego.
Now, this goes back the other way too. We men have to step up and be confident about our leading. When your both lying in bed naked and she turns to you and says “so…what do you want to do” DO NOT ANSWER “I don’t know…what do YOU want to do?” She doesn’t want to lead, she wants you to. You should be the instigator. She wants to be swept off her feet, taken on an adventure. I had a wake-up call to this when, a couple of weeks ago, my wife said to me “If you want sex more, you need to be more aggressive.” Now, that is an instant minor wound to the ego, I’ll admit, but that passed quickly when I realized what an amazing wife I had. Not only does she know what she wants (me to call the shots), but she’s not afraid to tell me that I’m not meeting her needs. Thank God! She has changed so much in our marriage, and she’s becoming more and more confident, so now it’s my turn, I need to step up and match that confidence with leadership that allows her to explore how confident she is in me leading.
Men: Do you lead in the bedroom confidently? Do you need to be more aggressive?
Women: Do you let your husband lead? Or is he dragging you around (metaphorically) in the bedroom?