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Welcome to the Sex Within Marriage podcast. I'm JD from UncoveringIntimacy.com, and we help

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couples build intimacy that strengthens their marriage.

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In our last couple's night, I mentioned something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Actually,

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I think I called it Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, because I tend to do that, even though that's

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not the right name. But anyways, I mentioned it almost in passing. I didn't dwell on it,

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but afterwards, one of the guys reached out that was on the call. He'd never heard the

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term before, and it had struck a chord, because he recognized it in himself right away. He

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sent me a message saying, I struggle with rejection, even when I haven't actually been

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rejected. He said he could come up with all sorts of reasons and explanations for why

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it might be, but at the end of the day, as he put it, it's just the way I'm woven. If

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you've ever felt that, this is the post for you, because there's a name for what he was

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describing and learning that name is the first real step towards it loosening its grip

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on you. So let's get into it. First, what Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria actually is. The word dysphoria

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comes from the Greek root, meaning hard to bear, and that's exactly the right description.

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Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD for short, isn't ordinary disappointment when someone

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turns you down. It's a wave of emotional pain. So intense, it feels almost physical.

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It arrives in an instant, and it lands way out of proportion to whatever actually happened.

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And this term was named and popularized by a psychiatrist named Dr. William Dodson, who

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noticed that a huge number of his patients shared the same hidden experience. They could

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handle a lot in life, but the moment that they sensed disapproval or rejection, something

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in them collapsed or flared up, you know, fast and hard, no dimmer switch. And the strangest

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part was the rejection didn't even have to be real. With RSD, the trigger doesn't have

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to be an actual rejection. Your brain can react to rejection that was only perceived,

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a curt text, or a certain look, or your spouse seemingly distracted at dinner, or you can

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react to rejection that's merely anticipated, bracing for a no because you've even asked

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the question. So you end up hurt, defensive, or withdrawn over something that in reality

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never happened or hasn't happened yet. Your spouse is left baffled because from where

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they're standing, they didn't do anything. This is most strongly tied to ADHD. And the

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leading theory is that the ADHD brain regulates emotion differently. So feelings come in at full

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volume. Add to that fact that many people with this wiring have spent years collecting kind of

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your too much or you're not enough messages. And the nervous system tends to expect the next

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blow and flinch before it comes. As well, people with ADHD tend to play a lot of what if games in

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their heads, playing out scenario after scenario of what could potentially happen in any given

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situation. And they tend to skew negatively in a lot of cases. And how it plays out in a marriage

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is what's important for you and your spouse, because marriage is the most rejection loaded

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relationship most of us will ever have. You staked everything on this person accepting you,

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which means they have the most power to make you feel accepted. But they also have the most

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power to make you feel rejected as well. That's the trade off. So this is how RSD can show up

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between spouses. You know, a neutral comment like, did you move my keys can land as an accusation.

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A delayed reply to a text can feel like cold withdrawal. A piece of feedback, however gentle

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feels like you're a failure, or you're not enough, or here's another thing you've gotten wrong.

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Not just here's one thing I'd like to fix. You replay a tiny moment for hours, certain your spouse

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is pulling away. And then there's the bedroom where you see this do the most quiet damage.

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When you reach for your spouse in here, not tonight, a healthy nervous system files that as bad timing,

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an RSD nervous system feels that as I'm unwanted, I'm undesirable, I was a fool even to try.

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That's not a small difference. Over time, the higher desire spouse with RSD often just stops

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initiating altogether, because the pain of a possible no outweighs the hope of a yes. And the

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marriage slowly goes quiet. And the low desire spouse usually has no idea why they never said no

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to you. They just said no to one moment. This can happen on the lower desire spouse's side as well,

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where even repeated initiation can feel like a rejection in a way, because they feel like you're

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initiating again and again, because it's never enough. They're never good enough. They've never

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satisfied you. You just want more and more because they aren't fulfilling your needs.

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Or as the higher drive spouse wants to explore and try new things, the message they get is you're

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not enough as you are. I need something else in order to want to be with you, instead of the reality

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that they want to explore all these things together with you as an adventuring partner.

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So is there a fix? There is no off switch for this, and I'd be lying if I told you there was.

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But yes, there is real help and you've already taken the biggest step just by having a name for it.

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Now, here's the things that can actually improve it. Number one, name it in the moment.

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When the wave hits of rejection, train yourself to think this is RSD firing. This is not reality.

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That simple label can kind of put a gap between the feeling, which is 100% real,

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and the story it's telling you, which is often false. The feeling completely real and the

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conclusion can still be wrong. Learn to build in a pause because RSD is fast. Almost all that

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damage happens in the reaction in a fraction of a second. One deliberate breath before you respond,

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especially with your spouse prevents most of the wreckage that occurs from this.

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Another is a reality test the story. Ask yourself, what's the actual evidence I've

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been rejected here? Most of the time, there isn't much. When you genuinely can't tell,

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ask your spouse directly instead of assuming.

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And number four is let your spouse in on it. This is a big one and it's the gift of being married.

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When your husband or wife understands that a short answer or a tired not tonight

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can land on you as full rejection, you stop being adversaries and become teammates spotting the

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same pattern. Their reassurance starts to do the real work and you stop interpreting their humanity

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as a verdict of your own worth. As well, they can call out RSD moments for you when they see

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that you are spiraling. And lastly, medication is an option. Managing the ADHD often turns the

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RSD volume way down. There are even a couple of medications used specifically for this.

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That's a conversation for your doctor, but you can ask about alpha-2 agonists and monomine

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oxidase inhibitors, as well as the usual ADHD medications, methylphenidate, and ampennamines,

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which most people recognize as ritalin, concerta, aterol, bivans, etc.

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Now, I should also note that RSD is often mistaken for depression or anxiety. So a lot of people

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land on an SSRI, like Prozac, Zoloft, Lexopro, and all those. For RSD, those usually don't do much,

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which is part of why people feel like nothing has worked. It's not that they don't do much for

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depression and anxiety, but they tend to do nothing for RSD itself. So if you're struggling with RSD

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and it's being mistaken for anxiety and depression, or if you have anxiety and depression and you're

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being treated for it, but the RSD lingers, it doesn't mean the meds aren't working. It's because it's

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a completely different symptom, and it often gets just kind of lumped in, but it doesn't tend to get

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helped with SSRIs. So if you're trying these meds and it doesn't feel like it's working,

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it may be that you're trying to tackle the wrong thing, or it got misdiagnosed, or you have both,

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which is very common in people with ADHD. And lastly, I wanted to say you're not woven wrong.

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In Psalm 139, David writes, for you formed my inward parts. You covered me in my mother's womb,

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and will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that is Psalm 139 verse 13.

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And people with ADHD and particularly RSD can often feel like they're broken, like they were made

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wrong, and that can sometimes make them feel like God just didn't care that much about them,

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or they wouldn't have been made this way, because that's the RSD talking. And the Bible tells us the

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opposite story, that God made us the way that we are on purpose. Now that becomes a very complex

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topic, trying to balance between God's sovereignty and a broken fallen world. And how do we balance

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these things? How do we decide was this God's will or was God's will somehow circumvented by sin,

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and that we are not what God wanted, instead just a distortion and mutation or something yet,

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that he never wanted in the first place. Now, my personal belief is that this was all in God's

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plan, that he knew the world would be broken. He set the plan of salvation in place before

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sin ever entered the universe. You can check out Revelations 13, verse eight, second Timothy,

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one verse nine, Ephesians one verse four, and Titus one verse two for that. If that's the case,

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then God knew what was going to happen. He knew sin was going to corrupt the world, and he knew

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that you were going to be born the way that you are, that you were going to be born with RSD,

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that you were going to suffer and struggle with it for your whole life. And he still looked at

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this and went, No, this is the way it needs to be. This is deliberately chosen for you to have the

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life that you have. He thought that it was worthwhile to accomplish his end goal of being with you in

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heaven. And so if this is what you have to go through in order to get there, then know that God

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loves you and that he created you this way for a purpose. And his purpose is that he wants to be

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with you forever. You can read John 14, verses two to three, verse Thessalonians four,

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verse 17, Revelation 21, verse three for that. And all that you have to do is decide you want to be

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with him. That's in Luke 23, verses 42 and 43, Romans 10, verse nine, Romans 10, verse 13, John

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3 16, Revelation 320 and Revelation 22, 17. And I think that's the ultimate answer to RSD.

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Now does that make it all go away? Absolutely not. Does it make it easier to live with?

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Maybe a little bit. I don't know. You'll have to tell me. Please share in the comments below.

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But I hope that brings someone some comfort. Now, if you or your spouse are struggling with ADHD,

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if you're having trouble trying to figure out how to work with ADHD in your marriage,

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and you want to talk with somebody, you can book a free discovery call and we can talk about it.

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I have experience with this in my own marriage, as well as helping many others and theirs. In fact,

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about half of my coaching clients are impacted by ADHD and their relationships. It's pretty common

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struggle and you don't have to do it alone. And that's it for this episode. Check out the show notes

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if you want to link to the blog post, which is basically just a transcript of this podcast episode,

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as well as all the references. And make sure that you sign up for our newsletter if you want more

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free resources in your inbox every week. Talk to you next time.