What’s actually off-limits in the marriage bed?

Most couples are asking the question backwards. This is the framework my wife and I actually use, in three questions.

If you grew up in church, you probably learned a long list of things that felt off-limits, and a quiet sense that sex itself was a little suspect. So when something new comes up in your marriage, the instinct is to start from “is this allowed?” and assume the answer is probably no.

That’s the wrong starting line. Sex is a God-created, God-called-good activity between a husband and wife. He designed it, He made it, and He said it was good. When we treat it as dirty by default, we’re saying our Creator made something bad. So the honest question isn’t “can I find a verse that permits this?” And it usually isn’t about the act at all.

It’s not the act that’s the question. It’s three: who it’s with, whether it lifts your spouse up, and whether it’s safe.

1. Does it involve both of you, and no one else?

God designed sex to be shared, connecting, between the two of you and no one else. It’s a bright line. It rules out the obvious (affairs, sex before marriage) but also anything that brings a third party in, real or on a screen, and anything solo. Sex by yourself is still sex without your spouse, which is the one place it was never meant to go.

2. Is it uplifting, not putting your spouse down?

Any act should lift your spouse up, not degrade them. That’s the line that rules out humiliation and shame dressed up as play. Sex is meant to build the two of you up, not to make one of you feel small. If it leaves your spouse diminished, it fails here no matter how “permitted” it looks.

3. Is it safe, and not harmful?

It has to be safe and cause no harm, physically or emotionally, to either of you. “Not forbidden” isn’t the same as “good for us.” If it hurts one of you, or one of you is only going along with it, that’s not freedom, it’s a conversation you haven’t finished having yet.

Three questions, not a rulebook

None of them are about the specific act. Sin is a heart issue, and relationships matter more than individual acts. So the test isn’t “is this act on an approved list,” it’s whether it’s shared with your spouse alone, whether it lifts them up, and whether it’s safe. Pass all three, and you have far more freedom than you were raised to believe. Fail one, and you’ve found the real reason, which usually isn’t the one you assumed.

“But we learned it from a bad place”

One more that trips couples up: what if you first saw it somewhere you’re not proud of, like porn you’re working to leave behind? Does that taint it?

No. The source doesn’t make the knowledge sinful to have or use. If you use a wrench as a hammer, the wrench isn’t ruined for being a wrench, you just used it wrong. Plenty of people carry skills they picked up in places they’ve since walked away from and put them to good use.

“And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God.” (Romans 8:28)

That doesn’t make the bad source good. It means you don’t have to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Want the rest of how I think about this?

I send one short email a week to Christian couples who want a marriage that works, in bed and out: the questions people actually ask, the conversations that are hard to start, and what our survey research says. This page is a fair sample.