Welcome to the Sex Within Marriage podcast. I'm JD from UncoveringIntimacy.com, and we help
couples build intimacy that strengthens their marriage.
In our last couple's night, I mentioned something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Actually,
I think I called it Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, because I tend to do that, even though that's
not the right name. But anyways, I mentioned it almost in passing. I didn't dwell on it,
but afterwards, one of the guys reached out that was on the call. He'd never heard the
term before, and it had struck a chord, because he recognized it in himself right away. He
sent me a message saying, I struggle with rejection, even when I haven't actually been
rejected. He said he could come up with all sorts of reasons and explanations for why
it might be, but at the end of the day, as he put it, it's just the way I'm woven. If
you've ever felt that, this is the post for you, because there's a name for what he was
describing and learning that name is the first real step towards it loosening its grip
on you. So let's get into it. First, what Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria actually is. The word dysphoria
comes from the Greek root, meaning hard to bear, and that's exactly the right description.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD for short, isn't ordinary disappointment when someone
turns you down. It's a wave of emotional pain. So intense, it feels almost physical.
It arrives in an instant, and it lands way out of proportion to whatever actually happened.
And this term was named and popularized by a psychiatrist named Dr. William Dodson, who
noticed that a huge number of his patients shared the same hidden experience. They could
handle a lot in life, but the moment that they sensed disapproval or rejection, something
in them collapsed or flared up, you know, fast and hard, no dimmer switch. And the strangest
part was the rejection didn't even have to be real. With RSD, the trigger doesn't have
to be an actual rejection. Your brain can react to rejection that was only perceived,
a curt text, or a certain look, or your spouse seemingly distracted at dinner, or you can
react to rejection that's merely anticipated, bracing for a no because you've even asked
the question. So you end up hurt, defensive, or withdrawn over something that in reality
never happened or hasn't happened yet. Your spouse is left baffled because from where
they're standing, they didn't do anything. This is most strongly tied to ADHD. And the
leading theory is that the ADHD brain regulates emotion differently. So feelings come in at full
volume. Add to that fact that many people with this wiring have spent years collecting kind of
your too much or you're not enough messages. And the nervous system tends to expect the next
blow and flinch before it comes. As well, people with ADHD tend to play a lot of what if games in
their heads, playing out scenario after scenario of what could potentially happen in any given
situation. And they tend to skew negatively in a lot of cases. And how it plays out in a marriage
is what's important for you and your spouse, because marriage is the most rejection loaded
relationship most of us will ever have. You staked everything on this person accepting you,
which means they have the most power to make you feel accepted. But they also have the most
power to make you feel rejected as well. That's the trade off. So this is how RSD can show up
between spouses. You know, a neutral comment like, did you move my keys can land as an accusation.
A delayed reply to a text can feel like cold withdrawal. A piece of feedback, however gentle
feels like you're a failure, or you're not enough, or here's another thing you've gotten wrong.
Not just here's one thing I'd like to fix. You replay a tiny moment for hours, certain your spouse
is pulling away. And then there's the bedroom where you see this do the most quiet damage.
When you reach for your spouse in here, not tonight, a healthy nervous system files that as bad timing,
an RSD nervous system feels that as I'm unwanted, I'm undesirable, I was a fool even to try.
That's not a small difference. Over time, the higher desire spouse with RSD often just stops
initiating altogether, because the pain of a possible no outweighs the hope of a yes. And the
marriage slowly goes quiet. And the low desire spouse usually has no idea why they never said no
to you. They just said no to one moment. This can happen on the lower desire spouse's side as well,
where even repeated initiation can feel like a rejection in a way, because they feel like you're
initiating again and again, because it's never enough. They're never good enough. They've never
satisfied you. You just want more and more because they aren't fulfilling your needs.
Or as the higher drive spouse wants to explore and try new things, the message they get is you're
not enough as you are. I need something else in order to want to be with you, instead of the reality
that they want to explore all these things together with you as an adventuring partner.
So is there a fix? There is no off switch for this, and I'd be lying if I told you there was.
But yes, there is real help and you've already taken the biggest step just by having a name for it.
Now, here's the things that can actually improve it. Number one, name it in the moment.
When the wave hits of rejection, train yourself to think this is RSD firing. This is not reality.
That simple label can kind of put a gap between the feeling, which is 100% real,
and the story it's telling you, which is often false. The feeling completely real and the
conclusion can still be wrong. Learn to build in a pause because RSD is fast. Almost all that
damage happens in the reaction in a fraction of a second. One deliberate breath before you respond,
especially with your spouse prevents most of the wreckage that occurs from this.
Another is a reality test the story. Ask yourself, what's the actual evidence I've
been rejected here? Most of the time, there isn't much. When you genuinely can't tell,
ask your spouse directly instead of assuming.
And number four is let your spouse in on it. This is a big one and it's the gift of being married.
When your husband or wife understands that a short answer or a tired not tonight
can land on you as full rejection, you stop being adversaries and become teammates spotting the
same pattern. Their reassurance starts to do the real work and you stop interpreting their humanity
as a verdict of your own worth. As well, they can call out RSD moments for you when they see
that you are spiraling. And lastly, medication is an option. Managing the ADHD often turns the
RSD volume way down. There are even a couple of medications used specifically for this.
That's a conversation for your doctor, but you can ask about alpha-2 agonists and monomine
oxidase inhibitors, as well as the usual ADHD medications, methylphenidate, and ampennamines,
which most people recognize as ritalin, concerta, aterol, bivans, etc.
Now, I should also note that RSD is often mistaken for depression or anxiety. So a lot of people
land on an SSRI, like Prozac, Zoloft, Lexopro, and all those. For RSD, those usually don't do much,
which is part of why people feel like nothing has worked. It's not that they don't do much for
depression and anxiety, but they tend to do nothing for RSD itself. So if you're struggling with RSD
and it's being mistaken for anxiety and depression, or if you have anxiety and depression and you're
being treated for it, but the RSD lingers, it doesn't mean the meds aren't working. It's because it's
a completely different symptom, and it often gets just kind of lumped in, but it doesn't tend to get
helped with SSRIs. So if you're trying these meds and it doesn't feel like it's working,
it may be that you're trying to tackle the wrong thing, or it got misdiagnosed, or you have both,
which is very common in people with ADHD. And lastly, I wanted to say you're not woven wrong.
In Psalm 139, David writes, for you formed my inward parts. You covered me in my mother's womb,
and will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that is Psalm 139 verse 13.
And people with ADHD and particularly RSD can often feel like they're broken, like they were made
wrong, and that can sometimes make them feel like God just didn't care that much about them,
or they wouldn't have been made this way, because that's the RSD talking. And the Bible tells us the
opposite story, that God made us the way that we are on purpose. Now that becomes a very complex
topic, trying to balance between God's sovereignty and a broken fallen world. And how do we balance
these things? How do we decide was this God's will or was God's will somehow circumvented by sin,
and that we are not what God wanted, instead just a distortion and mutation or something yet,
that he never wanted in the first place. Now, my personal belief is that this was all in God's
plan, that he knew the world would be broken. He set the plan of salvation in place before
sin ever entered the universe. You can check out Revelations 13, verse eight, second Timothy,
one verse nine, Ephesians one verse four, and Titus one verse two for that. If that's the case,
then God knew what was going to happen. He knew sin was going to corrupt the world, and he knew
that you were going to be born the way that you are, that you were going to be born with RSD,
that you were going to suffer and struggle with it for your whole life. And he still looked at
this and went, No, this is the way it needs to be. This is deliberately chosen for you to have the
life that you have. He thought that it was worthwhile to accomplish his end goal of being with you in
heaven. And so if this is what you have to go through in order to get there, then know that God
loves you and that he created you this way for a purpose. And his purpose is that he wants to be
with you forever. You can read John 14, verses two to three, verse Thessalonians four,
verse 17, Revelation 21, verse three for that. And all that you have to do is decide you want to be
with him. That's in Luke 23, verses 42 and 43, Romans 10, verse nine, Romans 10, verse 13, John
3 16, Revelation 320 and Revelation 22, 17. And I think that's the ultimate answer to RSD.
Now does that make it all go away? Absolutely not. Does it make it easier to live with?
Maybe a little bit. I don't know. You'll have to tell me. Please share in the comments below.
But I hope that brings someone some comfort. Now, if you or your spouse are struggling with ADHD,
if you're having trouble trying to figure out how to work with ADHD in your marriage,
and you want to talk with somebody, you can book a free discovery call and we can talk about it.
I have experience with this in my own marriage, as well as helping many others and theirs. In fact,
about half of my coaching clients are impacted by ADHD and their relationships. It's pretty common
struggle and you don't have to do it alone. And that's it for this episode. Check out the show notes
if you want to link to the blog post, which is basically just a transcript of this podcast episode,
as well as all the references. And make sure that you sign up for our newsletter if you want more
free resources in your inbox every week. Talk to you next time.